


I Will Help You Love Yourself

by gaypanic



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Alternate Universe - College/University, Eating Disorders, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-20 00:53:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 85,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10651599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaypanic/pseuds/gaypanic
Summary: Swan Queen. A college AU that deals with mental health and eating disorders. Emma and Regina attend the same university but aren’t friends until Regina starts to volunteer at the animal shelter Emma works at. They become friends with a hint of that Something Else they are so frequently oblivious of, and slowly they (mostly Emma) allow their walls to come down. When Regina learns some hard truths about Emma, she gets worried, and is determined to teach Emma to love herself and her body in all the ways she knows how.my first sq fic :)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (this is an un-beta'd story so I apologize for any and all errors)
> 
> trigger warnings at the start of each chapter, as necessary.

Regina sighs into her hand as her professor drones on about “what credits all you pre-med students will be needing in the upcoming semester,” not the least bit excited about any of it. If it wasn’t for her incessant and berating mother, she wouldn’t even be here. Well, she would be here at this university, but not in this classroom. _Being a doctor is the only worthwhile profession, and the only career I expect you to consider_ , her mother said when Regina began applying for colleges. It wouldn’t have been a problem if that’s what Regina wanted, but it wasn’t, not even if she had her own choice in the matter.

If she had her own choice, and for the record, she does not as her mother is paying for all her school and she can’t afford it on her own, she would take a step back, stay in medicine but not the human kind. She would go pre-vet, all the way any day, and give her obnoxious mother a heart attack in the process. Her older sister Zelena is already in the field of medicine, right on track with what their mother would approve of: getting her PhD in Pharmacology. And as Regina struggles to stay awake in a pre-med advising seminar, Zelena is probably excitedly scribbling notes in an unbelievably boring lecture (to Regina anyway) or applying to prestigious internships that would make their mother shed an actual tear of joy.

She tunes back into Dr. Paulson’s, whatever this useless drabble is, just in time to hear him talk about general education courses and elective credits to make a well rounded degree, and instantly Regina is more interested, perking up while all the other pre-med students slouch, uninterested in taking anything else. He mentions art and literature and physics and physical education and zoology and Regina starts scribbling some of the course identifiers so she can look them up later when registration starts. Art seems fun, but then again, she thinks anything would be more fun than Pathenogenic Bacteriology and Immunology.

“Students, one more thing. The University has added a new component to the curriculum for every student, which is a volunteer requirement. There are dozens of options, but everyone must choose some way to gain their volunteer credit between the time one starts and the time one graduates. The minimum is one semester’s length, but any student is free to volunteer as much as they would like, for as many things as they would like. I’m passing out a list right now, so be sure to look it over. Don’t put it off _too_ long.” Dr. Paulson watches as his handouts move from one corner of the room around, ensuring everyone got one. At a glance, Regina’s eyes immediately lock onto “Snow Animal Shelter,” and she smiles to herself, knowing the first thing she’s going to do when she leaves.

As soon as Dr. Paulson dismisses them, Regina feels her cell phone vibrating in her pocket. She glances down at it as she walks out of the classroom and frowns when she reads the name, answering it and not even trying to hide the irritation in her voice. “Mother.”

“Regina! Darling, have you registered for classes yet?” The coincidence of her call sends Regina into a momentary panic as she glances around the hallway knowing that her mother couldn't possibly be spying but really wouldn’t put it past her.

“No, mother, I just got out of the advising seminar. Registration starts at 3:00.” She has two hours to get it together, and is determined for this phone call to take up less than half of that time. A bigger challenge than being pre-med. “I need to plan my schedule. I’m almost back to my dorm now so I really should be going.”

Her mother accepts her answer without argument, proof that she’s not stalking Regina as Regina is a fifteen minute walk from her dorm room and still in the lecture hall. “Fine. Call me as soon as you know what you’re signing up for. I want to approve of your schedule before you settle. Once you sign up for this semester, you’ll be finishing the first half of your pre-med degree and after that everything is set in stone, I can't have you screwing it up before it’s too late,” she says with her usual haughty tone.

Regina grits her teeth and suppresses the groan to end all groans, “Yes, mother. I’ll call you in about an hour and a half.” She waits for her mother to end the call -- no one hangs up on Cora Mills without facing a twenty minute follow up call filled with degradation and a lifelong grudge.

“I expect your call at 2:15, dear; don’t make me wait.” And with a click, that’s that, and Regina’s groan is unleashed.

* * *

 

Registration for next spring is in less than an hour, and all Emma Swan can do is splatter paint onto a canvas. Her adviser had briefly gone over what she should sign up for, and Emma had nodded and scribbled down some stuff she thought sounded fun, but she hadn’t prepared at all. She hadn’t looked up any class times, she hadn’t narrowed it down, she hadn’t looked into doing her volunteer work, she ignored the general education spiel knowing that she would just pick randomly in the last fifteen minutes before it all went down online.

With her art scholarship, she knows she should put a little more effort into the planning and the behind-the scenes of her degree, but she always ends up putting most to all of her effort into talent and practice and whatever empty canvas she has in front of her. That’s what got her here in the first place, and it sure as hell is what’s going to keep her there.

Her scholarship depends on her grades, which depend on her talent. Her degree depends on that scholarship, which she needs her talent to maintain. She _loves_ her job at Snow Animal Shelter, but she can’t live _and_ afford school with her paycheck. That paycheck is for basic needs and art supplies only. Her scholarship covers her tuition and her books and her on-campus housing. Not a day goes by that she regrets moving as far as she did to get where she is, to get where she’s going. No matter how unorganized she is for registration, she has a good feeling about what’s to come.

Neal, or Professor Cassidy, as the University thinks he should be called even though he wants his students to call him by his less formal name, walks into the room and spreads his arms out, “Emm-mmaaaa! Shouldn’t you be planning next semester’s schedule?” Emma shrugs. “You know that _should_ be a yes. You have early registration and you ought to take advantage of that.” He gestures to the computer sitting on the desk in the corner. “C’mon, let’s do this now. That masterpiece of yours seems more like a stress relief project anyway, am I right?”

He is. Emma has her moments where her art was just to distract herself or to blow of steam or to pass empty time, but she always wants others to believe it’s all for the talent, all for the scholarship. Neal is one of the few people who really caught on to her, and she wants to keep it that way. “Yeah, yeah, fine. Are you going to help me plan?”

“How else do you expect to get it together?”

“Touche.” Emma drags her feet to the computer and pulls a chair up next to Neal. Once she allows herself to sit down and relax, her stomach lets out a low growl and she hides a grimace behind her hair as she lets it fall into her face.

Neal chuckles unknowingly. “Let’s get this done so you can grab lunch before work. You go in at 3:00, right?”

Emma fake smiles, her lips turning up ever so slightly. “Yeah.”

“Okay then, let me see what you wrote down during our advising.” He takes the paper from her and they get to work.

* * *

 

Regina screams into her pillow, willing her tentative, unapproved-by-mother-but-likely-to-please-her, schedule to disappear and be replaced by something less depressing. When she looks up nothing has happened of course, and she sighs as she pulls her phone out. 2:14. Right on time. Her mother answers on the first ring. “Well? What have you come up with?”

“Human Physiology II, General Microbiology, Calculus, Biochemistry, British Literature, and the newly required volunteer credit,” Regina answers promptly.

Her schedule receives a satisfied hum from Cora. “Yes, I suppose that will do. I called Dr. Whats-His-Name after we talked earlier --”

“Dr. Paulson?”

“Yes, Dr. Paulson, now don’t interrupt me again. He told me what he recommended to you take to stay on track, and I think that you made correct decisions.” Regina breathes a sigh of relief. “I hope you consider this volunteer credit wisely. There are hospitals on that list you know, so I do hope you choose something remotely medical.”

 _Remotely medical_. Regina smiles to herself. Maybe volunteering at the animal shelter isn’t be the most medical option, but it certainly isn’t the least. “Don’t worry, Mother. You know I’ll keep that in mind.”

“That’s my girl. Now go register for those classes. We need to get those books ordered as soon as possible. If anything goes wrong let me know so I can call the registration office and have someone kicked out so you can be in all the spots you need. We can’t have any other students getting in our way.”

“Don’t worry, Mother, I’m sure everything will be fine.”

Her mother tutts, “Optimism never looked good on you dear. Send me a text when everything is sorted so I’m not kept up all night worrying about you having to live out of a dumpster.”

Regina rolls her eyes, _how ridiculous!_ “Yes, Mother.” As soon as the call ends, she drops to the bed where she will remain until registration begins. Once that’s out of the way, her day is finally going to take a turn for the better.

* * *

 

Emma gets to the animal shelter at 2:30, way early as usual. She ends up signing up for Art History II, Jewelry and Metals, Figure Drawing, Computer Science 101, and British Literature. Neal thinks it’s good, it’s enough credits to keep her scholarship, it’s a great balance of studio classes and lecture classes, and it involves Emma having to try some new things (metal as a medium) and work on some skills she’s iffy about (art involving the human body). She doesn’t even bother trying to choose a volunteer program of the list. When Neal tells her that her job doesn’t count, she shrugs and says “maybe I’ll figure something out in the summer,” which is not only the best plan as far as scholarly time management goes, it also gives her a few months to actually look through that list.

She lets herself in through the back door of the shelter and is immediately greeted by the sound of her favorite furry friends. She always makes time for them first, prepared with treats for them all, cats, dogs, birds, and bunnies. She loves her job so much she would do it all as volunteer forever, but Mary Margaret was happy to add her to the staff only weeks after her volunteering day-to-day.

_The day she moved to the city, first day of college orientation, she made sure to get there early. She dumped the few bags she had into her dorm room and drove straight to Snow Animal Shelter, which she had looked up online the day she got her acceptance letter. She was there well before open, sitting outside the door at 8:30 in the morning when the door opened and a young woman with a pixie cut opened the door and looked down at Emma with a big smile, “I’m not open yet, but if you’re here this early it must be important.” She let Emma in, introduced herself as Mary Margaret Blanchard, and they shared some coffee while Emma excitedly rambled about how much she wanted to volunteer there._

_“I love the idea of helping these animals find homes, or taking care of them here and making this place feel as much like home as I can for them.” Mary Margaret’s smile grew as Emma talked. Her passion was obvious. “I grew up in the foster system, so I guess you can say I have a soft spot for stuff like this. I just had to get here before orientation and ask if there’s any way I could volunteer.”_

_Mary Margaret beamed at her. “Absolutely. Right now it’s just me and Ruby, so we would be more than happy to have your help.”_

_First thing after Emma registered for her first semester of classes, she went back and worked out a volunteer schedule with Mary Margaret and Ruby. Mary Margaret was in charge of paperwork and all the behind the scenes stuff, while Ruby handled the animals, and the rest they juggled together. Emma’s first tasks were cleaning, answering phone calls, and helping Ruby with feedings, baths, and playtime. She loved every minute of it._

_Barely a month into school, Emma was struggling. She had her scholarship, but needed to find a source of income or else she couldn’t afford any more supplies, and she_ needed _more supplies. Her heart nearly broke when she had to tell Mary Margaret she would need to lose some volunteer hours so she could pick up a job._

_Mary Margaret had gaped at her, “Emma, don’t be ridiculous! You have a job here.” And before Emma could awkwardly explain the financial problem and how she meant a job-job, not a volunteer-job, she continued, “Starting tomorrow, you’re getting paid. We aren’t letting you go anywhere.” Emma was relieved. She wasn’t too thrilled at the prospect of retail or food service, not to mention Mary Margaret and Ruby, though being ten plus years older than her, were her only real friends. She didn’t like the idea of being forced out of what little human companionship she’d managed to have, as well as all the animals she loved as her own._

She’s only been there for four months, but it feels like much longer. She loves her classes and her professors and her projects, but coming to work is always the highlight of her day. As she makes her way down the row of excited puppies (all dogs are puppies to Emma), she feels better about the day. Not that it’s bad, but she keeps catching herself thinking too much. Being here and looking at the innocent smiles on all these puppies’ faces, she’s finally able to feel distracted.

She gets to the office where Mary Margaret beamed up at her, “Hey, Emma! Early again?”

Emma slouches into one of the chairs facing Mary Margaret’s desk. “You know me. Is Ruby here?”

“No, she left about a half hour ago. I think she has a date tonight.” Mary Margaret grins and wiggles her eyebrows before bursting into a fit of giggles. “We’ll hear more about that tomorrow, no doubt.”

Emma chuckles, “One of us needs some good luck in the dating game for once. Have you talked to that guy again? The doctor. What was his name… Frank?”

Mary Margaret cringes, both at Emma’s bad memory and the memory of her most recent date. “Victor.”

“Wow, not much better than ‘Frank.’” Emma cringes too. “So I’m guessing you haven’t talked to him?”

“That would be a hard no. I know he’s a doctor and that should be desirable, but something about him is just… kind of icky. I can’t put my finger on it. He just isn’t my type I guess.” She looks thoughtfully for a moment before asking Emma, “What about you? Found anyone cute yet? It is your first year of college, this is kind of your dating prime time.” She wiggles her eyebrows again, clearly amused with herself.

Emma stands up before answering, “No way, Mary Margaret. I’m way too picky for that.”

Mary Margaret smiles softly at her. “Who knows, Emma, maybe you’ll get lucky,” she says before Emma turns to walk out, feeling doubtful but nonetheless hopeful.

As soon as Emma steps out of the office and into the lobby, the bell on the entrance to Snow’s jingles, and Emma peers over her glasses and is met with a vision of the most beautiful young woman she’s probably ever seen. Her stomach flip flops at the oblivious smile on the brunette’s lips as she takes in the scene around her, an uncommon expression carried by guests upon entering the lobby. It’s a wonderful place, clean, friendly, but nothing can really erase the lingering smell of animal waste and bleach, and the echo of twenty plus dogs barking all at once left much to be desired. This girl doesn’t seem to care about the smell or the noise as her smile only grows the further in she walks.

Suddenly nervous, Emma darts into the office. “Mary Margaret. There’s a guest.”

Mary Margaret looks up, taking in Emma’s flustered state and let out a solitary laugh, “Emma, you’re more than capable of handling it yourself.”

Emma forces out an awkward smile before looking at the floor, kicking herself at her random and unnecessary embarrassment. She looks back up and shrugs it off, trying to get her cool back. “Uh, yeah, you know, I thought I would let you get this one.” She watches Mary Margaret’s eyebrows knit together briefly.

“Okaayy. Sure, why not?” Mary Margaret walks out of the office and Emma listens at the greeting muffled faintly by the walls. She creeps closer to hear better, debating on going out there, but ultimately stays put and low key hopes that it’s about volunteering. Since she started, there had been none, but she knew Snow’s is on the volunteer list, as obscure as it is, and even though Emma doesn’t want to admit it, a cute girl volunteer wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

* * *

The minute Regina is finished registering, she makes her way to Snow Animal Shelter.

The minute Regina sets foot in that building, she feels like it’s meant to be.

The chaotic sound of excited dogs all talking at once, the underlying poop smell, all of it. She’s too busy looking around and getting a feel for the atmosphere to notice anyone in the room, and by the time she realizes someone’s there, the blonde in question is already disappearing into a door behind the counter. “Hello?” She isn’t sure how to approach the situation so she stays frozen in place, picking up on voices coming from the other room over the barking dogs. Best to wait patiently.

Moments later, a woman who looks about thirty comes out of the room. Regina notes two things. One, this woman looks so friendly that she’s probably the polar opposite of her mother, and two, this is not the same person who ran off when Regina first walked in. She may not have seen the other one but for a second, but she definitely knew the first woman had long blonde hair, and this woman has dark short hair. “Hey! My name is Mary Margaret,” she introduces with a smile, “How can I help you?”

Smiling back at the woman, Regina says, “Yes, my name is Regina Mills; I’m a student at Stone University, and your place was listed as a volunteer option. I just signed up for classes, one of them being the volunteer credit, so I came by to see if you needed anyone.”

Mary Margaret’s smile grows. “Of course! It’s just me and my co-owner, Ruby, and Emma right now, so we’d love to have a volunteer. Actually, Emma just started at Stone! She’s studying art. What about you?”

 _Emma. Art._ Regina considers that for a moment, taking note before snapping herself out of it and preparing to answer the woman’s question. Regina grimaces before she finds herself smiling and saying, “I’m a sophomore, I’m hoping to be a veterinarian someday.” She’s not sure what makes her say it, but none of it is technically a lie so she just lets it be.

“This is the perfect fit for you then!” Mary Margaret nods at her, grinning like someone had just told her the greatest news of all time before turning to the door behind her. “Emma! Get out here, you have to meet our new volunteer!”

Regina’s eyes are locked on the doorway, looking for the blonde head that disappeared earlier who she could only assume was Emma. It takes a minute, but finally she sees her peer around the corner curiously and hesitantly before suddenly walking into the room like she hadn’t run out of it to begin with. Upon meeting her gaze, Regina is pretty sure she stops breathing for a second, but she doesn’t know why nor does she stop to question it. “Emma, this is Regina. Regina, this is Emma.” Mary Margaret says simply, clapping her hands together.

Emma grins crookedly at her, pulling one of her hands out of her back pockets to wave. “Hey.” Her hair is long, curly, blonde, and quite frankly, beautiful. She has thick rimmed glasses that make her look smart, confident eyes behind them that back that up, but her expression and the way she holds her small frame made Regina want to pull her in for a comforting hug. Regina’s expression must have given something away because Emma’s posture quickly changes as she walks around the counter to Regina and dauntlessly holds out her hand, which Regina takes and gave a firm shake to. “I’m Emma. Emma Swan.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Miss Swan.”

Their hands linger together for an awkward moment of silence before Emma suddenly takes a deep breath in and smiles, her eyes locked onto Regina’s. “I can’t wait to work with you.” And as briskly as she had approached Regina, she just as briskly walks away, leaving Regina speechless. And for the second time that day, Regina watches her disappear into the room behind the counter.

“She’s an odd one.” Mary Margaret’s voice brings Regina back. “But we love her.”

Regina nods slowly, eyes still at the place where the blonde disappeared, unsure of what to say. Though she doesn’t know her, Emma intrigues her, but everything she’s thinking about her feels out of place to comment on. Eventually she smiles wide and asks, “When can I start?”


	2. Chapter 2

It’s been a whole week, full of stress and exams, and already Regina can’t wait to start volunteering at Snow Animal Shelter. She’d made it through all of her exams, the last one ended about an hour ago, and she’s been staring into her closet since then.

 _What does one wear to work in an animal shelter?_ She already knows the answer, but she can’t help but second guess herself. She wants to look _nice_ . Not like “first day on the job” nice, but _nice_. The kind of nice that would make someone stare, maybe even gape. But she doesn’t want to look like any effort was put into this outfit. For all she knows, it would be her job to pick up dog shit and nothing else. Plus, it was all really odd.

Odd that she wants to look _nice_ at her volunteer job at an animal shelter where most of the living bodies around her will be dogs and cats and the like.

Odd because she’s basing her appearance on the opinions of another, which is not a Regina thing to do.

Odd because instead of watching a certain blonde head walking out of the room, she wants to be the one walking, and Emma to be the one noticing.

Odd because she doesn’t like this Swan girl. Not like that. I mean, she barely knows her. So what is really odd is that she’s given far too much thought to this girl, who’s practically a stranger, over the course of the week, and to be honest, she isn’t sure if she’s more excited about working with animals or Emma Swan.

Regina sighs and hopelessly saunters over to the bed. This is a struggle for future Regina.

As if the Universe is trying to set her up for a struggle no matter what, her phone rings next to her, with her least favorite word sprawled across the screen. She groans before picking it up. “Mother.”

“Regina! Thank, god, I was hoping you’d be up at this ungodly hour.”

“Mother, it’s only 9:30.”

Cora makes a noise of straight up disgust. “Look what college has done to you. Thinking 9:30 is early.” Regina rolls her eyes. _Zelena’s_ internship probably goes way late into the early hours of the morning. Besides, if she’s to become a doctor, who knows how her hours will be? But she doesn’t dare mention either of those things. “Anyway, dear, I’m calling to talk to you about plans.”

“Plans?” Regina moves to her desk, hoping that this isn’t going to go in some unexpected and wayward direction.

“Yes, your plans for Christmas break. You know we’ve talked briefly about it, but I require more detail.”

Regina hesitates. The plan for her mother would _sound_ simple. The actual plan _should be_ simple. But, it’s complicated.

Cora is travelling out of the country - to England - for the entirety of Christmas break. Initially, Regina was going to go with her, but when Regina found out that Zelena couldn’t go because of her internship, Regina told her mother she might not be able to go because she was looking into volunteering at a nearby hospital for her resume. Her mother was ecstatic. _By all means! If you are unable to spend the holidays with me because you’re following_ my _dream for you, you are more than excused from vacation with me_. And Regina had followed up three days later with an announcement that she was indeed volunteering at a hospital, but details would come later. And it’s about that time.

Regina fakes a smile, because her mother can hear a smile over the phone, “I start volunteering tomorrow. At St. Ruth’s hospital.” Regina prides herself on this part. St. Ruth’s is an actual hospital right down the road from her University. One of her pre-med friends, Mal, is actually volunteering there which means that if Regina needs photo evidence for her mother, or someone there to vouch for her, Regina has it covered. Meanwhile, Regina will actually be volunteering at the animal shelter, and her mother will have no idea.

Mary Margaret had been thrilled to discover that Regina was going to be staying on campus for the holidays, and they had agreed that Regina should start after her exams were over. _Emma will be here too!_ , Mary Margaret had exclaimed, grinning as wide as ever. Regina had felt that thrill in her chest but managed to prevent her excitement at seeing the blonde from interrupting her just-enthused-enough face. After all, her excitement is _only_ about the volunteering. Of course.

Her mother sighs an impassive sounding breath. “Thank god for that. I was worried you would end up stuck in some mangy animal shelter or wouldn’t be doing anything at all. I’m glad everything worked out the way you said it would. For a moment I thought you just wanted to get out of going to England for the family holiday.”

Regina cringes, but composes herself before replying. “You know that’s not true, Mother. I love visiting family, but I really want to build my resume.” She silently congratulates herself on making such a sincere half truth so vaguely, something she feels she’s improving at. What with this volunteering situation, and the unexpected effects that certain people… women… well, one woman stirred up in her, she has all kinds of opportunities to skirt around the truth and practice self-denial. What could go wrong? She dares not ask.

“So, now that we have that all worked out, I’m going to bid you farewell. My flight leaves early tomorrow morning. I expect to hear about the first day of your internship soon.”

“Goodnight, Mother.” The call disconnects without so much as a goodbye. Regina throws herself into her pillows and groaned. Why can’t she just have a normal mother who wants her to follow her dreams?

The next morning Regina wakes up at 7:00 on the dot. She prides herself on a strict sleeping routine, but she doesn’t always enjoy mornings and admittedly would lie there for thirty or so minutes scrolling through her phone before actually getting out of bed. But today is different.

As soon as she registers that her eyes are open and she’s conscious enough to stand up, she is. She groans at her closet before grabbing her toothbrush, shower caddy, and bathrobe, and trudging down the hall to the bathroom. What the hell is she going to wear? It was supposed to be a Future Regina problem, but now that it is, all she wishes was that Past Regina had just sucked it up and done the job for her. She scowls at herself in the mirror. Why is it so important to her?

When she returns, she just follows her instinct and settles on her most casual pair of jeans (out of the two she owns) and a dressy-but-not-too-dressy black tank top covered by a casual-but-still-really-nice burgundy cardigan. Black peacoat and scarf. She decides to wear makeup. Faux-natural beauty because she doesn’t want it to look like she tried to hard. You know, because she _didn’t_. That would be silly.

She’s ready by 8:00, at her favorite coffee shop enjoying her black coffee and blueberry bagel by 8:30, and heading to the shelter set to be there ten minutes early. Hopefully the rest of the day will go just as smoothly.

Mary Margaret and Regina had settled on 9:00, an hour before they open. Just enough time to show her around and get her acquainted before anything happens, even though Mary Margaret said it was unlikely that anything would occur as Monday is one of their slow days.

As she approaches the front door, despite being ten minutes early, Ruby is there waiting for her just like Mary Margaret said she would be. She opens the door to let Regina in and locks it back behind her. Holding out an eager hand, she introduces herself. “You must be Regina! I’m Ruby.” The tall woman in front of her looks to be in her late 20’s, maybe 28, and has a genuine smile on her face. She’s less smiley than Mary Margaret, which gives Regina the idea that Ruby would be easier to read. She shakes her hand.

“It’s great to meet you. I’m really excited about volunteering here.”

“I bet so! Mary Margaret said you were studying to be a vet?” Regina tries to stop her eye from twitching at the development of her non-lie from last week, and from Ruby’s unchanged expression, she figures it was a success.

“Being a vet is my dream.” Regina beams. Another non-lie just to play it safe. She isn’t exactly doing anything wrong, but she’s worried her mother’s strict plans for her would mess up her chances or the credibility of her passion. Somehow she knows none of her new co-workers will judge her or reject her for the situation, but she can’t bring herself to mention it.

Ruby chuckles, looking down at her feet. “I know the feeling. That’s my dream too.” She shrugs around her. “Hasn’t exactly panned out yet, but I can’t complain too much. I love it here. Any job that involves dogs, especially loving and saving them, is a good one.”

Regina isn’t sure what to say to that, feeling guilty that she had every logical and financial opportunity to follow her dream and make it happen, but her mother is simultaneously _the_ way and _in_ the way. The way Ruby looks at her like she’s the luckiest girl alive makes her feel even worse about her non-lies. She stares down blankly letting the awkward silence pass.

“Anyway,” Ruby continues, “Mary Margaret is off for the day, which means I’m defaulted to paperwork and all that boring stuff she loves. The plan is for me to do all that, and Emma is going to be showing you the ropes for what we do here and introducing you to the animals we’re caring for. You know, the fun stuff.” At the mention of Emma’s name, Regina’s eyes quickly shift up as if to look for her, but she quickly catches herself. She doesn’t want Ruby thinking she’s some obsessive lesbian. Not that lesbians are obsessive. Not that being a lesbian is bad. Not that - Regina gives up, settling to look at Ruby’s hands as she gestures randomly while she speaks. “As a volunteer, you won’t have to worry too much about paperwork and the technical stuff.”

“I don’t mind the technical stuff.” Ruby makes eye contact with her, pleasantly surprised. “I mean, anything you all need me to do, I’m willing to do any of it. I think,” she adds hesitantly.

“That is _so_ awesome. I’ll definitely let Mary Margaret know. We rarely get volunteers, but it’s even rarer that we get anyone so interested or anyone that actually lasts. Emma’s pretty much the only one.” As if on cue, there’s the sound of a key turning in the door, and both women looked up to see Emma walking in shivering, and it’s no wonder, what with her skimpy little leather jacket and what looks like jeggings. The only thing that looks like it would bring her any warmth besides her boots is her wool beanie. “Sorry I’m late Ruby. I was up all night finishing my project that was due this morning. Just turned it in.” She turns and stops short when she sees Regina, both of them looking away as soon as they made eye contact.

Emma looks around the room awkwardly, but Regina looks back at Emma, continuing to take in her appearance. Maybe she’s small and vibrating from the cold, but she looks damn good doing it. Regina can’t take her eyes off her nose, cute and pink, until Emma tentatively glances back at her and her gaze goes back to Ruby who’s watching the young women curiously before settling on Emma and sighing, “Emma, how many times do I need to tell you to dress warmer? You’re super tiny, and I don’t want you to freeze to death.”

Emma just shrugs. “I’m not that cold. Besides I like my outfit. It looks cool.” Her voice goes into a mumble towards the end, and Regina swears she was looking at her as she says it. But she dismisses the idea that Emma wants Regina to like her outfit.

Ruby scoffs. “Emma, you look cool no matter what. Or is this because it’s Regina’s first day?” Ruby jokes like it was no big deal, and Regina manages to let out a validating chuckle, but Emma’s face remains pink. _Is she blushing or is it just because of the cold?_ Regina can’t help but wonder. Emma looks down and lets her hair fall over her face before looking back up at Ruby and rolling her eyes, making her way towards the office and away from Regina. Ruby continues. “C’mon kid, you know I’m just messing with you.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Emma turns back to face them although she’s behind the counter and looking down fidgeting with something in front of her nonchalantly. Regina acknowledges for a moment that she likes that Emma isn’t currently fond of looking up because it means she can look at her without being noticed. _God that sounds creepy_ . But she wishes that Emma would look up. In all of the two or whatever times the pair of them had made eye contact, Regina noticed that Emma had such beautiful eyes. Plus the thought of Emma noticing her like Regina was noticing Emma makes Regina’s heart pound. _Jesus, what is your problem?_ Regina silently berates herself for thinking such weird things and is fortunate when Ruby speaks again, distracting Regina from her thoughts.

“You guys met last week right?” When they both nod at her, she looks relieved. “Thank god. I didn’t want to make anything awkward.” Emma snorts, finally looking up at Regina with a smirk, which Regina gladly returns, feeling warm at their bonding. “So, Emma if you want to go ahead and start showing Regina around, I’ve got a pile of paperwork to get started on.” And with that she claps her hands together, walks around the counter to the office and closes the door behind her, leaving Emma and Regina alone for the first time.“

So,” Emma shifts awkwardly, still fiddling with something behind the counter. Regina’s worried it’s going to be this awkward all day, wondering if Emma really is this shy all the time, when Emma suddenly perks up, looking at Regina with a wide grin. “Are you ready for your first day?”

She watches as Emma, still grinning happily, bites her bottom lip between her teeth and leans forward over the counter. Regina’s eyes are stuck on Emma’s mouth for longer than she intends but she brushes it off by grinning back at her with a casual “absolutely.”

Emma motions towards her while turning and walking off, “C’mon, I’ll give you the tour.” Regina steps around the counter to follow her, and she definitely _does not_ stare at Emma’s ass the whole time.

When Emma suddenly spins around, Regina’s eyes shoot right up to the ceiling before meeting her gaze. Emma raises an eyebrow and smirks, but it’s gone in an instant. “So, I was thinking we could start in the back. Show you where we keep and do stuff first. Then meet the animals. Then come back up here for customer stuff. Does that seem cool?”

Regina nods, “Sounds great.” She follows Emma through a doorway out of the lobby area, looking at the walls around her and awkwardly moving her hands around, suddenly unsure of what she usually does with them when she walks.

“So, you go to Stone too?” Emma turns to ask Regina, still walking backwards.

Regina stuffs her hands into her pockets. “Yeah, Mary Margaret mentioned you just started there?”

“Yeah, first year. What about you? You look older than me.” The grin disappears from Emma’s face so fast Regina nearly pulls a double-take. “I mean, not that you look _old_ or anything. You just seem more mature. I wasn’t trying to insult you.” Emma pauses, looking at Regina cautiously.

Regina sends her a soft smile to comfort her nerves, and immediately she can see Emma relax as a smile starts creeping back onto her face. “I get what you mean, and I suppose you’re not wrong. I’m a sophomore.”

“Ah, not too much older, but probably more mature.” Regina shrugs. Emma lets out a sharp laugh. “I’m sure you’ll see.”

“Will I?”

“Of course.” Emma smirks at her. “My favorite food is grilled cheese if that tells you anything.” Regina chuckles softly. “So, I’m studying art. What about you? You want to be a vet?” Emma asks hesitantly.

This was it. Moment of truth. “I do want to be a vet, but…” Regina wavers. She wished it didn’t have to be like this. That she could be studying what she wanted and talking about it as freely as she was sure Emma talked about art.

“But…?” The expectant look in Emma’s eyes makes Regina want to cut out all the non-lies.

“But… it’s complicated.” Emma nods, accepting her answer like it was anything but, moving on to the storage room.

* * *

 

“Now that all that boring crap is out of the way, do you have any questions before we meet some of the animals?”

Regina rolls her eyes. “It wasn’t _that_ bad.”

Half serious, half amused, Emma gapes at her. “Not that bad? Not That Bad? C’mon you gotta admit that was boring. ‘Here’s where the trash bags are. Here’s where extra dog bowls are. This is where we keep the shit bags.’” Emma mocks her own voice, making herself sound like some kind of robotic, deep-voiced monkey. Regina can’t help but laugh.

“You don’t sound like that you know.”

“No?” Emma chuckles.

“You need to drop your voice down another octave.” Regina can’t help but joke, trying to keep a straight face.

Emma’s mouth drops as she lets out a throaty guffaw, slapping Regina lightly on the arm. “Shut up!” The two laugh together. Regina’s heart swells at their natural and quick developing friendship. They smile at eachother for a brief moment before Emma asks her, “So, you wanna be a vet… I’m guessing that means you love animals. Are you a cat person or a dog person?”

Regina chuckles. “It’s hard to say. I really do love animals.” She thinks for a minute, looking down at her feet. “I think… maybe I'm a dog person,” she decides, glancing up to meet the eyes of a pleasantly surprised blonde. “What?”

A soft, almost inaudible giggle escapes Emma’s lips. She shrugs, “I thought you were going to say cat.” She stops, but Regina’s raised eyebrow prompts her to continue. “It's just, you're so… refined?” She stops as if considering her word choice, making sure that was the one she wanted. “Yeah. Refined. Elegant? Poised? Idk, you seem like you would like cats,” she finishes, shrugging dismissively.

“Idk?”

“Yeah sorry, I abbreviate when I get nervous.” Regina’s grin spreads, watching the girl in front of her, shuffling her feet and avoiding her gaze.

 _You're nervous?_ Regina wants to ask her, but she thinks better of it, instead settling on something else. As adorable as this shy Emma is, she wanted the comfortable, spunky Emma to return. “What about you? Cats or dogs?”

Immediately, Emma looks up, beaming. “Guess,” she challenges.

Regina purses her lips together in thought. “I really want to guess dogs, but _my_ answer surprised _you_ , and I wonder if _yours_ would surprise _me_ , so maybe I should guess cats. I'm going to say cats? I'm overthinking this.” She looks down, suddenly nervous as well.

“Well you got one thing right. You're overthinking things.” Emma’s catching laugh made Regina smile and she felt her nerves unknotting. “Dogs. But I really love cats too. Dogs are so playful, which is why they're my favorite, but the way cats are so poised and elegant make me smile. It's what makes them so cute.” Regina watches a blush creep across her face, maybe because she had just described _her_ with those same adjectives.. She wonders if there was an implication that Emma finds Regina cute too, but she dismisses the idea. “So anyway, do you want to meet our animals?”

* * *

 

Eight cats and twenty-three dogs later, Regina’s day is made, and seemingly, the dogs’ are too. It’s group playtime, which means that they all get to run around, chase balls, play fight, etc in a gym-like room. For the next few hours, Regina and Emma are on playtime duty.

Picking up a tennis ball for an overly enthusiastic cocker spaniel, (Rigby, if she remembers correctly) Regina turned to Emma. “Do you have a favorite?”

Emma hesitates, moving to jump up and sit on the counter behind her. Regina tosses Rigby the ball before turning to follow Emma. She looks conflicted for a moment before sighing. “I love them all the same. I know that sounds fake or doesn’t seem legit, but it’s true. Every single animal I’ve ever taken care of here is my favorite,” she answers seriously before shrugging almost dismissively. “It probably has to do a lot with how I was raised, but I love them all like my own.”

Sensing she doesn’t feel like getting into it, Regina just nods. Before she can think of something to say to change the subject, Rigby’s cold nose is nudging Regina’s hand. “Hey boy! You want me to throw it again?” As if he understands her, he barks, wags his tail, and chases the ball the second it leaves Regina’s hand. She turns, grinning at Emma, only to catch her grinning absentmindedly back.

Emma snaps herself out of it as soon as she notices Regina watching her. “What about you? Did you have any pets growing up?” Regina blinks, completely aware that that’s not exactly what they were talking about, but answers nonetheless.

“Sadly, no. My mother doesn’t much care for animals. The closest I ever got to having a pet was taking private horseback riding lessons. I was always with the same horse.”

Emma looks at her, impressed, “You know how to ride horses?”

Regina smiles, blushing ever so slightly. “Yes, I was taking lessons for years. Starting when I was six.”

“Wooow.” Emma gazes at her. “It would be so cool to learn, but I’m way too clumsy. No doubt I would hurt myself.”

“Maybe I could teach you sometime. If- if you wanted, that is,” Regina stammers, suddenly worried that offering was a stupid idea.

Emma’s voice comes out in a squeak. “Are you for real? That would be so cool! I would totally love that. I don’t think I’ve ever even pet a horse.”

“We’ll have to change that, won’t we?” Regina says with a chuckle. She can already imagine how much fun it will be to go riding with Emma. Showing her how to care for a horse, letting her give him snacks, letting her watch while she rides gracefully around, letting Emma sit in front of her while they ride around together, wrapping her hands around her waist, nuzzling into her hair…

Regina snaps out of it when she hears the clearing of a throat. Emma is looking at her, clearly amused. “You okay? Whatchya thinking about?” Her eyes look so playful it’s like she can read Regina’s mind.

The brunette’s face is definitely red. “Nothing,” she mutters unconvincingly, distracting herself with the playful dogs around her. She hears Emma giggle behind her. Yeah, she’s screwed.

* * *

Playtime is successful and the most fun Regina has had probably since starting at Stone, if she is being totally honest with herself. She and Emma had run around with the dogs, played catch, turned out the lights for a thirty minute group nap (where Emma and Regina sat on opposite ends of the couch with five dogs smushed between and on top of them, and they had whispered back and forth the best names for different kinds of animals they could think of), and then did it all again for the last half of playtime. Even mopping up all the dog pee and scooping poop into the infamous “shit bags” (as Emma had so cleanly put it) was fun.

The way Emma smiles in the company of the dogs is nothing short of precious, and when she looks from the dogs to Regina, her smile remaining unchanged and unfaltering, Regina’s breath hitches, and she smiles back, probably looking too dopey, and has to distract herself with the dogs again. When Emma chases the dogs around, or in some cases gets chased, Regina watches her. She can tell that this was Emma’s happy place and she wonders what she looks like when she makes art, something else she finds joy in.

After they put the dogs back into their respective areas, they make their way back up to the front. Emma has pulled her hair back into a perfect ponytail at the back of her head for playtime, and Regina watches it swing as she walks, never knowing a simple ponytail could look so beautiful.

When they reach the front, Emma points out some key areas to Regina. “Over there on the other side of the lobby is where we have supplies for purchase. There’s some benches for any guests who need to sit. Those are the only places guests have free roam of. We have cameras in the lobby and in the animals’ areas just in case. Then of course we can go that way to show guests the animals if they’re looking to adopt. Then there’s the office.”

With that, Regina follows Emma into the office where Ruby is groaning, head in her hands. “This. Paperwork. Suuuucks.” She looks seriously at the two young girls. “Y’all are lucky you don’t have to deal with this. But your time will come, no doubt.” She looks pointedly at Emma who just shrugs. “Okay, so Emma I’m guessing you’ve already shown her everything?”

Emma nods. “Yup!”

Ruby quirks an eyebrow. “You’re sure?”

Another nod. “Yup!”

“Supply closet?”

“Obviously.”

“Special health rooms?”

“Yes, _and_ I told her all about the animal clinic that helps us out with all the medical stuff.”

“And you guys did playtime? And lunch? For the dogs _and_ the cats?”

“No, Ruby, we decided to just dump treats on the floor and let them go at it,” Emma quips sarcastically. “Of course! I explained everything, didn’t I Regina?”

“She was very thorough,” Regina states matter-of-factly.

Ruby sighs. “Alright, I trust you. Anyway, it seems that not much else is happening today. Emma, you’re supposed to be back at three, right? Regina you’re more than welcome to come back with her. See if anything else is going on so we can show you what happens when we take in animals or give them homes, as well as how we close up. But Mary Margaret didn’t plan for that, so it’s no pressure. You guys can figure it out or whatever, but I’ve got to get back to this…” She motions at a stack of papers and manilla folders. “This monstrosity.” And with that the two girls make their way out of the office, stopping and looking nervously at each other. Regina suddenly has the best idea.

* * *

Emma loves her job more than she has words for, but somehow Regina has managed to make it better. Even when it got weird, all thanks to her own big mouth, it was amazing. She had basically called Regina cute when she complimented her cat-like qualities, but maybe Regina hadn’t picked up on that. Really, it wouldn’t matter. Emma _does_ think she’s cute. She isn’t exactly “out and proud,” at least not loudly, but she isn’t going to deny whatever attraction she has for Regina. It’s just a small, probably unrequited crush, nothing to be concerned about.

A little bit of flirting here and there, no harm, no foul. What could go wrong? They’re just coworkers anyway and nothing serious would happen at work. Emma could not be less worried.

Or so she thinks.

As soon as they shuffle out of the office leaving Ruby to her least favorite thing in the entire universe, she looks at Regina, whose eyes suddenly light up so bright Emma actually squints at her. “What?” she asks nervously.

“Let’s go get lunch together!” Regina blurts out. “We can go get lunch together before we come back. If you want me to come back with you anyway. I wouldn’t mind.”

Emma freezes. For one, this pretty much scraps any notion that they would “just be coworkers working at work and not interacting much elsewhere” because they will undeniably be friends if they get lunch together, not to mention spending time together outside of work. Second, just as Emma can’t deny she’s attracted to Regina, she cannot and will not deny that she wants to spend more time with her.

However, third and most importantly, Emma has to acknowledge the delicacy of her situation. Usually for her lunch break, she’ll hop in her car, drive to any random fast food place, go in and get a regular sized cup of water, and sit in her car and sketch until it’s time to go back to work, or class. She’ll bring the empty cup in with her so it’ll be seen and no one’ll think she’d skipped out on lunch. It works every time, no one is suspicious, and she never has to try any harder than that because no one ever wants to go to lunch with her. Until now.

She weighs her options carefully, thinking that declining the offer would be safest, but ultimately, she gets so lost in Regina’s bright eyes that she hears herself agreeing. How can she say no? Regina looks so genuinely happy, and whatever Emma has to do, the happiness on Regina’s face will be well worth it. “Sure, where do you wanna go? Your choice.”


	3. Chapter 3

Regina ends up picking this quaint little diner that is walking distance from the shelter. The walk over is pleasant enough, but Emma suddenly feels uncomfortable, hyper aware of the situation, and the way she can feel her stomach rolling silently, twisting both in its emptiness and in its protest. As if her stomach and her brain can communicate, she tries to qualm the lower organ. _We don't know what's going to happen_.

 She catches Regina’s eye, watching a smile spread on her face and shoot straight into her eyes. Her stomach lurches again, but she doesn’t think it’s prompted by hunger this time. She grins back, glad Regina’s gaze averts because she knows her sincerity is clouded by her worry. She’s a lot of things, but subtle certainly isn’t one of them.

 Regina stops in front of a cute little diner called Granny’s and turns to face Emma. “Here we are.” She motions for Emma to go ahead in front of her, but when Emma hesitates, Regina moves forward again in the same moment that Emma stops hesitating. The two laugh awkwardly. “After you,” Regina motions again.

 Emma sidesteps into a small yet chivalrous bow. “No, after you. I insist.”

She watches as a blush creeps up Regina’s face, and she sighs a silent apology to her stomach for the extra turmoil as it flips again, even though it is definitely Regina’s fault that time. She briefly wonders if she would feel as bad about the state of her stomach if she ate, had eaten, or even just had been eating. Intrinsically, she knows she would feel worse, so she drops the thought as quick as it comes.

 Gratefully, they are being escorted to a booth in the corner and Emma can finally try to relax. She pretends to read the menu so intently that she doesn't hear the waitress approach. “Emma?” Regina prompts. “Drink?”

 Emma’s panicked eyes shifts from Regina to the waitress to the menu. “Water,” she blurts, a little too hastily. The waitress nods and walks off. Emma glances up at Regina, looking through the menu. “What are you gonna get?” she asks hesitantly.

 “They have a really good and super intense lemon chicken,” Regina says blankly without looking up.

 Emma snorts. “Super intense? Wow you must like really like chicken. No offense, but lemon chicken sounds kind of boring,” she teases.

 At that, Regina looks up, a smile tugging at her lips. “Well, it's no grilled cheese,” she teases back. Emma looks down, trying to hide her blush behind her hair. Regina lets out a soft chuckle. “They have it you know.”

 Emma returns her glance, “What?”

 “Grilled cheese. They have it here.”

 “Oh.” Emma loves that the brunette remembers such a trivial detail about her, but she wishes she hadn’t shared it with her. Regina is using it against her without even realizing it, and Emma feels entirely guilty. She watches as a type of confused concerned flashes across Regina’s face at Emma’s too simple and bland reaction before mustering up a flimsy response. “Oh, there it is on the menu,” she points lamely. “Under kids.”

 Regina’s face relaxes as Emma grins up at her. She rolls her eyes, “And you’re surprised, why?”

 The waitress comes back, looking to Regina first as she asks what they want to order. Regina gets the lemon chicken with broccoli and a side salad, honey mustard dressing. When the waitress looks to Emma, she immediately looks back down, folding the menu and handing it to her. “Ah, coffee. Black.”

 As soon as the waitress walks off, Emma chances a look at Regina who is looking at Emma with an unreadable expression on her face, looking like she wants to say something, to call Emma out on not ordering actual food, but instead she nearly beams looking down until her smile softens to look back at Emma. “You like your coffee black too?”

 Emma shrugs, more to herself than an answer, grinning at Regina. She’s sure her grin only seems genuine because Regina has such a beautiful smile, and Emma feels herself brightening at the very sight of it. Truth be told, Emma isn’t the biggest fan of black coffee. She really likes it loaded down with milk and a few packets of sugar or some kind of flavor shot like caramel or blueberry, but it’s been a while since Emma has let herself indulge any of it. She tolerates black coffee. She can’t say she likes it.

 Eventually the guilt gets to her. She doesn’t want her bonding and friendship with Regina to begin under false pretenses. “It’s not actually my favorite.” She pauses, lost in Regina’s curious eyes. “Or my second favorite. Or my third. I actually don’t think I even like it that much.” What is wrong with her? She can’t stop sharing, and she needs to before this gets bad. “I mean, I don’t _hate_ it. I probably don’t like it as much as you though, is it your favorite?” Emma tries for a half-assed grin, but it dies quickly under the intense look Regina has on her.

 Her coffee arrives then, and neither of them move for a full minute. Regina’s gaze latches onto Emma; Emma’s gaze shifting anywhere but at Regina, and finally movement occurs when Regina slides the sugar caddy in front of Emma, eyes not wavering.

 Emma breathes in deep, pushing the sugar caddy away. “I’m good, really.” Regina purses her lips together before giving her a hardly audible “okay,” and Emma tries to dissipate the awkward tension, again. “Black coffee is your favorite?” Regina nods, more quiet than Emma has seen her in their handful of interactions. Lost at what to do, Emma desperately takes a gulp of her coffee and immediately regrets it. “Fuck!”

 She exclaims so loudly that Regina jumps. Emma just hisses and holds her hand over her mouth. Regina moves over to Emma’s side of the booth and picks up her water to put into Emma’s free hand, rubbing her upper back as Emma sips the cold water, relief not being complete, but it’s definitely making it better, as is Regina’s hand rubbing slow circles on her back. Surely that isn’t supposed to ease the burning in her throat, or burning at all for that matter.

Regina’s fingers brush the nape of Emma’s neck, and she suddenly isn’t sure if the burning in her mouth has gone away or just relocated to other areas of her body, namely, her face, her belly, in between her legs…

She tries not to shift, but she feels herself doing it anyway, and Regina is suddenly up and moving back to her seat, avoiding Emma’s eyes as thoroughly as Emma is avoiding hers. Emma doesn’t want the awkwardness to last any longer, so she draws a line through it with a hasty but sincere, “thanks.”

Regina smiles up at her shyly, “You’re welcome. I hope it helped.” Emma’s eyes widen slightly. “The water, I mean.”

 Emma nods too rapidly, but can’t stop, “Of course, yes, thank you.” The awkward is back and Emma doesn’t understand what her problem is. She never gets all twisted up on people like this, except apparently she does. She can’t shake the burning from her body, and it’s like the more she tries to suppress it, the worst it gets. She groans internally, entirely and wholly frustrated.

 “It’s not still burning, is it?” Regina asks just as Emma goes for a second sip of coffee, and this time Emma almost chokes on it. She recovers herself fairly quickly and shakes her head.

 “I think that’s enough coffee for me,” she pushes the coffee to the end of the table, resigning herself to her classic water for lunch. She’s feeling so many things that her stomach is at the bottom of the list. Ignoring it today is easier than she’s used to.

 She looks up at Regina who is blinking at her looking worried, and she looks like she’s about to speak, probably about to say something that Emma won’t know how to respond to, and she’s grateful when the waitress pops back up and sets Regina’s food on the table. Regina mutters a “thank you” and Emma takes the following silence as the waitress turns to walk away to regain control of the conversation, again.

 “So, honey mustard dressing, who’s the kid now?” She grins confidently at Regina, sticking her tongue out between her teeth.

 Regina rolls her eyes. “Still you.” Emma throws her hand to her chest in mock offense, about to form some sort of retort, when Regina speaks first, serious again. “Why didn’t you order any food?”

 Emma’s heart stops beating for a second as she tried to form one of her go-to answers. “I, uh, I had a big breakfast.” She must have hesitated a moment too long though because Regina squints at her.

 “I thought you were up all night working on an art project that you turned in right before you showed up to work?”

 Emma is sure her face had never been redder. She sputters for a moment, totally lost, worried that this moment, no matter how it goes, will be the end of her and Regina's hardly formed friendship. She sighs in defeat just as Regina shrugs. “It’s fine, Emma, don’t worry about it.”

 “R-Really?”

 Regina shrugs again. “It isn’t any of my business, I was just worried about you. Here.” Regina pushes her salad bowl towards Emma. “Eat this. You like honey mustard, right?”

 The only thing stopping her from turning down the salad is the probability that this whole exchange could become even more uncomfortable than it already is. Regina knows that Emma is lying to her, that much is obvious, but it doesn’t seem like she knows why, and Emma isn’t about to let her find out. She slides the salad in front of her, staring at it. _It could be worse_.

 Emma doesn’t eat if she doesn’t have to, but unfortunately, she sometimes does have to. When she does, it’s never much. Half a pack of animal crackers now, the other half later. An apple, sliced and picked at throughout the day. A sleeve of trail mix. A salad. She pours half the ramekin of honey mustard on the salad before taking the fork beside her and picking at it. She might as well make the most of it. She could save her trail mix for tomorrow. Regina smiles at her when she takes a first bite. Emma isn’t thrilled, but if eating at least half of this salad makes Regina smile like that then it’s well worth it.

 She shakes the thought out of her mind, since her thoughts on Regina tend to get out of control, apparently. “How’s your ‘super intense’ lemon chicken?”

 Regina rolls her eyes, but laughs with Emma nonetheless. “It’s pretty good.”

 “Pretty good?”

 "Yeah, Pretty good.”

 “Well I think you should get your money back. I’ve heard from a reliable source that it’s a ‘good and super intense’ meal, way better than ‘pretty good.’” Emma is loving their silly banter, almost as much as how bright Regina’s dark eyes look when she smiles at Emma, or at least smiles at their jokes.

 “This reliable source must really be something else for you to take their opinion on chicken so seriously. A boyfriend?” As soon as she says it, Emma can tell Regina wants to take it back at the way she cringes to herself, her gaze on Emma shifting from amused to cautious, but she doesn’t say anything to correct herself or apologize, so Emma does what she can to move right on through it, confident that she can make it less awkward, again.

 “Nah, just someone cool I recently met. Very trustworthy. Excellent chicken-related opinions.” _Atta girl, Emma. You got this_ . “Besides, boyfriends are lame. Why anyone would have one in a world where girls exist is beyond me.” _Dear god, why do I even speak?_ Regina’s eyebrows shoot up and she looks down, her face hidden behind her short, dark hair. Emma grimaces to herself, so desperate to pretend she hadn’t said that that she goes as far as to stuff a bunch of lettuce in her mouth. “This salad is great, Regina, thank you.”

Still looking down at her chicken, Regina laughs lightly, “You know, it’s impolite to talk with your mouth full.” Emma doesn’t know what to say to that, so she just finishes chewing and swallows, wondering how they had ever even had a normal conversation earlier, replaying them all over and over again in her head, grasping at anything they had talked about earlier to pick up on again. Getting Regina to lead the conversation is a foolproof way to keep Emma from putting her foot in her mouth. Emma chuckles to herself, silently joking that her foot occupies her mouth more than food does before she realizes that no one would find that funny.

 Regina lifts an eyebrow, finally looking up at her. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh, nothing. So,” Emma gets off to a great start there.

“So?” Regina prompts.

“So, you want to be a vet, but it’s complicated?”

Regina sighs, wiping her mouth off with her napkin and putting it back in her lap before continuing. She looks around the diner thoughtfully before glancing back at Emma. She looks so conflicted that Emma feels bad for putting her on the spot like that, remembering the way she had let it drop earlier after seeing the pained look on Regina’s face, the same expression she has on now. She opens her mouth to speak, but closes it again, looking down at her hands. Emma can’t stand it. She just wants to put her arms around the other girl and hold her until she doesn’t look so sad.

Instead of impulsively leaping over the table to impose on Regina’s personal space, she settles for a dismissive wave of her hand, “It’s okay, Regina. You don’t have to talk about that if you don’t want.” Regina looks up at her, frown in her eyes, and Emma thinks about how Regina had let her off the hook earlier when she asked why she didn’t order food. She should return the favor. “We all have stuff we’d rather keep to ourselves.”

She expects Regina to drop it, following the pattern of their prior conversation. “Actually, I think I should talk about it.” Emma’s eyes widen, surprised.

“Oh! Okay, that’s fine. By all means. Whatever makes you comfortable.” Emma nods with encouragement.

Regina pauses for a moment as if gathering her thoughts, before looking up confidently at Emma. “I want to be a vet more than anything, but I don’t think I will be. I’m pre-med, studying to be a doctor.”

Emma’s brows furrow together in confusion. “If you want to be a vet, then why are you studying to be a doctor? Do you want to be a doctor?”

“No. I don’t want to be a doctor.”

“At all?”

“At all.” Regina’s voice is so serious and so sad that Emma feels like her chest is constricting. She doesn’t understand, but none of this seems fair, and she kind of feels angry, but doesn’t know why.

“Then why--”

“It’s my mother. She wants me to be a doctor. Anything else is a waste of her time and money.” _Ah,_ Emma thinks. _That’s why._

Emma’s anger on Regina’s behalf bubbles straight up. “That’s stupid! Why would she force you to do something you don’t even love? You deserve to be happy, does she not know that? Does she not want you to be happy? What the fuck!” When Regina doesn’t respond right away, only looking at Emma with that sadness in her eyes, Emma only gets more fired up. “Is that why you volunteered at the shelter? Oh my god, does your mom know you’re doing that? Will you get in trouble?”

“Yes, no, and yes.” Regina looks away. “I’m volunteering there behind my mother’s back. She thinks I’m volunteering at St. Ruth’s. If she knew… well, I’d be screwed. I don’t know what she would do. Probably pull me out of school and put me somewhere she can keep a closer eye on me.”

Emma sputters angrily, unable to formulate a logical response. “That’s fucking ridiculous.” It’s the best she can come up with.

Regina’s lips quirk up a little. “I’m flattered that you’re so animated about it. To be honest, I was afraid to say anything about it at all. Mary Margaret and Ruby both think I’m pre-vet. I didn’t want to correct them because I was worried they wouldn’t want me as a volunteer anymore.”

“They would understand, I promise. I can talk to them with you, if you want?”

Regina nods. “I would appreciate that.” The two sit in silence for a moment before Emma speaks up again.

“Were you- I mean- this is stupid. Were you afraid to tell me too?”

A real smile comes back onto Regina’s face as she looks at Emma. “A little bit. But I knew you would understand.” 

“How?”

“Like you said, we all have things we’d rather keep to ourselves. I figured that you wouldn’t have said that if you didn’t know what it was like, to have something you didn’t want to talk about but knew it would be for the best if you did.”

Emma gulps. She knows exactly what Regina is referring to. It is undeniable that Emma would be better off opening up about… some things. She needs help, but she isn’t ready for that. She feels a pang of guilt because Regina had been brave enough to open up to her about something she didn’t want to talk about, and Emma is unwilling to return the favor. Something about Regina makes Emma want to be honest with her, but that isn’t an option, not yet anyway. Emma nods, weighing her choices carefully.

Regina must sense she’s going to share something really big because she holds up her hand and shakes her head. “Emma it’s fine, you don’t owe me anything. Just because I shared something big with you does not mean you have to do the same.”

It’s kind of her, but Emma still feels guilty, especially since she had so actively dodged the topic of food. “No, it’s okay. I want to share this, something.” Regina nods, gazing at her intently. Closing her eyes, Emma takes a deep breath and asks, “Do you know why I work at the shelter?”

When she opens her eyes, Regina looks mildly surprised, like she isn’t expecting Emma to talk about work, but she shakes her head, prompting Emma to continue. “Okay, well, this isn’t something I’m used to getting into, but I was raised in the foster system. I switched around a lot from different families to group homes, and I really wouldn’t say any of them were good. Every now and then one was better, but it never really stayed better.

Anyway, I never got adopted, and I kept getting shoved off to new people so I never really felt loved or wanted, and I don’t mean to depress you with this. I mean, it’s in the past, and it is what it is, but that’s why I work there. If I can save anyone from feeling like I did, human or cat or dog, I want to do it.” Regina looks speechless, and Emma can’t really blame her. “I know that was a lot to dump on you like that. Sorry,” Emma offers up meagerly.

Regina shakes her head at Emma, “No, don’t be sorry.” She opens and closes her mouth before continuing, “You’re right. That was...heavy, but it’s who you are, and I’m grateful you trust me enough to open up to me so deeply.”

Emma smiles. Sharing seemed like the right idea, but the weight of what she had suddenly shared felt uneven. It hadn’t occurred to her that it would be, since none of her upbringing is of immediate issue to her like other things were. Like Regina’s thing is. “You told me why you wanted to be at the animal shelter. I thought you might like to know why I was there. Not to try to one-up you or anything, cause that was definitely not my intention.”

Smiling back, Regina shakes her head again, “Not at all, Emma. I’m glad we can talk like this.” She looks away shyly, “I don’t exactly have many friends here.”

Emma chuckles half-heartedly. “You’re not the only one.”

“It’s a good thing we’ve met then.” Emma is definitely blushing, again.

“Good thing.” She can’t stop herself from smiling back even if she tries, she just hopes it isn’t coming across as too goofy. She doesn’t need any more Awkward-Emma crashing in to mess up a perfectly good conversation, again.

After a brief moment of silence and the two young girls avoiding each other’s eyes, Regina attempts to resume their totally normal conversation, which Emma is more than happy about because her ideas for conversation topics are “do you know how the foster system works,” “do you come here often,” or “which Disney movie do you think could have been done better,” none of which she thinks Regina would appreciate, but before she can find out, Regina asks a better question than all of Emma’s combined.

“So why art?” Emma blinks for a moment, thrown by the normalcy and simplicity of the question. “If it’s personal, you don’t have to tell me. Whatever makes you comfortable, I was just curious.” She smiles, tight but sweet, and Emma wonders if she was always so composed. She wonders if she’ll get to find out.

Emma realizes she’s sitting there with her mouth hanging open like a fool probably later than she should. She snaps her jaw shut and tries to ignore the way Regina’s lips curve upward ever so slightly and the way she tries to hide it. “Uhhm, I don’t know. I like art, and I’m pretty okay at it, so it seemed natural for me to study it. I liked it as a hobby, but I guess I wanted to challenge myself. Plus, I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but I’m thinking if I’m saving animals and doing art, how bad can it be?”

Briefly, Emma wonders if it’s normal for two friends to smile at each other so much, so intensely, and for so long, but she shrugs it off. She wouldn’t know, but it probably is. ”That’s so great, Emma.” Regina’s voice is so genuine, Emma thinks her soul has started melting.

In an attempt to pull it together, she starts to ask “what about you?” before stopping herself, eyes wide, in the middle. “Ah, nevermind, we just talked about that.” Emma bumbles her way through a patch of “ums” and “uhs” and nervous looks at Regina who looks nothing short of amused before asking, “What made you decide to be a vet?” Regina almost looks as proud of Emma as she feels about getting such a great and normal question out, especially after such a mortifyingly-Emma-moment. “Wow, I can’t believe I recovered so well from that.” Emma gapes at herself in horror. “I’m so sorry I said that outloud, I don’t know what my deal is today.”

Regina laughs kindly at her, “You really should give yourself more credit. I love your commentary.”

Emma scoffs playfully. “Even the awkward?”

“Especially the awkward.” Okay, so Regina is perfect. Emma can’t find any reason to argue with that, but she doesn’t dwell on it. Perfect people are unattainable, and Emma is lucky enough to not just be Regina’s coworker, but Regina’s (potential?) friend. “Anyway, so I first realized I wanted to be a vet when I was six and started horseback riding. I had to take care of the horse I was going to be working with really closely for weeks before I could actually start riding. For a little while I thought it was nothing but boring, but one day he was noticeably sick, and all I wanted was for him to feel better, so I went to see him extra, and cared for him twice as much as usual, and watching him improve, even from something small, brightened my whole day. That stayed with me.”

Emma knows her face is smiling that stupid kind of slack grin and she can’t make it go away. “That story is so… sweet! And adorable! You must have been a cute kid taking care of that horse like that. I’ll bet he loved you.” She looks away in time to miss the intense blush Regina fails to hide.

“I’d like to think he did. Thanks.” She adds, sounding small and adorable. Emma chances a look back at her, and she does look adorable. It’s almost too much for Emma. She jumps up spontaneously.

“So!” Regina jumps. “Ah, sorry. Are you coming back to the shelter with me? It’s about that time. If not, that’s cool. I can show you how to close up anytime. Plus it’s not that hard. And I don’t want to take up all your time.”

Regina starts to say yes, before her face falls. “I want to, but I just remembered I need to get to St. Ruth’s before Mal leaves. You know, fake evidence for my mother.”

Emma nods. “Understandable. Who’s Mal?” She can’t help herself.

“Oh, she’s someone I have classes with who’s volunteering there. She agreed to help me out. In case my mom calls up there, she’s going to cover for me. Or if I need to take fake pictures, which is probably what I’m going to do today.”

Still nodding, Emma can’t help but feel disappointed. She totally understands, but she really wants to spend more time with Regina. Despite how many times Emma thinks it’s been weird today, she wouldn’t change any of it. Even the awkward. Especially the awkward. “Right. Anyway,” Emma motions towards the counter. “Do we pay over there?”

Emma starts to walk over when Regina’s hand softly wraps around her wrist, and Emma’s breath hitches, hopefully going unnoticed by Regina. “Wait, Emma?”

She’s frozen, her eyes locked on Regina’s, “Yeah?”

“Aren’t you going to finish your salad?” The two both look down at it, barely halfway eaten. Emma isn’t sure what to do so she moves her hand out of Regina’s grasp, grabs the fork and takes one final bite in an attempt to keep it cool, like Regina had nothing to worry about.

“Sorry, Regina. I guess I forgot about it. Thank you by the way.” Regina definitely looks concerned, enough to freak Emma out, but she just kind of nods, not pushing it, and follows Emma to the counter where her food is getting paid for.

“Emma, you don’t have to do that.”

“It’s my pleasure. You can get it next time.” _Next time_. There’s something Emma’s torn about. She wants there to be many more next times, but she knows there can’t be. Not lunches like this anyway, or dinners, or breakfasts, or any of that involving food.

“Okay.” Regina huffs. “But I’m going to hold you to that,” And with that she whisks out of the diner, Emma hot on her heels. She is so screwed.

Outside, Regina smiles at Emma, offering to walk her back to the shelter. Emma agrees, trying to keep it casual. It isn’t a long walk, but Emma spends most of the ten minutes freaking out about the way Emma’s hand accidentally brushes against Regina’s, and when she stuffs her hands in her pockets it’s their elbows that brush, and Regina sounding concerned when Emma shivers, from the cold or from Regina, Emma isn’t sure, but she tells Regina she’s fine and will make it just to have her not look so worried. She doesn’t look convinced, but she lets Emma have it with a passing comment about Emma’s endurance being admirable, which leaves Emma speechless and flustered. Shivering makes her look weak, but the cold is hiding her blush and bad nerves pretty well, and she’ll take what she could get.

In general, Regina has made Emma pretty nervous so far today, and from what she knows about herself (she’s a crazy hormonal and out of control eighteen year old), everything got more out of control as the day goes on. In general, Regina makes her nervous.

Emma thinks she has survived the worst of it until they reach the shelter and suddenly they are facing each other, and Emma realizes she has no idea how they are supposed to say goodbye. She knows she would be more than okay with a hug, but she isn’t sure Regina would be. The thought of Regina wanting to hug her is enough to make Emma start sweating, even in the cold. So when Regina starts to spread her arms out and lean towards Emma, Emma panics, and she sticks her numb right hand into Regina’s warm gloved hand and gives it three hard shakes, keeping her eyes on their hands the whole time. “Sorry, um I should go,” she blurts out before darting back inside, not looking back as she flings the door closed.

As soon as Emma makes it back into the lobby she sits down on a waiting bench, putting her head in her hands and gasping for a breath. _What the fuck was that?_ As soon as she hears Ruby’s voice echoing through the lobby, “Emmaaaa,” she slides through the visitor door leading to the back to avoid Ruby’s questions. She makes her way to the dog’s playroom, eerily quiet without the dogs in it, and strips off her winter clothes before throwing herself on the couch.

She makes every attempt to shed herself of her embarrassment before Ruby appears next to her, trying to scootch her over on the couch to make room. Emma groans. “Ugh, Ruby, you know there’s another couch right over there.”

Ruby rolls her eyes, “Yeah, but it’s more fun to bother you on this couch with you right here next to me.”

Slamming her face into her beanie, Emma groans again, even louder this time. “Ruby, seriously! Why do you even have to bother me? Go away, and let me suffer in peace.”

“Suffer? Damn, Emma, you got it bad. Do you wanna talk about it? 

“Does it look like I wanna talk to you?” 

Ruby laughs, “No, but when does that ever stop me?”

“It doesn’t.”

“Exactly. So, what’s the deal? It’s definitely Regina. I don’t care what you say. This is the same way I acted around my first crush--”

“Ruby.” Emma waits in silence for a moment to be sure she isn’t going to keep talking. “I’m gonna stop you right there--”

“Yeah, yeah Emma, I know. You don’t have feelings for Regina and you want me to stop teasing you and to never mention it to her ever, and never mention this to Mary Margaret, and pretend like this conversation never happened and that I never saw you moping with your face planted in a couch a dog has probably peed on.”

Emma looks shocked. “Ignoring that last part, but yeah. That’s _exactly_ what I want.”

Shrugging, Ruby looks down at something in her hands Emma hasn’t noticed until now. “I can try my best, but you know I can’t promise anything.” She hands a folded piece of paper to Emma. “After you ran away, Regina came in and left this for you.” Emma snatches it enthusiastically. “Wow, no feelings, huh?”

“Shut up.” Emma opens it to reveal a note in what she expected Regina’s handwriting to look like, slender and cursive and refined and elegant, but a little bumpy like she wrote against the brick wall of the building. Emma’s heart swells a little at the sight. The note reads: _Emma, I wanted to give you my number. Text me if you ever need anything, at all, ever. -Regina_. With her number at the bottom.

Ruby chuckles. “Emma! I knew it!”

“What?”

“That stupid grin on your face speaks for itself.” Emma shoots her a glare. “Okay, fine, last one… for now.” She stands up to leave. “I know you don’t want to get your hopes up, and that’s great, but don’t do the opposite either, okay?” When Emma doesn’t respond, she continues, “Get back to work, punk. If you need to talk, you know where to find me.”

Emma tries to frown at her or make some kind of witty remark, but all she can do is read Regina’s note and smile to herself. “Yeah, sure, Ruby.”

Emma is wrapping up at the shelter, and she still hasn't texted Regina. She doesn’t want to seem overeager, but now she’s worried she has waited too long and it’s weird. But then again, Regina knows she’s at work, so it probably isn’t a big deal.

As soon as Emma steps into the office, phone in hand, blank message ready to be written, Ruby asks, “Have you texted her yet?”

“Ooh, texted who? Regina?” Emma jumps at the sound of Mary Margaret’s voice, looking at her and then accusingly at Ruby.

“You told her?!”

“Told me what?” Mary Margaret looks innocent as ever until a sly grin spreads across her face. “Ooh, you like her don’t you?” She nudges Emma on the arm.

Emma looks from her to Ruby totally exasperated. “Hey, kid, you did that to yourself. Can’t blame me this time.” Ruby puts her palms up in the ‘I surrender’ pose. “I know you like to live with your foot in your mouth, but I think this is a personal best for you.”

Emma sinks into the chair next to Mary Margaret. “Whatever. And no, I haven’t texted her.”

“What are you waiting for? Do it!”

“Hey speaking of Regina, did she do okay today?” Emma grasps at Mary Margaret’s totally relevant and less embarrassing question, and launches into her generic answer about how she did a good job, and this and that and the other, not wanting to sound too impressed. Mary Margaret nods the whole time looking pleased. “I think she’s going to last and be such a great addition. I just love that she’s pre-vet.”

Emma stays quiet. She and Regina will talk about it together, she promised. She nods, and adds a “yeah she is pretty great” before Ruby tells her to get her scrawny ass home and text Regina. As soon as the next excited squeal leaves Mary Margaret’s mouth, Emma is out the door before she can end up in anymore compromising situations. She has a message typed to Regina less than a minute out the door.

[6:01] _hey, it’s emma, just wanted you to have my number. you know, just in case you need anything_

She hits send.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***(trigger warning: anorexia, self harm)*** (the self harm scene marked with asterisks if you need to skip it)

As Regina walks out of Snow Animal Shelter and heads towards St. Ruth’s, one thing is certain. Regina is nervous. She doesn’t know how or why, but she is. The second Emma disappears, Regina kicks herself. All through their lunch that day she had been periodically reminding herself that she wanted to give the blonde her number. Not in a weird way, but, you know, just in case. But Emma dashes inside abruptly, leaving Regina improvising.

She’s fortunate to have paper and a pen in her purse, and while the brick wall of the animal shelter doesn’t make for the best writing support, it makes do, and she’s sure it would have looked messy no matter what, given how shaky she is. She keeps telling herself it’s the weather, even though she honestly doesn’t feel all that cold. She finishes her note and goes inside, not surprised when she doesn’t see Emma, but Ruby is surprised to see her. Regina tries to pass off the note for Emma to the taller woman without looking as nervous as she feels, but the way Ruby grins at her tells her she probably failed.

Now all she has to do is wait, and hope Emma will text her so she can have Emma’s number too. For emergencies. Obviously. 

When she makes it to the hospital, Mal is waiting for her with an extra lab coat slung over her arm. “God, Regina it’s a good thing you’ll be wearing this.” She passes the lab coat to Regina, looking her up and down disdainfully. “You know your mother would never let it go that you were wearing jeans, not to mention, it’s against the dress code.”

Regina looks down at her outfit before looking up at Mal apologetically. “I completely forgot. I’m so sorry about that, I just came back from the shelter. Well, from lunch, but I’ve been working there all morning.” Mal clicks her tongue, eyes rolling while Regina slides on the lab coat.

“Here, stand behind this cart and push it a little, I’ll do one candid shot and one posed. Awesome. Okay, now we’re going to go into that room over there and you’re going to pretend to be cleaning up the bed. Very good. Okay, now we’re going to do a selfie for good measure.” Regina goes with all of Mal’s ideas, trying her best to look like she fits in. “Okay I’ll send you all of these.”

“Thank you so much Mal, I really appreciate it. You have no idea.”

Mal waves her off, “It’s no problem, dear. You know I owe you after you covered for me when I got the flu last month. Your note taking skills are impeccable.” Regina shrugs. “Anyway, I’m finished in about an hour, do you want to go grab some dinner with me?”

“I just ate lunch.”

Pursing her lips at Regina, Mal nearly interrupts her, “Well, we can wait a little bit, or you don’t have to eat, whatever floats your boat, but I’m incredibly hungry, and I don’t feel like cooking or eating alone. Besides, I probably should tell you about what I’m doing here so you have something to tell your mother about when you have to call her later. You know I’m right.”

Regina groans, “Yes, unfortunately, you are. I’m going to go home and shower. I’ll meet you back here in an hour?” Mal waves in both approval and dismissal as she turned and walks back down the hall. Regina checks her phone as she heads home. Nothing from Emma.

The first thing she does when she gets out of the shower, slips on her bathrobe, and heads back to her dorm room, is check her phone. Her heart pounds when she sees a new message, hoping it’s from Emma, but it sinks when she sees it’s just from Mal with the pictures they took earlier. They look convincing and she needs the pictures, but Regina can’t help but feel disappointed.

When it’s 4:15, she starts to head back to St. Ruth’s where Mal is waiting for her outside. “Regina, there you are. I finished up a bit early, so I had enough time to change. Are you ready? Did you get the pictures I sent you?”

“Yes and yes. Thank you again for that. Where are we headed?”

Mal rolls her eyes, for no apparent reason. “Not far. This tapas bar down the street. It’s exquisite.”

“What?”

“Oh. It’s small plates.” Regina blinks. _Is she serious?_ “Don’t worry, honey, it’s good.”

Holding back every possible grimace at Mal’s derogatory tone, Regina nods. “I bet.” Mal is usually friendly enough, but she has an abrasive personality that most people clash with, and Regina is no exception. While she’s difficult to get along with, Regina doesn’t have many other people on her side and having Mal even on a bad day is better than having nobody at all.

Mal leads her to this two story building that looks too high end and expensive to be this close to a college campus. This inside is nice, if not too pretentious. Regina thinks this is the kind of place her mother would frequent, and she isn’t surprised Mal does. This would be a nice place for a promising first date, but not so great for a casual outing with friends _before_ actual dinnertime.

They’re escorted to the second floor to a small table by the window overlooking some other attractions around the area, and Regina finds herself unable to look away until there are noises and movement on the table. Finding a large bottle of cucumber water and two empty glasses in front of her, the girl who set them down introduces herself sounding thoroughly uninterested, “Hey, my name is Eliza and I’m gonna be taking care of you tonight, would you like to start off with something to drink? An appetizer?”

Regina shakes her head, gesturing at the water to convey that it is sufficient, but Mal, already of age, says, “Yeah, I need a drink. Dark ‘N’ Stormy, please.” She doesn’t ID her.

Eliza looks to Regina. “What about you?” 

Before Regina can answer, Mal does it for her. “Bring her a Bourbon Apple Sangria. On me.” Regina gapes at Mal as Eliza turns to walk away.

“Mal, are you serious? I can’t drink that, I’m not even twenty yet! Besides--” 

Mal hisses, effectively cutting Regina off. “They don’t need to know how old you are so shut up and act my age. Trust me, you’ll like it. It’s right up your alley. You look like you could afford to loosen up some anyway, you’ve checked your phone seven times since we left the hospital.” Regina blinks, unsure if she’s more stunned that Mal noticed or that Regina hadn’t. She’s checking it again before she even realizes and curses to herself, tucking her phone in her coat pocket and looking up at Mal, a sly grin creeping across her face. “Who are you texting?”

Regina blushes and looks away, back out the window. “Nobody.”

Scoffing, Mal picks up the drink that was just set down for her. “Yeah, right.” When Regina doesn’t answer, Mal continues. “Regina, the menu. Don’t make me order for you.”

“I told you I already ate.” 

“And I told _you_ it was _small plates_!” Exasperated, Regina looks down at the menu in front of her. She can’t help but wonder what Emma would get if she were here. Or if she would order anything at all. It was odd earlier, and Regina has her suspicions, but she doesn’t want to push it if Emma isn’t ready or willing to open up about it. Regina is definitely worried, but she’s only just met Emma. For all she knows, everything is absolutely fine.

The waitress comes back and Mal raises her eyebrows at Regina who decides to order a fancified version of spicy shrimp tacos, while Mal selects a calamari dish that she butchers the name of, but Regina isn’t going to correct her. “Hmm.” Mal hums intentionally.

“What?”

“Oh, nothing. Tacos are just very yonic, don’t you think?” Regina inhales sharply. Eyes out the window again, watching as the sun set and all the local businesses start switching their outdoor lights on.

“And? Your point?”

Mal chuckles. “Nothing, dear. Don’t worry about it.” And naturally, worry about it is all Regina does. “Drink up, Regina. It won’t taste as good once it sits for too long and warms.” Regina sips it tentatively, impressed that it actually tastes good, but she can’t help but glance around cautiously, eliciting a groan from Mal. “Regina! Stop that, you’re making yourself look suspicious. Just drink it and calm the hell down.”

She takes two more sips before putting the drink down and pulling her phone out to check it once again without thinking, immediately disappointed when there isn’t a message waiting for her. However, she knows Emma will be at work for another hour, so she isn’t going to let herself worry about it yet. “Regina.” Mal’s voice shakes Regina from her thoughts. “Who’s the guy?” She smirks suspiciously, like that wasn't the question she wanted to ask. Definitely baiting, but Regina doesn't know for what.

Genuinely confused, Regina’s brow crinkles. “What guy?”

“Oh, come on, Regina! All the phone checking, you’re obviously waiting for _someone_ to text you, and everytime you look at it, you put it down and look pouty like a sad little puppy. You’re clearly waiting for a text from someone you like, and you’re disappointed you’re not on the forefront of his mind!”

Regina stares at Mal, slack-jawed, floored by her analysis. “That’s just… It’s actually… ” she sputters for a moment, trying to find the right words, before spitting out, “That isn’t what’s happening.” She glares out the window again, taking another long sip of her drink.

When Mal doesn’t speak up anytime soon, Regina eyes her curiously and watches as she smirks and darts her eyes between Regina and the building Regina was just staring at outside. “Huh.”

“What now?” Regina is beyond frustrated. Going out with friends shouldn’t be so mentally exhausting. Lunch with Emma proved that today, and despite the few awkward moments they shared, none if it ever felt like it was too much. This is another story.

Eyes outside, Mal muses, “Maybe we should have gone there instead.”

“Why? And what does that have to do with me checking my phone? Why does it matter?” Regina scoffs, bringing her hands up to a casual shrug before letting them slap back onto her legs and reaching for her glass.

Mal snickers as she meets Regina’s gaze going for the final sip of her drink. “It’s a gay bar.”

At that Regina chokes on her drink, just as their waitress is setting the food down. “A _what_?!” she exclaims as soon as she recovers herself.

Mal snorts at her before she asks the waitress for another round for them both, and turns back to Regina. “A gay bar, dear. Not really my style but it’s maybe yours. We can go there next time if you’d like.”

“No, no, I heard what you said.”

“Okay, then what’s the problem? It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I’m not gay, Mal.” Regina says, indignant. When Mal does nothing but shrug and hum at her, Regina grits her teeth. “I’m not.”

“Whatever you say, dear.” Huffing, Regina decides she isn’t hungry enough to take even a bite, so she asks for a box as soon as the waitress comes back with their second round of drinks, another thing Regina doesn’t want. “You’re buying that one so you better drink up. Can’t take that in a cup to-go.”

Regina shakes her head, now looking anywhere but out the window. “You’re unbelievable.” She stops herself from pulling her phone out another time to check it, unable to get Emma out of her mind, which is totally platonic. It has to be.

“Look, I’m just being honest. I didn’t know that it would upset you so much. I thought you already kn--”

“Stop it, Mal. There’s nothing to know.” Regina scowls to herself as she picks up the second drink and downs it in one go.

Mal follows suit and orders herself another before explaining the check breakdown and getting the bill for Regina. “You know I’m here for you if you ever need to talk, or if you ever want to try that place out.”

At that, Regina slams her hands onto the table. “I’m going to the ladies’ room. Excuse me.” She has to stop and ask one of the waitstaff where to go, but other than that, she makes a beeline for the bathroom. Splashing her face lightly with water, she tries to shake off whatever horrified, nervous state of mind she feels herself in. She can feel herself growing warm from the alcohol, along with the way her mind slips between thoughts, her awareness only a step behind.

She suddenly remembers a moment from earlier, her fingers brushing against Emma’s neck as she tries to assuage the blonde’s coffee affliction, and the way the brief contact makes her body temperature seemingly shift, the way she feels goosebumps under her fingers and a shooting warmth starting from her fingertips moving all through her body, surging.

The thought is shaken from her head before it is even completed, and Regina pulls out her phone involuntarily, When she feels herself slouch after seeing no new messages from Emma, she shakes her head and storms back to the table. Totally platonic. Or at least platonISH.

When Regina gets back to the table, Mal is nursing her third drink and smirking out the window. Regina rolls her eyes, which widen the minute she looks at her bill, but she pays it and sits in silence, waiting for Mal to say something, because god knows she isn’t going to. “Did you get the text yet?” With another groan, Regina doesn’t answer, letting her groan be the only response Mal gets. “I’m going to take that as a no. Whatever.” Mal finishes off her drink and stands to leave. “Ready?”

Regina immediately gets up and started to walk out, “You have no idea.” They say their goodbyes not long after leaving the restaurant, and Regina spends the first ten minutes of the walk glancing at her phone and chastising herself for doing it. She wouldn’t say she was drunk, but she definitely feels something, and the lack of control she has on her thoughts makes her wish she hadn’t inhaled the second drink. Her mind keeps shifting from Emma to the way Mal kept implying that Regina was gay, even when Regina told her she wasn’t.

Every time Regina denies it to herself, rejecting the possibility once and for all, her thoughts flicker back to Emma - her smile, her voice, the touch of her skin against Regina’s, and Regina finds herself wondering what it would be like to lace her fingers through Emma’s hair and tug her gently towards her, hand cupped at the base of Emma’s head, her other arm at Emma’s waist, slipping softly under her shirt to feel the skin at the small of her back, pulling her closer until their lips met, but then Regina realizes what she’s thinking, and _oh god_ , what she’s _feeling_ , and she inhales a sharp breath and shakes her head, trying and failing to clear it.

Just because her thoughts are betraying her, doesn’t mean everything else is, but she can’t help but think that isn’t entirely the case. Mal can’t read her mind, but she obviously has her suspicions. It could have been Regina looking at the gay bar (for the record, not even knowing it was a gay bar), but she’d made the obnoxious comment about tacos being yonic before that, and whatever Mal meant by _that_ , Regina could only imagine.

And then there was the inquiry Mal kept insisting upon making about the person texting her. She put too much emphasis on “guy” and looked way too sneaky to have not been fishing for Regina to admit she was waiting on a text from a _girl_ , not a guy. She’s too tipsy to stop herself from pulling out her phone and sending a quick text to Mal.

[Regina] _What made you think I was gay?_

Even though she had just sent Mal a text, her heart races when she felt it vibrate in her hand. It’s not Emma, of course.

[Mal] _Please_.

Regina rolls her eyes. That’s such a Mal response. She tries to stop worrying about it, deciding that Mal is just trying to push her buttons and has no actual way of knowing… _thinking…_ that Regina’s gay. And really, Regina knows herself better than anyone.

As soon as Regina gets home, she takes off her coat and her scarf and lets herself fall onto the bed. It’s almost six, which means that Emma will be off work soon. It feels like a moment of truth. She knows that Emma would have gotten the note because Ruby had squealed with excitement and practically darted to the back to find Emma, yelling out a “see ya!” over her shoulder. Regina had chuckled to herself, but she now finds herself wondering why Ruby had been so excited. Was it a big deal? Did it look like she was hitting on Emma? She starts to panic when her phone suddenly buzzes beside her.

Her heart stops. She has to work up the courage to pick up her phone, and then again to make it light up. When she sees it’s from a new number, she sits up, probably too fast because she suddenly feels lightheaded, unless that’s from something else. When she opens the message, she actually squeals, unable to stop the wide grin now breaking out on her face. She’s feeling too much to stop and question it.

[6:01] [Emma] _hey, it’s emma, just wanted you to have my number. you know, just in case you need anything_

Regina’s mind is moving a thousand miles a minute. Emma texts her literally the minute after her shift ends. Has she been waiting the whole time, thinking about texting Regina? Or is it just convenient? Is Emma copying Regina’s note to her because it makes for a comfortable first text? Or is she just trying to return the favor? Regina thinks it’s cute. What if Emma is trying to be cute? Oh god, does Regina want her to have been trying to be cute? Is Emma even gay? God, is Regina gay?? She puts her phone in her lap and hides her face in her hands, trying to calm down. Nothing makes much sense anymore, but she doesn’t feel like it needs to, but maybe that’s the alcohol talking.

She picks her phone back up. 6:03. If she responds now will that make her look too eager? Does she want to look too eager? Emma had managed to wait hours until her shift ended. Regina could wait too, right? _Wrong_.

[Regina] _Emma, hey, I’m glad you got my note :)_

She hits send, and immediately shakes her head at herself. An emoji? Regina doesn’t do emojis. Except that she just sent one to Emma! One thing is clear, Regina needs to calm down. Maybe leave her phone off for a couple of hours, take a cold shower, just go to sleep… She thinks it’s a great plan, but then

[Emma] _me too :)_

Regina is too giddy to stop, and luckily too giddy to stop and think too hard about what she’s thinking now and what it all means. She’s too lost in the moment to worry about it.

[Emma] _sorry i ran off before you could give it to me in person lol_

[Regina] _You’re totally fine. How was work?_

[Emma] _boring, without your company_

[Emma] _ruby got peed on. that was pretty funny but other than that i thought it would never end_

[Emma] _i’m glad i’m getting to text you_

[Emma] _idk. anyway_ , _how was your cover up mission?_

Actually giggling, Regina smiles to herself. Emma missed her. Emma wants to text her. Emma wants to tell her funny stories. Emma wants to ask about her day. Regina is absolutely sure that without those drinks, she wouldn’t be acting like this. Probably. She sends Emma the pictures Mal took earlier and is more than pleased when Emma describes them as “professional, stunning, and totally believable.” Her mom says they’re “decent and uninteresting, but thanks,” and Regina ignores her mother’s text to keep talking to Emma, still finding it in her to believe that what she’s feeling is totally platonic.

Or at least platonish.

* * *

 

She and Regina have been texting for nearly four hours straight, and Emma couldn’t be happier about it. Earlier, all she wanted to do was deny that she might be developing some feelings for the brunette, because for one, they’ve really only known each other for half a day, as well as the fact that she can’t tell if Regina is straight or not, but she feels differently now as she texts her. She rolls her eyes at herself, acknowledging that the time since she last thought that was still today, and they still haven’t really known each other for very long, but they’ve been talking nearly non stop, the only time they weren’t talking being the few hours after lunch and before Emma got off work.

Besides, Emma isn’t in the mood to pretend that she can control the way she feels giddy and nervous and excited as she texts Regina. Whatever happens, happens. And although they aren’t really talking about much (currently they’re both watching the ID channel and are texting each other their thoughts on it with casual conversation between commercials), Emma can’t seem to tell if Regina is flirting with her or not. Emma is sure to be subtle about _her_ flirting though, just in case.

It’s around ten o’clock that they decide it’s probably time for bed, having to be up for work in the morning. Regina’s the first to mention it, and Emma reluctantly agrees that it’s for the best and silently hopes that this goodbye won’t be as awkward as their first one earlier today.

[Regina] _I suppose I’ll see you at work tomorrow_

[Emma] _you *better* see me at work tomorrow_

[Emma] _it's more fun with you there_

[Emma] _besides, i don’t wanna walk 23 dogs by myself, y’know?_  

[Regina] _Don’t worry, I won’t leave you stranded there, forced to do your job alone_

[Regina] _Sorry, I mean *our* job_

[Emma] _good :)_  

[Emma] _night, regina :)_

[Regina] _Goodnight, Emma. Sweet dreams_

Emma turns her phone off to avoid saying anything else. Ruby’s right, she has it bad, probably. On the one hand, she knows how she feels, but on the other, she doesn’t want to open herself up for inevitable hurt. Straight or not, Emma knows that any feelings Regina could have for her won’t make it.

The way that Emma is, the way she doesn’t eat even when she can, the way she skips meals even when she’s hungry, the way she lets herself get hungry and stay that way just to feel better, the way that she has scars both new and old, inner and outer. Nobody will ever love her. This isn’t about Regina, just something Emma knows to be true. 

 ****** **_trigger warning: self harm_ ** ****** (asterisks below mark end of scene)

She hardly notices the low growl of her stomach as she strips down to her underwear. Instead, all she can think about was that something doesn’t feel good or right, like something that eating something healthy _should_ fix, but doesn’t. All she can think about is the honey mustard on the few bites of salad she ate, and how she should have just left it off.

Emma has always had a weird relationship with punishment. Most of her foster families would dole out a punishment that was impersonal and distant, like keeping her separated in a room alone for some period of time, or sending her to bed without dinner, or just sending her away to another home. She never had any of the more up-close and personal punishments like spankings or her mouth getting washed out with soap. It wasn’t until her own doing that she found that more direct and physical punishment was effective for her.

The first time she did it, she was fifteen years old. That day at school, a boy had told her that she had chubby cheeks like a hamster, and she had punched him in the face, resulting in ISS for a week. She only learned two things that week. One was that she had hamster cheeks. Two was that she could forget about her hamster cheeks if she took something sharp to her skin.

That was where it started. She hadn’t known it evolved until she looked back to remember what it was like before. She was sure it wasn’t always about food, but that’s what it had become. It’s hard to maintain her food-related standards for herself in a world where people are suspicious, so for times she breaks her rules, she has punishments for herself waiting. It’s about a number. She decides that the worse she breaks the rules, the more she eats or the worse she eats, the higher the number will be. The number gets settled, and she cuts and count until the number of fresh cuts she has matches the number, and then she cleans up. The highest number she’s ever gone to is six hundred.

She knows it isn’t good that it happens, but it’s better being about number than about depth.

It’s uncommon for her number to be so small, but she decided that the honey mustard is only worth ten, so she sits on the floor in front of the full length mirror propped up against the wall, and reaches behind for her bag of supplies, removing a pill bottle from the bag and a blade from the bottle, she draws it across her thigh in swift lines. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

For a moment, she just sits and watches as little beads of blood begin to appear along the cuts, slowly dripping over and moving along the shape of her leg with its gravity. It stings a little, but Emma’s used to it. The steady sting is enough to shift her main center of feeling from the skin around her face and her neck to her bleeding leg. She makes sure none of it hits the carpet. She watches as it dries. Once it has, Emma picked off the dried blood, cut by cut, before cleaning the wounds with peroxide and a cotton ball, covering it up with some gauze and medical tape, disinfecting the blade, and crawling into bed.

 ****** **_trigger warning: end_ ** ******

She isn’t crazy. Emma is more than willing to admit that she should be seeking help, but she knows that once she does, she’ll be exposed, and everyone will know, and no one will ever accept her. She’ll be seeking help alone, which is almost like not getting help at all. So she shrugs the thought away and lets the waves of her fears lull her to sleep.

* * *

It’s been almost two weeks since Regina’s first day at the animal shelter, and she’s fallen so much more in love with it than she ever expected to. She knew every animal in that building by heart, and nothing made her day brighter than walking into the dog’s playroom, and all the excited pups running excitedly to see her. Well, almost nothing.

It’s a regular occurrence for Emma Swan to brighten Regina’s day.

She doesn’t even have to do anything but breathe, and Regina catches herself grinning and having to look away to hide it. Sometimes she’s sure Emma notices. Sometimes she’s sure Emma smiles back.

Regina spent a lot of time over the past two weeks tormenting herself trying to understand this weird, really odd, _platonic_ attraction she seemed to have for the blonde. Sometimes she was so sure that she could call it platonic, but more times than she would admit, she would realize too late that she was thinking really unusual things to think about someone you feel platonically about.

Today, they’re cleaning up the dog’s pens while Ruby keeps them all entertained in their playroom, and Regina is staring at Emma while she folds quilts and blankets that just came out the laundry, juggling made-up Regina statistics in her head. She’s 91% sure she’s not gay. But then Emma leans over to pull another blanket from the laundry basket. _Fuck, okay, maybe 77%... or 62%._ Emma looks up at her and grinned. _50%_.

“Are you just gonna stand there or are you gonna help me?” Emma raises her eyebrows at her and bends back down for another blanket. Biting her bottom lip between her teeth, she tosses it to Regina, whose gay-ass percentage is down to 39%.

By the time they’re taking the blankets back to the kennels, Regina is down to being 11% sure she’s not gay, and it doesn’t help that Emma is walking her way down the pathway in front of her. Emma’s very existence makes her nervous, but all of her nerves go active the second that Emma turns around to Regina, just as Regina is allowing herself a good look of the blonde. At the blush spreads across Regina’s face, Emma smirks and raises an eyebrow curiously, “You okay?”

Emma _definitely_ noticed Regina looking up and down her body. Regina’s eyes freeze on the space just to the left of Emma’s shoulder, and she wipes her expression clean. _It’s just an aesthetic thing. Not a gay thing. Nope. Aesthetic. Straight women can appreciate other women’s bodies, and think about holding them and touching them and kissing them, and… Dammit, Regina, get it together. That can all be aesthetic, right? Emma studies art so she’d understand that for sure._ Regina suddenly hears herself blurting out, “I took an art history class once and we talked about the difference between nude and naked.” _What the hell?_

Emma’s eyebrows rocketed up her forehead, her eyes wide. “Oh..?”

Regina stammers, trying to explain herself. “I was just thinking…” What _is_ she thinking? Oh, that’s right, _nothing_. Maybe Emma hadn’t even noticed the totally-not-gay-way Regina was staring at her and now Regina is just being super weird and creeping Emma out. “Aesthetics?” Regina squeaks.

Emma nods slowly, clearly confused, but trying to formulate some kind of normal, human response no doubt. “Nude is art and not necessarily meant to be sexualized, and naked is typically just a more raw and carnal state of the body.”

Regina looks relieved but her heart is still beating frantically as if trying to put her out of her embarrassed misery. “Exactly,” Regina releases a staggered breath.

Emma gives her a crooked smile, raising an eyebrow in amusement. “What about it?”

Another wave of panic washes over Regina. How did she even get herself into this? “Umm…” she drifts off, looking anywhere but at Emma. This is going to be the worst cover up explanation the world has ever known, but she’s talking before she can stop herself to think of a better thing. “Okay so I was thinking that sometimes, you look at a dog and it’s…you know, doing it’s thing…”

Emma hum intentionally, bearing a shit-eating grin. “What thing is it doing?”

“Uh, you know, that thing dogs do.” Regina doesn’t want to say it, but she can tell Emma wants her to. “When they… have to go.”

“Go? Go where?” If her smile wasn’t so adorable, Regina would have wanted to smack it off her.

Sighing in defeat, Regina gives in to Emma’s silly needs. Saying it will make Emma laugh, which is Regina’s motivation. You know, along with a way out of this situation. “When dogs take a shit.” Emma squeals in delight before doubling over in laughter, gripping Regina’s arm to hold her steady. Regina takes advantage of Emma being unable to see her to let out the smile the blonde’s laugh put on her face. She knows it looks cheesy, but Emma doesn’t need to.

Emma recomposes herself and turns back to Regina, still softly chuckling. “You were saying?”

Regina grimaces, “Yeah so sometimes you see dogs… taking a shit.” Emma snorts. “They look really animalistic, obviously, and exposed and naked, but then when a dog is walking or taking a nap, it doesn’t look like that… so it’s just...aesthetically nude?” Regina ends with a hint of inflection. She cringes inwardly about how bad that was. She’s fairly certain that was the furthest thing from a solid cover, but she isn’t going to be caught dead telling Emma that she finds her aesthetically pleasing to look at or that there’s a chance Emma makes her feel any sort of “carnal needs.”

After Regina finishes, she and Emma lock eyes for a moment, Emma’s grin growing wider, but after a while, a blush starts to creep up her face and she looks down, pushing her hair behind her ear, which is also burning red. Her grin hasn’t gone away, and if anything it’s just gotten bigger. She glances shyly up at Regina and for the half a second their eyes meet before Emma looks away again, Regina knows. She’s gay enough to know that she would do anything to make Emma do That Thing again, or anything like that honestly.

Everything is suddenly clear, and she doesn’t question any of it. This is attraction, but it isn’t platonic. Emma is cute; Emma is silly; Emma is beautiful; Emma is smart; Emma makes Regina’s heart swell. Regina may not be totally sure what she is, but straight is not it.

* * *

 

Since it’s a Saturday, their busiest day of the week, Emma and Regina have separate lunch breaks, and it’s time for the first one.

“No, Regina, it’s fine. I ate a lot for breakfast, and I’m really not going to be hungry for a while anyway. You should get your break first,” Emma insists.

Regina looks at her, contemplating. Emma’s stomach growled not even twenty minutes ago. It’s clear she’s lying, and Regina can’t figure out why. Emma is sneaky about things like this, but as usual, Regina isn’t going to push it, and she isn’t going to worry until she has serious reason to. For all she knows, Emma just wants Regina to go first. “Okay fine, I’ll go first. But you’re going after me. You’re not staying here and continuing to work for your lunch break. Unless I bring you something back? Do you want anything?”

“No thanks,” Emma says too fast, shaking her head. “I promise I’ll go next, just please go eat.” They share a smile before Regina turns to leave. She picks a place where she can get a salad, and she’s enjoying it when her phone lights up with a text from Mal. She rolls her eyes before she even knows what it’s about.

[Mal] _Your mom called up here to talk to you. I told her you weren’t here today and you would call her from work sometime. Apparently she just wants to hear you answer the phone when she calls thinking she’s a client._

[Regina] _Tell her they don’t let the new kids answer the phone._

[Regina] _She’s ridiculous. Thanks again for helping me_

[Mal] _Anytime, dear. Just remember, if you want to check out that place…_

Regina reads the message, scoffs, and puts her phone down without replying. Maybe she’s just had an astronomical realization about herself, but if she wants to go to the gay bar, she won’t want to go with Mal. She would much prefer going with Emma.

She finishes her salad and returns to the shelter, not even bothering to spend the rest of her thirty minutes away from work. She knows Emma’s hungry, and she isn’t going to be detrimental to Emma’s health.

She walks in and finds Emma in the playroom, tennis ball in hand, surrounded by overly excited dogs. As soon as she sees Regina, she casually tosses the tennis ball in the opposite direction and all but skips towards her. “You’re back early.”

“Yeah, I know I am. Your turn.”

Emma groans, “Fine. Okay so the dogs have another hour of community time, so you can just chill in here, and I’ll be back in an hour.”

To Regina’s surprise, Emma is back in _exactly_ an hour, on the minute, carrying a Burger King cup.

“Wow, I don’t know which to comment on first, your punctuality or your taste in food.” Regina joked. Emma offers up a mediocre laugh, clearly not finding any of it funny, choosing to comment on the former.

“Yeah I know, I actually know how to manage my time. That and I like to make the most of my breaks, but I also didn’t want to keep you waiting.” Emma grins at her. “So, I guess it’s time for walks.”

Regina smiles back at her. “Sure, whatever you want.”

Today’s walks are pleasant. They usually are. Regina’s favorite part of the day is walking dogs with Emma, back and forth and back and forth, giving all the dogs a chance to walk without them getting dragged off by ten dogs at once. Since Regina’s most recent realization, she’s found that she’s been less afraid to smile, especially around Emma. Everything feels more free.

They’re on the last leg of walks, out of ten total, taking one dog at a time, unless they were little enough to safely double them up. As they walk along, Regina finds herself asking, “So what do you do on your lunch break?”

“What?” Emma sounds slightly panicked, like a red flag Regina isn’t supposed to see.

“Well, you went to Burger King, I know cause of your cup, but that’s fast food, and it certainly doesn’t take an hour to prepare it or eat it. So you must pass the rest of your time somehow?”

Emma nods, looking more calm, “Yeah, I draw. Whatever time I have… leftover. I draw.”

“Can you show me some time?”

At first Emma seems surprised that she wants to see, but a small smile soon appears, “You really want to?”

Regina smiles back at her. “Of course I want to.”

For a moment, they just smile at each other as they walked, but Emma suddenly falters forward, gripping onto Regina’s arm, trying to pass her the leash. Regina instinctively grabs it from Emma, but also moves in an attempt to catch her, as she’s definitely falling over. She manages to stop her from hitting the ground too hard or concussing herself, but it’s difficult to manage two curious dogs and Emma, who seems to have lost consciousness. “Emma?”

No response. Regina pulls out her phone to call Mary Margaret at the shelter. As soon as she answers, Regina frantically explains the situation to Snow, and she and Ruby drop everything to head over. Regina manages to pull Emma into the shade so that they can wait there. She has the dogs’ leashes in one hand and Emma sprawled across her lap as she sits on the sidewalk, propping Emma’s head up in the crook of her arm.

Emma’s skin has paled, and she doesn’t come to until about a minute after being in the shade. When her eyes finally flutter open, Regina’s heart stops. “Emma!”

Attempting to smile at Regina, Emma mutters, “Hey, sorry. I’m fine,” as she attempts to stand. Regina stops her, continuing to hold the blonde close.

“Woah, woah. Emma, you just passed out. I am _not_ allowing you to stand. Snow’s going to be here soon. Do you think you need to go to the hospital?”

Emma grips her arm, alarm in her eyes. “Regina, no. I don’t need to go to the hospital. If you really think it’s that bad, then I won’t work. I should just go home, but I don’t need to go to the hospital. Please.”

There’s something in her eyes that makes Regina worry more than the fact that Emma passed out on the sidewalk, but before she can say anything else to Emma, Ruby and Snow pull up. Ruby takes the dogs, and Snow helps carry Emma to the car. “Emma said she doesn’t need to go to the hospital, just home. Do you think we can manage that? She shouldn’t go back to work…”

Snow shakes her head, “No you’re absolutely right. I’m going by the shelter to drop off Louie and Heidi and grab yours and Emma’s things, and we’re going to drive you to Emma’s. You can help her out for tonight, right?” Regina nods.

“Absolutely.”

It takes them a while, but finally they pull up outside of Emma’s dorm. Emma is conscious enough to lead Regina to her room, so they take off after promising to call Mary Margaret _and_ Ruby if they need anything at all; Regina tries to reassure them, but nothing helps. She definitely understands their frantic fretting over the blonde.

The second they make it into Emma’s room, Emma launches herself at the bed with what little strength she has, and despite Regina’s concern, she chuckles, “You really love your bed. In this case you’re lucky it’s so close to the door.”

Emma scoffs, “It’s a one person dorm, Regina, _everything_ is close to the door.”

She hadn’t even noticed. Compared to her dorm room, Emma’s is much smaller, but it makes sense since it’s a single. And she has her own bathroom, apparently. “You have your own bathroom?” Regina asks as she goes to inspect. The bathroom is also tiny, as well as messy, but she has a toilet and a sink and a bathtub, so really the size doesn’t matter much. Regina is sharing a hall style bathroom with at least fifteen other girls, and they only have showers, in stalls no less.

“You would care about that wouldn’t you?” Emma laughs softly.

Regina expresses mock offense, and asks, half serious and half in jest, “What do you mean?” She knows Emma was joking, but since everyone always calls her mother and her sister vain; she can’t help but worry.

Emma hums out a laugh like she isn’t sure of the answer and rolls over into her pillow, her voice nearly inaudible. “I just mean you’re beautiful.” She peeks up at Regina who pretends she didn’t hear her, but also can’t help but smile at Emma’s confession, which she definitely did hear.

“I’m going to get you some water. You might be dehydrated.” But when Regina makes it back from the dorm’s vending machine, Emma is nearly asleep. “Emma, no, not yet. Drink some water.” She opens the bottle for her, holding it to Emma’s lips as she props herself up to drink. She manages to finish half the bottle before falling backwards, looking up at Regina.

“Thank you for helping me.”

“Like I told you. If you need anything, at all, ever, I’m here for you.” Emma’s eyes widen for a moment, and the sad vulnerability in her eyes makes Regina’s heart break. Emma opens her mouth as if she’s going to say something, but then closes it and looks away. Regina offers her a small smile, “You okay?” Emma nods, eyes on the wall beside her.

“Are you going to stay here with me?”

Regina is thrown. She’s more than happy to stay with Emma if the blonde really wanted that, but she hadn’t suspected that she would even ask. “Would you like me to stay with you?”

“You don’t have to.”

“Emma, that isn’t what I asked you.”

Emma worries her bottom lip for a minute before finally looking at Regina. “I think I’d like that.”

“Then I’ll stay.” She smiles down at Emma, who grins back before moving to get up.

“Oh yeah. Hey, Regina? I have some pajamas if you want. In the bottom drawer of the dresser. And then you can change in the bathroom if you want to while I change out here. Is that okay?”

Regina chuckles. “Pick some out for me.”

“What?”

“Pick some pajamas out for me. I don’t want to pick.”

Emma snorts at her. “You’re silly,” but she goes over to the dresser and rummages through for a second before pulling out two pairs of pajama pants. “I only have two. Do you want the shorts or the long pants?” Regina raises her eyebrows at Emma, tilting her head down, giving her that look that says ‘what did I say.’ “Right, you don’t wanna pick. Well I would feel better in the long pants, so are shorts fine? And here’s a t-shirt.”

Regina takes the pajamas Emma hands to her, flashing her a smile before going into the bathroom to change. Emma is already nuzzled under the covers when she walks out, but she scooches over to the wall, leaving Regina just enough space on the tiny bed. Her voice comes out in almost a whisper. “Sorry my bed is so small. I can sleep on the floor.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. This is fine.” Regina sits on the bed next to her. “Do you need anything else before I turn the lights out?”

Emma smiles happily, already dozing off. “I’m fine, Regina.” She lets out a yawn before tugging lazily on Regina’s arm. “Sleep.” She looks so peaceful. So adorable. So perfect.

And suddenly Regina is so full of emotion that she feels like she’s going to spill over. As Emma drifts to sleep in front of her, she brushes some of her blonde curls away from her face, and it takes every ounce of strength she has not to lean down and kiss her forehead or her cheek or anything. Regina knows it hasn’t been that long since they met, but she can’t help her feelings, and maybe she doesn’t understand them all and maybe some of them are completely strange and new, but if anything is certain, it’s that Regina wants nothing more than to fight for Emma. Emma deserves to be happy and healthy. Emma deserves the best.

And damn it all if Regina isn’t going to give it to her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNINGS: self harm and non con**

When Emma wakes up the next morning, she’s pressed into the wall, and she remembers the hard way that she’s sharing the bed with Regina when she nearly rolls on top of her. Luckily, the brunette doesn’t wake up, and she responds in her sleep by wrapping an arm around Emma’s middle and nuzzling into her neck. Out of habit, Emma flinches, but otherwise lies still, afraid to move.

She thinks it’ll be fine, lying there like a vampire, until Regina wakes up, but it gets problematic when Regina makes a throaty sigh against Emma’s neck as she tangles their legs together, and Emma counts her blessings that her cuts are on the outside of her right thigh, opposite from Regina. They’re not as recent as they could be, but they’re still healing from a few days ago. Twenty-five, for eating a couple of the cookies Ruby had hidden in the office. It was stupid, but she really needed her stomach to stop growling.

And speaking of which…

But feeling Regina at her side, her whole body flush against her, Emma thinks is a welcome distraction, and she considers that actively cuddling the brunette won’t be so bad, and if it goes poorly, she can feign sleeping. So she starts to turn away from Regina, where they would be spooning, but winces as her pants leg rubs harshly against her cuts. So she turns the other way, facing Regina. It’ll be fine. She has on long pants anyways.

Carefully, she slides her arm under Regina’s pillow as she lets her other arm rest so that her palm is gently planted on Regina’s waist. It’s awkward for a moment until Regina pulls herself closer to Emma, one hand tucking itself under Emma’s neck. The sudden movement sends Emma to a panic, and she shuts her eyes, thinking Regina’s awake.

When she hears another sign and a surprised movement backwards, she’s glad she closed her eyes, but feels too self conscious about having started cuddling Regina that she’s sure she’s going to die of embarrassment.

Emma’s not blind. She sees the way Regina looks at her, and she’s watched her dark eyes check Emma out on occasion, but there’s something about this whole thing that has her doubting. It wouldn’t be the first time Emma thought someone was gay who was actually wildly straight.

She’s convinced that Regina is about to move away and leave, so her eyes flash open in surprise when she feels a soft hand against her face, her name spoken ever so softly, “Emma?” Regina’s face is only a few inches from hers, and her smile visibly grows when she sees that Emma’s awake. “Sorry to wake you.”

“It’s okay,” she says, thinking she sounds too awake until her voice comes out rough and she clears it, looking away. “Uh, did you sleep okay?” As Regina nods, Emma registers that her hand is still resting across her face, and she isn’t sure what it means, but when Regina’s thumb brushes softly on Emma’s jaw line, she looks back to Regina, whose eyes are closed. Emma’s hand shifts on her waist and Regina’s eyes open again. They’re dark, but Emma tries not to think about that. She closes her eyes, pushing her face into her pillow.

Regina mistakes her avoidance as an attempt to go back to sleep. So she giggles and sits up to tickle Emma, “No, we have to get up.” Emma wishes she weren’t so ticklish because suddenly she’s flailing and squealing and squirming and screaming, the whole nine yards, totally out of control, and based on the way Regina continues to giggle while tickling her relentlessly, it seems she’s enjoying herself.

Emma loses herself in the moment, laughing freely for the first time in what feels like forever. She’s missed this. Joy, friendship, being carefree. Nothing seems wrong until Regina straddles her for a better angle of attack, which isn’t the problem. No, Regina straddling Emma in her bed is far from problematic. But when Regina’s leg presses into Emma’s pushing against her recent wounds, she can’t control the way she hisses both in pain and shock. Regina stops immediately.

“Emma?” And she doesn’t answer. She just scrambles her way out from under Regina, trying not to react to the way her leg brushes against the brunette again on her way out of the bed. Once she’s standing, she faces a stunned Regina, who looks guilty and concerned and Emma feels so bad, realizing that she must think it had something to do with the close contact, something she did.

But she isn’t sure what to say. “It’s not… Regina, I…” Emma shakes her head, making an attempt to start over. “Sorry,” she eventually blurts before dashing to the bathroom and turning on the shower, hoping to clear her head. She pulls her pants down to look at the cuts hidden under them. They’re still new enough that she should have bandaged them, just as an extra precaution, especially because Regina stayed over. She’ll have to make note if it happens again.

As usual, she ignores the rest of her body as she strips and climbs in the shower, letting the water run down her form as she stands so that the water doesn’t hit her cuts the wrong way. Could Regina have picked up on that? It wasn’t just that Emma had run away, it was that she had expressed pain. But maybe it was subtle enough that she could pass it off as something else. But what? There’s not a clear way out of this, and the thought that Regina could think it was something she did just feels worse to Emma.

But she can’t know the truth.

She knows what happens when she opens up about it, and she doesn’t want to ruin her friendship with Regina, make Regina uncomfortable, or worse, realize that Regina is untrustworthy, that she’s something she isn’t.

Sometimes when you open up to someone you trust, they let you down, no matter what you’ve been through or what you feel. No matter what promises are made. Lily taught her that.

* * *

 

_She was sixteen, and after the school year had ended, she had been sent from one family back to a new group home in a new city. She did what she normally did, avoid everyone. Group homes weren’t the place to make friends, usually, but when a goofy grinned brunette slid next to Emma, leaned up against the wall face buried in her sketchbook, and offered to share her pop tarts with her, Emma decided that maybe she could make an exception._

_It didn’t take long for Lily to become her best friend, forming a special place in her heart. They did everything together._

_One night, under a makeshift blanket fort they had made in their shared room, Lily pulled Emma close, whispered in her ear, “You can trust me, Emma.”_

_Emma had shivered at the feeling of Lily’s breath on her ear, and she had no doubt that Lily was being honest when she felt their lips being pressed together._

_The kiss had only lasted for a moment, but it left Emma feeling dizzy. She blinked at Lily through the faint light of the nightlight. “How did you know?” She had never opened up to anyone about her interest in girls, not until now anyway._

_“C’mon Emma, you always say you have a crush on the same guy every time I want to talk about boys, and he’s not even a real person.” Emma blushed furiously, trying to argue her case before Lily put a finger to her lips, effectively silencing her. “It’s okay, Emma. I won’t make you talk about boys anymore. We can talk girls now,” she said with a wink._

_“Wait, do you--”_

_“I’m not gay, but I have tendencies.” She huffed out a laugh “Girls are hot, you know?” And Emma did know._  

_It became a regular thing for them, experimenting with each other, making sure they would know what to do when the time came for a real relationship. It was stressful for Emma, as she worried about her body the entire time, more specifically the scars she kept hidden under her clothes, many of which had fortunately faded enough to be hidden in the darkness. The cutting had been less frequent since everything with Lily started, but it hadn’t ceased entirely._

_It was hard enough to hide her self harm habits at all, sharing a room and all that, but it wasn’t new to her, and she managed well enough. But having someone so close to her body in a more intimate way made the entire thing more challenging in ways she never expected._

_She’d been more careful about where the cuts were, thinking of places that Lily’s eyes wouldn’t touch. Since their pants rarely came off, Emma kept the cuts to her leg, only not on her thighs, but the area just above her knee, a less likely part to be noticed. It had its drawbacks. She couldn’t wear shorts, but it was a small price to pay for being able to hide._

_One night, Lily hovered over Emma, “There’s something we should try. Rachel was telling me about it last week, and she says it’s really fun.”_

_“Okay,” Emma said, shifting nervously beneath her. New things could go wrong, she was more than aware, even though more often than not, they were fine. “What is it?”_

_“So the person on the bottom will lift their leg up, and the person on top will like… ride it.” She must have misread Emma’s horrified face as she was quick to defend the idea, “I know, I know, it sounds really vulgar, but it’ll feel good, I promise.”_

_“Um…” Emma started, openly acknowledging their current positioning._

_“If it’s okay with you, I was thinking that I could go first, since I know what to do. Since Rachel told me about it.”_

_“I mean, technically_ you _just told_ me _about it, so…”_

_“Emma, no. That’s different. I’m going to go first.”_

_“How is it any different?” In her panic, Emma tried to fight it. At this point, she wasn’t even interested in trying it at all, but they made a pact to try these kinds of things together, and Emma wasn’t about to let Lily down. Maybe if she could be first, she could bide more time before she had to worry about Lily grinding on the place where she had thirty fresh cuts. They weren’t deep, but they were new. Last night new._

_Lily was obviously frustrated with her. “Does it matter how it’s different? It just is, okay? Now let me go first.” Emma opened her mouth to try something else, but Lily cut her off. “You always let me do what I want, what’s the problem?” The harshness in her voice had Emma shrinking into submission, but she tried again, opening her mouth and closing it a few times before she was able to say anything. “Emma, come on, spit it out.”_

_“It’s just… what if I don’t want to?”_

_“You always want to.”_

_“But…”_

_“Emma, you promised.” Emma looked away, eyes wide in a feared panic that Lily mistook for nervousness. “We’re in this together. Remember? You can trust me.” Her voice sounded soft in the way that can only be forced, but Emma let herself believe it anyway._

_“Lily, I don’t know…”_

_“I said you can trust me, Emma. We’re doing this. Lift your leg up.”_

_Tentatively, Emma did as she asked, opting for her left leg, hoping it would be okay. But Lily just huffed at her, pushing her leg down by the knee and lifting her right leg up instead. “Does it really matter?” Emma asked, trying to bring her leg back down_

_Lily rolled her eyes. “I’d rather it be your right leg. It’s just what I’m… it’s what Rachel said was best. Stop talking back.”_

_“You’re sure you’ve never done this before?”_

_“Emma, please. I told you already. You can trust me. You wanted this, remember?” But as Lily cupped the back of her knee, jerking her leg back up, Emma wasn’t sure she really did. But she’d promised Lily._

_“Lily…”_

_“Shut up. A promise is a promise.”_

_Her infallible teenage logic silenced Emma, and she gave in once and for all, hoping this would be quick and painless. But unfortunately it was only one of those things._

_The moment Lily lowered herself to grind against Emma’s leg, it was all she could do not to wince, there was no contact with the cuts yet, but her nerves were frantic. She didn’t want Lily to notice her reaction so she tried to bring their faces together, in the hopes that this could take place with their lips meeting and their eyes closed, but Lily scowled. “Emma, stop it, I’m calling the shots.”_

_“But--”_

_“Don’t argue with me,” Lily growled. “Take your shirt off.”_

_“Lily…”_

_“Take it off.” She stopped moving against Emma long enough to pull her shirt off, revealing Emma’s bare chest. There was enough light in the room that she was apprehensive. Some scars on her arms would be visible, and she tried to cover herself, but Lily growled again, pulling Emma’s hands above her head and holding them there. “Don’t move.”_

_Emma whimpered when Lily slid further down, moving against Emma’s leg, too close to the cuts, and for a moment Emma wondered if she would ask her to take her pants off, but the thought quickly left her mind when Lily’s body moved lower. The second that her body raked across the place of Emma’s wounds was the same second that she bit down hard on one of Emma’s nipples, and she cried out, grateful that she could pass off her pained noise on the bite and not her leg._

_Lily grew more aggressive at Emma’s noises of displeasure, misreading those as she had everything else, and more than anything, Emma wanted to ask her to stop, but she knew that was out of the question. A promise is a promise, after all._

_But the more aggressive she became, the more pain Emma felt, and it wasn’t long before she was lying beneath Lily, unknowingly grinding against Emma’s fresh wounds, biting her lip to stop from screaming out, to stop from telling Lily to get off of her. She tasted blood and she felt tears streaming down her face, and she closed her eyes, fearing Lily’s reaction. But she could trust her. She promised._

_A sob escaped Emma’s lips and her eyes flew open as Lily abruptly stopped. “The fuck is your problem?”_

_But Emma couldn’t speak. With a huff, Lily climbed off of Emma, giving her space, but looking more inconvenienced than anything. Emma brought her leg back down, and as she did, she realized how damp it felt. At first she assumed it was from Lily, but she glanced down at her leg and saw darkness seeping through her jeans. The friction had made her cuts start bleeding again._

_Her eyes shot back up to Lily, hoping that maybe she hadn’t noticed or wouldn’t notice, but when she saw Lily’s eyes widen at the sight of blood on Emma’s leg, she knew she was screwed. “What the fuck…” Lily muttered, her eyes shifting to her crotch, which, to Emma’s horror, also contained some blood stains. She glared at Emma accusatorily. “My period just ended last week, Emma. What the fuck is going on?”_

_And Emma was at a loss for words. She’d never opened up to anyone about the self harm, and this was why. But Lily said she could trust her. She promised._

_“Lily,” Emma started, sitting up. She tried to stop her tears but they weren’t going anywhere. She wished more than anything that she still had her shirt on. “I can explain…”_

_“You better.” Lily’s voice came out like ice._

_“I can trust you, right?”_

_“I told you you could. Cut the shit, Emma. What’s going on?”_

_And so Emma slowly unbuttoned her pants and slid them off, first revealing the dark scars across her thighs, and then eventually the bloody cuts above her knee. For a moment Lily just stared, unresponsive, waiting for Emma to explain. When Emma couldn’t find the words, Lily spoke again._

_“Did you do that to yourself?”_

_Emma nodded, supplied with false hope that Lily might understand. “Usually it’s because of, um, food? Like it’s punishment when I eat the wrong things. So I’ll learn. And I can like my body. It’s uh.. It’s like a system I guess, but--”_

_Lily threw up a hand to silence her, clearly not wanting to hear what Emma had to say. Her eyes grazed Emma’s body, lingering on all the places she could see scars at. “You did that to yourself,” Lily deadpanned._

_“Yeah, I know, I probably need help, but--”_

_“There’s nothing that can help you,” Lily scoffed. “You’re a freak, Emma. Who would do that? You’re pathetic.”_

_Emma didn’t realize she had stopped crying until she felt new tears rolling. “I thought I could trust you.”_

_Lily gaped at Emma in disgust, “Obviously I was wrong, about that and about you.” She pulled away. “This is over, Emma.”_

_“Lily, please. Please, don’t do this to me. I kept your promise. I did everything you wanted.”_

_“Rachel was better anyways.” And everything suddenly hit Emma like a wrecking ball. She had been used. Lily never wanted her, she just wanted what Emma had to offer. All her promises were empty, and now she had no one. “As long as you never talk to me again, I’ll never bring up your sick fetish to anyone.” Emma opened her mouth to defend herself, but Lily made a noise of repulsion. “Starting now.” And she left, leaving Emma naked, crying into her pillows, alone._

_Lily slept in another room that night, which meant Emma didn't need to hide in the bathroom with her blades. She just say on the bed and cut up her leg. For the first time in a while, her cuts weren't based on food, but she counted out of habit anyway, and for every number, she thought of one memory tainted by Lily's betrayal. She started where her cuts stopped the last time, inches above her knee, moving up her thigh in lines, some of them went deeper than she was used to, but it didn't matter._

_As long as her tears ran, as long as her blood trickled from her leg, as long as she hated herself for being stupid enough to trust someone so evidently using her, she was going to keep cutting._

_A sob racked her body, and her hand twitched, sending the blade further into her leg than she was prepared for. She couldn't stop from crying out, but of course, no one came to check on her. She slid the blade back into the empty pill bottle, tossing it back into her bag. She didn't bother cleaning it up. She didn't bother taking care of her wounds as she usually did. What was the point?_

_She rolled over, crying herself to sleep._

_She awoke with a start, someone yelling in the room, and she quickly sat up, making sure her leg was covered to hide the evidence of her problem. When she gripped the blankets, she felt the wetness, and pulled her hand back only to see it come back red._

_Looking up to the source of the noise, she saw the caregiver of the group home staring at her perturbed, Lily behind her, arms crossed. “Emma, you’ve destroyed the blankets!” The caregiver cried._

_“It’s disgusting,” Lily muttered behind her, not saying anything else, and Emma wasn’t sure if she felt relieved that Lily wasn’t exposing her secret or humiliated that Lily wasn’t even going to bother understanding it._

_In the end, it didn’t matter. She was in trouble, forced to stay home the next day, trying to scrub the blood out of the sheets. She was unsuccessful, but it took up the remainder of the time she spent in that group home before she was sent away to another._

_From there on out, she was extra careful, cleaning everything, not going to sleep until her cuts had stopped bleeding and were thoroughly bandaged. She didn’t let any circumstances come up where anyone could so much as guess she had any wounds. It was clear that she couldn’t trust anyone, and she couldn’t ask for help, not that she wanted it._

_Maybe one day, if she needed it, she could find someone who would want to help her. Maybe one day. But after what happened with Lily, she doubted that day would ever come._

* * *

 

Emma finishes up in the shower, shuddering at the memory. She can’t let the same thing happen with Regina. She thinks it’s impossible, given how sweet and caring Regina has been, but then again, she thought the same about Lily.

She spends the remainder of her time panicking, trying to think up an excuse for Regina. “I have a sunburn” might work, but then Emma remembers that it’s December. She could say one of the dogs scratched her? She’d feel bad putting the blame on her furry friends, but it seems like the best way out. Unless she says it’s a bruise? Regina knows she’s clumsy, and that way she would only have herself to blame.

Sighing to herself, she shuts the water off, deciding that she can use the bruise cover story, explaining her reaction and also reassuring Regina that she hadn’t done anything wrong.

She dries off, avoiding looking towards the mirror, and turning towards the place she usually sets her clothes before realizing they aren’t there. With a groan, she wraps the towel tightly around her before poking her head out the door, nervous about the potential exposure.

“Regina?” When there’s no answer or sight of the brunette, Emma steps from the bathroom into her tiny room, looking around. “Regina?” she asks again, just in case, even though she’s clearly not in the room. Emma’s about to grab some clothes and dash back into the bathroom just in case she stepped out for a moment before her eyes land on a loose paper on the bed.

She creeps over to it, picking it up to read: _Emma, Sorry I left. I figured you could use some space. I hope you’re not upset with me, and I hope you’re feeling better. Text me if you need anything. I’ll see you later. -Regina_

Emma sits on the bed, still towel clad, grinning at the note. How is Regina so sweet? She hopes that never changes. Maybe it’s all fine.

She pulls out her phone, sending a quick message to her.

[Emma] _:)_

Short, sweet, and to the point. She’s not even embarrassed about how silly a smiley face text might look. She’s about to get up when her phone starts buzzing. It’s Mary Margaret.

“Hello?”

“Emma, hey! How are you feeling? Hopefully better after yesterday.”

Emma smiles into the phone. Mary Margaret’s always so concerned, but she’s not going to complain. “Yeah, I’m okay. Sorry about all that, I don’t know what happened…” Even though she does.

“Good, I’m so glad. Listen, I was thinking you should take the day off. Get some rest. I don’t want you to get over worked after yesterday.”

“But don’t you need me? Who’s going to get everything done?

“Emma don’t be silly. Regina can handle it on her own by now.”

 _Regina_. “Regina’s working today?”

“Yes…”

“I’ll be there.” She said it too forcefully, but maybe Mary Margaret won’t even notice.

“Well, well. Someone sounds excited to see a certain coworker of hers…” Emma rolls her eyes. “Did she stay with you last night?” Emma blushes, not sure how to answer truthfully and avoid any awkward follow up conversations. Her silence fails her on all counts. “Oooh, Emma Swan. I’m astonished.”

“Really, Mary Margaret? She was just looking after me.”

“Mhmm…” And Emma can hear her suppressed giggles.

“Anyway, I’m coming into work today, and there’s nothing you can say that’s going to stop me.”

“What if I told you that Regina called out?” At that, Emma hangs up. _Unbelievable_.

She glances at her phone, noting she has a new text message, and her heart skips a beat once when she sees it, and again when she sees it’s from Regina.

[Regina] _Are you feeling better?_

[Emma] _i am :) thanks for taking care of me last night_

[Emma] _sorry about running out on you this morning_

[Regina] _I’m the one who left, you know_

[Regina] _I was worried about you, but I thought you could use some time alone. You know I’m here for you, so if you need anything, just ask :)_

Emma reads the message several times over, wanting to believe her, but her mind keeps flashing back to Lily, and how she trusted her with all she had, and was betrayed so thoroughly. Regina’s different. She can’t possibly be like Lily.

[Regina] _Snow thinks you should take the day off_

[Emma] _yeah, i already told her no. i want to come in_

[Regina] _Lol, miss me already?_

[Emma] _oh, like you don’t miss me just as much_

Emma tosses her phone to the side so she can get ready for work, and she checks it before heading out, trying not to think about not having a response from Regina. She’ll see her soon anyways. She walks in through the back, avoiding any unnecessary commentary from Snow, and sneaks into the playroom to the side, so all the excited dogs won’t jump on her right leg. In case Regina’s already in there, she doesn’t need to look any more suspicious.

Once the pups have calmed down, Emma turns her attention to the equally as excited person walking toward her. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Regina responds, grinning at her. “I’m still worried about you, but I’m glad you’re here.”

Emma blinks at her, “You are?”

“Of course.”

And with smiles on their faces, they both start working, starting with cleaning the kennels. When Emma, being her clumsy self bumps into a crate on her bad side and grunts at the contact, she glances up at Regina to make sure she hadn’t noticed, but just as quickly averts her gaze when she catches Regina’s eyes on her. She turns to walk away when Regina reaches out for her. “Emma? Are you okay?”

She avoids eye contact, but doesn’t attempt to pull her arm away, This doesn’t have to look suspicious. “Why, does something seem wrong?”

“I’m not sure... You tell me.”

Emma chances looking at the brunette, surprised at the amount of alarm behind her eyes. She puts on her most convincing everything-is-alright face and shrugs. “Everything’s fine, Regina. Don’t you think so?”

Regina’s brow creases and she looks away. Emma can’t tell if she believes her or not. “Okay,” she says, really softly, turning to resume cleaning. “If you say so, I’m not going to push you. But you know…”

“Yeah I know. You’re here if I need anything.” Regina nods, looking serious. “Thanks. But I’m fine, really. Are you okay? You’re fine too right?” For a moment their eyes are locked in an awkward silence until finally Regina answers.

“I’m fine.”

“Great. Because, uh, I’m also here if you need anything. Seriously.” This time, Regina is the one avoiding Emma’s gaze, and it makes Emma nervous. “We’re both fine, and I think that’s really nice. It’s great. I’m really happy that you’re okay. I really am. And me too.” Her mouth won’t stop, and the longer it goes on, the more suspicious she feels.

Finally, Regina looks back up at her, “Emma, are you sure you’re okay?” And it’s clear that she doesn’t find any of it funny. That shuts Emma up.

“Yeah, sorry. So, I was thinking, maybe we should divide up the tasks. We can get everything done faster if we split up.” Her favorite thing lately has been Regina’s company, but she really can’t risk saying anything else. So she’s just going to avoid Regina for a little bit, give her some time to forget anything weird ever happened.

“Sure, we can do that, if you want to.”

“Sure, yeah, I’ll start the walks.”

“Emma, no. You’re not doing walks after yesterday. You can stay here and clean, I’ll do the walks.”

Emma reluctantly agrees, staying behind. She thinks it’s a fair trade, even if the walks are her favorite part, because Regina walking through the door with windblown hair and a bright pink nose is quickly becoming one of her new favorite things.

Most of the shift passes with little words spoken between the two, because all Emma can think is that she’s going to give herself away if she talks too much. Every time Regina looks at her, Emma is convinced she’s about to call her out on her shit and figure everything out, the look on her face resembling some kind of internal debate, but over what, Emma isn’t sure, and she doesn’t ask.

When they close up, Emma is about to shuffle off with a quick goodbye, but Regina calls out to her down the hallway. “Hey, Emma?”

“Yeah?” The conflict is back on Regina’s face, somehow even more than it was before. She’s wringing her hands together, and Emma forgets that she was ever worried about her own issues being discovered. She steps toward Regina, suddenly more concerned about whatever distress she’s dealing with. “What’s wrong?” She asks nervously.

Regina doesn’t look at her, so Emma walks closer until she can grab one of her hands as an act of comfort. When she does, Regina’s eye shift to their hands to Emma’s eyes to the ground again. “Nothing’s wrong…”

“But--”

“I’m just nervous.” Emma blinks at her, not knowing what to expect. She opens her mouth to speak, but Regina beats her to it, returning her eye contact again, “Would you like to have dinner with me?”

And it’s not what Emma had been expecting. She isn’t sure what to say. The first thought she has is that it sounds like Regina is asking her out. Is Regina asking her out? If she is, Emma definitely wants to say yes. But there’s a major problem, which is that Emma’s trying to avoid looking any more suspicious than she already has today, and for sure, if she goes to dinner and doesn’t eat, she’ll look suspicious. But at the same time, she doesn’t want to eat because she knows what it’ll mean for her. Maybe she can make an exception. Maybe she can eat a little bit and not suffer the consequences for it later. She could get something healthy. Regina would be worth it. Going out with Regina would be worth it. But what does it mean? _Would you like to have dinner with me?_ That sounds like a date. Is it a date?

“Do you mean like…” Emma stops, not finding the courage to say the word out loud, just in case that isn’t what Regina meant.

For a moment, Regina just blinks at her, not understanding what Emma’s getting at, and she’s about to clarify when suddenly Regina blurts out “as friends,” even though the blush spreading across her face suggests anything but.

“Friends, right.” Emma wrestles more with the idea, torn between hiding her problems and giving in to Regina, even if it just means friendship.

“I was thinking, we could go to that restaurant. The place overlooking the beach. And maybe we could go for a walk. If you want.” It’s all Emma can do not to snort. That sounds like a date if she’s ever heard one. But she holds back her laughter, looking away so her smile doesn’t betray her. “It’s just really pretty, and I don’t know if you’ve been down to the beach at night, and I think you would like it, and maybe it could be inspiring for your art, and I like spending time with you,” she finishes in a nearly inaudible whisper. She’s blushing and smiling and rambling and Emma thinks it’s just the cutest thing.

“I’d love to,” she answers, momentarily forgetting about any and all issues she has.

The excited squeal that leaves Regina’s mouth is worth it, and so is the way she covers her mouth, surprised that such a noise left her body. Emma grins back at her, squeezing Regina’s hand, still in hers. “I’ll pick you up at seven?” Emma almost laughs again at how much it still sounds like a date. _Friends_. _Yeah, okay. We’ll see_.

“I’ll see you at seven,” she says before turning to walk back down the hallway, trying not to skip her way out the door.

At home, Emma is immediately freaking out. Regina might have said this was an “as friends” type deal, but Emma isn’t stupid. Everything about this dinner, the way Regina asked, the way she’s picking her up, the restaurant choice, the nighttime walk on the beach, all of it seems exactly like a date. And Emma wants to dress to impress. But what is Regina going to wear? What if she’s overdressed? She could dress more casual, but what if she’s underdressed?

She tries on at least ten different outfits before she settles on a casual dress, some tights, and her favorite boots to match. It’s an outfit probably more suitable for autumn, so she throws a sweater over it. Nice, but also casual. She fixes up her hair, and puts on more makeup than Regina’s probably ever seen her in, but she has to look good for this non-date of theirs.

She paces around her dorm for the remaining ten minutes after brushing her teeth, anxiously awaiting Regina’s arrival. Her heart stops beating when she hears a knock at the door, and she stops breathing when she opens it. Regina looks stunning. Little black dress, fancy black boots, and a fancy black coat. Perfect hair, perfect makeup, perfect everything.

Emma opens her mouth to say “hi,” but nothing comes out so she closes it again to swallow and try again, but on the second attempt, she doesn’t say “hi,” she says “wow” instead, and her face turns impossibly red, but Regina giggles, and Emma finds the courage to look back up.

Regina tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and says what Emma meant to, “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“You look great, Emma.” Regina says, looking away. Emma smiles at how shy she suddenly is. _Friends. Sure_. She wonders if Regina really believes that. She knows she doesn’t.

“You do too.”

Regina smiles up at her, sporting an adorable blush. “Ready?”

Emma nods, heart suddenly pounding, nervous and excited, and all she can do is smile at Regina and walk with her out the door, hopefully prepared for everything tonight has to offer.


	6. Chapter 6

The walk out of Emma’s dorm is silent, and it would make Regina nervous but she’s pretty sure she’s maxed out on anxiety for the night.

When she open the door to the building for Emma, it feels normal. It’s something she does every day for everyone all over campus, and it’s not until she opens her car door for Emma that she thinks something is up.  _ This isn’t a date, you don’t have to do that, _ she tells herself, but it’s no use. She runs around in time to get Emma’s door when they get to the restaurant as well, and it’s impossible to miss the quizzical looks Emma shoots her each time.  _ Great, I’m probably going to scare her off. _

The car ride to the restaurant was also quiet. Emma shifted a few times in her seat, but Regina found herself frozen, hands gripping the steering wheel like she was sixteen again in driver’s ed, and every time she caught herself tensing up or holding her breath, she would attempt to relax. Relief never lasted long.

So, they arrive at the restaurant, and Regina is grateful that Emma doesn’t move to get out immediately, giving her enough time to shut the car off and get out. She dashes to Emma’s door, opening it to be greeted by a shocked Emma, sill in the car. Regina smiles down at her but quickly looks away. 

When they get to the front of the restaurant, Emma goes for the door, and Regina almost swears she’s trying to beat her to it, but she fails. She laughs as Regina holds the door for her once more. “After you.”

“Are you always this adamant about holding the door open?”

Regina just smirks, not answering. She’s not sure what’s gotten into her, but she’s definitely acting like she would if this were a date, which it isn’t. Asking Emma on a date? Ridiculous. As long as Emma thinks this is a friends outing, which Regina is  _ sure _ she does, the safer the whole thing is. Because they’re just friends. This isn’t a date.

When Regina gives the host her name and he turns to walk them to their table immediately, Emma looks too Regina, stunned. “You made reservations.”

Regina just shrugged. “It gets busy sometimes.”

“Ah, okay.” Emma smirks, following the host to the table, which is on the balcony overlooking the beach. Regina had requested it, but what Emma doesn’t know won’t hurt her. 

Emma walks ahead of her, but Regina makes a point to beat her there in order to hold the chair out, suddenly wishing she hadn’t done it. She steps over to her own chair as Emma watches her cautiously. Regina’s about to wonder what she’s thinking when she opens her mouth and closes it before starting again. “Is this…” Emma starts to ask, but she trails off with a shake of her head.

“What?” 

“Nevermind.” Emma looks down, hiding her face behind blonde curls, and Regina reaches a new level of panic. It’s obvious what Emma was going to ask. She was going to ask if it was a date.  _ Does she think it’s a date? Does she want it to be a date? Does she think a date would be horrible? Does she want to leave? What should I do? _

“Emma, I…”  _ Oh god, where am I going with this? _ “I’m happy that you came out with me. Uh, as friends. I mean, I’m glad you’re my friend.”  _ Okay that could have been worse _ . “I’ve been thinking about this all day.” If Emma wasn’t smiling at her, she probably would have scaled off the balcony and run off.  _ Is this that gay panic I always hear about? _ But as it happens, Emma is blushing and grinning at her and brushing her hair behind her ear.

“Me too, actually.”

“Really?” Regina breathes out, one of her questions echoing through her mind.  _ Does she want this to be a date? _

“Yeah.” Emma looks around for a moment before continuing. “This place is beautiful. I’m glad we get to sit out here.”

“You like it?”

“Of course. I loved when I was with a family growing up that lived near the beach or went on trips to the beach. It’s probably one of my favorite places. Also one of the things I factored in when moving here for school.” Regina smiles as she watches Emma tell her story. 

“But you’ve never been here?”

Emma blushes again. “Uh, I’ve never really had reason to. I mean, this place is fancy. I go out with Ruby and Mary Margaret sometimes, but not here.”

“Why not?” And Regina thinks she knows the answer but that didn’t stop her question. 

The pink tint on Emma’s cheeks darkens significantly as she struggles to formulate her answer, glancing at their surroundings. “Well, uh, this place seems like...not the kinda place you come to with a group of friends.”

“What about…  _ two _ friends?” Regina is sure she’s lost total control of what leaves her mouth. It’s gone okay so far though, so maybe it won’t get worse.

Emma snorts, “Honestly… not really.”

“Oh.”

The blonde’s face falls, “Not that I don’t like it. It’s a great idea, Regina, it really is, but uh, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but everyone here is really coupled up.” Regina opens her mouth to respond, but Emma cuts her off frantically. “Not that it’s bad. I mean…” Emma’s eyes are darting left and right, mouth hanging open in indecision, and Regina holds her breath, imagining all the things that mouth could say. “If this were… Uh, it wouldn’t bother me if you… Nevermind, sorry. I don’t know what I’m talking about.”

But Regina thinks she does.

“Anyway, we should look at these,” Emma says, grabbing the menu and opening it, looking away from Regina, who is grateful because she’s sure her face is redder than Emma’s is, which is certainly saying something, considering the amount of blood rushing to Emma’s face makes her think of that elevator scene from The Shining, only far less creepy and much more adorable.

She opens the menu in front of her, but doesn’t look at it, choosing instead to watch Emma skim the menu. She flips too quickly between each page before doing the same thing backwards. She does it once through again before looking up, surprised to see Regina looking at her. “Uh,” she starts before opening the menu again and says nothing else. Part of Regina wants to smile at Emma being silly, but she wonders if Emma’s being silly or if something else is going on.

“See anything you like?” Emma asks her, eyes still on the menu, and Regina’s mouth goes dry.

“What?”

“On the menu,” Emma smirks, glancing up for a quick moment before looking back down.

“Oh. Right. I don’t know.” She looks over it, quickly narrowing down her options. “What about you?”

“What about me?”

“See anything you like?”

“Obviously,” Emma says, and Regina looks up just in time to see Emma glancing back down. “Uh, do you like sushi? I might get sushi.” Regina raises her brows at the blonde. “What? I can’t say no to sushi,” she mumbles. 

“I understand. I love sushi.”

“Really?” Emma blinks at her eyes wide. She looks amazed.

Regina snorts, “Definitely. I usually get a Philadelphia roll. It’s my favorite.”

“I don’t think I’ve had that one.”

“I’ll let you try a piece of mine if you’d like.” Emma smiles as she nods before looking down at the menu again, and Regina finds that her breath catches in her throat, but she shakes her head, glad when their server comes up for their drink order.

“Do you guys want to order now? Or do you need another minute?”

“Um…” Emma looks to Regina before looking at their server. “I think we’re ready?”

He looks to Regina, who smiles. “If you’re ready, Emma, I’m ready.” She smiles, nodding at Regina to go ahead. “I’ll have a Philadelphia roll and a tiger roll.”

“Uh, spicy tuna roll,” Emma says, handing the menus to their server as he finished writing their orders down. Regina glances at Emma, fidgeting with the table cloth until she’s suddenly looking up at Regina. “What?”

“You’re only getting one roll?”

Emma shifts nervously in her seat, and Regina almost feels guilty for asking, but she can’t help but worry.  _ Is that enough? _ “Yeah, I, uh, I get full really quickly,” she shrugs, avoiding Regina’s eyes. 

“Okay, well, if you’re still hungry after, let me know. You still have to try mine too, remember?” Regina smiles softly at Emma, waiting to catch her eye, but Emma only looks as far as the table before looking back down again.

“Yeah, I’m really excited to try it, especially if it’s your favorite.” And it’s then that Emma finally looks back up at her, and her breath does that thing again and it catches Regina so off guard that she clears her throat awkwardly.

“So, is spicy tuna your favorite?”

Emma shrugs, “I don’t know. I’ve always liked spicy things, so really anything spicy is my favorite, but I like to switch it up, I guess.” 

It falls silent again, and Regina watches Emma look out onto the beach. She’s surprised that silence between them is as comfortable as it is, and she hopes that Emma feels the same. She turns away from the beach to smile at Regina, and it’s so bright that Regina loses her train of thought. Something about Emma feeling the same way? And thought sends Regina’s mind to a halt. She doesn’t remember what the context was, but now all she can think is  _ I wonder if Emma has feelings for me too. _

_ Too _ .

As in, also, as in Regina has feelings for Emma.

But of course. Of course she has feelings for Emma. But then does that mean that this really is a date? Was that her intention? Does the “as friends” add on actually change the intention? She held open all those doors, she’s looked more at Emma tonight than anything else combined, they’re at a fancy restaurant, they’re planning to go on a nighttime walk down the beach, and she’s wearing a classic little black dress for fuck’s sake.

This is a date.

But what’s more, Regina wants it to be.

When their food arrives, Emma appears to be having issues with the chopsticks, which makes Regina giggle. She expects her to play it off, but the blonde surprises her by blatantly saying, “Sorry, I’m just nervous.”

“Don’t be,” Regina says, as she places a piece of her Philadelphia roll on Emma’s plate.

“Thanks,” Emma grins before gesturing to her plate, picking up a piece of hers. “Do you want to try one of mine?”

“No, you have less than me as it is, it’s only fair.”

“But you’ll miss out on trying it,” Emma tries.

Regina sighs, “I’ll try one of yours, but you’ll have to take another one of mine,” She smirks up at Emma, thinking the trade is more fair, but Emma looks conflicted and more than a little stressed.

“Uh, you don’t have to try it if you don’t want to.” Regina doesn’t know what to say, but she doesn’t have to worry about it long. “Maybe next time, we can pick sushi out together and just share.”

_ Next time _ . “I’d love that.”

“You would?” 

Regina nods, breaking out into a smile so wide that Emma blushes again, which is when it sinks in for Regina.  _ That was me. I did that _ . 

“Okay,” Emma says, grinning into her lap. “We should, uh, definitely do that. I’d really like for there to be a next time.” She looks back up at Regina, that beautiful smile still in place. “When we finish, did you still want to walk on the beach?”

Emma looks so hopeful, that another thing sinks in for Regina.  _ Maybe I actually have a chance _ . “Absolutely. Did you still want to?”

“I really do.” Regina can’t seem to stop smiling, and either Ema’s smile is contagious or Emma is. Either way, it’s embarrassing trying to eat sushi while your mouth is trying to do other things, but Emma doesn’t seem to mind, and also appears to be having the same struggle.

When their checks come, it isn’t two checks, but one, placed in the middle. Regina blushes, totally aware that their server and probably everyone around them thinks they’re on a date, which wouldn’t be a big deal if Regina hadn’t been so adamant with Emma about it being a  _ just friends _ type of deal.  _ What does Emma think? Is she uncomfortable with the implication? Is she okay with it? Should I just go ahead and pay? Is she going to insist on paying for her portion? _

While Regina panicked over what to do, Emma had picked up the check without her so much as noticing. So when Regina finally decides that the best course of action is to pay the check now like it’s a date but not mention the word  _ date _ to anyone, Emma has already paid the whole thing. Regina looks up at her surprised. 

Emma just shrugs, “You’ve gotten all the doors, I got the check. Seems fair, right? Thanks, by the way, you’re a great date.” Regina’s mouth goes dry. “I mean, friend, sorry.” But Emma doesn’t look sorry at all. In fact, it almost looks as if she’s challenging Regina to correct her. 

Instead, Regina says, “I’m ready for that walk whenever you are.”

* * *

 

When they get out to the beach, Emma runs out ahead of Regina, laughing the whole way, “Regina, c’mon! “You’re supposed to run when you get on a beach!”

“Says who?” Regina calls out.

“Says  _ me _ ! Hurry up!”

Regina surprises herself by actually running onto the beach, laughing the whole way to Emma, who reaches her arms out to grab Regina as she runs by in a kind-of-tackle that halts Regina mid-run, sending her backwards against Emma’s other arm but almost falling over. The two giggle together as they regain their balance, and Regina is surprised when Emma’s arms linger around her, and she remembers spending the night with the blonde and how much she enjoyed their close proximity, how much she’s enjoying it now.

Her eyes are on Emma as she wonders what she should be doing with her own arms, but before she can figure it out, Emma pulls hers back, blushing furiously. “Sorry.”

“It’s…” Regina starts, but she needs to clear her throat before she finishes. “It’s okay,” she whispers. And Emma grins at her before looking at the ground.

“Regina?”

When she says her name, her heart leaps in her chest. “Yes?”

“How are you going to walk down the beach in heels?”

“Uh…” Regina kicks herself for not thinking ahead, logistically. She had been so preoccupied with looking good that she hadn’t even thought about the beach-shoe compatibility. “I didn’t think about that,” she finds herself admitting. She facepalms mentally.

Emma laughs, “The beach walk was  _ your _ idea. So, if you weren’t thinking about that, what  _ were _ you thinking about?” And it sounds like Emma’s going for a certain answer, and that has Regina feeling even more nervous, but somehow more bold.

“I wanted to look good.” At that Emma raises her eyebrows. “I guess.”

“Well you succeeded.” Regina is the one to blush and look away this time, but she can feel Emma’s eyes on her, and the thought that Regina’s unexplored feelings might be reciprocated stirs up another thought in Regina

_ Maybe I should do something about it _ .

“I guess now you have something else you need to succeed at. Walking in those shoes.”

Regina shrugs, slipping her feet out of them. “I can just carry them.”

“Won’t your feet get cold? Or your stockings, they’ll get all sandy.” Regina shrugs again, only mildly surprised at her nonchalance.  _ There are more important things _ . “Do you…” Emma trails off as if suddenly nervous. It’s cute, and that makes Regina somehow more determined.

“What is it?” She asks, taking a step closer to Emma.

Emma shifts on her feet once before looking up to Regina. “Do you want me to carry them for you?”

Regina blinks in surprise. “It’s okay, they’re just shoes. But thank you.”

“Let me know if you change your mind. Or if your feet get too cold, then we can head back.”

“It’s not too bad. As long as I don’t get wet it shouldn’t be a problem.”

Emma makes a weird noise in her throat that becomes a cough. “Sorry, I uh, I got something in my throat.” Regina squints at her. “What? I’m serious.”

“Okay.”

“I mean it.”

“Okay,” Regina sing songs playfully.

“You’re unbelievable,” Emma laughs as they walk down the beach, elbows brushing every so often. They go a little ways in silence until Regina hears Emma’s teeth chattering. The sound goes as quickly as it came.

“Emma?” Regina stops, turning to face the blonde, who faces her as well, looking like she’s doing everything in her power to stop her body from shaking. “Are you cold?” And she shakes her head too fast, but Regina doesn’t have to call her out because the next thing she knows, the wind is blowing and Emma shivers. “Here.” Regina pulls off her coat and drapes it around Emma’s shoulders.

The blonde shakes her head, “But now you’ll get cold.”

Regina contemplates for a moment before deciding that she’s going to end up overthinking it. She steps closer to Emma, invading more personal space than the average person would be okay with. But Emma isn’t the average person. “Is this okay?” She slowly nods as Regina wraps her hands around Emma, pulling her closer than she expected to be tonight.

She feels Emma relax against her, and she allows herself to do the same. Emma’s arms are tucked between them, and she allows her hands to rest on Regina’s shoulders as the brunette presses Emma closer to her in an attempt to warm her. Regina is slightly panicking with this new positioning, but she’s too gay to fight it. How she didn’t see this before is beyond her. “Now we’ll both be warm.”

For a moment, nothing happens, but then Emma rests her head on Regina’s shoulder, against her neck, pulling her a bit closer. Regina responds with a similar pull, her arms almost looping Emma’s waist. “Aw, you’re so tiny,” Regina murmurs as she leans her head against Emma’s. She doesn’t say anything, but a severe shiver runs through her body again, and it just makes Regina wonder. 

Because it’s cold, but it isn’t  _ that  _ cold. Not that it’s bad, because some people are more cold natured, and for all she knows, Emma gets cold easily. But this easily? Regina still doesn’t have shoes on, and her feet aren’t cold. She thinks it must be because Emma’s so tiny, and when Emma shivers again, instead of bringing it up, she suggests they head back.

“Okay,” Emma says into Regina’s neck before pulling away and shrugging Regina’s coat off her shoulders, passing it back. “Thanks for warming me up.”

Regina slides her coat back on and smiles at her. “I hope it helped.”

“It always does,” Emma muttered, so softly that Regina wasn’t even sure she really heard it. “Do you think…” Emma swallows. “Would it be okay if I held your hand?” She glances up at Regina hesitantly, her expression relaxing when Regina smiles at her, taking her hand instead of answering. They make the rest of their walk in silence.

At the car, Emma is the one to open the door for Regina, but at Emma’s dorm, Regina opens the door for Emma. “Let me walk you up.”

They hold hands on the way to Emma’s room, even though they’re inside and Emma is no longer shivering. Regina wonders what it means. “I enjoyed tonight,” Emma admits as they stand outside her door. “Thank you.”

“I should be the one thanking you. You paid for dinner after all.”

“Next time,” Emma says, smiling.

“Next time,” Regina repeats. She looks down at their still joined hands and opens her mouth to ask a question she hasn’t given nearly enough thought to when Emma beats her to it, speaking before she can.

“Regina, I like being your friend. A lot. But, uh… I just want you to know that if that was anything else, I would like that to. Tonight I mean. If tonight were something else.” She’s being cryptic, but Regina knows exactly what she’s talking about. 

Emma looks up at her, eyes sparkling, and Regina almost thinks she could kiss her and everything would be perfect. But she panics when she catches herself leaning forward, and she pulls Emma into a hug instead. Emma reciprocates and it lasts just a little too long for it to be friendly, but Regina doesn’t mind. She pulls away reluctantly. “I’ll see you in the morning?”

“Yeah,” Emma nods, smiling but avoiding Regina’s eyes. “Have a good night. Uh, text me when you’ve made it back safe, okay?”

After Regina’s said her “Okay, goodnight, Emma,” the blonde is in her room, and Regina is scurrying down the hallway, gay panicking the whole way.  _ Should I have kissed her? What would have happened? Could she have been thinking about kissing me? _

Finally back in her dorm in her pajamas, she sends Emma a text and falls back on the bed, willing sleep to come and take her now before she can analyze the night further. She concludes once more that she has feelings, and she decides ultimately that she ought to do something about them. She’s going to kiss Emma Swan.

 


	7. Chapter 7

The morning after her and Regina’s “non-date,” Emma still has conflicted feelings on the entire event. Regina claimed it was a “just friends” type deal, but she also took her to a fancy restaurant with reservations, and she’s pretty sure it wasn’t coincidence that had them sitting on the balcony overlooking the ocean. 

Not to mention, their walk on the beach, that Regina had planned as well. 

The opening doors, the lending of the coat, the body warmth, the walking her to her dorm room. All very date-like actions.

The rest had been Emma though. The hand holding on particular. It was kind of a way to test the waters, see how Regina would react to anything more blatant. She had reciprocated, and their hands barely left each other’s for the remainder of the night. All Emma could think about on their walk back to Regina’s car and the walk through the dormitory was if she should try and kiss her. Ultimately she decided it should be up to Regina. Kissing would be the point of no return and Emma isn’t wanting to get too risky too fast.

She smiles to herself the whole time she’s getting ready, excited to see Regina soon, and she’s ready earlier than usual. She doesn’t hesitate to just head out early, but when she practically flies out the front door of the building and almost knocks someone over, she thinks she ought to chill. As the apologies spill from her mouth, she maintains her composure. But when she looks up and her eyes meet Regina’s, it all goes out the window.

“Regina!” Her smile returns, wide as ever, so big that her mouth is starting to feel sore, but she doesn’t care. She glances down to Regina’s hands, wondering if she’ll let her hold them again when she notices she has coffee. Her smile falters.

“Don’t worry, it’s black. But if you want cream or sugar, I got some little packets.”

“Wow, thank you,” Emma grins again, tentatively taking her cup and going for a sip. “How’d you know I was going to come out early?”

Regina laughs, “I didn’t. I was going to show up at your door and hope you were decent.”

“Well it looks like you’re in luck.”

“I guess you could say that.” Emma almost chokes on her coffee. “I mean, I’m just lucky to be spending time with you regardless of your state of decency.”

Emma would have choked again if she’d been drinking, but luckily, this time she gets to play it off nonchalantly while Regina blushes and tries to stutter her way into an explanation. Emma takes matters into her own hands by reaching for Regina’s. “Hey, it’s okay. I know what you meant. She brushes her thumb against Regina’s, waiting to see if the brunette will pull back, but she doesn’t.

When she grips Emma’s hand more firmly and starts leading them to work, Emma’s heart pounds and her smile is so big it’s probably verging on creepy. She’s thinking it’s good that Regina can’t see her when she glances to the left to find that she’s being watched. Regina looks away so fast, a light tint to her cheeks that Emma has to swallow a giggle. Giddy is an understatement.

It’s not surprising, given how amazing she thinks Regina is. How sweet, how beautiful, how kind and caring, how smart, how funny… she could go on. But Emma finds herself surprised anyways at the acknowledgement that she’s never felt like this about anyone ever before, and she feels certain she never could again. Does anyone feel this way about anyone? 

The way Regina makes her feel seems to transcend all normality, all expectation. It makes her forget her worries and her struggles. It makes her forget the cuts on her leg, the scars on her body. It makes her forget about her past. It makes her forget that she’s all on her own, an orphan, trying to make something of herself from the ground up. Holding onto Regina’s hand makes her feel like anything is possible, and if the fuzzing of her brain at the thought of kissing Regina is anything to go on, she’s sure her mind would melt entirely if she were to actually kiss her. She hopes she’ll get to find out one day.

They hold hands all the way to the shelter, and when they reach the back door, they stop, neither wanting to let go. They stand there awkwardly until the wind blows, and Emma tries not to shiver. Regina squeezes her hand before pulling back. Emma feels immediately colder at the separation. “Do you need me to hold your coffee for you while you get the key?”

“Sure,” she says with a grin. “Thanks, Gina.”

“Gina?” Regina asks in surprise, a smile dancing on her lips.

Emma’s eyes widen, “Uh… Sorry, I--”

“It’s okay. I like it.”

“You do?”

“Well, normally I wouldn’t. But since it’s you…” 

Emma unlocks the door, taking the opportunity to hide her cheesy grin behind her hair. “Okay,” she manages to squeak out before letting them into the building. The day is off to an even better start than last night ended.

* * *

 

The morning continues to move smoothly, Emma staying near Regina as much as possible, just because she can, and she tries to stop replaying all their cute moments from the past twenty-four hours through her mind, but there’s no shutting it down. She thinks that maybe she should say something, anything, just to let the brunette know she’s special, but whenever she thinks to, a dog barks or Ruby summons one of them with the walkie talkie needing assistance. 

It’s when they’re finally alone in the cool air doing walks that Emma finally gets her chance. “Hey, Gina?” She turns to watch the smile creep up on the other girl’s face, and her heart melts at the sight.

“Yes?”

Emma swallows, suddenly nervous. “I, uh, I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re really cool. I’ve never had anyone like you in my life before. And I’m glad you are.” She manages to say it, more or less fluently, and while she wants nothing more than to hold Regina’s hand, she’s almost glad she isn’t or that might have sounded too gay. She’s still not sure where Regina stands in regards to that fence. Would it be too much to ask? Probably.

She glances to Regina, trying to gauge her reaction. Her face is more red, but that could be because of the cold air, and she’s smiling but her eyes look too lost in thought. Emma’s about to panic when suddenly Regina stops, hand on Emma’s arm to turn her in the right direction. Her stomach flips nervously, and when Regina inches closer, her body temperature rises.  _ I could kiss her right now _ . But she doesn’t. And Regina doesn’t.

Instead she takes her free arm and wraps it around Emma’s waist before resting her head against her neck. All Emma can think is if she can feel how fast her pulse is racing and all she can do is hold Regina back and try and quell her hormones. It doesn’t last long, but it lasts long enough to make Emma wonder what’s going through Regina’s mind.

She just smiles at Emma before resuming the walk, muttering, “You’re so special,” and Emma isn’t sure it’s what she heard, but she has a good feeling that it is. Her cheeks burn and her heart feels like it’s itching for some kind of impossible closeness. That hug wasn’t enough, but Regina is so she’s content.

It takes all her strength not to hold Regina’s hand at random for the rest of the day, but she glances at it every so often, hanging loosely by the brunette’s side as if asking to be held. But since Emma has initiated all the hand holding so far, she needs the next time to be up to Regina, and she can take all the time she needs.

Fortunately, Emma manages to keep her cool for the rest of the morning shift, right up until it’s time for Regina to leave.

“Do you work tonight too?” 

“Yeah,” Emma sighs. “I’m here all day today. I’ll probably go on break once Mary Margaret gets here.”

Regina nods. “Burger King again?”

“Maybe. I am on a budget after all,” Emma jokes.

“What kind of budget allows you to buy a girl dinner at a fancy restaurant?”

“Sometimes it’s not about the budget.” Emma hears Regina’s breath catch in her throat, and her hand twitches as she tries to hold back her incessant hand holding desire. She almost scolds herself when she feels Regina’s hand in hers until she realizes that it was Regina’s doing this time, not her own. She lifts her head to see Regina looking down at their hands as she fidgets with Emma’s, tangling their fingers together and stroking the skin. Emma’s pretty sure she’s lost the ability to breathe.

“I’m sorry,” Regina mumbles, and it’s so ridiculous that Emma half laughs.

“For what?”

Regina’s eyes flicker to Emma’s before returning to their hands. “I don’t know. You just make me…” Emma waits patiently, heart beating out of her chest. “You’re just so…” 

Suddenly the door swings open and Mary Margaret is there, beaming “Don’t worry, I’m here! I’m not late!” Emma is so startled she jumps, and Regina takes a step back, their hands separated again. “Oh,” Mary Margaret says as she spots them. “You guys look so serious right now, maybe I should have come in through the front, to Emma’s embarrassment, she winks. “I’ll get out of your way. Emma, you can start your break whenever you’re ready, just be back by three because that’s when Ruby’s leaving, okay?”

Emma nods as the woman walks past her. “Okay…” When the door closes behind her, she looks back to Regina, who looks more nervous than she did before. “Sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Regina laughs.

“So, uh, what were you saying?” Emma tries, taking a tentative step back towards Regina.

Brown eyes look up to her, full of conflict. “Text me later?”

“Of course.” Regina nods, turning to leave, but Emma suddenly finds herself following her, reaching for her hand, stopping the brunette. She makes eye contact with Emma, surprised. “Gina?” The soft smile comes back. “You don’t have to be nervous.”

Regina laughs, “Neither do you.”

“What? I’m not nervous,” Emma says, immediately defensive, which only makes Regina laugh more. 

“Okay.”

“What? I’m really not.” She really is. “Okay, so maybe you have a point, but that doesn’t mean anything. You don’t know, it could be because of anything.”

“If I let you keep rambling, I’m sure you’ll end up just telling me.”

Emma huffs. “No way.” 

Regina grins, taking a step closer and separating their hands one last time to wrap both her arms around Emma’s neck, pressing their bodies together. “Bye, Emma,” she says into her ear before pulling back, giving her a smile before walking out the door. 

That’s when Emma lets herself squeal and dance before heading out on break.

* * *

Ruby is out the door the minute Emma walks back in. “Sorry, boo. I love you but I have been here for far too long in the past twenty-four hours to stick around. See you!”

“Bye, Ruby,” Emma waves, stepping into the office. She stops short when she sees Snow at the desk, hands folded in front of her. She’s never seen someone so innocent smirk so suspiciously. “Oh, no.”

“Emma.”

Emma groans, “Mary Margaret, why do you do this to me?”

“You don’t have a mom, so someone has to embarrass you like this. Why not have it be me?”

“I think I embarrass myself enough as it is, thanks.”

Mary Margaret chuckles. “I know you do. But that’s my fuel.” The blonde just shakes her head at the older woman, hoping that the subject will drop if she chooses not to say anything. But she’s not that fortunate. “So. Regina.”

“What about Regina?” Emma asks cautiously, pulling up a chair.

“You both looked… friendly earlier,” she says, wiggling her eyebrows.

Emma rolls her eyes, “Well yeah, I should hope so. I mean, we are friends after all.” Mary Margaret raises her eyebrows. Emma knows she’s waiting for her to continue, but she’s trying to refrain from rambling. Regina was right earlier. Just let her keep talking and she’ll say anything. Well, almost anything.

The stare down continues, and Emma is amazed that the woman can hold her gaze as consistently as she can. The combination of that look, the silence, and her secret desire to talk about the situation with Regina gets to Emma, and she can’t stop herself from fidgeting. Finally, it’s too much for Emma.

“Fine! I’ll talk.” Mary Margaret leans back in her seat triumphantly, ready to listen. “Regina asked me out to dinner yesterday and she said it was a  _ friends _ thing but when she picked me up she was dressed all fancy and she opened all the doors for me, even the car door for fuck’s sake! And then we go to that really fancy restaurant we never go to because everyone always looks like they’re on a date and me and you and Ruby don’t want to look like that. So anyway, we go there and she not only has reservations but she had them for the balcony. And then it was one check and then we walked on the beach and I was cold so she gave me her coat and held me until I warmed up and then we held hands and at the end I thought she was gonna kiss me but she didn’t and I just don’t know what to think besides the fact that all I want to do is hold her hand and kiss her, like, all the time!”

When she finally finishes, she catches her breath, feeling like a piñata Mary Margaret had just cracked into. “I don’t know how you do that, but you’d make a great mom.”

The older woman quirks a brow. “I know. I’ve got talent, right?”

“You’re way too proud of yourself.” The woman shrugs in response with a hum of affirmation. “Okay, so what should I do?”

“You tell me.”

“C’mon! That’s so not fair. You just Mom-ed all this information out of me, and now you’re not even gonna help?”

“Emma, I am helping.” Emma scoffs, leaning back in the chair, arms crossed. “I’m serious. What do you  _ want _ to do?”

“I just told you, I want to kiss her.”

“Then there you go,” Mary Margaret says like it’s the most obvious thing (and let’s be honest, it really is). “That’s what I think you should do.”

Emma sputters for a moment before she can find the right words, “That’s insane! I can’t just kiss her!”

“Can’t you?”

“Of course not! Isn’t there some kind of signal or something? I can’t just up and kiss her. What if she doesn’t like it and she freaks out.”

“Then it sounds like you need some practice.”

Emma flies back up in her seat, “Mary Margaret, I’m serious! I can’t just kiss her. She might not even want to kiss me, and I don’t want to mess this up and I definitely don’t want to make her uncomfortable. I like her a lot. Like, more than I’ve ever liked anyone. She makes my hands feel tingly,” Emma admits quietly.

Mary Margaret grins. “Emma, I want you to think about something, okay?” Emma nods. “Has she seemed opposed to holding your hand?”  _ No. _ “Has she pulled away from you because she’s looked uncomfortable?”  _ No. _ “Does she seem nervous around you? Blushing a lot, smiling when she thinks you’re not looking, having trouble forming sentences?”  _ Definitely. _ “Has she ever leaned closer and made you wonder what she was going to do next?”  _ Yes. _ “Just think about those things, and I think you’ll find you have the answer.”

Emma contemplates that for a moment. It’s true, she does have the answer. Based on that anyway. But there’s one question still bothering Emma. “What if she’s straight?” Mary Margaret snorts. “What? It’s a legitimate worry.”

“You know that gay bar down the street?”

“Yeah, what about it?”

Mary Margaret smirks, “She was asking me about it.”

“Regina asked you about the gay bar,” Emma deadpans.

“Yeah, she wanted to know if you had to be twenty-one to enter, if I’d ever been there, if they have good food, if you would like it there…”

“What?” Emma squeaks.

“Yeah, if you ask me it sounds like she was fishing for information.”

Emma blinks in shock, “Well, what did you tell her?”

“I’ve never been there.”

“I know, but… what did you say about  _ me _ ?” The older woman smiles, looking like she’s not going to answer. “Mary Margaret, please. You have to tell me.”

“All I have left to say, Emma, is that I don’t think a straight girl would hold hands on the beach with a girl she already knows is gay.” 

And  _ shit _ , she has a point.


	8. Chapter 8

Despite the constant state of struggle Regina continually finds herself in, torn between wanting to touch Emma and hiding under the nearest table, it’s been undeniably fun watching the blonde’s nerves go crazy. She thinks she’s being subtle and calm, but it’s clear to everyone that she’s not, but Regina loves it.

For one there’s the smiling, which never stops. It doesn’t matter what’s happening, Emma is always smiling. She’ll try to tug it away, and Regina almost thinks Emma’s battle against her giddiness is cuter than the giddiness itself. When she showed up at work the other morning, Emma literally danced when Regina walked in, and the brunette couldn’t stifle her giggle, which only made Emma dance more.

After Emma so adamantly denied her nervousness, Regina kept trying to call her out on it, subtly, just to see what she would do, how far her denial would go. The depth of her denial honestly amazes Regina. (“Emma, what’s got you smiling so much today?” “What? Regina, I’m not even smiling.” And even though she had been grinning ear to ear, the seriousness in her voice was unmistakable. Regina just shook her head, also smiling.)

And not only does Regina get to watch the silliest and most adorable quirks from the object of her affections, Emma is also becoming incredibly easy to read, even more so than before. When Regina thinks back to going to her boss to learn sneaky facts about Emma, she almost feels ridiculous. Emma more than quelled her curiosity during their date. But it didn’t hurt to know more going in.

_“Hey, uh, Mary Margaret?” Regina crept into the office, afraid to give herself away but too curious not to ask. Fishing for information was something she didn’t do often, but the lack of confirmation was too much for her, and she needed a second opinion._

_“Regina, hey! Come on in,” the woman smiled, immediately giving Regina her full attention._

_As she sank down in the chair across from the desk, everything she had planned, the perfectly fluent dialogue she had practiced in front of the mirror that morning, had flown out the window. “Um, hey, so you know that tapas place by the college?” The woman’s forehead wrinkled, but she nodded in response anyways. “You know that place next to it?”_

_Mary Margaret pursed her lips together, a laugh detectable in the air leaving her nose. “The gay bar?”_

_Regina hoped she wasn’t blushing too noticeably. “Uh, yeah, that place. So, have you ever been there?” her boss opened her mouth to say something before Regina continued on._ How _Emma_ of me _. “I just didn’t know if you had to be twenty one to get in, you know. Since it’s a bar. Or if they have good food. One of my friends asked me about it. Not Emma. A friend from class. But hey, speaking of Emma, do you think she’d like that place?”_

_For a moment, there was only silence, Regina trying to keep her cool while her heart pounded in her chest, and Mary Margaret, grinning like an idiot but actively attempting to do anything but. “I’ve never been there.” Regina blinks, waiting for her to continue. When she doesn’t, she worries she’s going to have to blow her cover, but then Mary Margaret says the magic words, “Emma’s never been there either, but she’d fit right in. I’m sure she’d appreciate the invite.”_

_“Oh. I wasn’t--”_

_“Regina, it’s okay. If you were or if you weren’t,” she offered a soft smile. “If you are or if you aren’t. Not everything needs to make sense right away.”_

And now, on her way to work, Mary Margaret’s words echo through her mind. _She’d fit right in._ The implication of Emma’s sexuality burns through that comment, but so does her openness about it. And if she’s open about it, why hasn’t she said anything to Regina? It isn’t as though Regina’s being subtle about anything.

She wonders about it all morning, and she’s got plenty of time since she and Emma have opposite shifts. She thinks that maybe she ought to be the one to say something to Emma, but then again she’s not sure what to say. All she can think about is skipping all conversation and just bringing Emma’s (presumably) soft lips to hers, melting into her, letting her tongue speak for itself, surpassing words in favor of taste.

But without any direct prompting from Emma, she’s not sure she’ll be brave enough to take that step.

She worries her whole shift away, and by the end, she still finds herself lost, nervous, and too full of feels for her own good. Once she settles all the dogs, she makes her way to the office, determined to seek advice again, only correctly this time, before Emma arrives for her shift.

Mary Margaret shows little surprise to see her, greeting her with a trademark Mary Margaret Blanchard smile. “Hey, Regina. Back for more advice?” And given the fact that Regina could just be in there to tell her she’s finished all her tasks, the the older woman’s intuition impresses her, as usual.

“Actually, yes. And I promise not to be so vague this time.”

Mary Margaret shrugs. “Wouldn’t stop me from figuring it out, you know.”

Blushing, Regina continues. She’s right. “Okay, so as I’m sure you know, I have feelings for Emma.” The older woman squeals, unsurprised, but pleased nonetheless. “Yeah, I know. But the thing is… I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what to say. I keep expecting Emma to say something, but she never does. Part of me wants her to be the first to bring it up because… well…”

“You’re new at this?” Regina bites her lip, giving a small nod. She shifts her eyes down. “Regina, it’s okay. Emma’s new at this too. She may have figured a few things out earlier than you are now, but that’s not the only aspect to this. Keep that in mind.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, maybe she hasn’t said anything to you because she isn’t sure about _your_ sexuality, She might think you’re straight, and saying something would make you uncomfortable. She doesn’t want to lose you as a friend.”

“I guess I didn’t think about that…” Regina trails off in thought. “But, wait… could she really think I’m straight? I literally asked her out to dinner and got us a balcony seat. We held hands on the beach.”

“I know, that’s what I said.”

Regina throws her face into her hands, “I just don’t know what to do.” She looks up in time to see Emma walking through the office door, phone in hand, not noticing the two watching her arrival. When she looks up, her smile immediately appears where a straight line once was.

“Regina!” Emma starts awkwardly shifting back and forth on her feet in an almost dance, and she appears to be suddenly aware of what she does with her body because she’s repositioning her hands as she tries to stand still, awkwardly leaning against the doorframe, and then on the doorknob, and then on the chair next to Regina, before she finally stuffs her hands in her pockets and rocking from her heels to her toes, eyes flickering back to Regina as soon as she manages to get them to move anywhere else. “So, what’s up?”

Mary Margaret eyes the clock behind her, “You’re late, that’s what’s up.” She gives Emma a look but hides a smile behind it.

“I’m so sorry! Oh my god, I feel so bad.”

“Emma it’s fine, it’s only--”

“I was talking to Regina,” Emma says, suddenly in the chair next to the brunette, reaching for her hand and actually taking it into her own. “I didn’t mean to make you wait.”

“It’s really okay…” Regina feels impossibly light as she looks into Emma’s eyes, care shining out, and she can’t help but glance to Emma’s lips, perfect as usual, as they turn down at the thought of inconveniencing Regina. She catches herself, looking back to her eyes, unable to tell if Emma had noticed her wandering. A quick glance to Mary Margaret makes her laugh, breaking the sudden seriousness of the moment.

“Emma, really? I’m your boss,” the woman looks shocked but struggles to maintain the expression, a laugh threatening it’s way out of her.

“Sorry, it’s just that…” Emma trails off, eyes on Regina’s hand in hers, stroking it once with her thumb. “I should get to work.” With that she lets go of Regina’s hand, moving toward the door before turning back, smile back when her eyes meet Regina’s. “See you later, Gina.”

“Hey, what about me?” Mary Margaret calls after her.

Emma turns back in the doorway, brows furrowed. “I said bye to you too.”

The woman laughs, “No, you didn’t.”

“I did,” and Emma sounds and looks so _so_ serious, and when she leaves, confused, Mary Margaret looks to Regina, finally bursting into a fit of laughter.

“Wow. Does she really think she said bye to both of us?”

“She really does,” Mary Margaret scoffs, grinning at the whole situation. “She’s so smitten; it’s unbelievable. You know, Regina, you could really have some fun with this.”

“What do you mean?”

And then Mary Margaret begins to explain her idea, one of them anyway. Regina hesitates, unsure if she has what it takes to pull it off, but her boss convinces her otherwise. (“Look, what do you have to lose? Emma isn’t likely to have a coherent response to this. We know she likes you, so the worst that could happen is she opens her eyes to how gay you actually are.”)

Which is how Regina found herself walking to the back once again instead of out the door, silently moving towards the storage closet where Emma stands, back to the door, organizing some items on the shelf, oblivious to the presence of the brunette behind her.

Regina makes it into the closet unnoticed, inching closer, trying not to think of way to back out. Hoping she doesn’t completely jumpscare the blonde, she places her right hand on Emma’s right arm, stepping so close behind her that their bodies are touching, reaching over her other side to grab whatever happens to be within reach. Emma jumps a little, but otherwise freezes in the proximity.

“Sorry. Mary Margaret asked me to grab this for her before I left,” Regina whispers into Emma’s ear, moving even closer, holding her arm tighter as she reaches over, enough to be convincing but certainly enough to seem intentional as well. She is only grabbing a dog bowl after all, something Mary Margaret couldn’t possibly make use of up front. Once she has it, she takes her time bringing it off the shelf, lingering against Emma’s body, transfixed by the way her breathing shifts, senses overwhelmed. She can almost taste Emma’s honeysuckle scent on her tongue.

Dog bowl finally at her side, she runs her hand down Emma’s arm and then back up again. She grazes Emma’s ear with her lips before whispering, “Bye, Emma. Text me later.” A shiver runs through Emma and she shakes against Regina, causing the brunette to almost pass out before stepping away from the blonde and walking back to the office. _I can’t believe that just happened_.

“How’d it go?” Mary Margaret asks, perked up in her seat, ready for the story of a lifetime.

Regina lets out a nervous laugh as she sets the bowl on her desk. “I don’t know, you’ll have to ask her. I’m fairly certain my brain short circuited.”

The woman waggles her eyebrows. “I’ll go back there in a minute.”

“Keep me updated,” Regina says as she steps out and heads home.

* * *

 

She’s only in her room for a minute before her phone lights up with a text, and she opens it immediately, expecting it to be either Mary Margaret updating her on the aftermath of her bold move on Emma (or rather _against_ Emma), or the girl herself doing as Regina so persuasively requested. But it’s neither.

 

[Mal] _Regina, what are you doing right now? Let’s go out._

 

Regina rolls her eyes.

 

[Regina] _Just got home. Let me know when and where to meet you, I can be ready in ten minutes._

 

[Mal] _Okay, then, 15 minutes, tapas._

 

Another eyeroll. _Fine._

 

[Mal] _You better be ready to talk this time._

 

And when Regina finds herself sitting with Mal at the bar twenty minutes later, she still isn’t sure what Mal expects her to talk about. What she is sure about is that she’s going to be checking her phone just as frequently as the last time they were here. It goes off and Regina gives it her attention, ignoring Mal who’s just going to order for her anyway.

 

[Mary Margaret] _I found Emma hyperventilating in the closet. I was surprised she was still in there honestly, cause I waited about fifteen minute. But I walked in there to put the dog bowl back and I said “I don’t know why Regina brought me this. Weird, huh?”_

 

Regina doesn’t remember the part of the plan where she got totally set up by Mary Margaret, but there are more important things on her mine, like:

 

[Regina] _Oh my god mary margaret, what did she say?_

 

[Mary Margaret] _She was really zoned out, but all she said was “damn...”_

 

[Regina] _that’s it? she didn’t say anything else? what does that mean?_

 

Mal clears her throat, prompting Regina to look up and set her phone on the bar, noticing the drink sitting in front of her for the first time. “Mal, look, I--”

“I know, I know. You forgot your ID. But it’s okay because I know the bartender, and he understands. She winks at him as he makes a drink across the bar, Regina just stares at the interaction, at a loss for words. “Drink up. You’ll need it if you expect to fill me in.”

“Fill you in on what?” Regina asks, taking another tentative sip of her drink. It tastes better than the last one Mal ordered for her, and she finds herself drinking it quicker than she probably should.

“How’s your girlfriend?”

Regina almost chokes on her drink, coughing a few times before taking another large sip. Mal was right about needing it. “Emma isn’t my girlfriend.”

Mal scoffs, “Please.” Regina tries to deny it, but Mal isn’t having it. “You know Chelsea? At the hospital? Well she told me that her boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend saw you out at that seafood place with that blonde girl. That’s Emma right? Your girl? Anyway, she said you were all dressed up on the balcony and everything. I thought for sure you’d have to go to the gay bar to make your move, but _damn_ girl, you need less help than I thought.”

“Okay, first of all, that is _not_ a reliable source of information.”

“But isn’t it true?”

Regina groans, “Yes, it’s true. But second, Emma isn’t my girlfriend.”

“But you want her to be?”

Maybe it’s the alcohol or maybe it’s the feelings, but Regina snaps, “Of course I want her to be my girlfriend! She’s amazing, but I’m just me. I don’t know what to do.” As if realizing her situation, Regina backpedals. “Look, I don’t want to talk about this with you.”

“Fine,” Mal huffs. “But you should. I’m ordering you another drink.”

“Whatever,” Regina mutters, scowl wiped from her face when she sees a new message waiting for her. She assumes it’s from Mary Margaret, updating her further on the situation, but when she sees it’s from the spaz herself, she nearly drops her phone.

 

[Emma] _hey gina :) wanna have a movie night?_

 

While Regina smiles wide, thrilled at the idea of a movie night with Emma, she can’t help but be suspicious. This is the same girl frozen into silence and left in a state of gay panic for at least fifteen minutes just because Regina stood close to her. Well maybe not just because of the standing. It wasn’t exactly innocent.

Something must have shown on her face because Mal hums, pleased with something. “What?” Regina asks, trying to sound annoyed, but she’s sure it just comes off as dazed.

“That’s her, isn’t it?”

“No.”

Mal scoffs. “Don’t lie to me, Regina. You’re smiling, so I know it’s her.”

“Whatever,” Regina says, finishing off her drink and turning back to her phone, at a loss for how to properly respond. She had been so bold earlier, and now that Emma seems to be becoming more bold herself, Regina finds her confidence wavering. A second drink appears before her, and she drinks it, letting herself relax into a place where she believes Mal could actually give her good advice.

When it’s finished, she whines to Mal, “I don’t know what to do. Should I make a move? What should I do? I’ve never been gay before, Mal, I don’t know how to do this.”

The other girl rolls her eyes, “Regina, you’re overthinking this. For one, I’m sure you’ve always been gay. Additionally, there are no rules for stuff like this. There’s no _knowing what to do_ , You just go with it. You like her. And she likes you, right?”

“I mean--”

“Regina, stop fucking around. I have a Christmas party coming up this weekend. It’s on Saturday night. You’re invited. Just bring Emma with you and get her drunk.”

“I’m serious, Mal!”

“I’m serious too. Bring her to my party as your date. Everything will fall into place as long as you stop thinking so much about it. This is about _feeling_ , Regina. Not thinking. Maybe I should have gotten some food in you before starting you on those drinks. You want another?”

Regina shakes her head. “Just food.” She sends Emma an affirmative text (with a smiley face) and glances at the menu, blowing a puff of air through her lips before looking up at Mal, eyes wide, “Is there grilled cheese here? Emma likes grilled cheese.”

“This is tapas, Regina. Not _Chuck E Cheese’s_.”

“That’s pizza.”

Mal shakes her head. “I ordered you tacos. You can take those to your girlfriend if you want.”

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Yet,” Mal smirked, sipping her drink. “Saturday, I’m telling you.”

* * *

A cup of water and two tacos later, Regina finds herself in front of Emma’s door, a nervous wreck, with a box of leftover tacos in her hand. She feels warm, and she’s sure that part of it has to do with the alcohol working it’s way out of her system but more to do with anticipation for a movie night with Emma and whatever that entails.

When she knocks on the door, it only takes Emma seconds to answer, and she’s smiling at Regina, but something about it is different, more confident. Regina can’t deny that she loves it, but it’s making her even more nervous. “Hey, Gina.”

“I brought leftover tacos,” Regina blurts out, feeling like an idiot. _Who brings leftovers to someone’s dorm room, and who brings tacos as a movie snack?_

Emma takes the box, “I just ate, so if you want I’ll put them in my mini fridge for later?”

“Yeah that sounds good,” Regina says, stepping into Emma’s room. It looks the exact same as the last time, only slightly cleaner.

After putting the box away, Emma stands to face Regina. “So, I don’t have a TV, but we can watch movies on my laptop. Are you okay sitting on the bed? With me, I mean?” A faint blush spreads over her cheeks, but her eyes stay trained on Regina’s.

“I mean, I’ve slept here with you, remember?”

“I know, but this is different,” Emma quietly admits. Regina wants to ask her how, but she decides against it, settling for silence as the blonde slides onto the bed. When Regina doesn’t move, Emma grins up at her, patting the space next to her, her smile growing as Regina makes herself comfortable next to Emma.

The minute the movie is playing and Regina is settled in, Emma turns towards her, wrapping an arm over her waist, a leg over her legs, and nuzzling against her chest, cuddling her so brazenly that Regina freezes momentarily. She half laughs, half gasps in surprise, “What’s gotten into you?”

Emma hums against Regina’s neck. “Nothing, I just feel like cuddling, and you’re here, and you’re comfortable. I can stop if you want.”

“No,” Regina answers, too quickly. Emma peeks up at her, looking amused. “I, uh-- it’s fine. It’s okay, you don’t have to stop. If you want to cuddle you can.” She kicks herself for being so bad at recovery, clearly. But Emma snuggles into her more, and she thinks that maybe it’s not all bad.

“What about you?”

“What?” Regina blinks, off guard.

“Do you want to cuddle?”

Regina isn’t sure what to say. Her words all seem to be failing her, but what she does know is that she doesn’t want to lie stiffly in Emma’s arms. She wants to tangle their bodies together, stroke Emma’s hair, feel her skin against hers, listen to her heartbeat as it pounds so close to her own.

So instead of answering, she wraps her arms around Emma, pulling her closer. She feels even smaller than Regina expected, and for a moment it alarms her, but it only makes her want to hold Emma closer, protect her more.

She smiles into Emma’s hair and rubs her back, not even paying attention to the movie and wondering if Emma ever cared about the movie at all. It doesn’t matter, because Regina’s just glad she’s here. She’s not surprised to realize that there’s nowhere else she’d rather be and no one else she’d rather be with.

The last thing she feels is Emma’s even breath on her neck before she drifts off to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Waking up next to Regina is even better this time than it was the last time, not only because she’s surprised to find the brunette still next to her, arms wrapped around her no less, but also because this had been a good week for Emma. Not everyone would see it that way of course, with her diet not being socially acceptable, but as far as the self harm goes, she’s proud of herself. The cuts she did have have healed enough that they no longer hurt and she’s free to roll around in bed and cuddle Regina to her heart’s content.

Or, almost to her heart’s content.

To her heart’s content would mean pressing her lips to the soft skin of Regina’s neck just inches away. It would mean tracing her fingers under Regina’s shirt across her smooth stomach. It would mean Regina waking up with a smile and rolling in Emma’s arms to face her before kissing her once on the nose and then again on the lips. It would mean spending more time in bed than necessary.

Part of Emma wants to continue waiting for Regina to make a move. It feels respectful, but then she remembers their moment in the closet yesterday. The way Regina’s body felt against her, the circumstances of the moment being innocent but the entire event feeling anything but. And the fact that Mary Margaret hadn’t really needed anything. What does that mean? It was intentional, but was it move enough for Emma to be bold?

The bigger part of Emma is getting tired of beating around the bush, tired of hiding her feelings. If she’s hiding them at all that is. Subtle or not, she decides that while there’s a lot to lose, the way Regina looks at her is sign enough to throw discretion out the window.

And okay, maybe she doesn’t kiss Regina on the neck or shoulder or anywhere, but she  _ does _ curl further into her, readjusting so that her hand rests on the skin of Regina’s waist. She strokes it gently enough that she can pass it off as in-her-sleep if she has to. 

When Regina doesn’t wake up, she makes her movements more intentional, her heart nearly stopping in her chest when she moans softly in her sleep before rolling in Emma’s arms, reversing their positions, and bringing their faces dangerously close together.

Regina’s shirt slips up even higher, and Emma’s hand now rests on her back. Nervous is an understatement at this point, so Emma keeps her position and closes her eyes, waiting for Regina to wake up.

The next time she opens her eyes, it isn’t long later when she feels a hand brushing some hair from her face, and she’s surprised to see Regina looking back at her, face still inches away. She blinks, equally surprised, “Good morning.”

“Hey,” Emma grins, wishing she could keep cuddling, but at this point, they’ll only move further apart when all Emma wants to do it move closer. She almost does, but when Emma’s fingers graze Regina’s bare lower back, her eyes widen enough to let Emma know she ought to pull back, so she rolls onto her back, untangled from Regina, whose proximity remains maddening, until Regina sits up next to her, legs hanging off the bed.

“I should go.” She turns back to Emma, giving her a shy smile before turning away again. “I liked out movie night.”

Emma snorts, I don’t even remember the movie.”

“Me neither,” Regina admits. “I woke up and it was over, so I closed your laptop and set it next to the bed. I wanted to put it on your desk, but uh…” Emma raised an eyebrow even though Regina couldn’t see her. “You were kind of attached. Not that I minded,” she adds after a pause.

_ You have a point _ , Emma thinks.

“What?” 

_ Oh shit.  _ “What?”

Regina stares at Emma, mouth half open, “Nevermind, I just thought you said something.”

“I don’t think so, but I do that sometimes. Say things I’m thinking. Maybe that’s what it was.”

“What were you thinking about?”

“Uh…” Emma is split between avoiding the question and answering a half truth. Her mouth decides for her. “I mean, you’re not wrong. If how I woke up is any indication that is.” Regina bites her lip, eyes shifting away again. “Not that I minded. Of course.” Emma resigns herself to not say anything else, but after about five seconds, it’s happening anyways. “I actually really liked it, except that I--” And she stops as abruptly as she can. She is  _ not  _ getting into the wishes of her morning right now.

“Except?” Regina prompts.

“Except I wish we didn’t have work. I’m not feeling that today,” Emma says, proud of herself. “Plus, I wouldn’t have said no to more quality time,” and  _ fuck _ , is she always this bad at containing herself? Regina’s smile is worth it though.

“I’m gonna go, okay? But I’ll see you at work. Thanks again for last night.”

Emma lies in bed uselessly for another thirty minutes after Regina leaves.

* * *

At work, Regina is jumpy and nervous, and it reminds Emma of before she asked Emma to dinner. She’s not totally sure that something’s up, but she wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the case, but she also wouldn’t be surprised if she’s reading too much into things.

It’s clear that Regina is up to something when Ruby pulls Emma aside to ask “Is Regina okay?” She just shrugs and walks back to what she was doing before. If something is happening, she’ll find out what it is eventually.

For most of the day, they’re doing separate tasks, but every time they’re near each other, Emma acts more distracted than usual, looking at Regina when she should be looking at what she’s doing, kicking herself when she makes a stupid mistake the minute Regina catches her staring. It would be worse, only she catches Regina doing the same. It’s a wonder they get anything done at all, especially when they have to stock the storage closet.

When it’s time for walks, they aren’t talking at first, and Regina’s nervous quirks are at an all time high, and Emma wonders where all her boldness from the other day went. If she weren’t so panicky, Emma would reach for her hand, but she doesn’t want to startle her.

Then again, maybe Emma’s confidence will spark Regina’s back.

Before she can psych herself out of it, she slides her hand into Regina’s, weaving their fingers together. She glances at Regina out of the corner of her eye in time to see her smiling , looking at their joined hands as she grips Emma’s back. They gravitate to each other for the rest of the walks, taking subconscious turns initiating the contact.

Emma’s sure her heart can’t swell any more, but Regina constantly surprises her.

“Hey, Emma?” 

She turns to find Regina wringing her hands together, eyes firmly set on Emma’s. “Yeah, what’s up?” 

“I was going to ask you last night, but you know…” she trails off, a faint smile on her face at the memory. “Anyway, you know my friend Mal?”

“The one at the hospital?” Regina nods. “Yeah, I’ve never met her though.” The other girl remains silent, fidgeting more, and Emma takes a step closer, debating on taking her hands again. “What about her?”

“Uh, she’s having a Christmas party this weekend. On Saturday. She invited me and said I could bring a friend…”

“A friend?”

“A date, I mean.” Emma gulps inaudibly at the word, hoping that this conversation is headed in the right direction. “Do you want to go with me?”

“As your friend?” Emma prods, making sure Regina wants this.

“As my date.” 

Emma’s sure she was already smiling, but now she doesn’t stand a chance against her face muscles and emotions, a strong team against her. She shuffles her feet, and tries to subdue the tingling and giddy excitement overtaking her body, but it’s no use, “Yeah, okay,” she says, poking at a scuff on the floor with the toe of her shoe.

“Yeah?” Regina asks, and Emma glances up to meet the most dazzling smile.

“Definitely.” They just stand for a moment, grinning at the ground and occasionally at each other until Ruby walks to the back. 

“Hey, sorry to interrupt-- Woah.” Ruby stops short when she finally looks up at them.

“What?” Emma finally asks after an awkward moment.

Smirking, Ruby says, “You tell me. Anyway, I was gonna ask if one of you could postpone your break for an hour and watch the shelter. You’re both capable of being here alone, and I gotta get out for at least a little bit. It’s driving me insane.”

Emma shrugs, “Yeah, I don’t mind.”

“I’ll stay. Emma, you can go ahead, and I’ll take my break later.”

“Regina, no. I’ll stay. You’ve been working hard, and besides, who knows what could happen in an hour. I know you can handle it, but I’ll stay. Don’t fight me on it,” she adds with a laugh, knowing she’d try.

The other girl reluctantly agrees, and ultimately, Emma thinks it’s for the best. She needs some time to think about being Regina’s date, free to squeal without being caught. It’s great until Regina returns shortly after with lunch for Emma, nothing crazy, just some grilled chicken and a side salad, but it’s enough to make Emma panic slightly, knowing already that it’s more than she’s willing to allow herself. 

But she says “thank you” and she sets up, ready to nibble at it, not expecting Regina to stay in the office and sit with her, but she does, since she’s brought her own lunch as well. At least there won’t be a lot of attention on her.

She cuts up the chicken and drops in into the salad, leaves the dressing off this time, and mixes it around, taking a bite of lettuce every so often to give the illusion that she’s eating more than she is. She takes a bit of chicken when Regina glances up at her.

By the time Regina’s finished, Emma hasn’t even consumed half of the salad. “I’m full,” she says before meeting Regina’s eyes, “Uh, do you want the rest?”

Regina looks at Emma’s box for a while before shaking her head. “You could save it for later.” Her eyes are still on it, and Emma is worried she’s going to say something, but she doesn’t, but when she looks at her, Emma’s sure she wants to. It’s not that she feels guilty, but she can’t bear to throw it away, so she sticks it in the office’s mini fridge before they head back to work for their second shift.

Emma’s giddiness dissipates more and more during the second shift, she smiles less, and her brain is elsewhere, distracted by circumstance more than by Regina. The brunette notices, and Emma can tell on the receiving end of several curious looks, but she doesn’t comment, and Emma is grateful. Really, she’s fortunate for the day. Regina asked her on an actual date, she’s had a sort of meal in front of someone without being questioned, and of course there’s the way her whole day started.

When they’re about to close up with Ruby, and Regina smiles at her, Emma’s forgotten about the salad. She can’t feel it, but that’s probably because she only  _ really _ ate a few bites. Maybe five if she combined it all into the kind of bites a normal person would have taken. Finding no reason to worry, she lets the thought slip from her mind. There won’t be any reason to cut before the Christmas party, and she won’t have to plan her outfit around bandages or pain.

But it all comes back when Mary Margaret makes a surprise visit, bringing along the latest guy she’s started going out with and a plate of brownies they baked together.

There’s a knock on the front door shortly after Ruby locks it, and the older woman decides to be the one to investigate. Emma and Regina exchange curious glances before looking at the door, waiting for the exclamation. Ruby enters first, squealing slightly, and it doesn’t make sense when Mary Margaret enters, but when the guy enters, everything clicks.

“Guys, I’d like you to meet David.” The man gives a sheepish wave with a matching grin.

“Hey, that’s me. I’m David!” Mary Margaret giggles on his arm and he smiles at her, pleased that he can evoke such a reaction from her. Emma can’t help but smile at how cute they are together.

“So, you met Ruby briefly the other day,” Mary Margaret says, gesturing at her friend before looking to Emma, “This is Emma, she’s basically my daughter. And then this is Regina.” Regina gives a small wave. 

“Nice to meet you,” Emma holds her hand out to shake David’s.

“Wow, your hands are tiny,” he comments. Emma shrugs, looking away.

“We made brownies and thought you guys would like one! Plus I really wanted to introduce David to my favorite people,” she says, setting the plate on the desk. Ruby doesn’t hesitate to grab one before pushing it to Regina and Emma.

Regina grins with a quiet, “Thanks.” Before taking one and looking to Emma. “Do you want me to get you one?” 

“I’m okay,” Emma says, shaking her head.

“Are you sure?” Regina asks, that look in her eyes again. Emma nods again, and Regina smiles before looking away.

“Em, you’ve gotta have one. These things are to die for,” Ruby says through a bite of brownie. “Seriously, Mary Margaret, I don’t know how you do it.”

“Me neither,” David grins. “I might have to have another one too.” Emma shrinks in her chair, waiting for a good opportunity to leave, but with David there, she doesn’t want to be rude.

“C’mon, David, give yourself some credit! You basically did this batch by yourself. I walked you through it, but you made them.” Mary Margaret brags.

“Alright, fine. Maybe you’ve got a point. This is the only time I’ve ever successfully made anything, probably. Mark your calendars,” he jokes.

“Emma seriously, now you’ve got to. This is a big moment.”

And then everyone looks to her expectantly with the exception of Regina, who’s looking in the other direction. Emma thinks she’s going to come up with an excuse, but she’s desperate to get out of this situation as quickly as possible, so she takes one. She’s too afraid to disappoint Mary Margaret by looking rude, so she eats the whole thing.

* * *

Emma spends the next few hours of her life trying to forget about eating the brownie and the fact that Regina spent money on her and she let it go to waste. Couldn’t she just be a normal person? Someone who eats like normal and doesn’t require some kind of fucked up coping mechanism for doing something so obviously human.

At one point she considers throwing up, but once she’s crouched in front of the toilet, she feels even worse and she leaves the bathroom. She strops her clothes and sits in the spot and pulls out the bottle before putting it back, not wanting to do it, not when everything seems to be going so well. 

She wonders what the number would be if she did. The whole brownie is a lot, and she knows that this would be a big one if she cut at all. Tomorrow would be rough no matter what she wore. She imagines Regina’s face when she sees Emma limping. She imagines all the things Regina has started noticing but doesn’t know how to comment on. 

Looking down at her bare leg, she cringes, layers of scars coming together and crossing over each other, and it’s disgusting, but somehow it makes her want to do it more, just to have something to take her mind off the background of her skin. Not that it would be any better.

She gets the bottle out again, actually removing a blade, feeling it in her fingers before holding it to her skin. She’s about to do it, deep and quick, when she imagines the date with Regina, more specifically, what happens next, not just that night, but next in general. If it goes well like she wants it to, and it keeps going well, Emma’s skin won’t just be private to herself anymore. How would Regina feel knowing that Emma had been mutilating her skin while Regina was having such a positive impact in her life? What if the tables were turned?

Somehow the thought makes it better as Emma drops the blade but also worse. She’s not supposed to feel like this, and she curls up on the floor, hoping it’ll pass soon. 

She wakes up on the floor, having forgotten falling asleep, and when she sees the blade still on the floor next to her, it all comes back. She puts it away, throws on a t-shirt and starts pacing her room, frantic for some kind of distraction. 

When she picks up her phone, she sees that it’s late, almost midnight, which means that it’s too late to do anything or go anywhere. She has a text from Regina from about an hour ago, and she doesn’t hesitate to open it.

 

[Regina]  _ Hey, Emma. I was just thinking about you, and I hope you’re having a good night _

 

And something about it stills Emma’s frantic mind, and she’s texting her back before she can think otherwise.  _ Regina’s probably asleep. I shouldn’t bother her _ . But she just keeps typing.

 

[Emma]  _ hey gina, im sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, i really hope it doesnt, but i dont want to be alone right now _

 

Regina’s reply is almost immediate.

 

[Regina]  _ I’ll be right there _

 

When she does get there, she looks frantic, and she’s in her pajamas. “Oh no, I didn’t wake you up did I?”

Regina shakes her head, “No, I couldn’t sleep.”

“You couldn’t sleep?”

She shrugs, “I don’t know. I have a lot on my mind. Something didn’t really feel right.” Emma’s heart skips. That feels significant. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Emma grins, small, but it’s something. Regina’s only been here for a few minutes, but everything has already started to improve. “I just… I don’t know. It’s nothing. I just didn’t want to be by myself,” she says, moving to sit on the bed. Regina follows.

“If you want to, I could stay again? If you’re having trouble sleeping too.” 

“I’d like that.” Emma chuckles. “At least you won’t have to borrow my pajamas this time.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (tw for self harm, mild abuse, non-con references, eating disorders, and harmful thought patterns)

Regina paces around her room in a state of nervous panic. Her date, her _date_ , with Emma happens tonight, and she doesn’t have anything exceptional to wear. If this was just Mal’s Christmas party, she’d be good to go.

But this isn’t just Mal’s Christmas party.

This is her first date with Emma. (If they’re not counting the beach trip that Regina insisted was a friend outing, which she doesn’t.)

Her closet has enough fancy clothes, courtesy of her mother, but a date with Emma wasn’t meant to be fancy, it was meant to be comfortable and impressive. She wanted to make Emma say “wow” but also show her that this is a matter of comfort, and not just trying to upstage.

She’s torn between more or less casual when her phone goes off.

 

[Emma] _hey, soooo is this an ugly christmas sweater thing or should I try to look classy?_

 

Regina can’t help but grin to herself.

 

[Regina] _You can wear whatever you want_

 

[Emma] _anything? i don’t believe you._

 

[Emma] _what are you wearing?_

 

[Regina] _It’s a surprise_

 

[Emma] _c’mon gina, you’re no fun_

 

[Regina] _See you in an hour :)_

 

It’s forty-five minutes until Regina’s finally settled on something. A red dress that tugs her curves perfectly. She tells herself that she only picked it because of the red, but really, she knows better, and when Emma opens the door and her mouth drops and she’s rendered speechless, Regina can’t deny that was her true motive.

“It’s the closest I could get to being Christmas-y. Red, and all.”

“Uh-huh,” is all Emma says, mouth still hanging.

“You look great too.” She does. Khaki slacks, a dark green sweater resting over a collared button up, peeking out at the bottom, at the sleeves, and by the collar.

“I look like a lesbian.”

“Aren’t you though?” Emma rolls her eyes. “It’s a good look for you.”

“The outfit or my sexuality?”

“Both,” Regina admits with a blush. “Anyway, are you ready to go?” She extends her hand to Emma, who takes it and lets Regina lead her to the car, but  of course Emma tries to get the doors this time.

When they get to Regina’s car, Emma patiently waits for her to unlock it so she can even open the driver’s side. “How come you always drive?”

Regina shrugs, “I mean, you can if you want to. I guess it’s just never worked out that way before.”

“It’s probably for the best, really. My car isn’t nice like yours or anything. It’s got personality though.” Regina snorts. “What? It really does! I mean, yours does too, but you know. Mine is _yellow_ and it’s _vintage_ and it’s just really awesome. You know? It doesn’t need bumper stickers to define it.”

Regina can’t stop smiling, listening to Emma ramble. “Sounds like someone’s nervous,” Regina mutters.

Emma sputters for a minute before finding her ground again. “I’ve never met your friends before. Of course I’m nervous.”

“Only one friend that I know of will be there. Are you sure that’s all you’re nervous about?” Emma’s blush is telling enough.

“Like you’re not nervous too,” Emma mutters, sneaking a glance over to her. Regina pretends not to notice and decides to refrain from commenting until their arrival.

She can’t help but think about this as a pivotal moment. Not just because they’re about to go on a _date_ , but because everything before them from here on out is unexpected. Regina’s started leading them down a new path on a road they’ve never seen, and while they can explore it hand in hand, it’s still full of surprises. She hopes most of them will be good.

The party happens at a place Mal’s parents reserve for special parties for them and their rich friends, so it’s basically a privately owned country club. Regina didn’t ask if Mal had permission to be using it or not, but she was too afraid to know the answer. When she’s parked, she turns to see Emma gaping out the window. “What is this place?” Regina tells her, watching as Emma’s eyes get even wider. “How does anyone have this kind of money? Why would they spend it on all this?”

Regina shakes her head, “Standard, I suppose. This is normal for them.” She makes her way around to Emma’s side, opening the door for her, nervously taking her hand as she steps from the car. “I’m going to text Mal and let her know we’re here.”

Eyes still gazing around them, taking in all the cars, Emma asks, “There’s a whole lot of people here. Don’t you think she’s a little preoccupied?”

“Maybe, but it doesn’t matter. She told me to. She’s really excited to meet you.” She puts her phone away and takes Emma’s hand, walking to the front porch until she feels a slight tug backwards. “Emma?” The blonde had stopped moving entirely, eyes down. “Are you okay?”

“Are you… um, are you sure you want to hold my hand in there?” She glances up at Regina, finally meeting her eyes, and Regina’s heart clenches.

She walks closer to Emma, taking both her hands in hers, feeling bold. She would do anything if it meant Emma would feel more comfortable here. “If you don’t want to, it’s okay.”

“No, I mean,” Emma fidgets with Regina’s fingers in hers. “I want to. It’s just… I don’t know these people. What if they… I mean, my outfit is bad enough if they’re… you know. I don’t want to raise any bad attention.”

Regina grips Emma’s hands in hers before slowly dropping them. “It’s okay, Emma. I understand. We’ll see what it’s like in there, and if you change your mind, you don’t even have to ask. Okay?”

“Okay.” They walk in silence until they’re almost to the front when Emma speaks back up, “Hey, Gina?”

“Yes?”

“You aren’t as nervous as I thought you would be.”

Regina snorts, “You can’t tell?” The truth is that Regina is drowning in her nervousness. It’s taking all her energy not to shake, and even more energy to sound extra coherent. Although, she has to admit that she’s a little surprised herself by her composure. She knows why it’s so subtle though. It’s all for Emma. If she’s a nervous wreck, there’s no telling what state Emma is in.

Ever since the other night when Emma sought her out, asked her to stay because she didn’t want to be alone, Regina had vowed to stay strong for Emma if she ever thought she needed it. Whatever insecurities she has can wait, so long as Emma’s okay.

“Not really,” Emma pauses. “Are you?”

“Very.”

“Why?” But the way Emma is looking at her tells Regina that she already knows the answer. She grips Regina’s hand for a brief moment before dropping the question for another, “Ready?” But there’s no time to answer before the door swings open, revealing Mal squealing at them, phone in one hand, a glass of wine in the other.

“Reginaaaa!” she squeals, maybe not _drunk_ , but definitely having a good time. She hugs Regina as best as she can with her elbows, her hands being occupied, and giving her a friendly cheek kiss that Regina unsuccessfully tries to dodge.

“Please don’t,” she mutters.

“Regina, please, I’m not trying to hit on you, I’m just trying to say hello.”

“I didn’t think you were--”

But Mal interrupts her, moving on instead to Emma, who’s eyes are wide, but she doesn’t look as nervous as she did walking up, so maybe this isn’t going to be a disaster after all. “You must be Emma. Regina mentioned wanting to bring a friend, but I have to say, I didn’t believe her.”

“I’m her date, actually,” Regina’s eyes go wide, stunned by Emma’s confidence. Regina’s eyes flicker between the two girls and she wonders for a moment if Emma thinks Mal is some kind of competition. She makes a note to tell Emma she has no reason to worry later.

“Her _date_ , hmm?” Emma nods before Mal looks to Regina with a smirk.

“She’s told me a lot about you.” _Oh god, no._

“Oh?”

“Yeah, she won’t stop talking about you, usually. That or she’ll be on her phone the whole time. She gets that smile on her face.” Regina tries to blush her way into oblivion, but she’s not disappearing. The mischievous glint in Mal’s eyes make her try harder, but when she looks to Emma and sees the blonde giving her the softest and sweetest of smiles, she forfeits in favor of silent suffering. As long as Emma’s there, is it really that bad? “Anyway, it’s nice to meet you, dear. I’d shake your hand, but,” she holds up her phone and glass of wine in gesture, “you know. Now, how about you both come inside and I’ll get you a drink.”

Regina is relieved when Emma passes on the drink, the pressure suddenly off. “What about you? I can make something I know you’ll enjoy,” she says with a wink before leaning to Emma, “Don’t tell anyone she’s broken the law before, she gets antsy.”

“Mal! Really?”

“See what I mean? But seriously, Regina, tell me what you want. There’s a lot of options, my parents keep an open bar.” Regina squints at her. “Are you gonna answer me, or should I just guess like I usually do?”

“I don’t want anything.”

“What? Regina, seriously.”

“I drove us here, and I still have to drive us back, so, no thank you.”

Mal’s about to argue when Emma intervenes instead. “Gina, if you want to, you can. I can drive us back. If you’re okay with me driving your car, that is.”

At Emma’s use of the nickname, Mal’s eyebrows shoot up. “Yeah, _Gina_ , your girlfriend can drive you. Have a drink.” Regina glances around nervously, taking in all the other students, most of them nursing some kind of beverage. She’s not one to give into peer pressure. But then Emma’s hand brushes hers, and Regina thinks that a little liquid courage might not be so bad.

“Fine. But only one.”

“I’ll make it a strong one.”

* * *

 

They’re hovering by a wall in the far corner of what seems to be the _main room_ watching everyone dance. Emma snorts when Mal twerks from one person to another, no regard for personal boundaries. “She’s friendly, isn’t she?”

“You could say that,” Regina rolls her eyes. She starts to say something else, and she opens her mouth to do so, but Emma does the same, and they laugh awkwardly over who should talk first. Finally, Regina gives in. “You know she wasn’t really hitting on me right?”

Emma smiles, looking down, shifting on her feet a moment before answering. “Yeah, sorry. I hope I didn’t come across as jealous. I know that doesn’t look good on people.”

“It looks fine on you.” Emma nods, giving Regina an unsure but soft smile. “Most things do,” Regina whispers, barely audible above the music. Emma brushes her hand gently before pulling away again, and Regina can’t help but wonder if she’s thinking about holding her hand as much as she is. She clears her head with a quick shake. “What were you going to say?”

“What?”

“Earlier, when...”

“Oh! Uh… I don’t remember.” Another silence falls between them, but it almost doesn’t feel like it. Their closeness talks enough.

“Are you going to drink that?” Emma snickers, gesturing at the still full drink Mal gave her, stiff in Regina’s grasp. She hums and takes a long sip in response, raising her eyebrows. “Is it good?”

“It is, actually. Do you want to try it?”

Emma’s eyes linger on it for some time before she shakes her head, “No, I shouldn’t.”

“Okay. Do you want anything else though? I’m sure there’s some soda or water or something.” Regina spots a table across the room. “There are snacks over there. We could go check it out?”

“No, no. It’s okay, really. But do you want snacks? I can grab you something.”

Regina’s brow wrinkles, startled by Emma’s sudden and insistent deflection. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, of course! I’m not hungry. Maybe later.” Emma smiles, letting the silence fall back, her eyes lingering on Regina. She’s expecting Emma to look away, but she doesn’t, and Regina thinks again that whatever remains unspoken between them fills their silence so fully. Looking into Emma’s eyes, she just wants to push all the pressure out of the way, pull her close, and say it. The words are on the tip of her tongue, so when Emma says them first Regina finds herself wondering if she had said them as well. “You look beautiful.”

The words make the silence between them feel like silence, as if everything unspoken between them has started spilling out, like the look in Emma’s eyes conveys a million things that Regina doesn’t think there are words for. But then Regina blinks and hears how loud the room is, feels how many people are around them. She finishes her drink  and tosses it in the trash near them before leaning towards Emma. “Come with me,” she whispers in her ear before leading her through the crowd and to another room that connects to a balcony.

The air cools significantly as they step outside, and the atmosphere shifts to adjust to their sudden seclusion, the weight in the air simultaneously heavier but so much lighter. Regina’s body thrums, and she’s not sure if it has more to do with Emma’s proximity, the way she’s looking at her, or the alcohol moving through her system.

“Emma…” Regina’s control over her body falters, but she’s trying to wait for Emma, not wanting to cross a line or push the blonde in any way that makes her uncomfortable.

Emma surprises her when suddenly her hand is on her waist, sliding around to rest on the small of her back. “Yes?” The light hits her perfectly, and it looks like she’s glowing, her hair bright but her eyes brighter. The thought hits Regina so suddenly, and once it does, she knows this moment is important as it feels. _I want to kiss her._

Fueled by desire, alcohol, and the way Emma’s eyes flicker to Regina’s lips and the way she’s pulled closer by the arm around her, Regina finds her hand resting on Emma’s cheek, stroking her soft skin with her thumb. Her other hand mimics Emma’s, wrapping around her small waist.

Emma whispers her name, and Regina feels the breath from her lips just before she gives in entirely, her hand drifting from Emma’s face to the base of her skull, tangling into her hair and bringing Emma’s lips to hers.

They are so soft, so gentle, and everything she hoped they would be.

When Emma responds, pulling Regina closer and bringing her other hand softly to her face, she can’t stop the sigh that leaves her mouth, something that only seems to encourage Emma more. Their lips move in perfect rhythm with each other’s, their hands innocently feeling the other’s body, and Regina wants nothing more than to kiss Emma for the rest of the night, but she has to pull back.

“I’m dizzy,” she laughs, leaning her forehead against Emma’s.

“Me too.” Emma presses her lips to Regina’s one more time before giggling and leaning onto Regina’s shoulder, her arms wrapped around her neck. “I’ve wanted to do that for a while now.”

“Me too,” Regina says, kissing Emma’s head and stroking her hand across Emma’s back as they fall into silence again.

“Your heart’s beating really fast, Gina.”

She shivers at the feeling of Emma’s mouth moving against her neck and wonders what other ways she could feel the same thing. “I’m sure it is,” she manages to chuckle.

Emma hums into her neck, resulting in another shiver. “Are you cold?”

“No, it’s just…”

“The effect I have on you?” Emma asks, lifting her head to meet Regina’s eyes.

She’s sure it has a lot to do with the face that Mal’s drink was stronger than she realized, but the words fall easily from her mouth, either unafraid of consequence or confident that at this point nothing could go wrong. “You have no idea.”

It makes Emma blush, but instead of her trying to hide it by looking away, she hides it by crashing their lips together again. Regina likes this new strategy.

When they pull back again, Regina still feels lightheaded, and Emma hides in her hair again. “Sorry, I just really like kissing you,” she mumbles.

“Why are you apologizing?” Regina asks, trying to lift Emma’s eyes to hers. “I like kissing you too.” The blonde nuzzles further into her neck, and Regina chuckles, “And actually, I always knew I would like it, but I didn’t know it would be quite this much.”

“Really?”

“Really. Now come on,” Regina shrugs her shoulder in an attempt to dislodge Emma. “I want to kiss you again.”

With a grin, Emma picks her head back up to bring their lips together once more. It’s perfect, just like every other time. It’s gentle and cautious, soft and warm. They’re playing it safe, which Regina thinks is for the best as she watches Emma duck her head once more, pulling her closer.

“Do you want to go back inside?”

“If you want to,” Emma says. “I’m okay either way.” But then she shivers and Regina leads her back inside with a smile, but just before they leave the porch, Emma stops. “Is it okay if I keep holding your hand?”

“Of course,” Regina smiles. “I was actually thinking about asking you the same thing. I don’t want to embarrass you.”

Emma snorts, “I just made out with the most beautiful girl here, how could you embarrass me?” Regina rolls her eyes as they walk through the crowd to find a nice place to hang out.

They meet a few new people, laugh at some drunk people, and Mal hands Regina another drink she doesn’t know what to do with. Her friend staggers a it more than she initially did and she pulls her heels off, holding them in the same hand as her phone. “Can I borrow your girl for a second?” She asks Emma, who shrugs as Regina gets yanked towards Mal. “Regina,” she whispers. “Have you kissed her yet? If you haven’t, I’m making you chug the drink I just gave you _and_ mine.”

“It’s none of your business.” But Mal shoots her a look, and Regina rolls her eyes, “Fine, yes, we kissed. Happy?”

Mal gives an uncharacteristic squeal, “Yes! Now drink up and go do it again!” She slaps Regina on the ass as she pushes her back in Emma’s direction.

The blonde stifles a laugh. “Wow, she’s had more to drink, hasn’t she?”

Regina sucks a sharp breath in through her teeth. “Yeah, unfortunately.”

“I like her.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, she’s really funny.” The two fall into a comfortable silence, sitting on a little sofa pushed against the wall, hands tangled together. “Are you gonna drink that?” Emma suddenly asks, gesturing at Regina’s untouched drink.

“Why, do you want it?” Regina asks with a laugh.

“Not unless you still want me driving us back.”

“Oh, are you a lightweight?” Regina teases.

Emma makes a face she isn’t sure how to read and shrugs, “I think it would get to me really fast. It’s probably not a good idea.”

She scrutinizes the girl next to her for a moment as she avoids eye contact. She feels the emptiness in her own stomach and wonders if the lack of food is what Emma’s referring to. “Have you eaten anything?”

She’s not sure what she’s expecting, but the blonde’s defensive reaction is not it. “What? Yeah, of course I have.” Her eyes shift t different spots on the ground around them, ending on their hands. “Why?” Regina shrugs, about to comment when Emma takes a harsh breath in and finally looks at Regina, “You should probably eat, especially since you’re drinking alcohol. Do you want me to grab you anything from the snack table?”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll go check it out in a minute,” Regina says, sipping at the drink Mal gave her. It’s better than the last one, but is significantly stronger. “Do you want to try this? You don’t have to.”

Emma shakes her head, “No, is it good though?”

“Yeah, a lot stronger though. If I end up drunk tonight, promise you won’t laugh at me.”

“I can’t promise anything,” Emma grins, leaning in to kiss Regina again. Regina smiles into the kiss, gently parting Emma’s lips with her tongue, deepening the kiss. She uses her free hand to tug on Emma’s hair, eliciting a low groan from the blonde. Encouraged further, Regina deepens the kiss and lets Emma pull her impossibly close. She can’t get enough.

But then some idiot across the room yells about how it’s _so hot_ when girls make out with each other, and Emma’s lips stop and pull away, and Regina opens her eyes when she feels Emma stand up.

“I, uh, I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” Emma mutters before disappearing through the crowd. Regina glares at the guy across the room for good measure, but he’s too drunk to notice.

* * *

As soon as Emma stands up after that douchebag drew all the attention to her and Regina, she wishes she had just stayed where she was or had defended them or anything. Anything but panicking and standing up and leaving Regina behind in search of a bathroom she didn’t even need.

She wishes she had been strong enough to keep kissing Regina despite the gross comment, she wishes she didn’t care so much what others thought, she wishes she hadn’t gotten so defensive on Regina when she asked about the food, she wishes she could drink with Regina, she wishes they could just be back in her room instead of at this party surrounded by people she doesn’t know.

She wishes a lot of things.

But her biggest wish is that she hadn’t wandered off by herself to go to the bathroom when she did, or wandered off alone at all for that matter because when she finally finds the bathroom and holds up her hand to knock, the door swings open to reveal the last person she ever expected or wanted to see.

It’s Lily.

“Emma?” She’s shocked, and her voice sounds like such, but Emma swears she can still hear the disgust from the last time they talked. She opens her mouth to say anything at all, but she has no luck. Lily steps out of the bathroom, and Emma takes the opportunity to step in and try to close the door, but before she can, Lily throws her hand on the door, pushing on it so it stays open. She steps into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

At this point, Emma is hyperventilating as she watches the walls shrinking around her. She hears Lily talking to her but she can’t discern one sound from the next. She shakes her head, closing her eyes, trying to make sense of everything, but nothing changes.

She feels something firm against her arm, flinching when she realizes it’s Lily’s hand. She hears a scoff and manages to focus on Lily in time to hear her say, “What? You think I’m gonna hurt you? You do enough of that yourself don’t you?”

“Please don’t,” Emma manages to whisper, but Lily ignores her.

“What the fuck are you even doing here? How’d you get inviting? Mal said this would be exclusive,” she crosses her arms, shoving Emma in the process of taking her hand off her arm. She steps back and feels her back hit the wall.

“Mal?”

“Yeah, my friend Mal. This is her party. I don’t think she would have invited someone like you, so what the fuck are you doing here?”

Emma stutters for a moment, unable to process that this is actually happening, hating the way Lily’s voice takes her back to the past, Lily hovering over her, putting her hands in places Emma wished she wouldn’t. “Mal invited Regina. They’re friends.”

“Regina? Mal’s mentioned her. She your girlfriend or something?”

“Um… I don’t… She’s kind of--”

“Yeah, I didn’t think so. No one would date you, anyway. You’ve got that problem, and you’re bad at sex.”

“I don’t--”

“Whatever you’re gonna say, I don’t care. You’re fucked up, Emma. Nothing can change that.” Her eyes move down to Emma’s leg before she leans into it, pinning Emma against the wall and puts her lips to her ear. Emma winces out of instinct and Lily smirks. “If you ever tell anyone about us, everything’s gonna get a lot worse for you. Got it?” Emma nods. “I can’t hear you.”

“Yes,” Emma whispers.

“Good,” Lily says, walking toward the door, turning back to Emma one last time, “I’d say good luck, but it’d be a waste.” And with that, she walks out, leaving Emma alone on the bathroom, doubting herself more than she has since meeting Regina.

She slides down the wall, coming to sit on the floor, her head in her hands, putting all her energy into not crying while at the party. She can’t embarrass Regina, even if there’s no way they’ll last.

_Isn’t there?_

When she kisses Regina, she believes there is, but everything about her says there’s no chance, and Lily’s words echo through her mind as she pulls herself off the floor and sets back out to find Regina. _You do that enough yourself don’t you? No one would date you, anyway. You’re fucked up Emma. Nothing can change that._

It doesn’t take long for her to make it back to the couch she and Regina were occupying, and when she gets there, the brunette’s drink is gone and she’s looking at Emma with worried eyes. Despite her evident concern, she smiles, reaching for her hands.

Emma wastes no time. “Is it okay if we go?”

“Is everything okay?” The smile disappears and the concern amplifies. She tries to bring Emma down next to her on the couch again, but Emma resists, not wanting to stick around a second longer.

“I just want to go,” Emma says, shifting on her feet, too afraid to look around, hoping that Lily isn’t in the same room. She looks at Regina and her hands together, and she can’t decide if she’d want Lily to see the connection or not. Honestly, she’d rather Lily not be there at all.

Regina isn’t saying anything, but she stands to face Emma, reaching for her face with a soft hand, and Emma hates herself for flinching but it happens anyways. She doesn’t look up to see Regina’s hurt expression. “I’m sorry, I know you probably wanted to stay.” Regina tilts Emma’s head to look at her, and she’s shaking her head. Emma’s grateful that Regina isn’t pushing her, letting the subject drop.

“If you really want to, we can go. It’s getting late after all,” and Emma nods, even though she knows it’s not even midnight yet. “But,” Regina starts, suddenly humored by something, “I do think you’ll have to drive.”

“Sure,” Emma nods. She waits a moment before pulling Regina through the masses to get to the front door.

They make it to the car with no sign of Lily.

Emma’s getting settled in the driver’s seat, thrown off in Regina’s car, when the other girl looks over at her, “Emma, don’t feel like you have to tell me anything, okay? But I have to tell you. If you ever need to talk, or if you want to, you know that I’m here for you.”

“Thanks,” Emma whispers. She’s doing what she can to stay calm, but Lily’s words keep circling. The ride back is mostly silent, and she can tell Regina’s getting sleepy. “Where do you want me to park?”

Regina directs her to the parking lot closest to her dorm, and when they get there, Emma goes to open Regina’s door and walk her upstairs, looping one arm around her waist as if ready to catch her if she falls. She giggles, “You know I’m not drunk right?”

“I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“You’re sweet.” She turns to face her when they get outside Regina’s room, but Emma can barely focus on her surroundings, much less Regina. She looks to her eyes once more to see them still worried, even more so than before. She tries to smile her concerns away. “Emma, I know what this is going to sound like, but I want you to know, I don’t mean it like that.”

And the blonde breathes in, knowing what’s coming, and knowing what her answer is going to be. “Would you like to stay over? You want to make sure I’m okay, but I want to make sure you’re okay too.”

Emma shakes her head. “I love spending time with you, but I think I need to be alone.”

“Of course,” Regina nods, stroking Emma’s hand with her thumb. “But, uh, before you go, do you think I could kiss you one more time?” She flashes a mischievous grin that Emma can’t help but smile back at as she brings their lips together again, relishing in the passion she can feel from Regina’s lips and the way her hands gravitate to Emma.

It’s amazing, but Emma still feels herself slipping, and she wishes she could be enough for Regina, enough for herself. “I’m gonna go, okay?” She says, fighting back tears as she pulls away.

“Will you text me when you make it back safe?”

Emma nods, “Of course. Good night, Gina.”

Regina smiles at her, “Sweet dreams.”

As soon as she’s out the door, she’s running. She doesn’t stop until she’s at her door, unlocking it, and as soon as she’s in, she texts Regina and tosses her phone on the bed, immediately stripping as she feels the tears start rolling. She settles herself in front of the mirror, but she doesn’t pick a number.

This time it isn’t about food.

And when she’s done, and everything is cleaned up, she cries, thinking about the juxtaposition her night has given her. She reached a euphoric high, kissing Regina, but was now sitting on her floor bandaging her stinging leg, alone. She doesn’t want to disappoint Regina, but it’s hard when she deserves the best, and Emma is so far from that.

She crawls to her bed, where her phone has two messages waiting for her.

 

[Regina] _I hope you’re okay <3 I just want to tell how much you make me smile _

 

[Regina] _hint: it’s a lot :)_

 

Something about it breaks Emma. She wants it to be true, but she won’t let herself believe it. She turns her phone off, lies on her good side. She doesn’t know what to do, and as the tears slip out once more, she wishes she’d stayed with Regina.

She wishes a lot of things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> any and all feedback is welcome :)


	11. Chapter 11

Regina has trouble sleeping that night, most of her waking thoughts being concern for Emma. She thought that at first it had been because of that ignorant bastard that saw them kissing, but after thinking more, she’s sure something else had happened. Did someone confront Emma at the party? 

She wishes she had convinced Emma to stay with her tonight because whatever the problem was, it was clear that Emma wasn’t okay.

Regina really wants her to be okay.

She’s still full of worry when she wakes up in the morning, even more so when she realizes that Emma never answered her texts, and her panic increases. Then again, Emma may be asleep, she tells herself. So she starts her morning. 

It’s not too much later until she checks again, but this time she tells herself that Emma needs her space, Even if she is awake, Regina has no right to expect Emma to answer, especially if she’s dealing with something and prefers to do so on her own.

By the time she gets to work, Regina has mostly calmed down. She’ll see Emma soon, and she can make sure everything is fine in a normal, non pushy way.

But then Emma misses work, and Regina becomes frantic.

Mary Margaret attempts to quell the younger woman’s worries, but Regina doesn’t miss the worry filling her eyes as she tells her “Emma’s probably fine.” Regina refuses to work until Mary Margaret has gotten in touch with Emma, so she paces the office while the woman calls from the work phone and her personal phone, two times each. It goes to voicemail every time, and Regina wants to cry. 

“ _ Please _ tell me if you hear anything,” Regina says before finally relenting and leaving the office. If she weren’t needed, she would be running to Emma’s dorm, but the dogs need her. Emma wouldn’t want her to abandon them, even if it meant she had to wait. 

So Regina goes through her day, trying not to look at her phone every five minutes or hassle Mary Margaret about whether or not the blonde has texted or called. By the time she’s made it through the shift, Mary Margaret has no news for Regina, who then flies out the door of the shelter in near hysteria to head straight to Emma’s dorm.

She knocks a few times, but there’s no stirring from the other side of the door, and it doesn’t open. She knocks again, louder, but still nothing happens.  _ Maybe… _ She tries thinking up another excuse, but she doesn’t come up with anything. Trying not to jump to conclusions, she pulls out her phone, half relieved and half even more worried to see that Emma is calling her.

“Emma?”

For a minute there’s nothing but silence, and Regina is about to speak again when she hears a soft sniffle. “Gina?”

“I’m here. I was worried when you missed work, and when I didn’t hear from you. Are you okay? Where are you?”

There’s another sniffle, then the sound of a car in the background. Regina starts to leave the building. “What dorm do you live in?”

The question catches her off guard. “What?”

“Well, I was coming to find you, but I don’t know what dorm it is, exactly. And then even if I guessed the right one, I still don’t know the room and I… I’m sorry, I just didn’t know who else to go to.”

“It’s okay, Emma. I live in Bancroft; room 108. I’ll meet you there, alright?”

“Wait,” she sniffles again, “Where are you?”

“I was actually at your room looking for you,” Regina admits. “Now I’m walking back to mine.”

“Oh,” Emma says. “I guess I’ll see you when you get here? I’ll wait outside. Be safe please.” Regina smiles to herself as Emma hangs up, thinking about how adorable she is, just for a moment before the worries return. 

Needless to say, Regina doesn’t waste any time in power walking her way across campus to get back to her dorm, throwing the front door open and making her way down the hall. She spots Emma immediately, sitting on the floor with her legs to her chest, arms tight around them, and her head on her knees. Her shoulders tremble just enough to let Regina know that she’s crying.

“Emma.” Regina is at her side immediately. “Emma, c’mon, let’s go inside.”

The blonde avoids eye contact as she lets Regina lead her into the room and onto the bed, where Emma takes her shoes off and resumes her position. Regina takes a deep breath, glancing around, grateful that her room isn’t as messy as it could be, before sitting on the bed, unsure of what to do.

She follows her instinct and scootches back so she’s leaning against the wall right next to Emma. Reaching her arm behind the blonde, she tugs her closer until Emma’s head is leaning on her shoulder. Emma seems surprised at the gesture, but adjusts her position accordingly, tucking her legs down so her knees are resting on Regina’s thighs while one arm drapes across her lap. Regina doesn’t say anything, figuring it would be best if Emma were the first to speak, so she waits.

The silence weighs heavy, so Regina says, “It’s okay,” just once, but all it takes is for the wall to break and Emma’s tears to continue, so Regina holds her tight and rubs her arm and even works up the courage to kiss her head, but none of it seems to be consoling the blonde in her arms, so she keeps doing what she’s doing, ready to offer more if Emma needs it.

Eventually, Emma speaks, “Gina?” Her voice is barely a whisper, uttered between sobs, and Regina holds Emma closer, pressing another kiss to her forehead.

“I’m here, Emma.”

“I don’t want to scare you away.”

The words surprise Regina. “What?”

“You’re so wonderful, Gina. I don’t want this to ruin my chance with you, but I… I don’t know what else to do.”

The brunette isn’t sure what to say. She doesn’t know how someone as sweet as Emma could ruin her chance, but she does know that she hates seeing Emma like this. So she holds her close, continuing what she was doing, letting her actions affirm what her words cannot.

They stay like this for a while, Emma curled into Regina, wrapped in her arms, where she hopes the blonde finds comfort and maybe even security, and judging by the way Emma slowly starts to relax into her, she thinks is the case. She doesn’t want to push Emma, especially considering she isn’t sure what’s going on, but she wants Emma to know that she can talk about it with her, and really, she’s too worried to remain totally silent for much longer, so she kisses Emma’s head once more before pulling back just slightly. “If you need or want to talk about this, I’ll listen. I’m not going to judge you, and I’m not going to leave.”

Emma glances up at her, like she needs to talk, but isn’t sure she wants to. Her stomach growls and her eyes widen once at the noise, and then even more when Regina’s do the same at the expression crossing the blonde’s face. “I, uh…” Emma’s eyes blink rapidly as she avoids looking at Regina, a hand moving instinctively to her stomach. “I haven’t eaten in two days,” she finally admits, her voice small.

“Why?” Regina urges, trying to keep her voice level. She’s shocked and worried, but she doesn’t want Emma to misread her emotions and think that she’s angry or critical. 

Emma shrugs, “I just didn’t,” is all she says, and Regina isn’t sure what to make of that, but she doesn’t elaborate further, and Regina doesn’t ask.

What she does ask is, “Do you want to come with me to get food or do you want to stay here?” Emma doesn’t answer, just swallows hard and looks away as Regina stands to get ready to leave. “Is there anything specific you want?” The blonde shakes her head just enough to let Regina know the answer is  _ no _ , so Regina nods.

She makes her way back to the bed before she goes anywhere, pulling the blanket back, “Come here,” she gestures to Emma, who crawls from the foot of the bed to triangle made from the covers. Regina takes Emma’s hand as she slides under the blankets, and she pulls them over her when Emma’s gotten comfortable.

“Are you tucking me in?” Emma asks as she peeks out from under the covers, her eyes crinkling in such a way to indicate she’s smiling, at least a little bit.

Regina smiles down at her before kneeling to be at eye level with Emma. “Can I ask for a kiss before I go?” She feels so silly, and she’s sure her face is red, but if she gets to kiss the adorable blonde in her bed, it’s completely worth it.

“Okay,” Emma says, pulling the covers to expose the grin Regina knew was there, puckering her lips in exaggeration. The brunette can’t help but chuckle before bringing hers to Emma’s. She intends it to be brief, but when she tries to pull back, Emma’s hand tangles into her hair, extending the kiss before pulling back only to return more gently, her soft lips brushing against Regina’s before she finally pulls back and resumes her place almost totally submerged in the blankets. “Thanks, Gina,” she mumbles.

“I’ll be back soon,” Regina says before closing the door softly behind her.

She sends Mary Margaret a text as she walks down the hallway so she knows that Emma is fine, and Regina’s looking out for her. The older woman responds:  _ Regina, you’re so sweet for her ;) _ and Regina smiles, but can’t help but wonder what Mary Margaret thinks is going on. She shrugs it off and ventures out in search of food.

Unfortunately, it’s Sunday and late enough that everything is shutting down early, which limits Regina’s options significantly, but she figures Emma must like chicken nuggets. Who doesn’t like chicken nuggets?

When she gets back to the room, Emma snores lightly, and Regina smirks, setting the food on her desk and taking off her shoes and coat. She wants to curl up with Emma, be her big spoon and nuzzle into her soft blonde hair, but with Emma as hungry as she is, that’ll have to wait. She’s sure she’ll get the opportunity.

So instead she gently nudges Emma awake. “Emma,” she sing songs as she perches next to Emma on the bed, stroking her hair. The blonde grumbles and buries her face in the pillow. Regina giggles, “C’mon, Emma, I have dinner.” When she makes no attempt to move, Regina tries again. “I got chicken nuggets?” 

When it works, Regina smiles wide. “I like chicken nuggets,” Emma mumbles, peeking out from behind her hair. The other girl brushes it out of the way again.

“I thought you might.”

Regina usually hates eating in or on or around her bed, but she makes an exception this time, just so Emma will be more comfortable. She thinks she is, but it’s hard to say with the way Emma shifts on the bed next to her, or the way she nibbles on her food like she’d just eaten a big meal earlier that day. Her stomach grumbles low again, and Emma’s lip curls up in disapproval.

“You okay?”

“What? Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” Emma says, too quick for Regina to be totally convinced. She eyes her quizzically, but the blonde doesn’t meet her gaze.

“Do you feel any better?”

Emma stills for a minute, like she’s debating eating an entire chicken nugget to avoid answering or doing the total opposite and talking so she won’t have to eat it. Finally she shrugs and simply says “Sure,” taking another small bite.

“You know I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I’m worried about you.” She’s not thinking anything of it when she reaches out to rest a hand on Emma’s thigh, but the blonde seems to be thinking a lot of it, first flinching harshly away and then standing even more abruptly, suddenly out of control, pacing across the room with her head in her hands. “Emma?”

Regina is at a loss for what to do, but she hates sitting there, helplessly watching Emma crumble before her eyes, so she walks to Emma, tentatively holds her hands out, and the blonde stops in front of her, glancing around her fingers as if debating whether or not to fall into Regina’s arms.

She inches forward just enough that Regina thinks she’s going to do it, but when Regina responds by wrapping her arms around the smaller girl, she realizes it was a wrong move. Emma squirms back, her hands moving to hold Regina back as she shakes her head back and forth, eyes latched onto a spot just between Regina’s shoulders, avoiding her gaze once again.

“I’m sorry,” Regina says, her voice almost inaudible.

“It’s… I... “ Emma’s eyes finally meet hers and Regina’s chest tightens at the pain in Emma’s panicked green eyes. They’re glassy as the tears return, but the emotion there is so raw, and it stops Regina entirely, something in her eyes looks too familiar, and she feels like she’s forgotten to do something, or is about to forget to do something, and she can’t make sense of it. “I…I can’t do this to you.” Regina shakes her head once, forehead creasing. She doesn’t understand. Emma gulps before starting again, “Regina, I can’t do this.”

And Regina wants to ask her what she means, but she’s already out the door.

That’s when Regina remembers.

_ Regina, I can’t do this _ .

Those were Daniel’s last words to her.

They were his last words to anyone.

This can’t happen again.

* * *

The minute Emma makes it out the door and down the hallway, the minute she’s out of the building, she’s running. She throws on her jacket as she flies down the sidewalk, her socked feet going almost numb as they beat down on the cold concrete. She’d been too frantic to realize that she wasn’t wearing shoes, and really, she’s fortunate that she remembered to grab any of her things at all. 

_ Regina, I can’t do this. _

It was all she could manage to say, sent into a swirl of panic when Regina’s hand landed exactly where her fresh cuts are. Of course, Regina couldn’t have known, and Emma wants to keep it that way. However, she’d been eating suspiciously slow, and had flinched, both out of surprise and out of pain at the contact, and all she could think was that it wouldn’t be long until Regina caught on, figured out her problem, and rejected her, same as Lily had. 

She doesn’t want that, but it’s nearly inevitable, right?

But Regina isn’t Lily.

But even if Regina’s reassurances mean everything in the world, she deserves better. Emma doesn’t want to bring her down with her heavy problems, even if the brunette is willing to stand by her through it all.

By the time she makes it back to her room, she doesn’t feel any better about any of it, simultaneously wanting to run back to Regina and curl up into her bed and never leave.

She chooses the latter, ignoring the buzzing of her phone she’s sure is Regina, and tries to fall asleep to silence her thoughts, or at least clear her head. But it’s too early and all that happens is she lies stiff, nothing to distract the spiralling thoughts.

It’s probably an hour later when she finally gives in, climbs out of bed, and trudges to her desk to look at her phone. One missed call from Regina, and a string of texts.

 

[Regina]  _ Can you let me know when you’ve made it back safe? _

 

[Regina]  _ I’ll keep your stuff here unless you want me to bring it to you _

[Regina]  _ If you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask _

 

The few texts following her initial few, as well as the missed call, are more recent. The past ten minutes, recent. Forehead scrunched up in both curiosity and concern, Emma reads on through the longer messages.

 

[Regina]  _ So, I didn’t want to bother you again, but I need to tell you what’s going on. Shortly after you left, I was about to go after you (just to make sure you were safe, I don’t want to push you, so I hope that doesn’t make you uncomfortable) when my mother called me. Even though I’m staying here for the holidays, I still have to go to England for a week. I tried to get out of it, but there’s not a chance. The ticket is already bought, and the flight leaves tomorrow at 11 :/ _

 

[Regina]  _ I’ve already talked to Mary Margaret about the volunteer stuff, and it’ll be fine since I’ll still be a volunteer during the semester, but my biggest concern is leaving you behind. I know that sounds intense, I don’t mean for it to, but I’ll miss you. I wish you could come with me. You’d make the whole trip more bearable _

 

[Regina]  _ I’d really like to see you before I leave, but if you’d rather have your space, it’s okay. If I don’t get to see you, I can leave your stuff at the shelter so you’ll have it back _

 

[Regina]  _ I hope you’re alright. You’re really special, Emma, even if you don’t think so. XX _

Emma tries typing out a message, but she deletes it. She tries again, and she deletes that one too. She tries for different versions of “I want to see you” and “I just need space” and “It’s gonna be fine” and “I miss you so much already and you’re not even gone” but nothing feels right and she lets all of it disappear until finally, she’s too tired to try anymore. She crawls back to her bed and lets sleep finally take her.

When her eyes flicker open, squinting at the sunlight streaming in, her first thought is about food. Breakfast. Something she hasn’t thought about in months and hasn’t had in even longer. She’s not sure where it’s coming from until she’s imagining her and Regina out for breakfast together, and by the time that thought is crossing her mind, everything from the previous day is as well, and she’s scrambling for her phone, trying to figure out what time it is.

Surely it’s early. She couldn’t have slept for twelve hours, no way. 

And she didn’t sleep for twelve hours, she slept for thirteen. She almost runs out the door without her shoes again, but she remembers at the last minute and slips son the nearest pair before grabbing her jacket and running to Snow’s, not even considering driving.

She’s sweating through the cold when she throws the door open, and it doesn’t occur to her that Regina probably isn’t here until Ruby looks up at her with a raised eyebrow and says “You don’t work until later. Don’t you want to say goodbye to Regina? She’s going to the airport any minute now.”

“What?” Emma pants, catching her breath, “She’s not here?” she asks, even though she already knows.

“No, she explained everything yesterday, but Mary Margaret told me she was here this morning. She’s probably packing now. You might be able to catch her if you leave now, but you’d be cutting it close.” Ruby eyes Emma, taking in her frazzled state. “Wait, you ran here, didn’t you?” 

“Yeah,” Emma says, collapsing into a chair in the office. “So, I don’t think I’ll make it to her dorm before she leaves.”

“Well, maybe she’ll stop by.”

“Not if she already did,” Emma sighs. 

“You can text her?”

Emma’s eyes go wide, “I didn’t think about that. What the hell is wrong with me?” She stands to pull her phone from her pocket, but deflates when it isn’t there at all. “I must have left it in my room,” she mutters to herself, suddenly frustrated. “I have to go back. I need to text her, I… Shit.”

“Emma, Emma, hey. It’s okay. She’s only gonna be gone a week, and you’ll still be able to talk to her.” But Emma is pacing, ready to run again. “What’s going on with you guys? Everything okay?”

“Yeah, it’s okay. Listen, Rubes, I’ll talk about it later, okay? I’ve gotta run again.” She’s out the door before she can catch Ruby’s response.

_ Regina, I can’t do this _ .

That cannot be the last thing she says to her before she leaves. It can’t be.

She nearly trips on the run back, but otherwise makes it back in good time. Despite feeling on the verge of fainting, she’s sure she still has a chance to call Regina, but when she gets to her phone, it’s dead, and by the time it’s plugged in and charged enough to power up and make a call, Regina’s flight is about to leave.

“Fuck,” Emma mutters to herself, and she moves to place her head in her hands when something on the floor catches her eye, a paper that looks like it was slid under the door. 

She scrambles to it, sitting on the floor as she opens it to see Regina’s handwriting.  _ Emma, I hope everything’s okay. I came by to see you, and I thought you might be here because your car was in the parking lot, but maybe I missed you, or maybe you’re asleep, or maybe you don’t want to talk to me. It’s fine. I just wanted you to know that I care about you, and I can’t wait for this week to be over so I can see you again. Kissing you will be my motivation, how I’ll survive this week. We won’t be able to text while I’m overseas but you can still message me on Facebook, so please do. Yours, Regina _

_ Yours, Regina _ . The words staple themselves into Emma’s mind, right next to  _ Regina, I can’t do this _ , and if Emma needed any more motivation to message the brunette immediately, that would be it.

She types the message, but spends an hour working on it, rewriting it, deleting parts and adding others, before scrapping the whole thing and starting over. She finally ends up with something simple, and she finally sends it, hoping that it’s good enough, hoping she’s good enough.

When she has to go back to Snow’s for work, she opts out of driving again, hoping that the walk will make her feel better about everything, and when it doesn’t, she hopes spending time with the dogs will help, and when that doesn’t, she hopes actually eating some food with Ruby and Mary Margaret will help, and when that doesn’t, she hopes sleep will help. But as she drifts off, she knows what she needs is Regina.

For the first time, Emma really thinks making changes to her life is possible. 

She thinks she can, with Regina’s help.

She just needs to open up


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions of self harm and suicide

Regina waits for one hour.

_ One hour _ of pacing just to keep from running out after Emma.  _ One hour _ of keeping her phone out of reach so she doesn’t overwhelm the blonde by calling her fifty thousand times.  _ One hour _ until she decides she’s waited long enough.

She’s stepping out the door when her phone rings in her hand and she nearly jumps out of her skin. A smile of relief spreads across her face, but it isn’t enough to ease the dread and worry still pooling in her gut. “Emma?” she answers on the second ring, not even bothered to see if the call is actually coming from the blonde.

There’s a long silence in the other end that makes Regina’s heart pound before a voice finally speaks, and not only is it  _ not _ Emma, it’s also the last person Regina wants to talk to. “No, dear. It’s your mother. Really, I thought you would be smart enough to look and see who the call was from first. They didn’t advance technology for nothing, you know.”

“Mother,” Regina says through gritted teeth. “Can I please call you back? I have something important to take care of.”

Cora laughs, a sound lacking humor and interest. “Sorry, dear, are you at the hospital? See, this is why I wanted to have your schedule, so these kinds of things wouldn’t happen.”

“No… I’m not, but I still have something important that--”

“Is someone dying?”

The question was sarcastic at best, but even so, it leaves a sour taste in her mouth, another harsh reminder of her worst fears about what could be going on with Emma and what happened with Daniel.

She doesn’t know how to answer. The likely answer is  _ no _ , but that just means her mother wins over all of her time. It doesn’t matter either way because her mother takes her silence as an answer and continues with an uppity hum. “Good. I need to talk to you.”

With a silent groan, Regina slams her door shut in frustration and marches to the bed, collapsing onto it and preparing herself for whatever stupid conversation her mother wants to have. She’s anticipating something about her class schedule for the next semester, anything about school really. Maybe some guilt tripping about choosing  _ volunteering _ over  _ her _ . (Her mother had never said it, but Regina knew that, hospital or not, her mother thought an unpaid internship was a waste of time.)

But what her mother says is far from her expectations, and she sits up so fast it makes her dizzy. “What!?”

“Regia, please, don’t be melodramatic.  _ I said _ that your flight for England leaves tomorrow morning. 11:00 EST. The ticket is in your email.”

“I heard you, but…” Regina sputters for a moment in disbelief. “I  _ can’t _ go. I have volunteering, I have…” she trails off, thinking of Emma. She has  _ Emma. _ “I can’t go,” Regina says once more.

Cora sighs, “You’re coming here for a week. It’s happening. I already talked to your friend Mal at the hospital. She said they would survive without you for a week.” Regina snorted. “Oh, don’t be like that. It’s not very becoming. I’ll see you when you arrive. Someone will be at the airport to drive you here.”

“But--’

“Stop that,” Cora snaps. “Is it really so bad to see your family for a week at Christmas? Your friends will survive, I’m sure. Your phone will be cut off, but you can still talk to them on that website Zelena’s always trying to get me to join,” she says, her voice threaded with distaste. “If you miss the flight, I’ll know. It won’t be good, darling, trust me. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

When the call is disconnected, Regina groans audibly and throws herself back down on the bed, struggling to figure out what to do, what to say. The first thing she does is call Emma. She doesn’t think the blonde will answer, but she tries anyway. She needs her to know what’s happening, even if Emma really doesn’t want to talk to her. 

The call rings before going to voicemail.  _ Okay, it’s on. Maybe it’s on silent. Or maybe she really is avoiding me… _ Regina puts the thought out of her mind as she types out a message to Emma, hoping that she’ll at least see it and know what’s going on. The last thing she wants is for Emma to think she’s bailing on her.

The next thing she does is call Mary Margaret, briefly explaining everything. The woman is very understanding, and everything is going to be fine, since she’s volunteering the next semester as well. She tells Emma as much, just in case.

She waits another minute, haunted by the idea that she might not get to see Emma at all, and while she wants the other girl to make the choice, she can’t just not try. She sends Emma one more text, vowing that it’ll be the last. 

Regina spends the rest of the night in a weird blend of sadness and panic, and packing for this stupid trip is likely the only thing really holding her together. 

Why’d her mother have to wait until the last minute to tell her? And  _ of course _ it had to occur when Emma needed her most. Well, maybe. She couldn’t tell if Emma was withdrawing from everyone and needed Regina to follow her into the dark or if she was trying to escape, not wanting or needing Regina to be a part of it.

She’d texted her, she’d called her, but she’d still gotten no response. She’d tried to leave Mary Margaret and Ruby out of it this time, not wanting anyone pestering Emma if all the blonde wanted was space.

But this was hard. She was leaving for a week, she hadn’t heard from Emma, and most of her thoughts are a string of horrible  _ what ifs _ and attempts to keep some of her darker memories at bay. The packing was helping with that too, as well as the hope that her phone could go off any minute with a message from Emma. 

Sleeping that night is nearly impossible. She dozes off for a few others here and there but wakes up when she starts to dream. She’d rather be awake than see what her subconscious is trying to show her. 

Eventually she gives up, distracting herself with mindless TV to fill the silence while she cleans her already clean room. The only things that aren’t in their proper place is her suitcase and all its contents, and even more upsetting, Emma’s shoes and things that she’d left behind when she fled the room. Regina wants to make a place for them, but she told Emma she’d take them to Snow’s. 

She paces the room until it’s suddenly an hour before she has to leave, and she still hasn’t heard from Emma.  _ What if her phone’s off?  _ And that’s when she realizes that being overseas will mean that she can’t text Emma--  _ Emma can’t text her _ .

She decides two things at the last minute. The first is that she’s going to go by Emma’s dorm before she leaves. The second is that all of Emma’s stuff will go to Snow’s as promised, with the exception of her beanie, which Regina is selfishly going to take to England with her.

The first place she goes is Snow’s, leaving Emma’s stuff. Ruby gives her a curious look when she puts it in the office, but Regina shrugs, evading a proper explanation. “I told her it would be here. I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to see her before I leave.”

“You’re not going to go by to see her?”

Regina nods, “I want to. But she hasn’t texted me, so I’m thinking she must be asleep.” She wants to ask if they’ve heard from her, but she doesn’t want them to worry. Besides, she’ll hopefully talk to Emma herself fairly soon. 

“I’m sure she’ll want to see you, Regina. She does tend to sleep late, but she knows you’re leaving I’m sure she’ll want to see you.”

Regina latches onto those words, immediately perking up. “She does?” she asks, in betrayal to herself, indicating to Ruby and Mary Margaret that she hasn’t heard from Emma in hours.

Mary Margaret’s forehead creases, “You did tell her, didn’t you?”

“Oh, yeah, of course I did. I just…” she trails off. “I should go. I have to be at the airport soon. I’ll see you in a week,” Regina concludes with a wave and a forced smile. She walks out, hearing their  _ goodbyes _ and  _ have funs _ follow her through the front door.

She climbs back into her car, still warm from when she first left it, and drives to Emma’s dorm, sighing when she sees her bright yellow bug in the parking lot.  _ She must be here _ . 

The brunette makes her way inside, and up to Emma’s door, knocking a few times, but getting no answer. She listens, but hears no movement from behind the door. She frowns to herself, trying not to let her brain run wild with every possible fear. She calls once, but doesn’t hear Emma’s phone, a sign she can either see as good (maybe Emma isn’t here) or bad (what if something’s wrong?) but she tries to see the good. 

She would wait around, but she doesn’t have the time. If she misses her flight, everything will only be made worse. She rummages through her bag for a pen and paper, smiling a little to herself remembering the time she’d done the same when she left Emma her number. 

She thinks carefully about what she wants to say before starting to write, walking the fine line of expressing her feelings and her concerns but not pushing it too much. She slides the note under Emma’s door without hesitation, counting to ten before willing herself to turn and walk away.

She holds everything together well enough until she’s on the plane. She’d checked her phone so many times that it died in her hands shortly after boarding, and once the plane starts moving, Regina realizes that she has nothing left to distract her from her thoughts, so worried about dealing with everything before she left that now that it’s happening, she’s unprepared. 

She picks her knees up to her chest, leaning against the wall of the plane and gazing out the window next to her, watching as the ground becomes smaller and she moves farther away from Emma.

For a moment, her mind settles into a pleasant silence. Her exhaustion is finally catching up to her, and she thinks that if she can make herself comfortable, she’ll be able to sleep. She tries not to think about anything but her memories of Emma, holding her in her arms, kissing her on the balcony, the way her eyes crinkle when she smiles at Regina, looking at her like she’s never been more content anywhere else, and she lets herself drift off, hoping her sleep will be peaceful and last the whole trip.

It isn’t.

Her dreams are haunted by memories she had tried to let go of, memories of Daniel, her best friend from high school, the things she could never forgive herself for, the things she’s afraid will happen again, but the dream plays out, vivid and full, and her unconscious mind hold her into it as everything replays behind her eyelids.

* * *

 

_ Regina hated high school. She was considered  _ popular _ , but only because everyone knew her older sister, and her mother had always made sure to throw Regina these extravagant birthday parties, inviting everyone. But she wasn’t really friends with any of these people. _

_ The only one she cared about at all was Daniel. They’d met freshman year, on the first day of school in an art class that Regina had somehow worked into her schedule against her mother’s back.  _

_ They became friends instantly, and she never felt like she had to pretend around him. With everyone else, she was held to a certain standard, expected to act a certain way, but with him she just  _ was.

_ Cora didn’t like it of course.  _ “Regina, he comes from a poor family. If you’re going to date anyone it should be someone more...suitable.” _ Of course Regina had just rolled her eyes, laughing at the idea. She didn’t want to  _ date _ Daniel. And besides, she didn’t care what kind of family he came from, just like he didn’t care about where she came from. _

_ They spent a lot of time talking, opening up about their issues, but it never went  _ too _ deep, just deep enough. Regina knew that there were things about Daniel that he kept from her, but she had no reason to push him. After all, she knew what it was liked to be pushed, and she didn’t want to be like her mother. _

_ Over the years, their friendship only grew, but Regina noticed that something was wrong about a few weeks into their senior year. Daniel withdrew more, pulling away from her, and he always brushed it off with a smile. She suspected it wasn’t real, but she had no reason not to trust him.  _

_ There were red flags along the way. She would put her hand on his arm and he would flinch back, a far off look on his face that let her know it had less to do with her and more to do with him. He would skip out on doing the things they used to. He didn’t answer her texts as much, and he would just tell her he was focusing more on school. His grades dropped. She offered to tutor him, and he told her he was doing okay. _

_ It was all so gradual at the time, that it didn’t worry her as much as it should have, and it didn’t help that her mother kept pulling her further and further away from him. She wanted Regina to fill out all these early admission applications to colleges, complete scholarship forms, and take on all these extracurricular activities that would enhance her resume.  _

_ The way Cora went about it didn’t give Regina much of a choice, so she did everything her mother asked her, and before long, the only time she ever saw Daniel was in class. _

_ It was a Thursday night, close to exam week before the semester ended, and the pressure Regina felt was higher than ever. Her mother was on her ass about deadlines, somehow finding more places Regina needed to apply, even though she already knew which choice she wanted to make. She’d had enough, and had snapped at her mother. “I’ve applied to so many places already, Mother. Isn’t that enough?” _

_ “Regina, when are you going to learn? Nothing is enough.” _

_ Regina scoffed shaking her head. “I’m not doing it,” she had said, standing firm, ignoring the fuming look her mother had directed at her. “I’m going to the library to study for my exams. I’ll be back before curfew,” she said as she grabbed her bag, her books, and walked out, not looking back before getting in her car. _

_ She had just started it up when she heard her phone ringing in her pocket. Thinking it was her mother, she scoffed again and ended the call without even looking. It rang again a moment later, and she did the same.  _

_ When she got to the library, it rang a third time, and she groaned, “I don’t have time for this, Mother,” she mumbled to herself, turning her phone off without so much as a glance. _

_ She was surprised when her mother didn’t follow her to the library, and when she was able to get all her work done without the woman busting in to disturb her and drag her home, but it was a win, really.  _

_ Regina packed her bags up, about to head home early, when she heard the library phone ringing. She tensed, horrified for a moment that it was her mother going to excessive lengths to contact her, but when the librarian’s face became a mix of shock and horror, Regina decided it wasn’t for her. Hopefully everything was okay, she thought, as she heard a sob escape the woman’s lips behind her. _

_ When she got to her car, she didn’t turn on her phone. She’d be home soon enough anyway, and she didn’t need to hear whatever voicemails her mother left her when she would be getting the real deal shortly. _

_ Her house was quiet when she walked in, and her mother wasn’t charging at her, which Regina thought couldn’t be a good sign. She decided to seek the woman out, a sinking feeling coursing through her. “Mother?”  _

_ “In here, Regina,” Cora said from her study.  _

_ Regina walked in, moving slow, her unease only growing at the serious look on her mother’s face. She gestured at the chair across from her desk. “Regina, where is your phone? I tried to call you.” _

_ In answer, the brunette pulled it from her bag where she’d put it after turning it off. Cora held her hand out. “You can have this back when you learn that I know what’s best for you.” Regina was too tired to fight, so she just let out a heavy sigh. “What do you say, Regina?” _

_ “Yes, ma’am,” Regina grumbled. _

_ “Good, girl. Now please go upstairs. Tomorrow’s going to be a long day and you need your rest.” _

_ As she trudged upstairs, she knew it really would be. Her mother was likely going to make her do the applications she skipped out on tonight, not to mention she still had homework and was expected to attend the football game that night. _

_ She settled into bed, hoping that the day would transcend her expectation of it.  _

_ It did. _

_ Just not for the better. _

_ She drove to school that morning in the cold and rainy weather.  _ What a great start _ , she thought bitterly to herself. As usual, she got there early, so most of the student body hadn’t arrived, which meant that at least the parking was good. _

_ The second she stepped into the building though, something felt off. Wrong. She couldn’t place it, but it was almost like the world had shifted and she hadn’t moved with it. Of course, that was ridiculous. She was on the same page as everyone else. Nothing had changed since the last time she was here, though the pitying looks she got from the faculty started to make her question it.  _

_ Her classmates started arriving, and they gave her the same looks. Regina started avoiding looking at anyone, starting to get weirded out by it all, so she looked down whenever anyone’s head turned to her, which was an uncomfortable amount of times. _

_ Finally, she’d had it. She didn’t understand, so she decided to go to Daniel’s homeroom. Maybe he would know, or at the very least, she’d have someone to talk to about it, to figure it out with. She still had ten minutes before the first bell anyways. _

_ On the way to the classroom, she continued to get more looks, which she ignored, but when the guidance counselor stepped in front of her, the brunette had to pay her attention. “Excuse me,” she muttered, hoping to avoid whatever interaction this was about to be. _

_ Instead of moving, the woman gave her the same look as the rest of the school and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Regina, would you like to step into my office,” she said with a sad smile that was likely intended to be comforting, but all it did was make Regina confused and slightly uncomfortable. _

_ “No? I’m fine…” _

_ “What you’re going through must be rough… I can’t even imagine. Denial is completely normal, but I’m worried--” _

_ “Hold on,” Regina interrupted her, shaking her head. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not going through  _ anything _. There’s nothing for me to deny. I’m sorry, Ms. Connor, I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m trying to talk to Daniel before homeroom.” _

_ Ms. Connor’s eyes went wide for a moment as her hand flew to her mouth, muffling a gasp. Regina stopped trying to push past her, halted by the broken emotion in her eyes as they actually started to fill with tears. Regina wasn’t sure what to make of it, but she was definitely more on edge than she had been earlier. _

_ “You don’t even know…” the woman whispered. _

_ The brunette shifted nervously on her feet. “Know what?” _

_ Ms. Connor let out a small sob into her hand, before leading Regina into her office. She didn’t know what to do but follow her. Today was just getting stranger, and if she couldn’t tell Daniel about it now, she certainly would be in second period biology, especially once she found out what this mess was about. _

_ She imagined jokes about the woman losing her mind or theories of her being pregnant or just being extra sensitive. She imagined the ridiculous things she and Daniel would speculate she was crying about. But something still felt off, like a time she didn’t want to speak too soon. _

_ “Daniel’s dead.” _

_ The words hit her like the punch line to a bad joke. _

_ “You’re lying,” she said, daring the woman to try telling her that her best friend was dead. He wasn’t. There was no way. _

_ The woman had completely broken down into tears, her head bobbing every which way like she can’t decide whether to shake her head or nod. “Regina, I’m not lying to you. I thought you knew. He…” But she trailed off, unable to finish. _

_ Regina felt her heart drop, and it kept sinking lower, heavy with the fear that this wasn’t a dream, that Ms. Connor was telling the truth, that Daniel… _

_ “How,” Regina asked, surprised at how thick her voice was. She hadn’t even started crying yet. _

_ Ms. Connor shook her head, sobbing beyond the point of words, too overwhelmed to speak. “I thought you… I can’t…” Regina didn’t know what to say. She just stared at the woman until she finally picked up a folder in front of her and passed it to Regina, “It’s all there… God, I thought you knew,” she managed before standing. “I’ll give you a moment.” _

_ Regina didn’t open the folder until she heard the door click shut, and even then, she waited a moment, hoping she would wake up, but nothing happened except that she only became more and more aware of her place in this chair, in the school, in the world.  _

_ She remembered the way she thought the whole world had shifted. _

_ Little did she know, it had. _

_ She opened the file, her eyes immediately catching on the word  _ suicide _. She shook her head down at it, refusing to believe it. She remembered he had brought it up before, depression. He’d told her sometimes the weight of it all felt like too much, but he didn’t want to be the kind of person who gave up. Regina had smiled at him, telling him that she believed in him, but she would be here for him, always. _

_ She fought back a sob as she skimmed the file, desperately hoping that this was just some fucked up joke, even though everything was telling her it wasn’t. The time was marked as somewhere between 6:27pm and 6:45pm yesterday, the same time Regina had left for the library. _

_ She turned the page in the file, hoping she wasn’t going to see what she thought she would, but it was there anyways. Daniel hadn’t left a note. The closest he came to doing so were his final text messages, printed out and left in the folder, and the minute just before Regina looked at them was the minute she realized that the calls she had hung up on weren’t from her mother. _

_ The tears were streaming down her face as she read the messages meant for her, Daniel’s last words, for the first time. He sent a short message first ( _ sorry, u must be busy)  _ before the long one the file referred to as his  _ note _. He said that these feelings weren’t new, they’d been around forever,  _ haunting him.  _ He said that he didn’t see anything getting better, making it to one point only meant he had another one to get to, that things might be okay one day but they would never stay that way. _

_ He said he’d been thinking about this for a long time. _

_ He said he knew this was the right choice. _

_ He said he was sorry. _

_ The last message was the one that broke Regina the most. Addressing her directly, it was the last thing he said, the last thing he would ever say, and she’d missed it. She said she would be there for him, but when he needed her the most, she’d fucking missed it. _

Regina, I can’t do this.

_ It had only been a text, but she could hear his voice in her mind saying his last words. They bounced through her mind and tore through her heart, and they didn’t stop. They got loud, crowding her mind in that small office.  _

_ They sent her home, and the words followed her.  _

_ She went to his funeral, but all she could hear were those words. _

Regina, I can’t do this.

_ They were always there, even when she wasn’t thinking about them directly, screaming in the background, a constant reminder that she lost her best friend, that she let him down in the worst of ways, that some things couldn’t be fixed no matter how much she wanted it, and if she could do anything to make up for it, she would. _

* * *

When Regina wakes up, her cheeks are stained with tears, and she brushes them away, ignoring the odd look she’s getting from the person next to her. She clears her throat and sits up, trying to gauge how much of the flight is left, but her dream is still present in her mind, and Daniel’s words still echo with it, only this time they don’t just belong to him, they belong to Emma as well.

She tries to keep herself from slipping into total panic, seeing as there’s nothing she can do right now, but all she can think about is Emma, withdrawing herself and running away, flinching and pulling away from Regina, both physically and emotionally, and her brain can’t stop from making the obvious connections between Emma and Daniel. The red flags she wished she saw with Daniel, are screaming at her with Emma, and the last thing she wants is to let anyone else down the way she did Daniel. Especially Emma.

Fortunately, the flight is nearing its end, and she’ll be able to charge her phone. Hopefully Emma will have seen her note and messaged her.

But it doesn’t go quite like Regina anticipated.

There’s a stiff man in a stuff suit waiting for her with a sign, printed in her name. She rolls her eyes as she walks towards him because  _ of course _ her own mother wouldn’t pick her up from the airport. There’s another long time spent in silence, Regina still phoneless and left to her thoughts, still haunted by the memory of Daniel and the anticipation of trying to contact Emma. 

When they arrive at the house, Regina groans. All the lights are on. And here, she was hoping the late hour would have been a perfect escape to the room she usually stays in. It’s her late grandmother’s house, left to Cora after her death, and the woman uses it now for holiday. It’s huge, so naturally, everyone her mother knows gets invited, and she can already tell the house is full of people.

Before Regina opens the door, she can hear everyone’s voices, trying to talk over each other in discordant conversation, but it’s mostly silenced by the time the door is opened, everyone’s eyes falling to Regina.

Cora is the first over, a fake smile stretched across her face as she reaches for the hug everyone expects her to offer. “Regina, dear.”

“Mother,” Regina says, returning the hug out of obligation, eyeing the room and estimating the time until she’s able to try to contact Emma. “I’m going to go put my stuff upstairs…”

“Nonsense, Regina. Art can carry it, can’t you, Art?” the stiff suit man nods and starts upstairs.

“No, um… I wanted to, so I could freshen up. I slept on the plane, and I’m sure I look…”

“Alright, fine,” Cora interrupts. But please don’t take all night. We’ll be off to bed soon, but not until we’ve seen you.”

“I thought you didn’t like to stay up this late.”

“When did I say that?” her mother challenges, taking a nervous glance at the family and friends around the room. Regina doesn’t answer, knowing her mother wouldn’t want her to. “Anyway, you’ll be staying in the same room as usual, though this year, you’ll be sharing it with your cousin, Jessica.

Regina fights off a groan. Jessica is her second or third (or whatever) cousin, sixteen years old and as bad as Cora. She glances to the next room where Jessica sits, texting and smacking her gum. “Fine, I’ll be right back,” Regina says through gritted teeth.

The first thing she does when she gets upstairs is plug in her phone before “freshening up,” which at this point just means distracting herself until her phone has enough charge before turning it on. As the glow of the screen starts up, her mother shouts at her from downstairs, and she’s forced to leave her phone, leave the possibility of Emma, and follow her mother’s request.

She counts the minutes until she can finally go upstairs, running past Jessica into the room and grabbing her phone. Her cousin rolls her eyes like she wasn’t just texting her way through the night, more reliant on her phone than Regina is on a normal day. But there are no new notifications. 

Her heart sinks, and she tries for a new message to Emma before scrapping it. What if Emma didn’t see her note? Maybe she’s still at work? Maybe she texted Regina and she won’t get the message until she returns to the states.  _ Oh god. _ It isn’t easy, but Regina puts her phone away, deciding to give her the rest of the day. 

She’s worried, but she knows that Emma has people looking out for her. If something had happened, Regina would know, right? She sends a message to Ruby, asking how Emma is. Depending on the answer, she’ll try again tomorrow.

The brunette crawls into bed, emotionally spent and exhausted. She falls asleep easier this time, hoping that she won’t have another memory based nightmare this time, and if she dreams at all, it will be of Emma’s smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was a tough one, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter!


	13. Chapter 13

When Emma wakes up the next morning, she’s still groggy, and as she lies and stares up at the ceiling the events of the previous day come back to her, still a blur. Thinking about missing Regina makes her want to bury her face in her hands and lie in bed all day. She could if she wanted to. She could call in sick, and even though they would know she wasn’t _actually_ sick, neither of them would say anything.

But it wouldn’t do her any good to stay in bed, thoughts circulating around until they’re spilling over. Work is a nice distraction, and of course, they need her there. Mary Margaret, Ruby, the dogs, and the cats. The holidays are both a good time and a bad time for the shelter. Plenty of people want to adopt a cute little pet for a Christmas gift, but at the same time, the older animals seem to recognize the odds of another year alone. Not to mention the post-holiday drop offs of unexpected or unwanted pet gifts.

Mary Margaret is usually really good at handling it, being good with people. It’s not that she _guilts_ people into keeping the pets, she just convinces them that the pet in question is the absolute _cutest thing_ and that loves them more than any other person that’s come in. It works, like some kind of Christmas miracle, and both the pet and their new owner leave with a smile on their face.

Today, with it being close to Christmas, is likely to be a good adoption day. Mary Margaret running the front, persuading people in her _Mary Margaret_ kind of way, while Emma hangs out with the older dogs, spoiling them with treats and making them feel special. It’s bittersweet for her, but she’s happy as long as she can keep their tails wagging.

So she reluctantly climbs out of bed to prepare for the day, noting that she doesn’t have any messages from Regina. _What time is it there_? She Googles the time difference (five hours), does the math (3:15pm), and puts her phone down, unsure of what to do.

Did Regina even get her last text? Had she already left? She must not have, if she hasn’t heard back. She opens her phone and looks at it, _Regina, I didn’t want to end things like that. I’m sorry for running out like that and that I didn’t get to see you. I wanted to, more than anything. Message me when you get there safe?”_

She opens facebook too, just to see if she’d missed something. The _active one hour ago_ haunts her, and even though she doesn’t know the circumstances, she can’t help but feel that this all falls on her. She does what she can to just not think about it and heads to the shelter early.

She wasn’t planning on talking to anyone about what’s on her mind, but when she walks in and her two managers look up at her with a concerned look and a “What’s wrong?” and an “Emma, are you okay?” She slumps into the chair her face in her hands.

“I don’t know. I’m worried I messed up…”

Mary Margaret rests a hand on hers, “Emma, do you want to talk about it? We have a bit of time, and we’re both here for you, as always.”

The blonde returns her soft smile. Of course they are. Emma doesn’t open up about everything, and there’s plenty that they don’t know, but she’s told them about a few things. Her past in the system, the stuff with Lily, as a way to explain why she closes herself off from people, as well as mental illness _in general_ . Mary Margaret has always been patient, reassuring her that no matter what affects people, they can still be their best selves, and not all the answers were meant to come right away. Ruby had been the same, smiling and reminding Emma that everyone has their issues. _We’re all trying to make it in this world together. You’re never alone._

So Emma takes a deep breath. “We kissed.” The two women in front of her exchange looks of shocked giddiness, and Emma smiles a little to herself at their excitement, but at the memory as well. “At that party. Me and Regina kissed.”

“But that’s good, isn’t it? Or is that the reason for how weird you were both acting the last couple of days…?”

“No, no,” Emma rushes to explain. “It was good. The kissing. It was… It was really nice,” she says, ducking her head to hide her blush. “But, some other stuff happened, and I, uh… I pushed her away. And I didn’t get to see her before she left. I think I messed up,” she admits with a sobering frown, fighting back the well of emotions she doesn’t want them to see.

“Have you talked to her?” Ruby asks.

“Well, I mean… I sent her a text before the plane was supposed to leave, but I don’t think she’s gotten it.”

“That’s it?” The taller brunette gives her a look.

“Um, yeah… cause I thought I messed up. Maybe she doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“Emma,” Mary Margaret starts, the voice of reason, “Do you think maybe you’re overthinking this? It could be that she doesn’t want to push you, or overwhelm you. I know she said she texted you and left you a note, so do you think it’s possible that she thinks _you_ don’t want to talk to _her_? I think you should message her.”

“Uh, yeah, I second that. She messaged me last night when I got home, asking how you were.”

Emma’s eyes widen. “She did? What’s you say?”

“I told her you had seemed really distant. I didn’t see you much yesterday so I didn’t feel qualified to answer, so I said I would talk to you about messaging her when I saw you next. Which, you know, is right now.”

“What’d she say back? Oh my god, she didn’t get my last message did she?”

“Emma, it’s fine. Just message her right now. Don’t make a big deal about it okay? I’m sure everything is okay.”

The blonde nods, but her head is spinning. She can feel the whole situation spiraling out of control, and she doesn’t think saying anything is going to fix it. Apologizing and explaining everything in her panicked state will only make her look pathetic, but saying something simple will make it look like she doesn’t care, right? The thought of either possibility going south is enough to make her want to not say anything at all, but that would  _ really _ not help, and besides, Emma really misses her.

 

[Emma] _hi gina. i hope you made it to england safe, and hopefully it’s going okay. i messaged you before you left but i don’t think it went through, so i’m sorry. apparently i slept for like, 12 hours, but I really wanted to see you before you left. i miss you. ok that’s all bye_

 

She shoves her phone back in her pocket almost as soon as the message sends, apprehensive of Regina’s reply. The minute she’s back in the office, both women are waiting for her. “Everything’s okay, I think,” the blonde nods.

Mary Margaret nods back before her face transforms into a sneaky grin, and Emma knows what’s coming. “Sooo, you guys kissed?” she asks, waggling her eyebrows more than Emma thinks is necessary, but the woman has her quirks.

“Um, yeah,” Emma says brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. “A few times, actually.”

“And it was good?” Mary Margaret’s grin widens and Emma’s does in response.

“Yeah… I really like her. She’s so sweet, and cute and soft and smart.”

“And she likes you.”

“Yeah, maybe…”

“I wasn’t asking,” Mary Margaret says with a grin.

Emma swallows, looking up at the woman. She can believe it, but she’s always so full of doubt. Hearing a third party saying it puts Emma at peace, at least a little bit. She nods. “Uh, I’m gonna get to work now,” she says as she ducks out of the office, smiling the minute she’s out and hoping that Mary Margaret knows what she’s talking about.

She’s too afraid to look at her phone right away, so she waits until she’s walked and fed all the dogs. She shuts the lights off in the main room and shuffles through the dark to one of the room’s couches, careful not to step on any dogs that have already made themselves comfortable on the cool floor.

Once she’s settled, at least two dogs on her lap, if only partially, she takes a deep breath and looks at her phone. A grin spreads across her face when she sees that Regina’s messaged her back, and she opens it immediately.

 

[Regina] _It’s okay, Emma! I understand. I’m glad you got some sleep, and hopefully you’re doing okay? I miss you too, so much, you have no idea. It’s… interesting here, to say the least. I wish I could have stayed there instead._

 

Emma smiles down at her phone. What time is it there now? Probably around dinner time, she figures after doing some quick math.

 

[Emma] _i wish you could have too, but you’ll be back soon right? i’m guessing it’s bad interesting? do you want to talk about it? sorry, that’s a lot of questions. things here are okay. i’m at work now, which is pretty much all i have planned for the holidays. kinda sad but i don’t mind it_

Emma puts her phone away, allowing herself to relax in the dark alongside the dogs. Maybe she should take a nap too. She spends most of the hour thinking back over everything, trying to keep in mind that she’s shouldn’t worry too much about what happened. Regina misses her and still wants to spend time with her. She can still move forward.

By the time her day is coming to a close, she hasn’t heard from Regina, and since she’s probably already asleep, she likely won’t talk to her until tomorrow, if then. It’s Christmas Eve, so anything could be going on.

She ends up just falling asleep.

* * *

 

When Regina wakes up on Christmas Eve, she hopes today won’t be the usual Mills family Christmas, but when the first thing she hears is her annoying cousin shouting at her mom through the door to _shut the fuck up_ followed by an angry Cora barging in, thinking it was Regina who’d been yelling, she loses all hope.

The previous day, Cora had made her feel guilty for using her phone, so Regina had been forced to surrender it. She wasn’t sure when Cora would let her have it back. It was just sitting there, and Regina knew she was free to use it, but she’d have to deal with Cora’s repercussions, whatever those would be.

When her mother excuses herself to the restroom, Regina subtly sneaks over to it, smiling at Emma’s message. Just the fact that it’s there at all makes her day.

 

[Regina] _I’ll be back on the 26th, probably that night, but not too late. I’ll tell you all about it when I get back. My mother is monitoring my phone use, so I’m sorry for the late response. I’ll talk to you when I can, okay? Merry Christmas! Xxx_

 

“Regina!” Her mother’s sharp voice around the corner makes her drop her phone so fast that it almost falls off the table. “Who is so important that you have to be talking to them instead of your family?” From over her shoulder, a few family members smirk and Regina doesn’t even _want_ to know.

“A friend…” she mumbles, walking away just to avoid any more questions.

But that’s all she gets for the rest of the day. Most are about college, which are easy enough to answer. Her major is set and determined, the whole pre-med thing is on course, so she doesn’t even have to lie about school.

Not until Cora says, “Oh, she’s volunteering at a hospital. I told her it would be a good idea to start early.” It’s no doubt a way to make _her_ look good, but that’s when Regina’s automated responses start to become less rehearsed.

Nothing goes wrong, but it all gets old really fast. She wishes she could talk about things with them that actually mattered. The shelter, or her dreams for herself rather than her mother’s dreams for her, anything besides what she has to talk about.

Someone mentions veterinary work and Regina is quick to perk up at hearing the word, but Cora shuts it down. “Veterinarians aren’t _really_ medical. They’re just people who couldn’t handle pre-med.” Regina boils inside, but she can’t even comment. “And animal shelters are the same. Run by people who couldn’t make it doing anything else, people that can only get love from animals,” her mother says with a roll of her eyes.

It’s so ridiculous that Regina has to say something. “That’s not true.” All eyes go to her, and she blushes, looking away from everyone. She wants them all to drop it, but when they don’t and the silence only makes it all more awkward, Regina finally has to continue. “I have a friend who works at an animal shelter. I’ve… visited her there, and it’s not like that.”

Cora just hums, moving on. She’s upset at Regina for embarrassing her, but Regina doesn’t care how much she ignores her so long as the subject’s changed. She’s daydreaming of ways to stand up to them when the front door flies open, and her older sister’s voice rings through the whole first floor. Regina doesn’t even get up to say hi. She’ll go when all the other family have scattered.

They don’t scatter.

She doesn’t even see Zelena until they’re all around the table for dinner, and by that time, Regina has had enough of listening to them all talking about how proud they are of her and how happy she is at her _big girl_ job. She loves her sister, but their dynamic has been off ever since Regina started applying for colleges.

“So, Regina. Got a boyfriend yet?” Zelena asks her across the table. A few family members look to her with interest.

“Yes, Regina, do tell.”

Regina grits her teeth, “No, but…”

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll get one in no time,” one of her aunts says, interrupting her before going off on a tangent about when she started dating in college and how she met her husband there, and the conversation quickly turns into some heteronormative, age-based competition.

Zelena smirks, ignoring the conversation that she somehow transcends. “You said ‘but?’” she asks Regina.

“What?”

“I asked if you had a boyfriend, and you said ‘no, but’...”

“Oh.” Regina doesn’t know where she was planning on going with that, sure that she couldn’t just talk about Emma so casually during their family dinner. Not that they’re even dating. Or are they? No. They’ve kissed, but nothing is official. “I don’t know, Zelena,” she sighs. “Maybe I just meant there’s someone, and we’re not really… together, yet.”

Her aunt jumps in excitement that while her mother just looks at her with wide eyes. “Don’t worry. It’ll all happen in good time,” her aunt tells her. “Soon enough you’ll be married and having kids.” Cora glares at her. “And working on the hospital as a doctor of course.”

Regina holds back a sigh. “What if I’m with someone and can’t have kids with them?” She asks cautiously. It could mean a lot of things, but she really means it in regards to sexuality.

In the end it doesn’t matter because Cora scoffs. “That’s absurd, Regina, we both know that’s not going to happen.”

She doesn’t even justify that with an answer.

* * *

 

Emma’s Christmas Eve doesn’t consist of much. She doesn’t work until later, so she spends her morning being lazy in her dorm room. She goes to work and it’s the same as usual, her taking care of the dogs in the back and getting them ready for anyone looking to rescue.

After, she joins Mary Margaret and Ruby at Ruby’s grandmother’s for a home cooked meal, which Emma loves, at least in theory. “I’ve never had anyone cook for me before, thank you so much,” she says, nibbling at her food enough to not be suspicious. It’s the most she’s eaten at once in a while, and she’s using the festivities as a distraction.

“How’s school, Emma?” Granny asks, a genuine smile on her face.

“It’s really good. I’m taking some cool classes next semester. Figure drawing, jewelry and metals… and of course, I’m still working at the shelter.”

“Ooh, Granny, we have a new volunteer! Mary Margaret grins. “She and Emma get along really well.”

Granny’s eyebrows shoot up. “Is that so?”

Blushing, Emma looks down, “Uh, yeah. Her name’s Regina.”

“Maybe one day I can meet her. Is she really special?”

The blonde’s blush deepens. “Well, _I_ think so.”

“That’s what matters,” the older woman says, eyes bright. “Young love. So wonderful.”

Emma nods, smiling to herself, hoping Regina’s having a good Christmas Eve.

She’s having a great time, but when Granny announces that she’s made pie for dessert, Emma has to excuse herself. It’s hard to come up with a good way out, but being tired is always a good go-to, and they don’t fight her too much on it.

The reality is that her stomach hurts, and she’s frustrated at herself for eating as much as she did, but she’s _trying_ to get better. She can’t have fresh cuts when Regina gets back, especially when the most recent ones have started healing. It’ll be hard enough to talk to Regina about this stuff as it is.

When she gets to her dorm, the first thing she does is take a cold shower. It’s enough to take her mind off of wanting to self harm, any number she would have cut becomes a number of seconds standing directly under the faucet as it shoots cold water at her.

When she gets out, she feels better, so she bundles up in a sweatshirt and a blanket and pulls out her journal. She ignores her past entries, knowing they would only upset her. She’s trying to be happy, and she thinks she’s at a point where she can ask for help.

Turning to the first blank page, she lists out the things she thinks she needs help with. She puts a check next to the ones she feels comfortable telling Regina about now, and an X by the ones that she doesn’t. She starts thinking about how to say what she wants, and it leaves her itching to talk to Regina about it _now_ , but she can’t because messaging is not enough for something so serious, and also, Regina’s definitely asleep.

She realizes she hasn’t checked her phone all day, either, so she does. Regina’s first message makes her worry. She deserves a great Christmas, but is her mother making it too bad? The second makes her heart soar.

 

[Regina] _Emma, I just wanted to check in. Make sure you’re okay? We don’t have to talk about anything you’re not comfortable with, but I do want you to know that I worry about you. I don’t want to push you, on anything. I care about you, but I don’t want it to be too much._

 

She answers even though she knows Regina won’t get it until tomorrow.

 

[Emma] _it’s not too much. it makes me smile that you care about me. i feel the same about you too regina. i actually want to talk to you about some stuff when you come back…it’s not bad. well, i guess it is, but it’s good to talk about. does that make sense?_

 

[Emma] _merry christmas, by the way :)_

 

To Emma’s surprise, Regina responds within minutes.

 

[Regina] _It does make sense. Whatever you need, Emma. You know I’m here for you :)_

 

[Emma] _i know :) what are you doing up?_

 

[Regina] _I might have snuck downstairs to talk to you…_

 

[Emma] _you rebel ;)_

 

[Regina] _Really, you have no idea. I’ll tell you when I get back though. I don’t want to say too much here, just in case._

 

[Regina] _How was your night?_

 

[Emma] _it’s been good. ruby’s granny cooked dinner so i went over there. she’s really sweet, you’ll have to go with me to meet her sometime :) how was yours? apart from, you know, stuff?_

 

[Regina] _Not much past that, really. I miss you. Does that count?_

 

[Regina] _Thinking about seeing you again soon makes all of this more tolerable_

 

[Emma] _really? :)_

 

[Regina] _Really xx_

 

[Emma] _i love talking to you, but you should get some sleep, gina_

 

[Regina] _You should too…_

 

[Emma] _i will if you will_

 

[Regina] _You’ve got yourself a deal_

 

[Emma] _night, gina :)_

 

[Regina] _Merry Christmas, Emma_

 

Emma smiles to herself as she climbs into bed. She’s only becoming more and more sure that this is something she feels okay, and actively wants to, pursue. She’s still worried, but she has a good feeling about this one.

She’ll spend Christmas day at the shelter with Ruby and Mary Margaret and her favorite animals. Maybe tomorrow night she can work on something for Regina. Some kind of special art to give her as a Christmas gift.

Two more sleeps. Christmas day and then the next day. Two more sleeps, and she’ll see Regina again.


	14. Chapter 14

For all of Christmas Day, and most of today, Emma hadn’t spoken with Regina. She got a message when Regina had gotten to the airport, but she’d been at work, not having gotten it until later. What she’d wanted to do was find out when her flight landed or the time she should be back, so they could arrange to meet up, but when Emma left work to find that text, along with another that told her Regina’s flight was boarding, she was left to hope for the best.

She sends her a message, just in case, and is left to wait and hope that Regina stops by. 

While she waits, the first thing she does is shower, taking extra care to her leg as she treats it and bandages it. It’s almost healed by now, but she has to take care of herself, even if she didn’t before.

She goes over what she wants to say again, pulling out her journal and scribbling down some more specific notes. It almost doesn’t feel real. She never opens up to anyone like this. She’s never felt she could or that anyone was important enough, but something about Regina makes her feel strong enough. 

Sometimes it’s about herself. She won’t tell people because it involves letting her walls down, walls she’s spent so long trying to strengthen. Letting people in is more than just talking and finding a way to get them past it, it’s having to reshape the wall around the two of them, or three of them. Opening up to someone isn’t just a one time tour or something that can be retracted. It’s a whole other step forward in a new direction.

More often than not, Emma hates to open up not because of herself, but other people in general. Letting them past the wall is dangerous because it looks bigger from the other side. People want to help until they see just how serious it is, and then by the time they do, everything is already changed forever.

People can be genuine of course. Like Mary Margaret, for instance. She’s told her  _ some  _ things, but not everything. Emma knows that the woman wouldn’t abandon her or judge her, but she also isn’t sure that her reaction to some things would be completely positive. 

Of course, she’s talking about the self harm stuff. Mary Margaret wouldn’t react like Lily had. Not at all. But Emma was worried that the woman cared too much and a little too distantly, and she would be dragging Emma off to get her the help she needs. Emma  _ knows _ she needs the kind of help Mary Margaret would get her, but she isn’t ready for that right now. Not yet.

With Regina, she trusts that the other girl wouldn’t push her in any direction. She would understand not to do anything Emma wasn’t ready for. At least, she thought that was the case. She’s been very clear that she wasn’t going to push Emma. That she was going to be patient with her.

Emma believes that, but she’s still nervous.

She tries to keep calm and in a good headspace while she waits on Regina’s hopeful arrival, alternating between pacing and sitting with her journal open on her lap. A few times she thinks about taking back some of what she wants to say, but she knows that it’ll only just come back up.

She decided the other day that Regina was worth it. She  _ wanted _ to pursue this, and she felt that it would be okay, for both her and Regina. But if she was really going to do it, she needed to be honest, and she needs to start getting better. She wants to be her best self, for Regina, but also for herself. 

She’s just sat down on the bed again when there’s a knock at the door, and Emma flies to it so fast that she almost trips over her own feet. Everything she hadn’t thought about before suddenly occurs to her. Like the fact that she isn’t wearing shoes and she still has on the sweatpants she hasn’t washed since last week. What if Regina can’t stay or she doesn’t want to? She hasn’t talked out loud in a few hours, what of her voice comes out sounding gross and she awkwardly has to clear her throat? Would it be weird if she answered the door this fast? Did Regina hear her bounding to the door in like, two steps?

She shakes it all from her mind, thinking she’s probably being ridiculous, she pulls the door open and her heart skips a beat when her eyes land on Regina, all nervous eyes and soft smile, wringing her hands together in the hallway.

Emma had prepared herself for a lot, but this moment wasn’t one if them.

Regina looks almost as nervous as Emma does, like she isn’t sure if Emma really wants her there, but it doesn’t last long because the blonde throws her arms around Regina and pulls her close.

She hears Regina laugh into her hair before her arms loop back around Emma’s waist. “I missed you,” she whispers. “You’re not mad at me are you?”

Emma pulls back, surprised that Regina would think that. “Of course not. I could never be mad at you,” she reassures. “Why…?”

“Because I had to leave like that, and because I couldn’t keep in touch very well, and because I just invited myself over here…”

Emma smiles, “No, believe me, I want you to be here. I’m so glad you’re here. And I understand, about the other stuff.” She shuffles her feet, her eyes falling down to their hands, now joined between them. “Do you want to come in?” Regina smiles with a nod, and Emma leads her in.

They end up on the bed, the only comfortable place to sit in the blonde’s room, Regina with her back to the wall, legs stretched out in front of her, and Emma with her back against the headboard, legs resting over Regina’s. The brunette’s hands come to rest on Emma’s jeans, just below where her bandages end, and Emma takes a deep breath before starting.

She fights the words she knows she doesn’t need to say, but they slip out anyway. “I’m sorry.”

Regina’s brows furrow, her head shaking just slightly. “Emma…”

“No, I know I don’t have anything to apologize for, but… I can’t help it,” she admits. “I wish I hadn’t freaked out, and run out on you like that, and I wish that we didn’t part the way we did. That was unfair to you.” Regina looks down in a silent affirmation, a deep thought somewhere in her mind, but Emma doesn’t ask her about it. Regina doesn’t want to push her, so she offers the same courtesy to Regina.

Emma pauses all the same, just in case Regina wants to talk about whatever is on her mind, but nothing happens, so Emma moves on. “I have some things I want to talk to you about… about me. I’m scared, but… I trust you.” Emma swallows again, looking down just as Regina looks back to her. “It’s kind of heavy stuff, so if you don’t want… I mean, I’d understand if you…”

“Emma,” Regina shakes her head, moving a hand to grip one of Emma’s. “You can tell me anything, okay?”

“Okay.” Emma nods, thinking back through the list. Is she ready to talk about everything she thought that she was? Now that she’s here, she’s second guessing, but she doesn’t want to betray herself, or Regina. “There’s a lot of stuff I’ve been dealing with, and some of it are things I’m ready to share, but some things… I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about all of it.”

Regina gives her an encouraging smile. “There’s no pressure. It’s okay.”

“Okay,” Emma says again. “Um, right. So, I’m just gonna jump right into it. If that’s okay.” Regina nods again, squeezing her hand. “I don’t have a lot of friends, and I never really have. Mostly just Mary Margaret and Ruby. Growing up in the system probably has something to do with that, but it’s more than just that.

“There was this girl I met when I was in high school. She and I, uh… got really close. I liked her a lot, and I trusted her, but she used me.” Emma swallows hard, looking up to meet Regina’s horrified eyes as she works through what she’s hearing. “I was just an experiment to her, and she got what she wanted, even if I didn’t.”

“Emma…” Regina whispers, but the blonde shakes her head. 

“I’m… okay, now. For the most part. I haven’t opened myself up like that to anyone since, but that’s not my biggest worry.” With a deep breath, Emma keeps going. “I trusted her with some things, and she made me feel worthless, and horrible. It made me afraid to trust anyone, and it made a lot of things worse.

“I’m not sure where we’re going with this,” she says, gesturing between them, “And I like you a lot, but I’m really apprehensive about, uh, intimacy,” she finishes in an unsure whisper. “And it’s not just  _ her _ , it’s  _ me _ too. I, um… I don’t really like my body. At all. It’s…” Emma trails off, realizing the weight of what she’s saying. She can’t see Regina’s expression, but she can feel her next to her, and that alone, the fact that she’s saying this stuff outloud to another person, to someone important, it makes her anxious.

She’s never made it this far, and there are a few things she’s not sure she can keep going. Not right now anyway. “Is this okay?” Regina suddenly asks, one hand still in Emma’s, the other resting on her leg.

It reminds Emma of the last time, Regina’s fingers brushing against her thigh, oblivious to the cuts beneath, and she almost flinches at the memory, but she doesn’t. Because this time the touch isn’t over her cuts, which aren’t even as bad, and this time, the touch is welcome. “Yes,” Emma answers quickly. “Yeah, this is okay.” She laces her fingers with Regina’s, brushing the pad of her thumb along the brunette’s.

“If something ever isn’t okay,” Regina asks carefully, “Will you tell me?”

“Of course.” They fall silent for a while, Emma trying to figure out how to keep going. She doesn’t want to talk about the stuff with food, because that leads into self harm too easily. Both of those things are something she isn’t completely ready to face yet.

Emma’s stomach growls, and her eyes close in defeat. If it wasn’t obvious already she’s sure it is now. She sees Regina eye her hesitantly, and she expects the next words out of the brunette’s mouth to be  _ have you been eating? _

Instead Regina says, “Do you want me to make some food? I can pick up something from the campus store?” The blonde nods, grateful that she’s not pointing out the obvious. But maybe it really  _ isn’t _ obvious like Emma thinks it is, and she’s going to eat whatever Regina puts in front of her, just to keep her concerns at bay, for now. “Do you want to go with me?”

“Sure,” Emma says, sliding off the bed to get her shoes. They hold hands on the walk over, shoulders pressed together in the cold air. Their options are limited, but they end up falling into a college stereotype in their selection of microwavable ramen. “Do you want me to pay for it?” Emma asks.

Regina smiles, “No, Emma, I’ve got it.”

“You’re too sweet, Gina. You bought food last time.”

“Those chicken nuggets were less than five dollars,” Regina laughs. “And ramen packs are even less.”

Emma shrugs, “But still?” she tries.

“I don’t mind, Emma, really,” she says as they leave the store, heading back to Emma’s dorm. 

“Okay, fine, but only if you let me cook it.” Regina snorts. “Look, I know all I have to do is put it in the microwave, but I want to do this for you. Please?” Emma asks, skipping ahead a little, but keeping her hand in Regina’s. Eventually the brunette nods.

“I guess I’ll let you do all the hard work.”

They make the rest of the short walk in silence, and Emma thinks back to their conversation. Words circle in her head, all the things she didn’t say and all the things she knows she’ll have to say eventually and all the things she wishes she’d added.

Each moment of silence is an opportunity, but Emma lets them all pass with a growing tension. When they’ve made it back and the sound of the microwave fills their ongoing silence, the blonde just says it. “Hey, Regina?”

“Yes?” the brunette asks, looking up at her with a smile.

“I just wanted to thank you. For being so understanding, and for listening for me and for being patient.”

“Of course.”

“Like I said, there’s other stuff I haven’t said, but I’m just not sure I’m ready to talk about it. It’s the kind of stuff I haven’t talked to anyone about before, so I’m just… I don’t know. I know I can trust you, but…”

“It’s okay, Emma. You don’t have to explain,” Regina says, a reassuring smile flashing on her face.

“Thanks,” Emma mumbles, her attention turning back to their makeshift dinner. She swallows hard, thinking about dinner the other night, and how she hadn’t planned  _ this _ , though in retrospect, she should have. She decides not to mix the flavor packet in hers. Maybe that’ll help.

So she mixes Regina’s and leaves hers plain and carries them over with some plastic spoons. “Oh,” Regina says, looking between their bowls. “If you didn’t like that flavor, we could have gotten another one…”

“No, it’s okay. I’m not a big fan of any of them,” Emma says, avoiding her gaze. 

Regina looks at her for a little too long before wordlessly looking away, not commenting further. Emma wonders what she’s thinking. If she doesn’t already know about Emma’s eating disorder, it’s only a matter of time. Emma almost wants to tell her now, but she can’t bring herself to do it. Maybe she can in a couple of weeks..

“Are you okay?” Regina’s words startle her.

“Uh, yeah, I’m okay,” Emma answers, smiling at Regina through her third bite of Ramen. She notes that Regina’s almost done so she takes another quick bite.

“What’s on your mind?” 

Regina’s question is timid and unsure, as if she expects Emma’s answer to be the same.

They’re both surprised when Emma abruptly asks, “Will you stay with me tonight?” 

“That would be okay?” Regina asks, the blonde nods, because it would be more than okay. She doubts a cold shower will help twice in a row, not with her anxiety as high as it is from their conversation today, and she doesn’t want to risk it. Regina being here will keep her from making her usual mistakes, and besides, she’s missed her. 

“We can cuddle… if that’s okay with you?”

Regina smiles wide. “I’d love that.”

“Did you want to talk about your trip tonight? I didn’t mean to dominate the conversation or anything…”

“You didn’t. Maybe we can talk about it tomorrow? I’m kind of tired,” Regina admits.

Emma’s eyes widen, “Oh, I didn’t even think about that! Your body’s still on England time isn’t it. I’m--”

“You don’t have to apologize, Emma,” Regina cuts her off. “Plus, it isn’t just the time difference. The whole trip was just… draining. If you’re not tired though, it’s fine.”

But Emma’s already up, rummaging for pajamas to lend to the brunette. “I can sleep, Gina. It’s fine. Plus if not, that’s just more cuddle time right?” 

“True,” Regina chuckles. “So is cuddling more or less okay?”

“Most of the time, I would say, yes…” Emma says, thinking about times it wouldn’t be okay, all times that come up after self harm, but she can’t say that yet. “Just, uh… yes,” she corrects. “I don’t have a problem with cuddling.”

“But if you did…?”

“I would tell you,” Emma says, leaving a chaste kiss to Regina’s cheek. “Uh… well, what about you? Was that…?”

Regina smiles, “Don’t worry about me, okay, Emma?”

“But--”

“If something isn’t okay, I promise I’ll tell you too. How does that sound?” 

“Good. Uh, I’m gonna change,” Emma says, gesturing to the bathroom before scampering in. Regina’s changed by the time she comes out, and she holds back the covers for her. She doesn’t hesitate before snuggling in next to her, and they lie contentedly in each others warmth.

Emma thinks Regina’s fallen asleep until she hears her whisper, “I missed you.” She shivers at the feel of her breath against her neck and Emma turns to Regina.

“Can I kiss you?” Regina lets out a soft giggle as she nods, and Emma places her lips against Regina’s. The kiss is soft and short, but it makes Emma’s heart flutter. “You’re wonderful,” she whispers to the other girl before closing her eyes.

“You are too, Emma. Thank you for trusting me.”

 


	15. Chapter 15

Everything is warm, and Regina smiles as she comes back into consciousness, and the first thing she sees when she opens her eyes is golden hair and the rays of sunlight that illuminate it. She feels Emma burrowing closer into her, one arm draped over her waist, her breath light on her neck, and Regina can’t stop the smile on her face as she pulls back enough to admire the sleeping girl next to her.

When she adjusts, Emma doesn’t move much, too asleep to be bothered, and if anything it just makes Regina smile more. She rolls on her back and gently eases Emma closer to her. The blonde responds immediately, snuggling herself against Regina with a contented hum that makes her second-guess how asleep she is. But she snickers and Emma doesn’t budge, so Regina’s sure she’s pretty asleep.

She hopes that when Emma wakes up, everything is okay. Sometimes when she herself has to open up to people, she feels weird about it the next day, like a second-guessing. Her mind always feels clearer in the mornings, and sometimes late night choices haunt her, even when they aren’t as bad. But then again, Emma’s decision to open up wasn’t an impulsive one.

Either way, Regina hopes that she knows that it wasn’t a bad choice, that Emma’s trust in her isn’t misplaced, and that she genuinely wants Emma to be okay. The small amount of time still gives Regina pause, and she’s sure it does for Emma as well, but she doesn’t have a doubt about how special she is. 

She’s had her fair share of friends, and other than Daniel, no one has stood out like Emma does, and really, as much as she’d loved Daniel, she’d never felt like this with him. 

Emma shifts against her, pulling back, and Regina looks down to meet sleepy green eyes, smiling up at her. “Hi,” Emma whispers before stretching out against Regina and cuddling with her like she’s a teddy bear.

“Hey,” Regina laughs. “Did you sleep okay?”

“I slept really good,” Emma murmurs into her shoulder. “Did you sleep good too?”

“Absolutely,” Regina says, fingers ghosting on Emma’s arm. “Hey, Emma?” The blonde lets out an inflected hum in response and Regina chuckles. “Do you think it would be okay if I kissed you?”

“Hmm… kissed me where?” Emma says as she grins up at her.

“Well, I was hoping… maybe… your lips?”

Emma backs up, an exaggerated look of thought crossing her features, “I think… that would be… awesome,” she finishes with a wide smile before tilting her head up and puckering out her lips.

“You’re so silly.”

“Are you gonna kiss me or not?” Emma says playfully.

Regina lightly traces Emma’s jawline before bringing their lips together. The kiss only lasts a few seconds before she pulls back again with a smile, but they’re apart for even less time before Emma initiates another small kiss. They go back and forth like this a few times until the time between their innocent kisses grows shorter and eventually becomes them moving against each other. 

Neither pulls back, but when Regina instinctively starts to move her hand down Emma’s back, she brings the kiss to a slow stop, careful not to break it too abruptly. She doesn’t want to rush this by overstepping, or do anything to upset Emma. 

When she pulls back to smile at the blonde, Emma’s eyes crinkle a little at the sides and she turns her head into the pillow with a giggle, and Regina has the urge to kiss her again, but she holds back. 

“Do you work today?”

Emma pulls her face from the pillow with a smile, “Nope. I’m all yours. I mean, well… you know. Um, anyway… do you have any plans?”

“I’m all yours too… but I do need to stop by the hospital so I can call my mom from ‘work,’ she says, making air quotes. “Speaking of which, I’ve got to tell you about that.”

Emma nods, “Do you want to tell me now, or do you wanna get up first? I mean, I don’t wanna get up ever, but…”

“I might want to brush my teeth, but I definitely prefer cuddling in bed with you than anything else.” The blonde tugs her closer, validated. “But unfortunately, we might have to get up, because I didn’t bring anything with me.”

“Nooo,” Emma whines.

“Yesss,” Regina snickers. “Okay well, how about you get ready here, and then we go to my dorm, and I’ll let you wear my warmest sweater.”

“Can I snuggle with you under that really soft blanket?”

“That sounds like a plan.”

* * *

 

When they get to Regina’s dorm, Emma makes a dive for the blanket while Regina brushes her teeth and changes into fresh clothes, tossing a cozy seater Emma’s way. “As promised. This is the softest one I own, so I hope you approve.”

“Oh my god!” Emma exclaims, discarding her own sweater in favor of Regina’s. “This is amazing. I’m never taking it off so I hope that’s okay with you.” She blushes almost immediately at the implication, but she brushes past it with ease. “So, was it really that bad with your family?”

“The worst,” Regina groans, making her way to the bed. Emma scoots over to give her room. She leans against the wall behind her pillow while Emma leans against her, peering up. “None of them are very understanding.”

“About the school stuff? Did you tell them you wanted to be a vet?”

Regina scoffs lightly, “No way. I wouldn’t be here right now if I had, probably. They did talk about it though, talking crap about veterinarians, and basically anyone that isn’t a nurse or a doctor.”

“Artists?”

“Yep. Artists, musicians, athletes, most scientists, historians… Anything really. The only professions they didn’t discredit were doctors and nurses, surgeons, you know. Dentists didn’t make the cut, unfortunately. And businessmen and women, but only ones that work for major companies. Small businesses didn’t count. It was unbearable. They even talked down about volunteer work.”

“Then why…”

“Why are they okay with me ‘volunteering at the hospital?’ ‘Do what you gotta do’ they said.” She scoffs again. “Ridiculous.”

“Seriously…” Emma says, shaking her head. “What was up with the phone stuff?”

“My mother thinks most modern technology is a waste of time and energy, Unless it’s being used to her benefit, she hates it. She’s incredibly self-centered. So she didn’t like when my energies weren’t directed towards her, or if anything I did made her look bad. Like ‘ignoring my family’ or ‘texting boys when I could be doing something useful.’”

Emma snorts. “She thought you were texting cute boys?”

“Hmm, maybe not. I think she just said that. But that kind of did come up in conversation. The dating stuff.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing. I mean, they asked if I had a boyfriend yet, and I told them no. They asked me why I seemed so eager to be on my phone, and I couldn’t really tell them.”

“Why were you so eager to be on your phone?” Emma grins, fishing for the answer.

Regina rolls her eyes with a smile, “I think you already know the answer to that.” But Emma just keeps smiling up at her and she can’t resist. “I wanted to talk to you.”

The blonde squeals, before attempting to resume a straight face, “So, anyway…”

“Anyway… I couldn’t tell them that they didn’t have to worry about me wanting to talk to a cute boy because what I actually wanted was to talk to a cute girl.” 

Emma squeals again before muttering, “Sorry,” and sounding anything but.

“Yeah, so they’re pretty homophobic in general. And I guess I’d always known that, but it didn’t fully sink in until… uh, until I realized,” Regina admits, suddenly aware that she’s never really told Emma about how she’s basically in the closet to everyone except for five people, including herself.

“When you realized?” Emma asks.

“Okay, so here’s the thing…” Regina starts. “Uh…” Emma knows something’s up because she sits up a little to meet Regina’s gaze, and of course, the brunette turns away, moderately embarrassed. “I only just found out.” She waits for Emma to say something, anything, but when she realizes that Emma is respectfully waiting for elaboration so she won’t be assuming Regina’s identity, she sighs and carries on, no less awkwardly. “That I’m gay.”

“Just found out, as in… this semester? Since you’ve been at college?”

“As in… this month? Christmas break?”

That has Emma sitting up, staring at Regina with wide eyes, “Wait, what?” A shocked smile slowly starts to spread, and as it does, Regina’s blush deepens. “But that would mean you didn’t figure it out until you met me…”

“Yes…”

“Regina?” 

“Mhmm?”

“Did I… I mean… This sounds like, I don’t know, conceited or self-centered or something, but did I help you realize you were gay?”

“Maybe…” Regina answers, too self-conscious to even make eye contact, but Emma squeals again, and she can’t stop herself from smiling. “Okay so, yeah, anyway, I had to listen to them making all kinds of heteronormative and shitty comments. And of course, I could hardly talk to you at all.”

“I’m really sorry you had to deal with that.”

“It’s over now,” Regina dismisses with a shrug. Besides, I’m here now, so I’m really happy about that.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Regina nods, smiling down at the giddy blonde nestling back on her shoulder with a yawn. “Don’t tell me you’re sleepy again?”

“How do you know I don’t just wanna cuddle more?”

“Besides the fact that you’re already cuddling, and you’re also yawning?” Emma gives her a noncommittal shrug, and Regina snorts. “How about I play with your hair?”

“Mmm, that sounds nice.”

Regina smiles, shifting so that she’s up against the wall and Emma has room to lie across the bed, her head in Regina’s lap. Her hands thread through soft hair, from Emma’s scalp all the way to the ends, and she thinks the blonde is asleep until she hears a soft, whispered, “Thank you.”

“For what?” Regina asks, just as softly.

“For last night. For listening to me, and just being my… just being what I need.”

It’s an unspoken message between them, what exactly they are. Regina would date Emma in a heartbeat. It’s how she feels. She thinks Emma feels the same, but the blonde may not be ready for that. “I will be, for as long as you want me to be.”

* * *

 

Emma ends up taking a nap at Regina’s, not waking up until the brunette has to go to the hospital. “Do you want to go with me?” she asks hesitantly, unsure if Emma would even want to go. The blonde doesn’t want to let her down, so she’s relieved when Regina adds, “You really don’t have to. I mean, I don’t even want to go myself.”

She decides instead to go see Mary Margaret and Ruby at the shelter, seeking advice for the current thought she literally cannot take off her mind since she woke up from her nap.

She’d had the best dream, about how she and Regina were dating. Holding hands on the beach and kissing in front of the sunset, and Regina had come up with a cute nickname just for her girlfriend and really, just hearing the word leave Regina’s mouth even in a dream world was enough to put a smile on Emma’s face. 

Now that she’s awake, a lot of the details are fuzzy, but the sentiment remains strong, and every time Emma tries to calm down and think about anything else, it finds its way back to dating Regina.

Which leads to her current predicament. Or predicaments as Emma thinks they are. 

“Emma, what are you talking about?” Mary Margaret asks as Emma starts babbling on about how she has the world’s biggest problem. “What’s wrong? I think I’m missing something.

She sighs deeply before looking her friend and mentor dead in the eyes. “The problem is that I want to date Regina, but I don’t know a lot of things, like how or if she even wants--”

“I’m gonna stop you right there,” the woman interrupts. “That second ‘problem’ of yours doesn’t exist at all, Emma. We’ve been through this. She’s kissed you, right? And held your hand. You guys went on that non-date that by definition was a date, and what else? Hasn’t she stayed with you overnight?”

“Yes, but--”

“In your single bed?”

“Um…”

“Emma, really,” Mary Margaret laughs, shaking her head, “What am I gonna do with you?”

Emma huffs, “Okay, but seriously, Mary Margaret. I know that my fears might seem ridiculous, but they’re real, and I just…”

“Are you afraid you’ll get hurt? Emma… Regina looks at you like you’re precious. It’s likely she’ll treat you the same.”

The blonde shakes her head. “It’s not that. I know she wouldn’t hurt me. If I get hurt I think it’ll be my fault, you know because I like her so much and I don’t want to… I don’t know. I’m worried that I’ll be a burden to her. That she’ll be better off without me bringing her down.”

Mary Margaret nods in sympathetic understanding. “I get what you’re saying, Emma. I do, but you can’t let those thoughts cancel out everything else. If you want to have a relationship with her, you need to express your fears to Regina. A relationship is between two people. You can’t have it all decided before you even let it start.”

Emma slowly nods, taking in Mary Margaret’s words. “You’re right. I’m just nervous. I don’t want to mess this up before it even starts either. What should I do?”

“If you want to date her, you should just ask her out,” Ruby says with a shrug as she appears in the doorway.

The blonde levels her with a playful glare, “Easier said than done, Rubes. What do you think, I’m gonna just ask?”

“Yeah…”

Emma collapses back into the chair, face in her hands, with a groan. “No, I’m not. Shouldn’t I do something, I don’t know… Big? Or cute? I feel like just asking isn’t enough.”

“You asking would be cute, though…” Mary Margaret counters with a fluffy smile.

Ruby gives her a look. “Really?” She turns to Emma. “No, I get what you’re saying. It needs to be something that’ll really melt her heart, but it can’t be too extravagant. It needs to be something… Emma. You know?” She just gets blank stares from the other two. “Look, I’ve gotta get back to the dogs. Emma, if you wanna come back and brainstorm with me…”

“Oh my god!” the blonde exclaims, suddenly sitting up. “I’ve got an idea!”

“What? What is it?”

“I’m gonna go get some supplies, but I’ll be back!” she yells over her shoulder on her way out the door. This would be perfect.

* * *

 

Regina’s leaving the hospital, irritated as usual after talking to her mother, and as soon as she’s stepped out of the doors, her phone goes off. She rolls her eyes, thinking it’s her mother and isn’t going to look at it. 

But she does anyway, and she’s glad she does because it isn’t her mother, it’s Emma.

 

[Emma]  _ hey, gina, when you get done at the hospital, do you think you can come by snow’s? _

 

Her forehead creases, curious about why, but she texts a quick reply that she can be there in about fifteen minutes before starting the short walk over there. 

When she gets there, she goes in the front door, not sure what to expect, and Mary Margaret smiles up at her when she walks in, looking up from behind the counter. “Hey Regina, how was your Christmas?”

The younger girl shrugs, “It was… fine. How was yours?”

“Great! We had a few adoptions go through. Rocky, Chuck, and Penny. Tabitha too. We’ll miss them, but I’m glad they got homes.”

“Did they rename Tabitha?” Regina can’t help but ask. It makes sense cause she’s a Tabby cat, but what kind of name is Tabitha for a cat?

Mary Margaret laughs, “That’s actually why they adopted her.”

“Wow,” Regina says. “Hey, so, have you seen Emma? She asked me to meet her here…” The older woman breaks out into a wide grin that’s suspicious at best, and Regina squints at her. “Is she in the back?” 

“I haven’t seen her,” Mary Margaret lies, and Regina thinks if she waits long enough she’ll eventually have all the information she needs. The secret, whatever it is, is already threatening to spill from her lips. “The back would be a good place to start though if you were to look for her.”

“Right…” Regina says, eyes on the too cheerful woman until she’s out of the office. She’s looking through the hallways when Ruby comes around the corner.

“Regina, hey!” She looks suspicious too, although way less than her best friend had. “If you’re looking for Emma, I think I saw her in the playroom. She might be by the kennels…” She trails off when she sees the speculative glare Regina’s still wearing from her previous interaction. “You didn’t talk to Mary Margaret did you?” 

“Yes… but she didn’t say anything.” Ruby visibly relaxes. “So,” Regina says after a moment. “I’m going to go look for Emma. I guess.” She sneaks by Ruby and her growing smile and opening the playroom door with a sigh of relief. This is ridiculous.

She’s only in the room for a quarter of a second when she has ten huge dogs jumping on her, paws on her arms and waist, and she laughs. She hasn’t seen them since she left and it’s so clear that they missed her. A few of the little ones bark behind the chaos of the larger ones getting there first, and she tries to pet as many as she can, but they don’t let up.

She manages a glance around the room. She doesn’t see Emma, so she continues to direct her attention to all the excited pups she’s missed. Something seems up, as the managers had already led her to suspect, but it’s all confirmed when she sees something tied to one of the dogs’ collars. And then another.

She waits for them to have calmed down enough to investigate, which isn’t much but it’s enough for her to make out the shape of a paper heart. She reads the first one.  _ You’re so sweet _ . She recognizes the handwriting as Emma’s. 

Smiling to herself, she reaches for the next.  _ You’re really smart _ . And then another,  _ your passion amazes me. You’re great with the dogs. You make me feel special. You’re beautiful. Your smile is radiant. Everything about you is special. You warm my heart. The way you laugh is breathtaking. _

By the time she’s read them all, her cheeks hurt from grinning, and she looks around the room once again to see Emma walking towards her, smiling brightly with a smaller pup in her hands. She wordlessly makes her way across the room, a blush spreading on her face. She stops when she’s right next to Regina and shifts the dog in her arms.

Regina looks down to see that it also has a paper heart on its collar, folded closed. She glances at it before looking back at Emma, who nervously nods at it, holding the dog a little higher in her arms. “Open it,” she says.

“Okay…” Regina pets the oblivious and happy dog before slowly unfolding the paper. The first thing she sees is a little drawing of what looks like a little cartoon Emma with her arms around a little cartoon Regina, her smiling lips pressed to the brunette’s surprised and blushing cheek. The cartoon Emma has a speech bubble above her head that reads,  _ Regina, will you be my girlfriend? _

She didn’t think she could smile more, but of course, here she is, smiling more. She takes the dog from Emma’s hands and shows it some more love again before setting it down, freeing her hands, only to occupy them again.

Taking Emma’s hands in hers, she pulls the enamored blonde close enough to her to wrap her arms around her waist. Emma’s blushing up at her, and Regina pulls her into a kiss, their lips soft against each others. “I’d love to be your girlfriend,” the brunette says when she finally pulls back.

“You would?” Emma responds, lighting up at her answer.

“I really would.”

Emma just grins wider before leaning back in, her soft lips brushing light against Regina’s before doing the same, more firm and more confident. Regina falls into it easily, smiling at just… everything.

“Hey, Gina?”

“Hmm?” she asks, still in a daze.

“I have something I wanna say? And I hope it doesn’t ruin the moment or anything.” Regina looks up at her, eyes suddenly filled with worry and she can see Emma’s panic at the shift. “No, no, don’t freak out. It’s just…”

“Emma,” Regina smiles, fingers grazing her cheek. “I won’t freak out if you don’t.”

“I was the one freaking out, wasn’t I?” Emma says, relaxing a bit. She takes a deep breath. “Sorry,” she adds.

“You have nothing to apologize for. See? Everything’s alright. What did you want to talk about? Did you want to talk here or did you want to go somewhere else?”

“Yeah, it is kind of noisy in here, isn’t it? I wonder if Ruby’s taking advantage of us being back here so she can slack off,” the blonde laughs.

“Hey!” Ruby says, walking through the door. All the dogs run to her excitedly and she calls out over their noise. “I was just waiting an appropriate amount of time.” She wades through the crowd of excited pups, raising an eyebrow when she reaches them. “So?”

In response, Regina leans into Emma, planting a kiss on her cheek. “It went awesome,” Emma mumbles, a lazy smile on her face. “Uh, anyway, we’re gonna go, now that you’re here.”

“Yeah, yeah, you rascals. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. And uh, I’d go out the back way unless you want Mary Margaret to talk your ear off for the next thirty minutes.”

“Oh, is she excited?”

“Understatement of the year. And that’s saying something cause year’s almost over, so…”

“Okay, the back way it is!” Emma says as she leads Regina out into the cold air. They huddle close together as they walk, Regina’s gloved hands holding one of Emma’s shielding it from the cold air, the blonde’s other hand tucked away in her pocket. “I really need to get some gloves, don’t I?”

“Do you want to borrow mine?”

“No, your hands are doing a great job,” Emma smiles at her. “So, anyway. Maybe this is ridiculous, but I don’t want to be too much for you. Like, with everything I’m… dealing with. The stuff I’ve talked about and the stuff I haven’t yet. I don’t want you to get hurt or be held down by my stuff when you have your own, you know? And if anything ever does start to become a burden or if you don’t want to… I mean, if you can’t deal with it, you can tell me. We can talk about it.”

Regina stops walking, turning to the blonde. “I’m not worried, Emma. I want what’s best for you, and it’s clear that you want the same for me. We’re in this together, and anything that comes up, good or bad, yours or mine, we’ll work through it.” Emma peeks up at her, returning the gentle smile before leaning forward and pressing her lips softly against Regina’s.

“Together.”


	16. Chapter 16

Regina’s on her way to the hospital  _ again _ later that week because her mother is obsessed with the idea that her daughter is calling her from inside the hospital rather than anywhere else. It’s not like they even talk about anything. Just “Oh, you’re at the hospital?” “Yes, Mother, you told me to call you  _ from the hospital _ . Where else would I be?” “Don’t call me just to catch an attitude.” 

There’s only so much Regina can take. 

This time is no different; Cora talking about how she’s glad Regina calls her from ‘work,’ but then complaining because  _ shouldn’t you be working? _ before going back on about how she’s glad Regina ended up in the hospital for her program rather than someplace terrible ‘like an animal shelter,’ and if the interaction does nothing else, it reminds Regina that she’s been lying to everyone except for Mal and Emma about either her volunteer position or her college major.

By the time she leaves, she’s beyond fed up, but she smiles when she thinks about maybe surprising Emma at work.

She could go just to see her girlfriend.  _ Her girlfriend. _ It still makes the brunette giddy, and she’s on her way over there without hesitation, thrilled at the prospect. But it’s just her luck. “Emma just went on break,” Ruby tells her when she walks into the office. “She’s in her car, so she should be easy to spot.

It’s true. She is. It takes Regina a brief amount of minutes to locate Emma’s bright yellow bug in the back of the Burger King parking lot under the shade of a tree. She isn’t sure how to play this, wanting to surprise Emma but not scare her, so she parks a little ways away and walks over, where Emma is sitting in the driver’s seat, pushed all the way back, feet propped up against the dashboard with a sketchbook resting on her thighs

The brunette taps lightly on the passenger side window, cracked just slightly, and Emma causally glances up. She doesn’t panic until she’s realized who it is. “Regina!” Her eyes go wide as she frantically looks around as if to hide some big secret, but she ends up doing nothing but shifting in her seat, moving her arms frantically until she just ends up with her head buried in her hands, nearly in tears.

Regina isn’t sure what the best move is at this point, but before she can think about it, she’s slid into the passenger seat and has one hand on Emma’s back, trying to calm her girlfriend and ease her towards her, if she will. “Woah, hey, Emma. You can talk to me. You’re fine. I’m here; it’s okay.”

Emma shifts to move her sketchbook to the backseat before leaning over the gearshift to Regina, her head on her shoulder. She lets out a sob. “I’m sorry.” It’s almost inaudible, but Regina was listening for it, and when she catches it, she shakes her head.

“What are you sorry for? What happened?”

She doesn’t think Emma’s going to say anything, so she’s surprised when Emma pulls back and starts talking, pulling her knees up to her chest as she opens up. “I didn’t know you would be here, and I never wanted you to find out this way.”

Regina blinks at her, confused, “What…?”

“I never eat anything on my lunch break,” Emma admits through more tears. “I never eat anything ever. I was gonna tell you about it the other day but I couldn’t say it and I kind of thought it was obvious, and if it wasn’t then, it definitely is now, because you’re here and also cause I’m telling you…”

She refuses to meet Regina’s eyes as she talks, and she comes to an abrupt stop when the brunette makes a motion for her hand and Emma’s eyes look at their hands before finally shifting to Regina’s eyes. She can see her green eyes calming as she sobers, starting to see the situation as a whole moment outside of her own vulnerability.

Regina isn’t sure how to go about this. Emma’s just shared something really huge and really personal, and it’s likely something she was planning on opening up about in a circumstance she had control over. But now it’s out here, and they have no choice but to move forward. She doesn’t want Emma to push her away or run, so she just gives her a reassuring smile. “Emma?”

The blonde’s just kind of frozen up in front of her, still looking panicked, but more present than before. “I… I’m sorry,” she mutters the line like she’s saying it more out of habit than anything.

Regina shakes her head, “You have nothing to be sorry for.” She takes Emma’s hand more firmly, stroking circles against it with her thumb. “Do you want to talk about it? About anything?”

The blonde is quiet for a long moment, eyes downcast once again, and Regina’s going to be as patient as she has to. Finally Emma looks up at her, worry clouding her eyes. “You’re not gonna tell anyone right? I’m not… I’m not ready to face this.”

“I’m not going to tell anyone, unless you want me to. I promise.” She pauses for a beat, carefully thinking over her words. “Do you want me to help you? Do you think you can face it a little bit? Just the two of us?”

“I want to, but… I’m not sure I can. It’s… it’s more than food.” Regina doesn’t know what she means by that but she nods, making note of the confusing comment. She doesn’t want to make Emma feel like she has to share anything right away. Pushing her would only shut her down. To really help her, she needs to go at Emma’s pace. To get better, she has to really want the help, initiating it herself. 

“What do you want me to do?”

“Can you just… be here? I can try to do better, but I can’t just… turn it all off.”

“I’m not going to ask you to, Emma. These things can’t be forced. Healing from this is a process… it’s not meant to happen overnight. I’ll be here to help you every step of the way, however you need me or want me to. I’m not going to give up on you, Emma.”

The blonde nods, wiping her eyes before she can let the tears fall. “Thank you,” she mumbles.

“Do you want to talk more about this right now? Or would you rather wait?”

“There’s some other stuff… I think I’d rather wait. Maybe tomorrow, I don’t know…”

Regina nods, bringing Emma’s hand to her lips. “I’ll be here tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that. Whenever you’re ready.” She hesitates, trying to meet Emma’s gaze to gauge her potential reaction. “Do you think you could eat something now? Even something small? We could go somewhere and share something? Super intense lemon chicken?” Regina adds with a laugh. 

“Would it make you feel better? Even if it was a little bit?”

“Yes, but it’s not about me. You know that right?” Emma nods.

“Okay. I’ll share some of your super intense lemon chicken with you,” she says, putting her seat back in the right position. “Is it okay if I drive?”

“Of course,” Regina smiles, but before Emma can put the car into gear, she takes Emma’s chin in one of her hands, gently tilting her face towards her before leaving a soft kiss against her lips. Emma smiles against her.

“Thank you.”

* * *

To Regina’s comfort, Emma eats a few small bites of chicken and about a third of her salad. “This is kind of a lot for me,” Emma tells her nervously.

“I’m really proud of you. How do you feel?” Emma shrugs but says nothing. Regina’s in the middle of working through a different way to ask the question when her phone goes off next to her. She groans before she even looks at it.

“Who is it?”

“Either it’s my mom, or it’s Mal about my mom. Do you wanna guess which it is?” Regina asks with a snort.

Emma smirks, “Um… well you just came from the hospital, right? I’m gonna guess that it’s Mal about your mom.” Regina shrugs and goes to check. “Wait! How about if I’m right, I get to pay for lunch, since I know you’re not gonna let me.”

“Emma, really?” The blonde grins at her proudly. “Okay, fine, but only cause I think you’re wrong.” She deflates when she looks at her phone, for more than one reason, before she slides it over for Emma to see.

“HA! I was right! Now you  _ have  _ to let me pay!” The smug grin on her girlfriend’s face is almost enough to restore her own smile after reading the message, which makes Emma’s face drop as she squints down to take a closer look. “Wait. Your mom is demanding your schedule? And the hospital staff is starting to get involved? What’s gonna happen?”

Regina shrugs. “I don’t know. We talked about it once. Brainstormed some possible ideas, but I don’t know how well they’ll work.”

“Like what?”

“Something like making an extension at the hospital and redirecting the call. But we don’t know which extension she would actually pick. Or just trying to have someone higher up on the inside who could vouch for me. It’s a mess, really. I just need to hold her off. As far as she knows, this position is only for the holidays so I won’t have to keep up with the lie for much longer. As long as she doesn’t know I’m lying, it shouldn’t matter much longer.” The brunette sighs, dropping her head into her hands. “I’m just tired of lying to people.”

“Hey,” Emma says, taking one of Regina’s hands and pulling it to her. “If you want, I’ll talk to Mary Margaret and Ruby with you. I know it doesn’t fix the problem with your mom, but at least it’ll be one less lie. And maybe they can help.”

“Really?”

Emma grins, “Definitely. They’ll understand. And I’ll be with you the whole time.”

“Thanks, Emma.”

“Of course! We can help each other.”

* * *

 

Emma goes into Snow’s ahead of Regina to round up all the dogs to have today’s naptime in their kennels, giving her the chance to talk to Ruby and Mary Margaret with Regina. The brunette gets a text that lets her know when everything is ready, and she walks into the building, nervous, even though she knows everything will likely be fine. 

Her two bosses likely know that something’s up since Emma had to switch up the system just for her, but they smile up at her as soon as she steps in the office. She feels Emma’s hand slip into hers as she sits down, and she turns to see the blonde grinning at her with an encouraging nod.

“Have you said anything yet?” 

Emma shakes her head. “Just that we wanted to talk to them.”

The brunette takes a deep breath, gathering her resolve before looking to the two women waiting patiently. “It’s about my school. I told you that I was pre-vet, because I want to be a veterinarian, but I’m actually pre-med. My mom pays for my school, and she’d pull me out if I switched. Or if she found out I even wanted to switch or be a veterinarian. Or if she found out I volunteer here instead of the hospital she thinks I volunteer at.”

“Regina…” Snow starts.

“I know, I shouldn’t have lied, but it just happened. And then I wasn’t sure how to clear the air. But it isn’t fun for anyone, and it isn’t fair to you, and Emma encouraged me to talk to you.” She gives the blonde’s hand a soft squeeze. “She’s gonna help me figure everything out.”

“We’re gonna help you too, Regina,” Snow beams at her. “You’re part of the family now.”

Regina smiles back at them, “Thank you both. This means so much to me, you have no idea. I don’t know what to do yet, but I’ll let you know if I think of anything.”

“We will too,” Ruby agrees. “Whether it’s covering your ass for the volunteer issue or getting your major switched, if that’s the route you wanna go.”

“Maybe someday… I’m just gonna take it one step at a time.”

“You let us know, okay?” 

Regina smiles at them as she walks from the room, her hand still in Emma’s. “Are you gonna stay here while I work?” The blonde asks, rocking up on her tiptoes.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

“It might not be so bad,” Emma teases.

“I’ll have to think about it then,” she says as her girlfriend leads her down the hallway. “Hey, did I tell you that Mal is having a New Year’s Party?”

“I don’t think you did.”

“Would you want to go with me? As my date?” Emma turns towards her, face hesitant. “If you don’t want to, it’s okay. I know last time--”

“Last time was fine. I just… I’d be happy to be your date,” Emma smiles. “When is it?”

“Tonight, around nine.”

“What are you gonna wear? Or is it gonna be a surprise?” Regina just winks. “Not fair,” Emma pouts. “I won’t tell you what I’m wearing either then. It’s good, too,” she adds when Regina remains indifferent.

The rest of the day flies by. Regina and Emma separate after the blonde gets off work, Ruby and Mary Margaret telling them both to be safe. It takes Regina at least two hours to get ready, so by the time Emma’s supposed to pick her up (the blonde insisted on being “the chivalrous girlfriend that chauffeurs her hot date around town”), she’s finally ready, donning a dress that might be described as “sexy but in a subtle way.” 

By the way Emma’s jaw goes slack when she answers the door, she’d say she was successful. 

Then again, she could say the same about Emma, wearing a dress unlike any other she had seen her in, exposing more than she expected the blonde to be comfortable with, but it was still rather modest. It was so  _ Emma _ , and she looked amazing. 

Her girlfriend smiled at her, “You look great. Aren’t you going to be cold though?” While Emma had opted for tights, Regina was determined to go without. 

“I’ll just have you warm me up,” she answers with a shrug. “Plus I have a coat. Are you ready to go?” Emma reaches for her hand and doesn’t let go until she’s opened her car door to let Regina in the passenger side, and then she holds it once she’s climbed behind the wheel. Regina snickers. “Are you gonna hold my hand while you drive too?”

“I’m sure I could. You might have to keep your hand on the gear shift though. I’ll tell you before I’m about to switch,” Emma says. Regina blinks at her until she breaks out into a laugh. “I’m kidding. I’ll hold your hand when we get there though?”

“Deal.”

When they get to the party, there are more people there than at the previous one, and they’re freely coming and going, so Regina takes Emma’s hand and they walk right into the door. The vibe is different from the last time, lighter somehow, but maybe it’s because everyone seems drunker, or because everyone is anticipating a new year, a new beginning.

Despite the large crowd, Mal finds them easily, her face going from pleased to  _ more pleased _ when she notes their interlaced hands. “Aw, cute. Regina, I’m so glad you  _ finally  _ figured it out.”

Emma grins, swinging hers and Regina’s hands between them, “Me too.”

“Isn’t one of you supposed to be more…I don’t know, butch?” Mal asks with a smirk. Regina gapes at her. “Relax, Regina, I’m only joking with you.”

There’s a scoff from somewhere behind them and Regina glances over to see an unfamiliar newcomer. “You know that’s not how  _ they _ work.” The emphasis on  _ they _ makes Regina uncomfortable, but it isn’t big enough to really inform her of the girl’s opinion. Her smile is friendly enough.

“I said I was joking,” Mal says to the girl, rolling her eyes. “Lily, this is my friend Regina and her  _ girlfriend _ , Emma,” she introduces, smiling between them. “Emma, Regina, this is Lily.”

The girl,  _ Lily _ , reaches out to shake Regina’s hand. “Nice to meet you,” Regina smiles.

“The pleasure’s all mine,” Lily responds, reaching out to Emma next, but instead of shaking her hand, the blonde holds Regina’s hand with both of hers. She doesn’t say a word. “Okay, then,” Lily mutters before returning to normal as if nothing ever happened.

Regina glances tentatively to Emma, whose eyes side, looking off into the distance. Her grip on her Regina’s hand tightens. She isn’t sure what’s going on with her girlfriend, but she takes her hand back to slide it around the blonde’s waist and tug her closer to her.

If anyone notices anything wrong, they don’t voice it. “Have you just gotten here? If you want drinks, there’s plenty. They’re over that way, in the kitchen. Snacks too, but you know. Priorities,” Mal laughs, raising her own drink for emphasis.

“Not everyone has their priorities in order,” Lily says. Regina doesn’t notice her eyes on Emma for a beat longer than normal. “But yes, the drinks are great.” Her eyes land back on Emma. “Why don’t you go get something for you and your girlfriend?” Emma stiffens a bit next to her, and Regina’s brows furrow. Something is happening. Regina knows it, but she’s missing it, not understanding. “But be careful. There are sharp knives. Wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself now, would we?”

Regina hardly has an eyebrow raised in Lily’s direction before Emma is gone. “Emma?” she asks in surprise.

“Guess she listened,” Lily shrugs. “Color me surprised,” she mumbles into her drink. Regina shoots her a look, swearing she must have heard her wrong. 

“Excuse me,” she says, politely as possible before slipping past them to find Emma. For a moment she wonders if Emma actually  _ went _ to the kitchen. She decides to look in the bathroom first, then on the porch, and she’s  _ passing _ the kitchen to get to another room she thinks is more likely when blonde hair catches her eye.

“Emma?” She asks as she approaches her girlfriend, who she’s shocked to see is knocking back a shot as some dude gapes next to her. “Excuse me,” she says again, pushing in front of them and running her hands up and down Emma’s arms. “Are you okay?”

The blonde nods one too many times. The guy behind Regina moves out of her way. “Uh, she might be fine, but I’d keep an eye on her. She just took like two shots.”

“What?” Regina gapes at him. “What kind of shots?” She scans the bottles of liquor littering the counter, hoping it’s nothing too potent.

“Uh, Everclear?”

“Are you asking me or telling me?” Regina demands, keeping her hands on Emma as she turns to the boy.

“I’m telling you. She asked what would get her drunk the fastest, and well…”

“Are you fucking kidding me? Why didn’t you stop her after the first shot? You know what? Nevermind,” she scowls at him before turning back to Emma. “Come on, let’s get you out of here.”

“No,” Emma mumbles. “I--”

“Don’t fight me on this, Emma. You absolutely don’t need more alcohol. What you need is water. And food. You didn’t eat anything else today did you?” 

Emma scoffs, but says nothing, turning back as if to pour herself another shot. Regina grabs her hand. The guy from before appears next to her with an unopened bottle of water. “Sorry. Good luck, I guess,” he says before scurrying off again. 

“Drink this, please,” she says as she opens the bottle and puts it in Emma’s hand. “Will you eat something?” 

“No,” Emma mumbles. She starts to say something else but Regina can’t hear her over the chaos in the kitchen. Something about consequences. 

“I need to get you out of here. It’s too loud.” 

Emma doesn’t fight as she leads her from the kitchen to another, quieter room. They sit together in a large armchair, Emma slumping back, and Regina squeezing next to her, sitting up. She brushes Emma’s hair back as the blonde looks up at her, dazed. “‘Gina? I feel like… spinny.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet you do. You’re not supposed to drink on an empty stomach. Especially not  _ Everclear _ . God, Emma, what were you thinking? Do you realize that’s the most potent alcohol?”

Emma shrugs, “I got what I wanted. To get drunk.”

“Why?”

“That girl,” Emma says. Her face is angry and serious.

“Lily? Yeah, she was acting kind of…”

“That’s Lily,” Emma says.

“Yes…”

“No, I mean… Lily is the girl. The one I told you about. The one who…” she trails off, looking down at her hands with a sigh. “She was at the last party too, but I didn’t think--”

Regina cuts Emma off with a noise she doesn’t have the words to describe, something between shock and anger and disgust as she realizes what Emma’s telling her, who that  _ bitch _ is. “Are you fucking serious?” Regina growls. “When I find that  _ cunt _ , I’m going to break her fucking nose…” But she can’t stand up because Emma’s tugging on her arm, keeping her in the chair. “Emma, I can handle this.”

Emma lets her grip loosen, and Regina’s about to go on a hunt, but then Emma whispers, “But I need you.” 

It stops Regina in her tracks, and she turns to face her girlfriend. “Thank you, Gina, but I don’t want that right now. I… She’ll ruin things. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone, but I told you. I don’t want anything to happen.”

Regina is still shaking with anger, but she nods. “Okay, Emma, but if she says one more thing, I swear to God, I’ll…” she trails off when Emma tugs on her arm again, pulling herself more than pulling Regina back. She wraps her arms around Regina’s waist and cuddles into her. “Are you okay?”

“I dunno,” Emma says. Regina leans back into the armchair, bringing Emma with her, stroking her hair. 

“Drink some more water, okay?” She tilts the bottle to Emma’s lips. “Would you be open to eating something? Please?”

“I can’t, Regina, there’s consequences.”

“Emma, I told you I wasn’t going to push you, and I’ll stand by my promise, but I have to say, I think there are far more consequences to all the alcohol.”

“Not  _ those _ kinds of consequences,” Emma mumbles against her shoulder.

“Then what kind?”

“Mine,” Emma says, almost too softly to hear. Regina isn’t sure what it means, but she’s certain that she won’t get an explanation tonight. She waits for it anyway. The only other thing Emma says is, “Sometimes liquids are okay,” with a shrug.

Regina repeats the words to herself a few times before she has any kind of idea. Is it about calories? Some kind of number related to consumption? Or it’s mental? Or both physical and mental. “Emma… do you realize how many calories are in a shot of Everclear?” The blonde sits up, blinking at her. She debates not answering, but she’s already opened the can of worms. “I won’t tell you exactly, but it’s a lot. So if that’s what this is about…”

“Maybe I should get sick,” Emma mutters, bringing herself to a sitting position like she’s about to bolt.

“No, Emma, you’re going to be fine.” She looks around, trying to work out a plan. “Are you okay to stay here for a moment?”

“Why?” Emma pouts. 

“I’m going to get you more water. And see what kind of food there is.”

“For you?”

“For  _ us _ .” Emma slumps back but doesn’t protest. “Can you finish that water for me before I get back?” She doesn’t walk away until Emma nods and starts drinking the water.

She walks through the people, trying to make this trip as short as possible. Hopefully she won’t run into Lily because she definitely won’t be able to hold back. She finds the water quickly enough and grabs two bottles before grabbing a paper plate and loading it up with anything that isn’t sugar (she’s never been more grateful to see a veggie tray in her life) and heading back to Emma.

The blonde perks up a little when she gets back. She tosses the empty bottle of water behind her for some kind of dramatic effect before reaching for Regina’s arm to tug her down. “Watch out,” Regina says, breathing out a laugh as she tries not to spill veggies all over the place as she sits next to Emma, setting the plate on her lap.

“There were veggies?” Emma asks. “Cucumber slices?”

Regina chuckles. “Do you like cucumbers? They’re right there,” she says, pointing them out. 

“Okay, I can eat those and you can eat the rest,” the blonde says, a slice of cucumber already in her mouth.

She thinks she might be able to get Emma to eat more than just the five cucumber slices, but she has no luck. 

“Can we go to the porch?” her girlfriend asks, standing up and nearly falling backwards again. “Woah, Regina,” she grabs onto her arm, looking up to her with wide eyes. “I can’t stand up.”

“You’re drunk, Emma. Have you--”

“I’ve never been drunk before. Regina, I want to go to the porch. Can we make out on the balcony again?” She tries to take a step forward but wobbles a little. 

“I think we need to get you home, actually…”

“Nooo!” Emma whines, spinning around, her eyes starting to water, and Regina doesn’t understand her urgency to stay, given, well… everything, but then she realizes.

“Oh, Emma…” she laughs, cupping the blonde’s face to kiss her nose. “Baby, don’t worry. You’ll still get your kiss at midnight.”

“I will?” she asks, her face lighting up.

“Of course you will.”

* * *

She gets Emma to her car without much trouble, but that’s when it seems to dawn on both of them. Regina settles Emma safely into the passenger seat but hesitates outside the driver door. “Uh, Regina?” Emma asks as soon as the brunette is next to her. “Do you know how to drive a stick?”

“Oh. Right.” Luckily, Daniel had a manual car and had  _ insisted _ on teaching Regina, just in case she ever needed to know. She says a silent  _ thank you _ to him now as she gets herself situated, pushes in the clutch and starts the car up. Emma stares at her, impressed. “It’s been a few years so bear with me.”

They make it back in one piece, and Regina only stalls seventeen times. Her patience is running thin, but Emma stares at her in awe even after she’s leading the blonde inside. “Wow, Gina,” she keeps repeating until they’re back inside Emma’s room. 

“Are you gonna need help with your pajamas?”

The blonde shakes head as she heads to the bathroom. Regina takes the time she spends changing getting water from the vending machine downstairs, thinking it would be best to save time, but when she gets back, Emma is slumped on the floor, crying lightly.

“Emma?” Wide green eyes look up at her. “I just went to get water. Here, can you drink some of this?”

She nods. “I was worried you just left.”

“I’m not going to leave unless you want me too. Do you want me to stay here tonight?”

Emma cocks her head, considering. “I think… I’m okay,” she finally says, head down. She takes the water from Regina as she crawls onto the bed. Regina moves the cover back for her.

“Are you sure?”

“Mhmm,” Emma says. The brunette thinks something is wrong, but she doesn’t want to insist on staying.

“But you’ll text me if you need anything?”

“Yeah… What time is it?”

“It’s about thirty minutes until midnight.” 

Emma’s eyes suddenly light up. “Wait, you’re going to stay until midnight right? I have to kiss you at midnight.”

Regina smiles at her girlfriend. “Okay, but only if you drink all that water for me.” The water is gone in a minute. “Will you be okay here while I refill this?” Emma nods at her with a sleepy smile before she leaves. 

She expects Emma to have dozed off by the time she makes it back, and that’s exactly what happens. Regina grins as she sets the water next to Emma’s bed and climbs in next to her, careful not to wake her up. The blonde smiles in her sleep and cuddles up to Regina. Hopefully she won’t feel too terrible in the morning, but given the circumstances, she’s definitely worried.

It had been such a long day, but if anything, Emma feels more comfortable around Regina, more comfortable sharing things that could help Regina help  _ her _ , even if it’s just a little bit. Then, of course, all of the stuff with  _ Lily… _ Regina scowls to herself, just thinking about that. Her thoughts drift back to Lily’s odd comments, and she wonders if Emma would talk to her about those. She decides to let Emma bring it up.

She checks her phone, smiling when she sees that there’s only a minute to go. She gently nudges Emma, turning her own body and propping herself up on her elbow to see her girlfriend’s face. “Wake up, beautiful,” she says, brushing a strand of blonde hair. “It’s midnight.”

Emma smiles before puckering her lips out, eyes still closed. Regina grins as she leans down, brushing their lips together, so lightly, before pulling back. She does it twice more until Emma whines. “Gina, not fair. I want to kiss you.”

“You still have about thirty seconds left until it’s the New Year.”

Pouting, the blonde says, “You said it was midnight.”

“It is now,” Regina says, brushing their lips together once more before bringing them down again, taking Emma’s lips in an actual kiss this time. The blonde smiles against her mouth as she returns the kiss. 

It doesn’t last long, but it’s perfect, and it leaves a smile on Emma’s face for minutes following. Regina kisses her again on the head before sliding out of her bed. She doesn’t want to leave, but Emma said she would be fine, and she has to respect that. “There’s some water by your bed, okay?” Her girlfriend gives a sleepy nod. “Will you text me in the morning?” Another sleepy nod. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay,” Emma mumbles.

Regina leaves one last kiss on her cheek before heading out of the room. She smiles back at her girlfriend as she lets the door close behind her. She has a bad feeling about leaving Emma alone, but she’s done what she could, and she can do the same tomorrow.

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self harm

When Emma wakes up, it takes her a minute to adjust to her surroundings, her mind clouded by her last memories. The clearest of them all is her girlfriend’s arm protectively around her waist as Lily glares at her, Mal and Regina oblivious to their history. She shudders before sitting up, feeling more than a little nauseous.

Bringing a hand to her head, she recalls the rest of the night. She’d run into the kitchen, thinking that maybe a drink would make the whole occurrence less upsetting or to make it disappear completely. Some guy had pointed her towards what would get her the drunkest. “What’s your tolerance like?” He had asked her. Emma had shrugged. “You’re small, so take a shot of that and you should be set.”

She had taken two.

Regina was there stopping her before she could get down a third, and judging by how she feels this morning, she’s glad that didn’t happen.

She remembers Regina taking care of her, getting her water and telling her about how it’s bad to drink on an empty stomach, and then she remembers what she told Emma about the calories.  _ A lot _ , if she remembers Regina’s words correctly. 

Then she remembers Regina taking her home, and Emma telling her she would be okay alone.

It’s a lie.

She looks up the number of calories in a shot of Everclear. The internet tosses a few numbers around, but it’s around two hundred.  _ Two hundred. _ And Emma had two shots, so that’s  _ four fucking hundred _ calories, not to mention that she shared some of Regina’s lunch.

This is why she didn’t want Regina to stay. Consequences.

It goes like a routine. She walks across the room almost like a zombie, stripping down to her underwear and retrieving her supplies. It isn’t even something she thinks about. She doesn’t rationalize the number her brain supplies her with, she just does it.

It’s not until it’s over that she thinks about it. 

She’s holding a rag up to her leg, mesmerized by the way it’s stained by blood and she wonders if she should wash it or just throw it away. 

The space of this particular instance is more than she can handle at once though and it’s not until a few drops have fallen that she sees them in the carpet, so she relocates to the cold bathroom floor, the fluorescent lighting bright and revealing. 

Her cuts aren’t  _ too _ deep (it was about the quantity, after all) so the blood doesn’t run for too long. She pulls back the rag to reveal the side of her leg, painted with lines, starting up at the knee, straight and short, growing longer and more chaotic as they make their way horizontally to just below her underwear line. 

It looks as ridiculous as the number feels to her, finally allowing herself to actually  _ think _ about it, her disassociation fading out. She had set out for four hundred, but had lost count and thrown an extra twenty-five in after she got to what might have been four hundred or a little less, just in case. 

It’s bad enough that instead of bothering with cotton balls and peroxide, she just sits herself in the bathtub, leg stretched out awkwardly so that most of the side is facing up and pours the peroxide over it all. Her leg is already stinging so the peroxide is nothing.

No. Not nothing.

It’s sobering.

She stands up, and that’s when she winces, on the edge of regret when she realizes that she’s going to limp. That she has to see Regina today and won’t have an explanation. That Regina doesn’t know she self harms, and she sure as hell isn’t going to learn by finding over four hundred bright red cuts taking up a good quarter of Emma’s thigh. That this is the first time she’s cut since Regina became her girlfriend. 

It’s that last one that breaks her enough to put her back on the bathroom floor, leaning onto the tub and crying lightly, feeling more regretful of her bad habit than she ever has in her life. 

Regina wants her to be okay and she wants to take care of her, but she has no idea what she’s signing up for. Emma can’t say for sure, but this… this is a dealbreaker. She’s almost sure of it. Besides this round of fresh wounds, the scars are too many to count. There’s some underneath these eventual ones, there are a few across her arms, mostly on the top, trying to remain inconspicuous, and some deeper ones on her back, darker against her pale skin than the ones on her legs or arms have ever been.

Even if Regina doesn’t see the four hundred as they are right now, she’s bound to see the marks across Emma, the physical damage blatant and undeniable.

The next thought dances into her mind, the clear answer. To move forward, to stop cutting, to no longer add to the number. But as clear as that is, it’s still somehow lost in Emma’s stubborn refusal to ask for help or to open up. _ Maybe one day _ , she surmises.

But for now, she just won’t do it. 

For now it will be enough.

She moves her supplies from where she usually keeps them to a more inconvenient location, thinking it might break the cycle if only a little bit. She hovers by the trash can, but she’s not ready for that. Not yet. Just like Regina doesn’t want to push her, Emma doesn’t want to push herself either. 

It’s about making small steps. This is one of them.

Overall, she feels good about it, the constant stinging burn of the whole outside of her right thigh a constant reminder of what Emma wishes she could change. 

Sometime during the process, Emma’s nausea has wither drifted away or been taken over by the more present pain that moving around has become. She isn’t excited about having to get dressed. She’s trying to figure out the best way to bandage what feels like a whole half of her leg when her phone buzzes from the bed. She doesn’t hesitate.

 

[Regina]  _ Hey baby, how are you feeling? _

 

Emma’s heart flips at the term of endearment but sinks at everything else. She’s worse off than Regina can imagine.

 

[Emma]  _ i’m okay, thank you for taking care of me _

 

[Regina]  _ Of course :) what are you doing today? Any chance that I can see you? _

 

[Emma]  _ i just woke up a little bit ago _

 

She’s considering inviting Regina back over, but her dorm room smells like blood and peroxide, and that’s not how she wants to open this pending conversation at all.

 

[Emma]  _ do you want me to come over? _

 

[Regina]  _ I would love for you to come over :) _

 

[Emma]  _ okay, i’ll be right there :) _

 

The smiley face feels fake, and she scowls down at it for a moment before moving on, preparing to change. She ends up wrapping her leg around a few times in toilet paper, like some kind of mummy, before carefully sliding on a pair of jeans. The toilet paper bunches in a few places, but it’s nothing too noticeable so she leaves it, throwing on the rest of her clothes before slipping out the door.

She walks about fifty feet before she’s had enough, her leg protesting heavily. “Fine,” she grumbles to herself before making her way to her car instead. Driving is a waste, as it’s only a ten minute walk, but Regina doesn’t have to know that she didn’t actually walk.

Emma uses the space between Regina’s door and the parking lot to practice walking normal, trying not to limp. She’s proud of herself by the time she’s knocking on the door, pretty sure she’s mastered it.

But then Regina opens the door, and Emma manages a smile as she walks past her into the room. “Hi, Gina.”

“What happened?”

Emma turns to meet her girlfriend’s worried brown eyes as she shuts the door and steps towards her. “What do you mean?”

“You’re limping.”

“Oh.” Emma looks down with a shrug. “I guess I twisted my ankle or something last night.”

Regina eyes her for a long moment, somewhere between suspicious and curious, but she doesn’t comment on it further, much to Emma’s relief. Though she’s sure this is far from over. The blonde turns to walk towards the bed, taking careful steps.

“So what do you wanna do? Do you have anywhere to be?”

“No,” Regina answers. “We could just hang out here if you want? Watch a movie?”

“That sounds fun,” Emma smiles. She perches herself up on the bed, considering the situation. If she cuddles with Regina, which she  _ wants _ to, would she rather the cuts face up where Regina might touch or down pressed into the mattress? She wants to choose the latter but it seems the decision is made for her when Regina sits next to her, and Emma slides over to the wall. Cuts up, it is. “Are we gonna cuddle?”

“ _ I’d _ like to,” Regina says with a coy grin.

Emma lights up. “Good, me too.”

She’s nervous given the circumstances but is otherwise thrilled about the cuddling. Regina picks out a movie and gets everything set up on her laptop, set by their feet. She leans against the pillows at the head of her bed before holding her arms open for Emma to slide into, and when Emma does, Regina wraps her arms around Emma’s waist and leaves a light kiss to her head.

“Hey,” Emma says, turning to look up at the brunette. “I never got a kiss.”

Regina chuckles, but appeases her, pressing their lips together. “I was worried about you.”

“I’m fine.” Emma puts a hand against Regina’s cheek, seeking another kiss before nuzzling back into Regina’s warmth. “I missed cuddling with you. I wish…” but she trails off. This conversation could go into dangerous territory.

“What do you wish?”

Emma sighs, finishing her wish as quiet as she can. “I wish I’d asked you to stay.”

Regina doesn’t ask, but the unspoken  _ why _ can be felt in the way she shifts her arms ever so slightly on Emma’s waist. 

“This is a nice movie,” Emma says, even though she has her eyes closed, just so that it doesn’t feel so tense anymore. Regina kisses her head again in response, and Emma smiles. She’s so content against Regina, and she lets herself relax. She nearly forgets that anything’s wrong at all.

But it comes up in her dreams. 

When she wakes up, it’s by Regina speaking her name gently, a hand running through her hair. Tears stain her cheeks, and her dream fades fast and she doesn’t fight to hold onto it. It had been bad, about cutting and Lily telling Regina, and she couldn’t be happier to feel it leaving her mind. “Emma,” Regina says again, a little louder, hand moving to cup her face. “Are you okay?”

She lets out a sob at the fact that it wasn’t real and Regina is right here, right now, looking out for her. “It was a bad dream. I… You…” but she can’t explain it without spilling her secret.

“Shh, it’s okay, Emma. Don’t think about it. I’m right here.” She has both her hands on Emma’s face now, looking into her eyes with more reassurance than the blonde has ever seen from anyone, and then Regina is kissing her.

Emma reciprocates immediately, desperate for the contact and the comfort it brings her. Regina’s lips are warm and soft, and they move against hers as if they know the key to happiness and want to share it with Emma. For all she knows, they  _ are _ the key to happiness.

One if Regina’s hands tangles into blonde locks, and Emma loops a hand around Regina’s back to tug her closer, her other hand palming the brunette’s neck, stroking her jawline with her thumb.

It’s the most heated kiss they’ve shared, the tension becoming stronger and more noticeable in the way Regina’s hands start to explore Emma’s body. It makes her forget that she has worries at all, Regina’s soft touches making her feel alive and wanted and  _ good _ , but when one of the brunette’s hands finds itself on Emma’s right thigh, oblivious to the cuts just underneath, Emma’s breath catches and she pulls back from the kiss long enough for Regina to realize that something is wrong.

They’re both out of breath, the moment stilled as Regina’s eyes widen, “I’m sorry,” she mutters. Emma’s so worried about what’s happening that she’s holding her breath, waiting for Regina to figure it all out somehow. “Nothing has to happen until you’re ready,” Regina finally says.

Emma lets out a staggered breath of relief, nodding as she finally tears her eyes away, embarrassed. Her body certainly feels ready for  _ something _ to happen, and it’s funny that the reason why nothing can is because of her body. It isn’t what Regina thinks it is, but that will have to do for now. 

The blonde doesn’t want to talk about it, any of it, worried about the path of conversation, so she kisses Regina once more, soft and slow before curling back against her. Regina’s hand moves back to her waist, the other stroking her arm. “Thank you,” Emma murmurs.

Regina kisses her head once more.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I announced this on Twitter, but for those of you that don't follow me/ missed it, here's the gist:
> 
> so first of all, thank you guys for your patience with this fic.
> 
> The announcement is that I'm breaking this fic into a four part series rather than one indiviudual fic. I feel that this decision makes the story more wholesome and effective, as each part is named based on the stages of Emma's progress, and the stages I went through first hand. None of my planned content is changing, and I’m still going to complete the entire thing. The series will keep the fic’s original title, _i will help you love yourself_ , and each part will be named based on what I said above. I feel really great about this decision, and I hope you like it!! The first part, as you can now see, is called _the lightning strike (opening up)_
> 
>  
> 
> (tw: references to of self harm)

Emma and Regina enjoy a final week of being lazy when they’re not at Snow’s, but then school is suddenly  _ right there _ , almost back, and they trudge out to the campus bookstore to get supplies for the upcoming semester. 

It’s usually something Regina enjoys. She loves being organized and prepared for the semester, but everytime she thinks about her class schedule, she cringes. Most of it anyway. Some classes are better than others, like the one she shares with Emma, for instance, but some are like a weight holding her mood down.

She and Emma are picking up their books for class, and when Regina picks up the required text for Human Physiology II, she stares at it for a few beats before she uncharacteristically falls apart, putting everything she’d picked up so far on the shelf in front of her and walking out of the bookstore. 

She hears the alarms at the door go off when she’s in the lobby of the student center, sitting on a couch with her head in her hands and she looks up to see an employee fussing at Emma, books still in her hands. “Why would I steal school books? I don’t even really want these!” she exclaims in exasperation, dropping the books in front of him, and leaving the store.

Her eyes soften when she sees Regina, who tears her eyes away when she feels anxious tears burning their way forward, but then Emma is there next to her, rubbing her back, and they spill forward. 

It’s the most vulnerable she’s ever felt in front of Emma, who always seems to be the vulnerable one. The shift in dynamic should feel weird, she thinks, but it’s so natural how Emma shifts into the comforting protector mode and how much Regina longs for the encouragement.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Regina hesitates, not because she’s afraid to talk about it, but she doesn’t want Emma to think that just because she opens up about it immediately, it doesn’t mean she has to do the same. “It’s okay if you do,” Emma adds, as if she can read Regina’s mind. “And if you don’t. Either way, it’s okay.”

“Okay.” She nods with a long sigh, leaning back against the cushion. “I hate my schedule. I hate my program. I just wish…” she groans into her hands. “I want to switch degrees. Every semester, I just get closer and closer to my mother’s future and even further from my own.”

Emma reaches for her hand, kissing it before bringing it down into her lap. “What if you just switched a few classes? And then maybe this semester we can figure something out. I know she’s paying for some stuff, but you have scholarships. She can’t take those away from you.”

“That’s true…”

“Would she know if you switched classes this semester?”

“I don’t think so. She doesn’t think I’m volunteering at the shelter, and that’s technically in my registration information. Classes wouldn’t be any different.”

“Here,” Emma starts, standing up and tugging Regina up behind her. “Let’s go to the registration office and see what we can do. Then we can come back and buy books and stuff. Does that sound good?”

Regina smiles, “You’re too good to me.”

Emma blushes, shrugging it off. “You’re even better to me. It’s the least I can do.” Regina shakes her head in disagreement, but smiles at the sentiment, leaning in to kiss her before leading them to the registration office. 

She’s dreading it. The only times she’s ever been in one of the school offices, her mother had been there with her, talking down to everyone, making ridiculous demands, and complaining. No one wants to help them, and Regina doesn’t need to guess why. She wouldn’t want to help her if she had to deal with Cora.

But this time, her mother isn’t there. Emma is. Sweet Emma, who gets along with people despite her awkwardness. She helps talk them through the situation, and they are all smiles and sympathy, working with Regina.

In the end, they’ve managed to replace Human Physiology II with Zoology and calculus with statistics. Regina could still switch degrees and not be off track for graduation. Emma gives her hand a gentle squeeze. “We’ll figure it out,” she whispers with a smile.

They head back to the bookstore, and Regina feels significantly lighter. She can’t believe she made it into  _ zoology _ , that she’s actually going to try to make her future her own, not her mother’s. She’s on a high until she’s back in her room, and the reality of it settles in. 

“Oh my god, Emma, this is never going to work,” she says, stirring Emma from her place on the bed her nose in her sketchbook. 

She peeks up, eyes full of concern, but she puts her things aside, gesturing for Regina to come over to the bed. As soon as the brunette is there, Emma’s pulling her into her arms, kissing her temple. “Babe, it’s okay. I’ll be here to help you. Also, I think I have an idea.”

“Yeah?”

“If you have the time, you could have working hours at the shelter alongside your volunteer hours. Maybe on weekends? I’m sure Mary Margaret would be okay with that. She loves having you around. Plus you heard what they said. They want to help.”

“That’s actually a good idea,” Regina smiles. “So I can be earning my own money, just in case. Plus more experience couldn’t hurt since I might actually get a chance to be in that field.”

“See? It’s meant to be.” Emma kisses the side of her head again before sitting up a little bit. “Do you wanna go over there now or do you want to wait?”

“Could we call?”

Emma leans back into Regina. “Aw, you just want to keep cuddling don’t you?”

“No,” Regina denies, but Emma starts peppering little kisses all over her neck, and she can’t help but laugh. “Emma, stop, that tickles!”

“All the more reason…” Regina wriggles out of Emma’s hold to playfully glare in her direction. “Okay,  _ fine _ . I’ll stop… this time.”

Regina playfully swats her shoulder with a pillow before getting up to call Mary Margaret. 

Really, it’s no surprise that the woman enthusiastically agrees to hire Regina extra hours outside of those that are going towards her volunteer credit. It’s not much, but it’s something. 

With school starting tomorrow, they turn in early, and when Emma asks Regina if she wants to stay the night, the brunette doesn’t turn her down. She falls asleep with Emma curled up in her arms, snuggled against her chest, and she wakes up the same way.

For a moment, she holds Emma close, enjoying the moment before she has to unfurl herself from her girlfriend and trudge back to her own lonely dorm room to get ready for class. She has microbiology at eight.  _ Eight o’clock in the fucking morning _ .  _ Microbiology _ . Regina has no issues with mornings, but this was going to be a rough class.

Emma doesn’t have to wake up until later, so when it’s time she carefully pulls away, tucking the blonde in behind her so the cold air won’t leak in. She lets out a little whine when she scoots over and notices the difference, her eyes opening just slightly to see if Regina’s still around.

Regina chuckles before leaning over Emma to leave a kiss to her temple. “Get some more sleep, okay? Your alarm won’t go off for another hour and a half.”

“Ookay, Gina,” Emma mumbles. “Have fun in class.”

Regina snorts, “Not likely, but I’ll try. I’ll see you later, okay?”

Emma’s response is a sleepy hum into the pillow, and Regina smiles as she leaves a parting kiss to her head, brushing blond hair from her face before leaving and heading to get ready.

Microbiology is about as fun as she expected, but her teacher is a really cool guy, determined to keep them invested at such an early hour, and with that as well as coffee, Regina thinks she just might survive. 

Her next class is statistics, and she mostly loves it because it isn;t calculus and it’s getting her one step towards her dream and not her mother’s, even if it’s just a small one. But it drags by, and she’s sure it has everything to do with the fact that she and Emma share their next class.

She gets there before Emma, who’s running from the other side of campus, but she saves her a seat, somewhere in the middle but off to the side. A compromise they decided when they realized they shared the class. Emma wanted the back row, and Regina wanted the front, but Emma agreed to a closer row if she got a seat on the end, and that’s exactly what Regina was saving for her.

Emma walks in five minutes after Regina, five minutes before class starts, spotting her immediately and breaking out into a wide grin. She bounces over to her seat and scoots her chair a little closer to Regina.

“Sorry, I just didn’t feel close enough. How was your morning?”

Regina shrugs, “It was fine. My eight AM isn’t going to be as bad as I thought.”

“Yeah?” Emma smiles.

“I  _ think _ . Only time will tell. But what about you? Do you like your classes so far?”

Emma rolls her eyes, reaching for Regina’s hand under the desk. “They’re pretty boring so far. And I hate that they’re all at once, like, in a row. But I’m happy I get to share this one with you,” she says, grinning down at their joined hands.

“What if it’s boring?”

“We’re together, so I won’t mind as much.”

* * *

 

They both have an hour until they have to be at Snow’s, Emma for work and Regina for volunteering, and Regina is determined to make the most of it. She’d had some time between classes to put together some kind of  _ cute lunch thing _ , which is really just eating sandwiches on the floor of her dorm room, but it’s cute and it’s lunch and it’s for Emma, so she’s satisfied.

She wasn’t sure what Emma would be open to eating, so she picked out as many options as her mini fridge space would allow her to, and it seems to be okay. Emma nervously puts a couple of slices of turkey on one slice of bread before folding it in half. It’s not ideal, but Regina isn’t going to comment, knowing that Emma is likely self conscious enough as it is.

But as she watches Emma nibble on the half a sandwich, eyeing the condiments, she wonders something. “Hey Emma? Can I ask you a question?”

Emma’s eyes are wide when they meet Regina’s. She swallows as she nods. “Okay...”

“You know I don’t want to push you, so I’m not asking you this to use against you. I just want to understand.” At that Emma looks even more nervous so Regina gives her a comforting smile. “Are there foods that are worse for you to eat? Or better? I mean… foods that you feel more okay with than others? Sorry, I’m not sure if I’m asking this right….” Regina trails off. She knows that there’s more to this than Emma’s opened up to her about so far, and there’s so much she doesn’t understand yet. “I want to help you, but I don’t want it to be forceful,” she adds softly.

Emma shifts a little next to her. “I’m sorry I hide so much…” she says in a near whisper. “I just don’t know how to talk about some things. No one has ever listened to me as much as you do. I want to tell you, but I’m just scared.” Regina moves over to wrap her arm around Emma.

“It’s okay. I just don’t want to plan anything and have it be things you feel the least okay with eating. I don’t want to make anything worse for you when it doesn’t have to be.”

“That makes sense. I guess this isn’t like sharing other stuff…” Emma pulls back to meet Regina’s eyes, lips tilting up into a small smile. “So, rice is good. Green beans, carrots… I really like cucumbers.”

At that, Regina laughs, “I know. You were excited about them on New Years.”

“They’re awesome. Sometimes chicken, but not like, fried. I like chicken nuggets, but I feel worse when I know it’s something really unhealthy. Almonds and nuts and stuff are okay sometimes. But not the really salty ones. There’s other things, but those are the first things that come to mind.”

“What about these sandwiches? Is any of this bad?”

Emma hesitates before answering. “Condiments are iffy. And lunch meat kind of is too. Turkey is okay sometimes. And bread, I guess. This is fine. Thank you, by the way. Sorry I’m so--”

“Don’t even finish that sentence,” Regina interrupts. “You have no reason to be sorry, okay?”

Emma nods, picking up her sandwich for another bite. “Okay.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“My mouf i’full’of sanwich,” Emma says, with a mouth full of sandwich, but Regina kisses her anyways.

* * *

 

She’s not sure if planning too many surprise meals for Emma is going to be  _ bad _ or not, but she can’t help it. A lot of date ideas involve food, and if planning another cute thing that  _ happens _ to involve food will lead Emma to another meal, then so be it. 

This weekend, she’s less apprehensive about it. She brought all the things she would need to Emma’s dorm to the little kitchen down the hall, getting everything ready for her return. She’d stayed at work late to help with something, and Regina had taken full advantage to make this more of a surprise then she’d thought she would be able to.

She makes some baked chicken, skinless and lightly seasoned, rice, and green beans, and she even had a veggie tray. She bought a few electric tealight candles to set around the table, if anything to make up for the paper plates though she doesn’t think that’s something that’ll bother Emma.

She texts her girlfriend to meet her in the kitchen, and by the time Emma’s walking in, Regina is completely prepared. She had been planning on having the food already plated, but she thought giving Emma control over it would be best, so she just has all the dishes on the little table, surrounded by candles. It looks a little sketchy, but Emma gapes at the scene before throwing herself into Regina’s arms.

“You made all the stuff I said was okay!”

“Do you like it?” Regina asks. It seems clear that she does, but the brunette is still nervous.

“Are you kidding? Regina, this is so thoughtful,” Emma smiles brightly at her, but as they sit down to enjoy it all, it slowly fades out until the blonde is more than a little zoned out, picking at the remainder of food she had set out to eat, but she finishes it all without comment. It seems like progress, but the way that Emma seems more and more closed off for the rest of the night has Regina wary.

That night she stays with Emma again, but she wakes up in the middle of the night to her girlfriend crawling back into bed, in tears. There’s something off that Regina can’t place, a smell that doesn’t make sense. Regina doesn’t know what  _ happened _ or why she hadn’t been in bed for however long, but she doesn’t ask.

Instead, she wraps her arms around Emma, holding her close, leaving gentle strokes to her hair. The blonde sobs into her chest and she kisses the side of her head. “Emma, I’m here. It’s okay to have bad nights. You’re so strong, baby.”

Emma grips her closer, her cries becoming harder for a little while before they slowly start to fade back out. “I’m not going anywhere, okay, Emma?”

“Okay,” Emma mumbles. She sounds a little unsure, but mostly she just sounds  _ tired _ , and so Regina keeps brushing through her hair until she hears Emma’s breathing even out. She takes a deep breath, placing a soft kiss to Emma’s temple, and then it hits her.

She smells peroxide.

Her nose scrunches in confusion, not understanding  _ why _ that would even be an option, but it slowly transforms into something closer to shock as she thinks on it. Emma flinching at the wrong touches, sometimes limping, always sleeping in long pants and baggy shirts even when she complains about it being too hot, and  _ is this what she meant the other night when she was talking about consequences? _

Regina’s mind goes blank for a moment before the question dawns on her.  _ Is Emma self harming? _

She pulls back from Emma enough to admire her face, now peaceful with sleep but still stained by tears. She’s  _ so _ beautiful. So much that Regina can’t understand how she can’t see it, but it’s something that only time will help her see. 

With this new potential factor, Regina is more worried than ever, but she trusts Emma. When she’s ready, she’ll open up. In the meantime, Regina will have to tread carefully, looking out for Emma without putting the pressure on her.

She pulls Emma back to her, kissing her on the forehead before nestling contentedly against the blonde and attempting to clear her mind and drift off to sleep. 

That night, she dreams of Daniel again, and Emma seeking the same answers that he did, their lives coming to the same end. She wakes up with tears on her face that Emma kisses away with a smile so bright, Regina never would have guessed she’d been crying this morning.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> brutally unedited and brutally honest (proud of IWHYLY Emma)
> 
> (tw: self harm and brief dissociation)

Emma hates Thursdays. She hates Tuesdays too, and Fridays, and any other day she has to wake up and leave before Regina. It’s something she’s decided just now, because up until this point, she and Regina wouldn’t stay together when Emma had to be up first, just because it was always Emma’s dorm they were staying in.

But the blonde had pouted.

“Well, we could stay in _my_ dorm tonight?” Regina had suggested.

It was an option Emma almost never took advantage of, as much as she always wants to, but with all the things she’s still afraid to share with Regina, her anxieties about changing her clothes to accidentally reveal her scars, and just the lack of situational control that comes from staying at someone else’s place, she’s frequently apprehensive.

But she’d made the exception anyways, and she didn’t regret any of it.

Except for the waking up and leaving her girlfriend behind bit.

Somehow she wakes up before her alarm, and she turns it off before it can sound. She still has about a half hour before it would have gone off. And if she falls back asleep and ends up being late to work, Mary Margaret will understand. Maybe.

Regina’s still asleep, lying on her stomach, arms around her pillow, and she looks so peaceful that Emma can’t help but admire her. Since school started, she’s been stressed, flinching when her phone goes off, thinking it’s going to be her mother, scolding her about changing her classes even though Emma doesn’t think she could really even _know_ that.

Right now though, she looks relaxed.

Smiling, Emma lies back down next to her. She kisses her nose lightly as she starts rubbing Regina’s back, just soft strokes up and down, moving to the parts of her arm that are within reach and down to just above the sliver of skin on her lower back where her tank top has hiked up just so.

The blonde kisses her girlfriend’s bare shoulder, trying not to be so aware that it’s something Regina’s never had the opportunity to do, given the amount of clothes Emma’s always wearing. She wonders if it ever bothers Regina, or seems weird to her.

She’d been worried last week. Regina had done the best possible hing, making Emma a special meal complete with her safe foods, and the blonde thought it was going to be fine, until it just _wasn’t_.

She made it through the meal, she finished the maximum amount she was okay with, probably the bare minimum for Regina, but after they’d gone to sleep, all Emma count do was count.

How much she ate, how many days that week she ate more than she thought she ought to have, how long it had been since she’d had that much, how many numbers she’s racked up since the last time she…

But Regina was sleeping next to her, staying over in her room, and she _couldn’t_ do that. Obviously self harm wasn’t good at all, but even so, there were _lines_.

 _Lines_.

The word haunted her as she tried to ignore the numbers and fall asleep, but it only got worse, and when she found herself crawling out of bed and sneaking into the bathroom, she felt like it was all just a dream.

The next thing she knew, she was bleeding behind the closed door of the bathroom.

She’d cried a lot. Sobbing so hard she couldn’t see her arm as she cleaned it up, but when she doused it in peroxide, it didn’t sting as bad as other times, so maybe this could have been worse.

But when Regina woke up to her crying and crawling back in bed, she didn’t know how this could be _better_. She could smell the peroxide and she could still smell the blood, and she wasn’t sure if it was just her or if Regina could smell it too. The brunette hadn’t brought it up.

Emma tries not to think about it now, lying next to her girlfriend, fingers dancing across her back. In a week, the cuts have healed up, leaving nothing behind but scars, faint lines across her body, like the invisible ones she’s tracing on Regina’s back.

 _Oh_.

The thought makes her pause, thinking back to a morning not too long ago where she woke up to Regina doing the same to her, gentle lines across her back, not in any particular direction, but either way, Emma didn’t consider until just now, Regina wouldn’t need to trace invisible lines across her back. She could trace real ones. _What would she say if she knew that?_

 _No._ She’s not going to think about that.

But is she ready to talk about it?

She doesn’t really want to think about that either.

Insted, Emma props herself up with her elbow to lean over and press a kiss in the space between Regina’s shoulder blades, the skin cool against her lips. Her other hand lingers on the exposed space at Regina’s waist, and she brushes the skin there as lightly as her lips do.

Just before she pulls away, Regina makes _the most_ sensual noise the blonde has ever heard, and she pulls herself closer to Emma in her sleep, chasing the position until their bodies are flush together, a hand tangled in her hair and Regina’s breath hot on her neck. Emma’s breath has stopped, so there’s that.

In the shifting, Emma’s hand ended up caught underneath the brunette’s tank top and when her fingers twitch, Regina reacts just slightly, fingers moving against her scalp, and it’s almost impossible for Emma to think of how easy Regina waking up in this position could lead to… certain things.

The thought is intoxicating before it is sobering, but somehow it ends up being both.

In those first few moments, all Emma wants is to leave a trail of kisses up Regina’s neck, capture her lips with her own, let her fingers explore Regina’s body, and please her, in every way that she deserves. She wants that more than anything.

But she’s sure it wouldn’t be a one sided action. Regina would want to return the favor, and Emma wants that too, _god_ does she want that, but with that level of intimacy comes so many other things. They would be vulnerable to each other in a way they never have been before, discovering new things about each other, what they like and what they _really_ like, and it’s not lost on Emma that these new discoveries include her plethora of scars.

Imagining Regina’s disappointment alone is enough to make her regret every single cut she ever carved into her body and enough to make her never want to make another. And yes, maybe that’s good, but it’s still part of the package that involves self loathing, and even if Emma _were_ to never self harm again, she still wouldn’t be _better_.

Then of course, imagining Regina discovering her body, scars or not… what if she’s as disgusted by it as Emma is?

Her thoughts start to spiral down, back into a bad place that will only lead her into a panic attack, and she distracts herself by actually kissing her girlfriend’s pulse point. It proves to be an excellent distraction as Regina makes a soft mewl and scoots impossibly closer to Emma, who decides to pretend to be asleep, oblivious to what led them to this position.

It’s then that Regina wakes up, stretching as much as she can without pulling away before nuzzling back against the blonde, and this time it’s _Regina_ who leaves a kiss to _Emma’s_ neck, and soon after, another, and another, and another…

Emma is caught between the fire her body is inflamed with, the smile fighting to break out on her face, and her intent to appear _asleep_ , but it’s only a matter of time before one of those wins out.

It’s a mix between the first two. As Regina’s lips meet a sensitive spot just below Emma’s jawline that she didn’t even know she had, Emma squeaks a little both in surprise at the ticklish sensation and at the way it only ignites her desire for Regina to do that _everywhere_. The brunette leans back enough to smile at her before their lips meet.

The tension in the room was strong _before_ Regina woke up, but now that they’re both awake, and now that they’re _kissing_ , it's at an all time high. Emma doesn’t think she’s the only one who can feel it either, if the way Regina tugging lightly on her hair is anything to go by, and if Emma didn’t have to get up for work in fifteen minutes and if she didn’t have this serious secret about self harm, it’s pretty clear what road this was heading down.

Regina seems to sense the same thing as she pulls away. “I’m glad I got to see you before you had to leave,” she purrs, brushing a strand of hair behind Emma’s ear.

“Me too,” Emma says, not even surprised by how breathless and rough her voice sounds. She clears her throat, and Regina smirks, kissing her again, not helping Emma’s case.

“What time is it?”

“Uh…”

“I didn’t hear your alarms. Have they gone off yet?”

“They’re kind of… off?”

Regina’s eyes widen as she turns to her phone to check the time, breathing in enough relief to let Emma know she won’t actually be late. Maybe. “You scared me for a minute there. You’re probably going to have to go soon though, so you’re not late.”

At that, Emma pouts again. “Nooo,” she whines as she buries her face in Regina’s hair.

“C’mon, Emma. _Yes_. I don’t want you to go either, but--”

The blonde interrupts her by making every effort to stay where she is and then some. She forgets that her hand is still lost under Regina’s shirt, and she doesn’t realize where it ends up as she loops it as far around her girlfriend’s body as possible. It’s not that she’s _groping_ her, but she definitely comes close before she pulls back to more safe territory.

She swears she can hear the moment Regina’s heart skips.

Emma suddenly becomes even more aware of their breathing, not labored but definitely a bit heavier than before, and she watches as Regina’s eyes not only widen but darken. “I, um…”

“It’s okay,” Regina says, and this moment feels like a turning point.

But something needs to happen first, and Emma needs to be ready.

“I have to tell you something?” the blonde squeaks, her nerves getting the better of her, but they all come toppling down when Regina’s alarm starts going off less than a beat later. The brunette groans and rolls to turn it off. “Did you set an alarm _for_ me?”

“It was clearly a good call since yours are _off_ ,” Regina smirks. “Nice try, though.”

As they sit up together and Emma climbs over her to get off the bed, she’s not sure if she’s grateful for the interruption or not. She wasn’t ready to actually confess to her problem, nor was there adequate time to breach such a heavy topic, and now she has all day to think about it. But at the same time, she’s kind of brought it up, and there’s no going back.

Regina regards her carefully. “Is something wrong?”

Turning back to her, Emma tries to come up with a good answer that isn’t going to nag at Regina all day. Technically, something _is_ wrong, but that’s not the angle Emma wants to talk about this from. “It’s just… something important. But we can talk later, and you don’t need to worry.”

Regina nods but doesn’t look convinced. “You know I always worry about you, Emma,” she admits softly.

“I’m sorry,” Emma says, and it’s more of an automatic reaction than anything, and when she turns to leave she’s not sure if it’s out of embarrassment for her unnecessary apologies or because she thinks she’s becoming a burden again.

“Hey, wait,” and then Regina’s there, catching her hand and tugging her back, enveloping her into a hug. She strokes Emma’s back, and the blonde can’t help but think about _lines_ again, and she tries to lose the thought in Regina’s scent. Her girlfriend leaves a kiss to her cheek. “Emma, you don’t need to apologize. You don’t owe me any information, and if you’re not ready to talk about something, you don’t need to push yourself for my sake. Talk to me when you’re ready. I’ll be here whenever that time comes. Okay?”

Emma still can’t believe she’s dating someone this kind and considerate, beautiful in every way a person can be. “How are you so perfect?” Emma asks, leaning back to give her girlfriend a watery smile.

“You know I’m not,” Regina snorts.

“You know what I mean.”

Regina grins, kissing Emma before she says. “I do know what you mean. I also know that you’re so special, Emma. Even if you can’t see it yet.”

“I’d like to,” Emma whispers.

“I’ll help you.”

* * *

 

Emma gets to work _on time_ , and she’s surprised to see Ruby there, but it almost feels like fate, because she needs the kind of advice that she isn’t sure Mary Margaret would be able to handle. “Ruby! Thank god,” she says as soon as she steps into the office.

“Finally! It’s like I’ve been waiting for someone to say that all my life!” Ruby grins. “What’s up, Em?”

“I need your advice. But you have to promise me you won’t get… weird about it.”

The woman squints at her. “Are you about to ask me for sex advice?”

Emma groans as she slumps into the chair, her face in her hands. “I just want it to be _special_. Regina deserves that.”

“Emma…” the serious tone in Ruby’s voice catches her attention enough to make her lower her hands. “As long as you’re there, it will be special for her.”

“I’m serious, Ruby!”

“I am too! You don’t have to _do_ anything to make it special. She likes you, and you like her. You want her to feel good, right?” Emma nods through her blush. “That’s enough. Trust me. The only thing you really need to do is make sure you’re like… clean. So if you’re planning this for after work one day… make time for a shower.”

The blonde rolls her eyes, “Well, obviously.”

“Have you talked to her about it?”

“No…”

“Maybe that’s a good place to start. Do you know if this is something she’s ready for?”

“Not _officially_ , but I’m pretty sure it is. Because of… reasons.”

Ruby smirks again. “Whatever you say. Just don’t think too hard about it, okay?”

 _Too late_ , Emma thinks. “Thanks, Ruby. I guess I should get to work.”

“Damn straight.” Emma glares at her as she walks from the office. “Damn gay?” she tries, but Emma just laughs and keeps walking.

As suspected, she spends her entire time at work obsessing over how to talk to Regina about this. All the other heavy topics she’d been able to jump into had more or less been forced out, or been brought up because she had no other choice _but_ to talk about them. The Lily thing _had_ to come up because _Lily_ came up, a fact that Emma is still not over. Twice is already too many times. Of course, that conversation had almost veered into the same territory that this one is in. Her fears of intimacy, which she almost attributes more to her body, namely her scars, than anything else.

The _food issue_ was all Emma’s own fault, jumping to the conclusion that Regina was jumping to conclusions, explaining herself before anything worse could happen. It wasn’t _great_ , but at least with that, she was more than sure Regina had suspicions.

She _could_ have suspicions about this too, but this was different. If she talks about it, it’s already going to hold more weight than anything else they’ve discussed, at least to Emma, not just because of the challenges it poses or the vulnerability it presents for the blonde, but the implication of where their relationship is going. It’s all so much, so Emma chooses to focus on as much of the positive as she can.

Moving forward.

* * *

 

Emma’s pretty sure that regina’s going to be eating lunch when Emma finishes her second shift of the day, so when she walks back up to the front door of Snow’s, she is completely caught off guard by her girlfriend smiling at her. “Regina!” The blonde feels kind of silly, skipping over to her like she does, but it’s not like anyone’s _watching_.

“Ugh, gayyyy,” Ruby calls from the office.

Emma snorts at her, “Get outta here!”

“You love me,” Ruby sing songs, ducking her head back in.

“Sorry,” Emma laughs.

“She _does_ have a point,” Regina says, tilting Emma’s chin to her and bringing their lips together. It’s a normal kiss, just like any other they’ve shared in public up until this point, except for maybe their first, but somehow it still holds all the tension from this morning.

Emma actually whines when Regina pulls away.

“We can do more of that later, if you want,” Regina offers, a playful look in her eyes. Emma wants to melt on the spot.

“Yes please.”

“After we talk?”

Emma hesitates before nodding through a deep breath. “After we talk,” she confirms. Regina takes her hand with an encouraging grin. “Thanks,” Emma blushes.

The brunette squeezes her hand gently. “Come on, I’m gonna walk you to class.”

“Are you sure? You don’t have to do that…”

“I know, but it means I get to spend a little extra time with you.”

“It _also_ means you might be late to volunteering,” Emma points out. Regina shrugs uncharacteristically. “Please don’t be late.”

“Do you really think I’d let myself be late?” Regina laughs. “I parked my car outside the art building, so I can just drive back to Snow’s. We have all the time in the world. Well, thirty minutes anyway.”

“I’d say we could talk now, but…”

“This is a bigger than thirty minutes thing?” Regina stops in the sidewalk, and Emma gets tugged back by her hand still in her girlfriend’s.

The concern in Regina’s eyes makes Emma feel so cared about, it makes her feel like she could say _everything_ right now, but she thinks it would be best to wait. “I know you’re worried, but you don’t have to be. It’s not exactly good news, but it’s something I don’t talk about to anyone… ever. I don’t want to start talking and then run out of time to explain.”

Regina nods, resuming their walk. “I trust you.” Emma smiles over at her. “Are you excited about figure drawing?”

“I think so. We’re drawing our first model today.”

“That’s amazing, Emma!”

“Yeah... I’m kind of nervous though.”

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t know,” Emma sighs, swinging their hands as they walk. “I’ve never drawn a live model before. And not only that, but drawing _people_ isn’t really something I do a lot of. I’m excited for the new challenge, but… I don’t know. Nervous.” _Mood of the day…_ Emma scowls to herself.

They stop in front of the building then, and Regina’s lips meet Emma’s halfway. “I believe in you.” The corners of Emma’s mouth turn up without hesitation, knowing that Regina really means it. “I’ll see you after class, okay?”

“Okay,” Emma grins, still smiling when she walks away.

It lasts her all the way into the classroom and about ten minutes into class before it slips and ultimately disappears even further into the session.

Their model’s name is Alicia, she’s about twenty-six, in graduate school, and is completely gorgeous. But the thing that gets to Emma is how confident she is. Her body is curvy and full, and she has no qualms about flaunting it, and maybe it had to do with modelling experience, but the way she holds herself even before she’s in position expresses her confidence.

The idea is the only thing on Emma’s mind for the whole class period.

She has moments where she’s so ashamed of her own self esteem, or lack thereof, that she can’t even look up or draw. When she does draw, it just doesn’t come out like she wants it, so she does a lot of ( _too much_ ) erasing and having to look back up.

It’s hard to clear her mind enough to get much done, and by the end of the period, her thoughts are an ugly cycle of self deprecation, knowing that she would never be comfortable enough to expose her body like that, knowing that she could never feel that confident about her body even if it’s just her behind a closed door in a mirrorless room.

It ends with a single thought.

 _Regina could never want me_.

When the teacher dismisses them, Emma is on the verge of a panic attack, tears threatening to start as she tries to ground herself. She just has to make it out the door, she just has to make it out the hallway… and she’ll keep directing herself like this one step at a time. She can’t fall apart. Not here, not now. Not when she’s supposed to talk to Regina.

But when she makes it out the front door of the art building and sees Regina standing there waiting for her, beautiful in the sun and smiling so brightly at Emma, the blonde runs to her, falling into her arms before she can break.

Regina laughs at first, thinking that Emma just missed her that much, but when she feels Emma’s soft sobs against her shoulder, the moment shifts. “Emma?” Regina’s voice is careful and cautious, as if saying something the wrong way will make Emma shatter, and maybe it would; Emma doesn’t know. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

But she can’t respond with words, only by gripping Regina closer. She isn’t sure how she’s here or why, but she’s grateful. This moment makes it clear to her that she wouldn’t have made it very far without losing it.

Regina leads Emma to her dorm room, wrapping Emma in her arms, under a blanket on the bed, stroking her hair, and reassuring her that she can talk when she’s ready.

Emma’s starting to think that’s never, but she doesn’t want to let Regina down. She isn’t even sure she wants to let herself down. Or maybe it’s just happened so many times that she’s tired of it.

“How?” is the first thing Emma asks. It makes Regina produce the kind of laugh that comes from a smile so big it’s like it can’t hold it all.

“I wanted to surprise you after class, and Mary Margaret said it was fine if I left a little early. I can just go in early or stay in late another day to make up for it.”

“Oh,” Emma says as Regina plants a kiss against her temple. “I’m… I’m glad you were there,” she starts, but she beyond that, she doesn’t know where to begin this whole conversation. Maybe if she hadn’t had that panic attack, she would know. It all seems silly now, even though she knows it isn’t. Should she start with her problems? Or why she’s been thinking about them? Where she’s coming from? Or where he wants to go?

“I need to tell you about something,” she blurts before she can think better of it. She sits up to talk to her girlfriend face to face, and is grateful when Regina takes her shaking hands into her own, brushing her thumbs over the blonde’s knuckles.

Her brown eyes bring Emma a warmth unlike anything she’s ever felt. A non verbal reassurance that she can do this, she can open up to Regina without fear of being judged or hated or pushed away, and she almost wants to say thank you before Regina’s reaction even comes, before Emma can even say it.

“I, um…” Emma clears her throat, frustrated that she stopped herself before she even made it to a verb. Her heart is pounding so hard in her chest, she’s almost worried about it. “Sorry,” Emma lets out an uncomfortable laughs. “I’ve never been so nervous, probably ever.”

At that Regina just smiles before leaning in for a quick kiss.

It’s just enough to make Emma feel stronger.

“I never talk about this to anyone. Ever. Actually, I the only person who knows is Lily, and she… well, the way she found out wasn’t good, like, at all, but she reacted really bad. Um… it’s something that isn’t good, and it’s something I know I need to get help for, but I’m not ready for that. You’re probably going to want me to get help right away because it’s just…. It’s fucked up. _I’m_ fucked up…”

“Emma?” Regina catches her attention in the moment of silence she trails off, unsure if this is still going the best route possible. She didn’t mean to bring herself down this much. But she looks at Regina, that warmth coming back, and there’s something else in Regina’s eyes that lets Emma know that she understands, even if she doesn’t exactly. “I trust you. Opening up about heavy things is a big step in itself. Actively seeking help is another. I’m not going to push you to take both of those at the same time, okay? If you push yourself too much, or if I push you too much, you could lose all progress, and I don’t think either of us want that. Don’t worry about my reaction, okay?”

“Okay,” Emma nods, taking a deep breath. “I have a problem… with self harm.”

Admitting it is a mix of feeling a weight off her chest and feeling like she shouldn’t have said anything at all, but her girlfriend doesn’t freak out or say anything rude. She just smiles, a balance of concern and encouragement, and says, “It’ll be okay. I’m here to help you, as you need it.”

It’s the perfect reaction, really, even though she can see the endless questions in Regina’s eyes that she doesn’t want to ask. Emma doesn’t really want to go into all the details yet, but she wants to put some of her girlfriend’s concerns at ease.

“There’s a lot of stuff to it, and I’m not sure I can talk about it all right now, but um, it’s been happening less frequently since we’ve been together. Like, a lot less. I want to stop, but I think I need to make space from it on my own. If I don’t have to go to a professional or whatever, I’d rather not.”

Regina nods, “Just let me know if you need anything, okay? Will you let me help you?”

“Of course,” Emma smiles. “You’re just… the best girlfriend,” she admits with a blush. She sees Regina about to protest so she shakes her head, “You don’t have to believe me, but that doesn’t make it less true. I want to… I don’t know, make it up to you.” Emma doesn’t necessarily mean _that_ , but she kind of does. Regina’s the one to blush this time, and she wonders if she’s thinking the same.

“Whenever you’re ready,” she responds, and Emma’s not sure if she’s talking about _that_ or getting help or both.

Emma’s thinking both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what did you think? are you mad at me for posting so late? are you excited for the last chapter of part one because I AM (it's the one I've been looking forward to the most this whole time)


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a point to post this today, March 11, because one year ago today is the last time I ever physically self harmed. I've come a long way, and while in some ways, some things don't change (mental illness doesn't just go away), things do get better, especially if you learn how to handle them in constructive ways rather than destructive. I hope that knowing this doesn't affect the way you see me or the way you read this fic or any of my other ones in a negative way. Swen is a big reason why I was able to overcome this stuff, and I know I've said it before, but this fic is a major healing process for me. It's honestly just continuing to go uphill from here, and I couldn't have done it without you.
> 
> I've been looking forward to this chapter for forever, since I started this fic, and I hope you like it. I encourage you all to listen to the song "Skin" by Sixx:A.M. which inspired this chapter and is honestly one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

Regina has lost count of the times she and Emma have made out in the past few days, but it’s a lot. They stay together nearly every night, set up a movie they plan to watch, but they spend most of the time… not watching it. 

Not that Regina minded of course, and from the way that Emma’s fingers trailed just under her shirt, grazing her waistline, the way her lips travelled along Regina’s jawline and down to her pulse point, and the way she whimpered  _ just a little _ when Regina tugged on her lower lip, she didn’t think Emma minded either.

But everything was always cut short just before they made it to the next step, and now that Regina knows why, her patience with Emma is endless. She already has her own anxieties about them  _ taking the next step _ , as she’s never even been with another girl, but compared to the vulnerability Emma will be facing, Regina can’t even imagine. Which is why she’s leaving it all up to her girlfriend.

She would wait a year if it meant Emma would be comfortable.

But it’s the next day she starts getting suspicious. 

Mary Margaret asks Regina to stay at work a little later and help, which wouldn’t be that weird, except that on Saturdays, if they need the extra help, Emma is usually the one to stay, as Regina has already been there an hour longer than Emma, not to mention, the volunteer hours are a little more decided than Emma’s work hours.

Not only that but Emma will fight to stay past Regina, just because she  _ doesn’t want her girlfriend getting overworked _ and  _ Gina needs a break too _ , but today is unlike every other time. Regina agrees to stay and Emma looks nervously away before slipping from the room, asking Regina to meet up with her after she gets out. “I’ll be in my room, okay?” she says before she disappears.

Regina shrugs it off. Emma has no obligation to stay late every time.

But the other thing is that there’s no reason for Regina to even stay. Today had been exceptionally slow, and she’d been up front learning about the business end the whole time, which meant that everything was more than finished. She reorganized the already organized office,  _ twice _ , and Ruby was still making up reasons for Regina to stay.

It’s almost seven when Ruby gives up. “It’s probably fine. You can go home now,” and Mary Margaret nods more times than necessary.

“Okay,” Regina shrugs, gathering her things and trying not to think too much about the oddness of their behavior.

But when she waves at them on her way out of the office, and Mary Margaret giggles weird beneath the surface of a “Have a great night,” and Ruby smacks her on the arm, the combination of it all is enough to make Regina’s brows furrow. 

“You too…” she says, texting Emma on her way out the door.

 

[Regina]  _ Ruby and MM are acting really weird tonight. Anyway, do you still want me to come over? _

 

[Emma]  _ yes :) :) :) but if u don’t want to tht’s okay _

 

[Regina]  _ Of course I want to. I’ll be there in about fifteen minutes okay? _

 

[Emma]  _ can’t wait :) _

 

Regina can’t wait either, honestly, which is nothing new, but something about this feels a little more… important? It’s hard to explain the way she feels as she walks through the cool air to Emma’s dorm, the idea that something  _ life changing _ is in the works as the darkness around her somehow looks brighter than it had last night.

It feels like a new kind of clarity, like that she’s acknowledging that her relationship with Emma is at a new level emotionally, even if they are in the same place physically. That even if they were to never progress in that one way, they would always be progressing together.

When she gets to Emma’s room, Emma calls for her to come in rather than opening the door, and Regina can’t help but pause, something in her chest reminding her once again that something feels… different.

As soon as she opens the door, she gets it, and she gapes at Emma in awe as she takes in the sight of her girlfriend in what might be the most cliche, romantic situation, surrounded by tiny electric candles that flicker like they’re trying to be real, as Emma stands in the middle of the room holding flowers and grinning widely at Regina.

“Hi.”

“Emma…” Regina breathes as she steps in and closes the door behind her, eyes wandering. There’s so many fake candles, providing the room’s only light, and Emma is dressed so…  _ Emma _ , t-shirt under a flannel, and it contrasts the fanciness of the roses she’s holding and the  _ rose petals on the bed _ in a way that makes Regina’s heart swell. She’s at a loss for words. 

It’s then that Emma sets the flowers gently on her desk and walks over to Regina, taking her hands in one of her own as she presses the other against Regina’s cheek, bringing their lips together.

The kiss is soft and passionate, and Regina can feel Emma’s confidence in the way her tongue traces along Regina’s lower lip and in the way she presses closer, but when Emma pulls back to smile at Regina, her hand shakes a little against the brunette’s cheek, and Regina can tell she’s nervous.

Emma blushes but refuses to look away, determined not to let herself crack, and if anything, the action spurs Regina’s own confidence. If Emma is really ready for this, Regina wants her to be relaxed and content. Happy. Satisfied.  _ Loved _ .

“What’s all this?” Regina asks as she intertwines both their hands together.

Emma blushes harder, and Regina can tell that she’s actively trying not to smile so much, but she’s failing. It’s adorable. “I wanted to, I  _ want  _ to, make you feel special,” she explains as she runs her hands up the length of Regina’s arms before looping them around her neck. Regina’s breath hitches just before their lips meet again, this time more fervently as Regina grips Emma’s waist, closing any distance between them.

For a moment they remain locked together in the middle of the room, lips crashing together as their hands trace the outline of the other, Regina’s hands end up tangled in blonde hair, Emma’s hands on Regina’s waist, and the brunette squeaks a little when she feels her girlfriend’s soft hands against the bare skin of her waist, moving across her back.

“Is this okay?” Emma whispers as she tugs up on the fabric.

Regina pulls back with a nod, giving Emma the space to slide the garment over her head and off her arms. Emma’s breath catches as it falls to the floor, her eyes taking in Regina for a moment before her eyes flicker back up to hers, full of so much admiration and adoration that Regina can’t help but close the distance between them again.

It’s not long before they’ve reached the bed, naturally moving towards it, and Emma stops just before they get there, unsure if she should take the lead, so Regina turns them around, easing Emma gently back before laying next to her, one hand in her hair, the other on her hip. Her thumb strokes the exposed skin at her torso, and Emma lets out a moan significant enough to prompt Regina to reposition, straddling the blonde as she continues to kiss her, hands cupping her jaw as Emma sits up to meet Regina halfway, holding herself up with her hands behind her.

Regina pulls back, waiting for Emma to open her eyes before she asks, “Is this okay?”

“Yes,” Emma breathes, a nervous smile dancing on her lips. She takes a hand to thread her fingers through Regina’s hair and then they’re kissing again, more firm and more desperate, and Emma pulls them backwards so her hands have free roam of Regina’s back, her sides, her stomach, until they’re hovering at the waistband of Regina’s pants. “Is this okay?”

Regina’s response is a smile and a nod, her hands covering Emma’s as they work through the button and the zipper before Emma hesitantly guides Regina’s hands to do the same. The next few moments are clumsy, having to readjust to slide their pants off, and when Emma tosses Regina’s across the room in triumph, she knocks a few fake candles to the floor. “Good thing you didn’t use real ones,” Regina grins.

“I didn’t think literally setting the room on fire would be good for our first time,” Emma smiles.

“So just figuratively then?” 

Emma laughs at that full and relaxed and happy, and Regina just thinks it’s the most beautiful sound she’s ever heard, tied with the contented sigh Emma lets out when their lips meet again, and Regina’s bare legs brush against hers.

“Is this okay?” Regina asks again before she tugs off Emma’s flannel shirt, and then again before sliding the t-shirt over her head. She kisses her way from the corner of Emma’s lips, across her jaw to hear ear where she pauses to tug her earlobe gently between her teeth and tell her how beautiful she is. 

She’s straddling Emma again, her legs pressed against Emma’s, her feet tucked under her calves, her hands tracing their way down Emma’s arms to her stomach, exploring every part of her as she kisses back down the blonde’s neck, smiling against her skin with every little noise Emma makes. 

“You’re stunning, Emma,” she murmurs against her pulse point, bringing a hand up to rest against her cheek, startled to feel dampness there. She pulls back to meet Emma’s gaze, but her eyes are closed, tears spilling slowly from the corners, and Regina’s heart breaks for her. “Emma?”

Eyes still closed tight, the blonde shakes her head, silent tears rolling down her cheeks. Regina brushes them away, only to have them replaced by more. “I’m sorry,” she whispers. Regina shakes her head at Emma, but her eyes are still sealed shut, afraid to meet Regina’s.

“Emma, it’s okay.”

“No,” Emma cries, “It’s not.” She opens her eyes to look at Regina, and more tears escape. “I’m sorry,” she says again, looking so small and lost. “I wanted this to be special, but I’m ruining it. You’re amazing, Regina, and I want you. I want you and I want you to feel special, but I… I’m not good enough. I’m embarrassed, and… my body is--” Emma chokes back a sob, closing her eyes again, like it can hide her. “My scars… they’re--”

“Emma,” Regina says, surprised at how soft it comes out. She doesn’t want Emma to feel like this, and she realizes how sensitive this whole situation is, intimate in an incomprehensible way, and she kisses her girlfriend before shifting to sit next to her, helping her sit up. Emma’s head falls against her shoulder. “This  _ is _ special, Emma.  _ You _ are special. The only thing that matters is that we’re here together, and we want each other. I think you’re beautiful, Emma. You don’t have to believe me right now, but it’s true. Okay?”

When her girlfriend doesn’t respond, Regina starts making soft strokes down her back, she pulls Emma to her, shifting until Emma is the one straddling her. The blonde’s hands are cupped around Regina’s neck, her head still on her shoulder, and Regina’s hands fall naturally to Emma’s thighs in the new position. Emma tremors just slightly beneath her touch, and Regina understands why as her fingers lightly brush against the skin. Her scars aren’t fresh enough to be completely tangible but she can feel where the cuts were, now small barely noticeable ridges in her skin. 

Regina pays them no mind as she runs her hands up and down Emma’s thighs before gripping her waist, her lips exploring the space between Emma’s pulse point and her collarbone, leaving a lingering kiss in one place before lightly sucking on another. Her hands roam Emma’s back, and she hears the blonde’s breath hitch when her fingers linger against the clasp on her bra. “May I?” she asks, and Emma squeaks a little before whispering a breathy “yes” against Regina’s neck.

Emma drops her arms long enough to let the garment fall from them, and with her eyes still closed, she lets it drop to the side, and she wraps her arms back around Regina’s neck. “Emma,” Regina gasps out, kissing the space just above where her heart is. “Every part of you is beautiful.” Her voice is barely a whisper, and she’s surprised when she looks up and her eyes meet green, looking at her with a mix of disbelief and wonder, and Regina can only smile at her.

“Your eyes are beautiful, and your hair,” Regina says, tucking a strand behind her girlfriend’s ear. “Your lips are soft, your smile is exquisite. You’re so kind and loving. So talented and brilliant.” She kisses Emma’s shoulder again, not breaking eye contact. “You inspire me so much, Emma. With your strength and bravery. You’re incredibly special, not just to me, but to the world, even if not everyone can see, even if you can’t see it.”

She doesn’t realize that she’s crying too until Emma brushes a tear from her face. “Regina, I… I don’t know what to say.” 

“Then don’t,” Regina smiles up at her, her hands tracing Emma’s waist until they come to rest on her hips, her thumbs dancing lightly over the bone. Her eyes roam Emma’s skin, smooth in some places, lightly scarred in others, and Regina glances cautiously to Emma before pressing her lips against a visible scar on her arm, before repeating the action to another. She can’t kiss Emma’s thighs but she takes the blonde’s hand in hers, kissing all her fingertips before lowering it to her leg as if using Emma as a way to transfer the act. “You are more than your scars, Emma. Your skin isn’t what makes you beautiful, it’s all of you. Emma… you’re--”

Emma’s lips crash into hers, her hands suddenly everywhere, like fire and ice against her skin, and she can feel Emma’s tears on her own cheeks. She whimpers when Emma kisses down her neck, whispers “Is this okay?” in her ear before unhooking Regina’s bra. When it slides off, Emma leans Regina back, pushing their bodies flush together, and suddenly Regina is the one who’s nervous, worried she won’t do something right or that she’ll look foolish for having never done  _ this _ before, but Emma seems to catch the worry before it can settle. 

She takes everything slow, as if memorizing the way that Regina reacts when Emma touches her in certain places, the way she shifts beneath her as if needing to be closer, and when Emma moves to lie next to her, a hand trailing from just beneath Regina’s jaw, down to the waistline of the brunette’s final layer of clothing.

“Is this okay?” Emma asks again.

“Yes,” Regina breathes, echoing Emma’s actions before doing the same with her words. “Is this okay?”

Emma’s response is a whimper against her lips, a hand in her hair tugging her closer, a touch that nearly has Regina coming undone at the start. She wants Emma so badly it makes her dizzy and feeling how much Emma wants her in return makes her heart pound. Emma’s touch has her squirming, torn between wanting release and never wanting this to end, but when she hears Emma crying her name against her shoulder and into her hair between leaving wet kisses to her neck, she unravels, and like a ripple effect, they come together, left panting against the other until Emma catches her eyes again.

Regina can see the worry in them, the self doubt despite the connection they just shared, and Regina kisses her again before letting her mouth explore her body, kissing every scar, every insecurity, reassuring Emma that every piece if her is worthy of love. 

* * *

 

When Emma wakes up, she and Regina are still tangled together, and she’s surprised at how comfortable she still feels, lying totally exposed in the other girl’s presence. But at the same time, she’d never felt the kind of loving acceptance that Regina provided her with last night, and even now with the other girl asleep, she still senses it.

She hopes that Regina feels the same unconditional acceptance. She knew that Regina hadn’t come to terms with her sexuality before Emma, but if she’d never been with another woman before, it was totally lost on Emma. 

Regina shifts a little in Emma’s arms, rolling closer as her arm slides down the blonde’s back, and Emma can’t help but smile, pressing a kiss to her nose and her cheek, brushing a strand of hair from her face and giggling when the action prompts Regina to smile in her sleep. Eventually her eyes flutter open, and Emma grins down at her.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” Regina responds, voice still full of sleep, but she still smiles even wider, pulls Emma closer, and kisses her soft against the temple. She’s tracing lines against Emma’s back again, and unlike the other day, all Emma can think about it how far she’s come. How the lines already there are arbitrary, how they’ll fade and how some of them already have, but Regina has seen them and isn’t going anywhere.

“Emma?” 

“Yeah?” 

“You okay?” Emma nods, surprised when Regina’s thumb wipes away tears she didn’t know she had. “Do you… Is there anything you need? You can get dressed if you want. We don’t have to…”

Emma smiles at her girlfriend. “You’re so sweet, Regina. I’m okay though. I’m just really happy. I’ve never felt this  _ comfortable _ with anyone, ever. I like it.” Emma laughs, “I like you.”

When Regina looks at her, Emma is amazed at how she seems to glow, and maybe it has to do with last night, but maybe it just has to do with her. With  _ them _ . With bringing down walls and letting the other climb over them.

“Regina,” Emma says, sitting up suddenly, and she sees the brunette’s expression shift from light to serious and the blonde is quick to shake her head. “Oh, no, don’t worry. It’s nothing bad, it’s just…” She looks away from Regina’s concerned eyes down to her hands, lacing and unlacing their fingers until she feels like she can say, “I want to tell you everything.”

“Everything?” 

Emma smiles at the confusion in her girlfriend’s voice. “Yeah. I know I’ve told you a lot. Kind of everything, but I want you to know all of it. All the details, and why everything is the way it is. It’s not really easy to hear, but I want to share it all with you. I don’t want to hide anything from you, no matter how small. If you want to hear it that is,” she adds, suddenly unsure.

“Emma, you know you can tell me anything. Don’t feel like you can’t tell me something because it would be hard to hear or for any reason. Like you said, no matter how small. You can share anything you want. It’s up to you, okay?”

“Okay,” Emma nods, taking a deep breath before she decides where to start. Chronologically? By subject matter? 

“Do you want to put on some clothes first? You’re not uncomfortable are you?”

“Maybe something. It’s kind of cold,” Emma laughs, smiling when Regina is immediately up, tossing Emma her own sweater before raiding Emma’s closet for something for herself. “You’re so domestic,” Emma mumbles as she pokes her head through the sweater.

“Well I know you like that one. I figured you wanted to wear it,” Regina shrugged.

“Oh my god, are you going to wear my underwear too?” In response, Regina just shrugs, tossing Emma a pair.

“Maybe I’ll just go commando.”

Emma’s jaw went slack. “You- uh, you can do whatever you want,” she says, looking elsewhere else, just out of decency, not looking up until she’s back in her own underwear and feels the weight shift on the bed next to her. She puckers her lips out until Regina kisses them, fighting back a grin. 

Regina smiles patiently at her, waiting for her to start. “Whenever you’re ready, okay?”

Emma nods, ready to just go for it. She’s never had it all thrown out there, and the idea of it had always been daunting to her, but now she couldn’t imagine anything better. 

”Uh, so the first time I ever… you know, self harmed,” Emma mumbles, ashamed, but Regina grips her hand, giving her a smile so supportive she feels like she can take on the world. “I was fifteen the first time. I’d heard about cutting though. You know, through pop culture. Kids talking about it at school. I don’t think any of them had ever done it, but they were talking about it.”

Regina nods, her forehead creasing in understandable concern, but Emma is quick to erase her worry. “It wasn’t something I ever did to be  _ cool _ or to get attention. Ever since I started doing it, I’ve been hiding it. I never liked cutting where people could see it, and if anyone ever noticed anything, I would freak out. Not that anyone  _ did. _ ”

“So, why did you do it?” Regina asks, voice laced with caution.

“There was some guy in my class that told me I had hamster cheeks.”

Regina blinks in surprise. “But… you don’t...”

“I mean, yeah, I know that now. When I look in the mirror. But when he said it, I got so mad at him. I punched him in the face and got us both in detention. It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal, but after he said it, I couldn’t seem to think about anything else. I looked in the mirror and couldn’t see what he was talking about, but I could  _ feel _ it. That was bad enough.”

“And the self harm…”

“The self harm was something I thought could make me forget about the comment. It worked. That was where it started. When I realized that it helped, I started doing it regularly, even though I knew it wasn’t like,  _ good _ . It didn’t matter at the time. In the moment, it never matters…” Emma trails off, growing quiet.

“Uh, so, it was kind of at random for a while, but then I started thinking about it in terms of food. Like, when I would eat certain things, I would cut more. I kind of came up with a system where some foods would get more cuts, but it wasn’t as methodical as…” Emma trails off, taking a deep breath.

Regina rests a comforting hand on hers, and Emma offers her a small smile. “So, that’s when I met Lily… she was okay to be around, at first, but she started getting really… aggressive. And she was selfish about it. It never mattered what  _ I  _ wanted, just what she wanted, and whatever she  _ did _ want, she would get. I would let her, and I kind of hated myself more for that. So I kept cutting, even though being with Lily was kind of its own fucked up kind of self harm.

“So she found out. It was really bad, like, during this one time when we were… I don’t know. Doing stuff. I was bleeding, and yeah. I was already uncomfortable because I told her no, and she wouldn’t listen. And on top of that, I had fresh cuts, and then she saw there was blood… She was really rude about it. Said a lot of hateful things, like how I was messed up, and I was a freak.

“It was kind of after that when it became more systematic. Like, it all became more specific. Numbers were how I measured it, and it evolved more into a punishment than it had before, not just about  _ food _ but about  _ me _ . I really believed I deserved it. Nothing anyone could do to me was worse than what I could do to myself…”

Regina sniffs, looking away before Emma can meet her eyes. “Is this too much? I know it’s heavy. I guess I didn’t realize it was… this bad.”

“No. No, absolutely not. I’m just… I hurt for you Emma. That you had to go through that. That you have to keep going through that. I just wish… I don’t know. I wish I could fix it.”

“I know. But you’re already helping me.” Emma smiles at her before scooting up next to her girlfriend. Regina doesn’t hesitate before wrapping an arm around her, kissing her temple before the blonde continues talking. “You’re okay though, right? I know you what you said, but if you need a minute… This isn’t  _ just  _ about me.”

Regina nods. “I’ll let you know. I promise.”

“Okay, so uh, it was more or less the same as it always had been for a while. Unpredictable. But the stuff with my body got worse. A lot more foods started triggering everything for me. I got tired of feeling shitty, so I started cutting all those foods out. The list of foods I wouldn’t eat just kept getting bigger, until eventually there was only a few things left I felt okay eating. 

“It’s kind of like that now. It’s all levelled out in some way. It’s not better, but I have it all figured out. I guess in a way that’s why it’s so hard to stop. Whenever I eat anything, I come up with a number. Like, a cookie might be one hundred, a bag of chips might be fifty. And it’s up to me to decide if I’d rather eat the food or accept the number of cuts.”

Regina’s jaw kind of drops at that. “One hundred?”

“Yeah, it sounds really crazy. When it’s happening though, it isn’t like that. It doesn’t seem like a lot. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough. One time-- well…” she trails off, not sure if Regina wants to know how bad it’s been. “The most was six hundred.” Regina gapes at her, a dry sob escaping her lips. “But they weren’t deep. They aren’t usually. Not that it makes it  _ better _ , but it’s kind of always been more about the number. I bleed either way, I feel it either way. Seeing a lot is better than panicking about the amount of blood.”

“So, you don’t like blood?”

Emma pauses. “I don’t usually notice it, unless there’s like, a lot of it. When I decide it’s going to happen… that I’m going to cut, I don’t usually change my mind. When the thought occurs to me, it’s like it gets locked in. Then it’ll happen, and I’m not always… aware. If that makes sense. Like, disassociation, I guess.

“It’s almost always about food now. And the way I feel about my body. Have you ever heard of BDD?” Regina shakes her head for a moment, unsure. “It stands for body dysmorphic disorder. It’s pretty common, but it’s basically like when your perception of your body feels or looks different to you than it does to other people. It differs a lot depending on the person.”

“What’s it like for you?”

“I mostly feel it in my face or my stomach. The area feels bloated. Bigger than it is. My face, I sometimes think I see it wrong in the mirror, but when I look at my stomach, I don’t see it the same way I feel it. I can see that I’m small, but I can’t seem to feel it. It doesn’t feel like that when I don’t eat, but when I do, unless it’s… I don’t know… cucumbers, or a few other things, I feel like… huge. Even if I know that I’m not, rationally. That’s when I self harm.

“But it’s been happening less frequently, lately. I want to get better, but… I can’t just stop everything. Because then it comes back up. At this point, it’s a three year long habit, and there’s so many layers to it.”

“Has anything been helping?” 

“Yeah,” Emma smiles. “You’ve been there for me, and you care. I can tell that you do. You haven’t called me a freak.”

“Because you’re not.”

“Thanks,” Emma grins, pressing a kiss to Regina’s neck. “You’re not either.”

Regina snorts before growing serious once again, pulling back to look Emma in the eyes, “Do you need me to do anything?”

“Not right now. But if anything changes, you’ll be the first to know,” Emma says, leaning back into her girlfriend, feeling content for the first time in as long as she can remember. “Just be here.”

“I will be,” Regina says, leaning over to kiss Emma’s shoulder. “I trust you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I appreciate your support, and I'd love to hear your thoughts! Be kind tho, cause this was a little difficult for me


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